Mom Moving In...

No you were not wrong! She is wrong for making you feel guilty. Moving to the same town or neighboring town should be good enough as long as you do make some time for her. But you can't be responsible for her lack of a social life.

Do not feel guilty. I would start looking into senior cimplexes and all that they offer to keep her active. Gather all the info you can and sit and talk to her. She would be much happier with people her own age. Good luck.

H.,

No, you were not wrong to be honest with your mother. You would have been wrong to be dishonest and give her the impression that she could live with you permanently when that is not what would work for you. That would have set you up for serious problems.

Adult parents and children living together can be a MAJOR source of stress. As long as people can live in their own places independently, it is usually best to do so. This is particularly true if you and your mom tend to bicker, but even if this were not the case, it is still best for each of you to have your own space.

You indicate your mom wants to live with you to avoid loneliness, not because she can't live independently on her own for financial or practical reasons. That is NOT a good reason to move her in, nor is your guilt a good reason to change your mind about this.

You cannot "fix" your mom's feelings of loneliness. Sure, you can do things together and share more experiences with her living closer, but if she is depending on you to be her major source of companionship and social interaction, that is a huge problem.

No one person can be EVERYTHING to another person. If you buy into that line of thinking and take on the responsibility for your mom's happiness, you will be creating a situation where everyone will be miserable. As long as she is able to get out and about in the world, she needs to have her own circle of friends, interests and activities in addition to spending time with you and your son.

Your mom may be hurt or even mad at you. Those are her feelings, and she's entitled to them, but she is also responsible for working through them! You are NOT responsible for making her feel better by changing your stance on this.

Our homes should be our sanctuary, our place of peace, our space to retreat at the end of the day, not a place of stress and resentment. And if you stuff too many adults, related or not, into one space, you will not have that peace for very long, and your relationships and your emotional well-being will suffer.

Lose the guilt, and never make major life decisions based purely on emotional responses.

J. F.

H., please, please get a backbone here. Your mother does not need to live with you right now. You have a LIFE other than your mom. PLEASE don't break down and allow her to live with you.

It doesn't matter that she sounded very hurt. She's a grown woman. She's not a little girl. Stand up for yourself and demand of BOTH OF YOU that there are boundaries between you that need to be respected.

If you don't this, you will regret it. A lot. The time may come that you will take her in to help her. The time isn't now. I promise you.

Who comes first? In my opinion YOU DO. You love the idea of having your mother close but don't want to live with her 24/7 and that is completely understandable.

Does she attend church? You could make sure she joins an active church. Does she enjoy working out? She could join a community center. Does she like to volunteer? There are many opportunities in every community. She needs to have her own life, just closer to you. She would be able to spend time with her grandson and attend school functions and baseball games or whatever, but she needs her own life and so do you!!!!

Unless you are able to go together and buy both sides of a duplex or a house with an apartment I think you would not be happy. You don't mention how old your son is but is she ready to live with a child again?? He needs a home that he is comfortable in as well and (in my opinion) your happiness and that of your son come before your mother.

Best of Luck,

M.

BTW, I would never even consider living with my mother. One of us wouldn't make it more than 2 days!!!!!!!!!!!

I think you are perfectly justified in your feelings. If she is of sound mind and body, there is no reason why she cannot have her own space. I love family, but I do not want anyone living with me other than my children and my husband. Stand your ground on this. You do not have to move her in just because she is lonely. She needs to find her own hobbies and interests without relying on you to provide her social life for her.

This is a good time to really assess your relationship with her in every way. Think about continuing care and independent activities, everything you might need for her down the road. Even if she's able-bodied now and likely to get a job, you should have some discussions with her about her wishes down the road.

Try to find out (if you don't already know) about her relationship with her own parents when she was at your stage of life. Did they expect to live with her? Were they fiercely independent? What happened when one (or both) of them became single? Did your mother have a bad experience she wants to avoid, or a particularly good experience she wants to repeat?

