Mind My Own Business or Be a Busybody?

Rather than letting her think that you think her child has a problem you might just ask her what SHE does to get his attention. She might then open up to you about his problem, chances are she knows already, but it's odd she didnt mention it to you that he had some special needs. He may very well be an "under stimulated" child. Look at it as sort of a challenge, sounds like he "needs" you in his life.

I think you can ask and at least find out how you should respond to him when he does this. You can ask his parents coming from---Hey, I have noticed X likes to do this alot at our house--have you experienced that at your house? How do you want me to deal with that? You can ask questions and gain info without blaming or making assumptions. Say something like I am having trouble connecting X with X is there anything that works at home for him? Best wishes-----As far as telling parents you think there is a problem, i would only do so after you have gotten to know them for awhile and you feel comfortable. I can guarantee the mom/dad will fly off the handle if you suggest something. If they point blank ask you, then you can decide if you will be forthright with them. Good luck

M

I am on the fence here. As a caregiver it is somewhat your responsibility to mention what you see during the day and raise your concerns for testing. If he were in a child care center (I am assuming he is not in school yet otherwise they may have already mentioned to parents) they would bring up this behavior to parents in a conference setting.
On the other hand, you are new and the friendship is also new. . . I really like the suggestions of explaining to the parents what is going on and ask what they would like for you to do or what they do to engage, etc.
Best of Luck!

Don't say anything. Really if there is a problem, they already know it. My daughter has a speech delay and sometimes she doesn't interact with people very often. Sometimes she does, it just depends on her mood. I had a woman in her class try and tell me she was autistic. I told her we had had her evaluated and she was fine. This woman pushed the issue and it did nothing but make me mad. If you want to know how he ticks, then you might ask the parents what fun things he likes to do. Don't put as though you think that something is wrong with him. You might just say, "I am trying to come up with fun things to do with Adam, do you have any suggestions?" They may let you know more at that point.

Chances are they already know. I would ask them for advice on how to get him to eat when he's with you but other than that since it isn't causing any issues for you other than him not playing with your daughter I would let it go. I assume he will be starting kindergarten soon and the teacher will notice right away. As for your daughter just explain that everyone is different.

Well, chances are that if there IS an issue, the parents are aware of it by age 5.
And while you're right--it's technically none of your business, I don't think it would be "being a busybody" to ask the parents something like "What activities does Jack really enjoy? I'm feeling like he might be bored at my house and I'd like to have some of his favorite stuff available for him to do so he's not. Any suggestions?"

Okay...so before I even got to the part of where you say you aren't a professional in diagnosing ASD...my mind was saying...this child displays behaviors of an autistic child. I am not a mom of an autistic child but I am a mom of a child who has spastic quadriplegia as a result from hemorrhaging in the brain after the doctors not knowing what they were opening him up, for at the age of 3 weeks. I was a young mom...well 22 at the time and back when I had my son individuals weren't out in the community as they are today. I literally had no idea what the deal was. Needless to say, we were hooked up with early intervention services and because my son had dislocated hips at birth, he saw an orthopedist. When I asked if my son had cerebral palsy I was told 'no' by all the specialist. However, not a few months went by and I was reading a neuromotor clinic report and that's when I read a diagnosis of cerebral palsy. I was devastated. Why hadn't I been told this when I asked? I surely wasn't ready for what I had read...I was angry. I got over myself though...as no matter what the diagnosis was...no matter what label they were to give him...it was what it was and I couldn't change that.

All that being said, I do think you can approach the mom in a subtle way. She may not respond very well at first...she may need to absorb what you are communicating to her; but regardless, in the long run...if this boy has ASD he needs intervention services that can only help him. Is he in school? If he is, you could ask him mom if school has noticed any issues with him...expressing what you have noticed. In the US the school system is legally responsible to provide the services he needs. You aren't out to cause trouble...you are only thinking of this child's well-being. I am a firm believer...early intervention truly is a key component to help developing children with medical issues. Best of luck in your decision.

