Mom in Need of New Tricks up Her Sleeve for 4.5 Year Old Daughter!!

Hello J. - wow, it's funny how reading what you wrote I saw my 4 nearly 5 year old pop into my head. My little girl, turning 5 in April, has pushed every button humanly possibly. I read every book, talked to lots of Moms, doctors as well, and it came down to this...I gave birth to not just one "very active" child (I have an older child turning 10 in May), but two. My husband is what people might define at "hyper-active", but in reality (and through my personal assessment) I see it as just having a great deal of energy where I don't...smiles.
My littlest was an angel until 15 months and then she got her curiousity mind set. It hasn't been until recently that I finally figured out how to manage her. So let me just say it's been one long haul!
For me and my husband we make it about choices. She can choose to behave in a way that sends her to her room or she can choose to behave in a way that allows her some freedoms. Now keep in mind I realize that sounds somewhat too easy. However, with consistent and routine disciplines she finally got the message. I even went to the level where if we were out and she chose to misbehave while we were eating we all left and took her home to her room. We stopped getting angry at every turn. This process was exhausting. However, we had to do something, because everyone was miserable. What I found, in my case, was that she enjoyed getting us angry (I would catch her smiling the angrier I got)...it was like a cause and effect relationship and we were falling into it every time.
So I got to the point where I said I wasn't going to get angry anylonger. I told her this. I laid out the new plan. At first she didn't believe me and continued on her way, but after about 2 weeks on consistent and firm discipline she understood that things were changing.
I also got to a point where I stopped labeling her. I found myself actually calling her names in my head that were upsetting. I also found that I would sometimes say those thoughts outloud to her. It was out of control. So when I did makes the changes I told her I love her, that she is a beautiful and loving girl who is very strong and I wanted to help her learn how to control herself.
I also looked at what was going on in her everyday life. I found that I was spending a lot of time doing what needed to be done and not spending time with her. Her Dad was on the phone all the time so she didn't get the time she needed with him...and what time she did get was rushed. So for us we also had to change the time we spent with her.
Oh and one last thing...I did end up by changing her eating habit. I had to make sure any time she ate anything high is surgar that I put protien with it so she didn't get that horrible energy crash...I noticed that she would get a horrible emotional spin after eating something that was mainly sugar (like candy) - after I started experimenting with adding protien that stopped.
Anyway, I can sympathize with your situation and hope that you find something that works for you and your little one. I actually hated, at one point, getting up in the morning to deal with another day...now it's so much better and I wish the same for you!

You described my daughter..

*ugh* I hit constant nag.. I've walked through stores pretending to be a duck and making her quack behind me.
It worked great in an airport LOL
My most constant phrase is "you look with your eyes not with your hands.."

OY not really any advice just willing to beat my head sometimes

Eddie Bauer makes cute, ctuffed animal backpacks that are really harnesses, with little tails that are really leashes. I have one for my hellcat daughter, and it's the only thing that gives me peae of mind. Folks can laugh, or gasp at my "leash" but I know my daughter won't step behind a moving car reversing in a parking lot! They're just the best.

Have you tried changing her diet? Some kids react this way when thye have allergies ( wheat, gluten) or sensitivities to foods. I would talk to a Nutritionist or a Naturopath to see if she may be affected by her intake of an allergen. Dr. Emily Dashiell is a great N.D. in the Monterey area.

OMG!!! You have just described all of my 4 children.

She sounds like her personality is classified as highly active (not hyperactive) this means she will have a good personality and be liked by many kids.

FYI I had to learn a long time ago to take my kids & let them run run run. Because my kids are highly active, they require more physical activity. When they are able to get out and play for 3-5 hours a day, they are fine. Also, I noticed on rainy days they would try and run around the house or jump on their beds not because they are being bad but because their bodies required it. I am the same way too, if I don't get out and walk, run, clean, weight lift what ever, I can't sleep and my muscles itch for activity. Please know that NOW my kids are very well behaved in social settings (still working on the 5 y/o). At school they have gotten behavior awards for the year and 2 have gotten the highest award which is voted on by their classmates. They are all very social as I suspect your daughters will be.

Oh, and as far as items in your house, the only things of extreme value are now either stored or hidden in my closet. I've come to the conclusion that my house will be mine again when they are all in college. Not really, my kids seem to do a little better each year as they mature. But still there is the occasional thing that I find broken or in the middle of the pool.
Oh, OK, I may have one good piece of advice that I have learned for my own sanity. I leave the kids at home when I go out either shopping or mall walking. When they ask why they can't go I tell them because the last time you didn't listen to mommy. (& my husband understands) Then If I decide to take one they have to agree with the conditions prior to leaving. If when out they act up we go home, right then and there. Oh, and I NEVER take the little ones with me if it's serious shopping. Only when I am trying to enable them learn how to act in public. P.S. I always take my older ones with me because they know how to listen and are helpful, but now want stuff:)
C.

I have a very active little girl as well. You have gotten some great advice so far. I would definitely check out their diets. I kknow my friends son has a food allergy to corn and it makes him "crazy" if she keeps corn out of his diet he is a wonderful little boy...the hard part is corn in it's different forms is in everything corn syrup, corn starch etc.

I know that my daughter has a hard time when she has sugar being able to control herself and being able to listen and reason.

Also making sure that she is very active helps too. She is in Karate (which really helps with focus) and getting to the park or outside to run around.

Also the book Raising your Spirited Child has made all the difference to me in dealing with her.

Stay strong you will figure out what works

Check out the book "the out of sync child". It describes sensory processing disorder, and describes some of the things you mention here.

I know a little girl with this and her parents were at there wits end. The little girl always seems to be in her own little world, which is often perceived as "not listening" or being stubborn or defiant. She's very friendly and would go with ANYBODY because she doesn't recognize others as strangers. She's into everything and things often get broken because she doesn't know how to handle them. She doesn't understand why she is in trouble all the time.

She's in Karate and is getting help from an OT, which is making a world of difference for her. If your child really does have a SPD, the things you are observing are not purposeful. She doesn't percieve the world the same way everyone else does.

This is not to say she is delayed in any way. My friend's little girl is one of the best students in her kindergarten class academically. Her challenges are behavioral because she isn't marching to the same beat the other kids are.

Hope this helps!

J.,

My children loved to run until I got very blunt and told them, at separate times, that if they run someone could pick them up and walk off with them and neither I nor Daddy would see them ever again. I had to have the talk three times with my youngest, but now they are a little more cautious. As for the destruction and into everything and taking what is not hers, we started taking my son's things away for every thing he would break. Also, because he has a piggy bank, we would have him take money out and pay for the smaller items and do chores for the bigger items. Then, I put him in a small playgroup so that he could be with some other children in a different setting. And finally he has stopped breaking or taking (for the most part).
D.