You say that, if your mother needed your care, you would let her live with you. I think you need to think that through. I'm not saying not to do it, but DO understand what an incredible burden that is and how it changes your relationship with her, and with your child, and with anyone else you might meet someday (if you and your husband should divorce. If he should move back in, Mom's still going to be in the way.). That's why I said to think ahead about continuing care, assisted/independent living, etc. Even if you didn't bicker a lot, it would still be a huge adjustment, and one that is irrevocable without amazingly hard feelings.

I get that your mother doesn't want to be rejected. But If she's going to be dependent on your for her social life, you all need to go into that with your eyes wide open.

If her reason for wanting to live with you is economic (she can't afford to live alone) or humanitarian (she wants to be your rock and resource), that's a different conversation than neediness (she's lonely and afraid to be alone, perhaps afraid to get older). But it's still a conversation you need to have.

My mother moved to our town in 2000 but she was determined to NOT be a burden in any way. She moved into a senior complex with tons of activities, across the road from the senior center, she got a job, and she joined a number of activities (church, community chorus, etc.). My son benefited enormously from having her around - holidays, birthdays, school concerts & sporting events, a lunch out or a movie, etc. She went on vacation with us a couple of times - usually we rented a house on Cape Cod and did the beach, mini golf, seafood dinners, and so on. Even so, she kept some time to herself so she wasn't with us constantly. She joined Elder Hostel and traveled the world relatively cheaply, taking courses and doing some service with Global Volunteers. One of the Elder Hostel programs offered a grandparent/grandchild program, so she took him to Bermuda where they stayed at a marine research station, snorkeled to some shipwrecks, studied topography & marine life, etc. It was an incredible bonding time for them. So I would encourage you to look into an apartment for her that is part of a bigger community, or a small house near the center of town where life is busy and inviting. My mother lived 4 miles away, but if your mother was within 15 miles, she'd still be very close and able to help with babysitting sometimes and still able to go to school programs and whatnot.

Don't get roped into having her move in if you really aren't ready for it. The worst thing for you is to have tension all the time. And the worst thing for your son (and the surest way for him to resent his grandmother) is to have drama and strife in the house. It can ruin the very relationship you hope to strengthen.

I'd have a hard time letting her stay for a few months.
Once she gets her foot in the door she might never leave and trying to have her evicted would be way more traumatic/damaging to your relationship.
The long and the short of it is - you are not responsible for her happiness or lack thereof.
She's going to have to socialize to make her own friends and not depend solely on you for companionship.
Help find her a place to live close to you (and near a senior center would be good too) but make sure you each maintain your own space.
You eventually someday might want to start dating again - and it wouldn't hurt if your Mom started doing that too.

H., bless your heart. You should feel no guilt but I understand that you do. Any person would feel guilt when faced with your situation.

Your mom, as much as you love each other.... And bicker.... needs to understand that your priority is your family and a stable home for your children.

You are in a new phase of your life which has major changes for your children. They of course are your priority.

Your mom may feel hurt but if she sits down and rationally thinks things through, she'll come to the conclusion that she should not be living with you. You are not responsible for her loneliness or responsible for entertaining her. I'm sure she knows if she were in failing health that it would be different.

I admire you for communicating your feelings because it's when people don't communicate for fear of hurting someone else's feelings, then things can get ugly. Someone will feel used, etc.

Stand your ground, let mom know you love her but you have to do what's best for your family right now.

Mom would have to have an illness that required some caregiving in order for her to move in. Not just because I am lonely. It is not your responsibility to make your mom happy. She is in control of her our happiness and destiny.

You say you two bicker after a bit when being together. Now, multiply that by 10 and you have a major problem. She will try to take over and run your life. A life that you have created without her in it and you do things your way not hers.