I would start a dialogue. You could really make a difference for this child.

My son had a friend that I thought might be depressed. I was in a quandary like you. We were talking and she confessed some difficulties with her son. I finally got brave and told her that her son reminded me of the daughter of another friend of mine. That the daughter was depressed and that she got on medication that really helped her. I just said that an evaluation might be something to consider. In the end she did just that and really helped her son.

I understand it's different for you because the Mom is not confiding in you. I would still start a dialogue. You are a babysitter and have some experience with children. Is this child an only child? Maybe the parents don't have anything to compare to.

You could start with, "Your son is so easy to take care of, but sometimes I do wonder if there is more I could do for him....." Somehow start a dialogue. The Mom should ask what you mean at that point and you can tell her about the things that seem different than other children you have taken care of. Let her know you wonder if an evaluation and early intervention could make a difference in how he socializes. I wouldn't throw out terms like "autism."

If a childcare provider out of the blue told me my kid should be tested for autism, I might consider that person a busybody. However, a child care provider talking about specific behaviors with me is expected and welcomed. So, talk to the parents. Approaching the parent with a discussion of activities and behavior while a child was in your care is appropriate. Hold off on sharing the tidbit about the boy not engaging your daughter or his sister. At 5 some boys simply think girls are gross and want nothing to do with them, especially a sibling. Eating habits, tv behavior and trying to walk outside door would be the first topics to discuss. Then ask the parents how they'd like you to handle these behaviors during babysitting.

It really depends on his mom's personality and your relationship with her. I had a friend once who's 2yr old son was so obviously autistic that strangers in the grocery store constantly commented on it, but in conversations with her she was so much in denial and angry about it that I knew bringing it up would end the friendship and she still wouldn't seek help for him. I also knew that his behaviors would easily be picked up by his pediatrician and that she regularly took him to the doctor for checkups (and it was, and he was tested, diagnosed, and put in multiple therapies). So in that situation I knew to keep my mouth shut, and offer help and support after the diagnoses.
You have to evaluate the mom, not the son, and decide which course of action will get her to get him help.

If he's this different from his siblings and these behaviors occur consistently all the time then chances are high that the parents are very much aware that there is a problem and he could already be in the process of being evaluated and diagnosed with Autism. It's nearly impossible to ignore. Most parents notice these things and aren't blind or resistant to the differences and difficulties that their children have.

That said, I wish someone had said something to me sooner. People walked on eggshells with me and waited until I realized that my daughter wasn't shy and simply late with her development. I knew something was wrong, but had no idea what and yet there were other people who did have a clue and never said a word until after we had a diagnosis and started to tell people about it.

You can start a conversation about how the evening went, and mention some behaviors that concerned you and ask how to handle them in the future. Open the doors of communication. Autism isn't easy to talk about, but it's not shameful either.

What great advice. Ask her how to help with something instead of saying "I think your child has a problem" which usually ends badly. I am going to do this from now on when a parent asks me advice because I used to teach.
I am not comfortable and tell them none of my degrees was in special ed. so I don't know.

I have been a childcare provider for many years and taught school before this business. I have had children with "issues" that are not on the develpment level of thier age. Most parents do not want to hear it! I have had some get a bit miffed. Just be carefull, even with the right intentions, parents can be funny.

I agree that you initiate a conversation with the parents about specific behaviors that affect his safety - like leaving the house or not following instructions, followed by his unwillingness to eat (not as serious). Ask they how they handle it or want you to handle it. I am sure they are aware of his behaviors and you don't know whether they have sought any sort of evaluation. They may be afraid that you (or others) won't babysit if they tell you about his issues. Raising the subject in a non-judgmental way would probably be a relief to them - it's kind of the elephant in the room, you know? No one's talking about it but everyone knows it's there. As a caregiver, you have every right to know all you can about the child and how to best meet his needs. And I would hope they would WANT you to. Once you engage in the conversation, you'll know from their responses where they are at with their son. Then you can proceed appropriately for further discussions/recommendations.