My MIL wanted to move from Jersey to Kansas where my BIL and SIL lived. SIL stated up front that she would have to find her own place because she could not move in with them. One time my MIL talked to me on the phone and stated that she was all alone and lonesome. I guess I didn't take the hint because I never offered to take her in. I have my own life and it would have been very hard to have her here while my husband was just getting out of the hospital after nearly dying twice. I did not need that type of confusion in my life. So she is now in Kansas after chasing around the other set of grands and they doing things to her life taking her money and such. I still live in New Mexico which is far enough away to stay out of the fray. BIL passed about two years ago and I know that she misses him but it is probably for the best that she did not come as there might not be a marriage here. I told hubby that if she were to come and try to run the show, that I would pack up my things and leave. He knew I meant it and told her that it was not a good time to come out. I work full time and she would be home with hubby and not know anyone and she would probably expect me to cart her around all over town to do things. She is older and I respect her but I don't have to live with her.

So think long and hard about how you want your life to turn upside down and maybe never recover. Drama free living is what I look for every single day. If I want to run nude in my house I can. But, if you have other people in your home you can't. No privacy no matter whether there is a door closed or not it is not your home any longer.

Good luck on your decision.

the other S.

You weren't wrong at all. Would it have been better if you didn't say anything and she moved in with you and you were completely miserable for the rest of her life?

You need to tell her that you'd love for her to be close but that living together is not an option because of the bickering, and mostly because adults need their own homes if they are able.

Don't back down. She'll come around. She needs to be able to create her own happiness and make friends. That's not your responsibility. If she can't do that, she needs to live in a senior community where it's much easier and where there are age-appropriate activities. If she's lonely now, she'll be lonely with you as well when you go off to do your own thing. That wouldn't be fair to you and it won't help her.

I don't know what the answer is.
But I do think you two need to have a serious convo about this BEFORE she comes.
It might be uncomfortable to say: "mom, I can't wait to have you closer to me. But I need my independence and you need yours. Can you plan to come for a week and we can start looking for a nice apartment/senior living/house while you're here?"
But if she moves IN, THEN you start asking her about looking for a place I think it will end badly.
Good luck!

What did u mean you would do anything? I would stick wih the plan and encourage her to be active. How old is she and is she healthy? You have a right to your own life. Sorry if she is disappointed. I just hope she doesn't move close and torture you!

Definitely nothing to feel guilty about. It's not fair or reasonable for her to expect you to let her move in. When you talk again, emphasis how excited you are for her to live closer and as long as she doesn't bring up living with you again, I would leave it go.

I don't think you are wrong -- loneliness is not a reason to move in with your daughter, especially if your daughter doesn't want it, and especially if you bicker a lot.

I doubt your mom is too old to get a life. Tell her to go volunteer or something.

GOOD FOR YOU! You made your needs and boundaries known from the start. Yes, she might be a little hurt, but she'll be okay. You weren't wrong. Get her excited about finding a cute little bungalow or condo and decorating it. ;-)

wow, i'm SO glad for you that you were upfront with her. i'm sorry she's guilt-tripping you.
stick to your guns, H., kindly and with love. keep reminding herself that her hurt feelings are hers. having boundaries and making them clear is exactly what you should be doing, and good for you for doing it.
i hope you resolve this to everyone's satisfaction.
mostly yours.
khairete
S.

My brother, his dog and 3 large cages of noisy birds "temporarily moved in with me while he looked for an apartment. I had to push him out several years later. He was angry for awhile. I wasn't happy with his dog who damaged my rugs or the mess his noisy birds made but I didn't push him out until I realized that I had the responsibility to make happiness for myself. Up until then, I unconsciously felt that I needed to take care of him.
He thought the same.

I tried numerous times to tell him how I felt. His response was anger. I felt I needed to gain his agreement so that he would be happy. Once I made myself and my happiness a priorty I was able to just tell him this wasn't working for me. I was not responsible for his feelings.

Yes, it was good for you to tell her your boundaries based on how you feel. But don't expect her to understand and change the way she feels. I suggest that her angry reaction is another reason living together won't work. She didn't make an attempt to understand what you needed.