I've never had a good relationship with my husband's mom. I don't take it personally, she disliked me before she even met me for many reasons. But she's always tried to drive a wedge between me & my husband. Over the last few months he has put his foot down and told her he will not listen to her say negative things about me any more. She pouted for almost a week and didn't call, it was lovely. :-)
Then a few days ago she called and spent almost an hour on the phone insulting him and complaining about all sorts of things. He was very calm and didn't engage her, but some of the nasty things she said have been bothering him since then. She told him that our kids are spoiled, they don't know what to get them for Christmas because they already have every single toy out there. (Yeah right.) She said he pushes his religion in their faces. (She is Catholic, and he & I both converted to Baptist so she is very sensitive about that.) She even said he is cold and distant lately. (Baloney.) We don't have any kind of relationship where she would listen to me seriously, but I still really want to call her or email her about this. I don't think it's acceptable for her to treat him this way. He is a great dad & a great husband, and the things she said to him couldn't be further from the truth.
So what do you think is best for me to do? Should I keep my mouth shut and let this blow over? Or should I stand up for my hubby? He said she might enjoy it too much if I get upset over this. We agree that one of the reasons she's so angry is because he was so calm and didn't yell or argue with her. It's just so hard to sit back and watch how hurt he is by her words. I can't imagine ever talking like that to my son.
WOW, this is the first time I've ever gotten a unanimous answer! I love the idea of writing the email "to" her but sending it to my husband instead. You guys sure nailed her personality. She does have way too much free time, they are retired and have no friends or anyone to spend time with. She is the kind of person to complain about her meal at a restaurant JUST to get it for free.
Christy Lee has an awesome idea. I have found myself doing that in different situations and it works
Here's what *I* would do:
Write out the entire email, exactly the way you'd say it, leaving nothing out.
And then send it to your husband, NOT your MIL. Let him know, "I'm so angry about what MIL said. This is what I'd like to say to her. I haven't sent this email, and I won't. I just want you to know that I love you, support you, and believe that you are an amazing husband and father. I feel so upset about this whole mess and just needed you to know what's on my heart. Let's pray together tonight for God's will in this situation."
Then....delete the sent email. Your husband will have a copy and can do with it what he pleases, you'll have ranted and gotten it all out, and you can feel good in knowing that you've shared it with him.
Ooh, girl, I understand wanting to blow someboy up in defense of your hubby. Leave this alone, though. You can't do her any better than her getting no reaction from her own son. Just let him know that you can't stand for someone to be so hurtful toward him, and let it be.
Now, when she does it in person and in your presence, you might have an opening to give her the business right in the moment. Maybe. Writing her, however, tells her that you're sitting around thinking about her long after she's hung up the phone. You do not want to give her that impression. Follow your husband's lead. (Speak to her only when you can meet her privately in a back alley and it's your word against hers. You do not want a paper trail for future generations.)
Before I read your post, my response was, "Any time you have the option to stay out of MIL drama, you should do just that." Good luck.
Since she doesn't like you, calling her is pointless. Like your husband said, she would probably like the opportunity to get on your case as well.
I think you should suggest to your husband that next time his mother decides to insult him for an hour, that he refuse to engage or listen to it but instead just hang up the phone. "Mom, I'll talk to you when you can be pleasant."
Your husband doesn't need to subject himself to her tirades. I know from experience that it's very easy to shut the negative mother up -- just calmly refuse to listen to her.
Be sweet to your husband - he gets enough bile from his Mom.
You need to stay out of it but really? - it's up to him how much he wants to take from her.
All he has to do is hang up.
He's made a firm boundary regarding her trash talking about you.
Now he has to have just as firm a boundary about her trash talking (about him and/or the kids, etc).
If she only calls him to kvetch/belly ache/whine/complain - he needs to make it clear he's not her personal psychologist because that's who she needs to take it to.
First negative word out of her mouth and he should say "Gotta go! Later Mom!" - click - hang up.
Either she'll learn or she won't.
If she can't/won't change maybe cutting her off altogether is the only thing for him to do.
Yes, stay out of it, because wouldn't your MIL LOVE to be able to turn this around and try to make you out as the bad guy. Instead, spend your energy supporting your husband, reminding him that he is a great husband and dad. It sounds like he is handling it just right - staying calm and taking the high road.
Oh boy. I'd be tempted to say something, but I think you and your husband are both right in that it would just add fuel to the fire. You both need to take the high road, which means he sets appropriate boundaries and stands up for himself in a calm way and you stay out of it. I think that if you get involved, it will just increase the drama. Try to stay calm and centered for your husband - sorry that his mother is putting him and you through this. At the end of the day, she's the one who is going to lose out on a good relationship with her son and his family.
As much as you may want to, I vote for staying out of it. The conversation was between her and your husband. As far as the gifts go, tell her to skip gifts this year and take the kids to the park or zoo if possible. They will remember that more than what cool toy she got them this year. I would probably bite your tongue as much as you can, let your husband deal with it but try to keep a relationship with your kids there unless she is difficult with them as well.
It would probably be best to just let this one blow over. It sounds to me like she's itching for a fight. Since she can't taunt you anymore (good for your hubby btw), she's moved on to her son. He did the best thing he could have done: stayed calm in the face of her ire.
Hug each other, love each other, and remind each other how mean-spirited she is.
I'm not a fan of Taylor Swift, but her song "Mean" should give y'all some perspective.
Stay out of it. Mom or not I would never listen to someone insult or complain for an hour on the phone! You say "I am sorry mom but I'll be happy to talk to you when you're in better mood", then hang up. Done. Do that every time she probably would try to be more pleasant.
Wow. So sorry to hear about this toxicity in your life. My inclination is to agree with your husband and let it lie. She's his mother and it's their relationship. In my opinion, adding fuel to her fire would be unwise. It sounds like she's got a lot of time on her hands. Protect your children as best you can, ask him to tell you if, and or how, you can support him while he deals with his mother and try to continue not taking it personally. I would imagine the checkout girls, waitresses, and coffee baristas in her life take it on the chin as well. best of everything to you and yours. S.
Wow....this lady is a manipulative shrew of a beast. I bet her picture is next to the dictionary definition of CONTROL FREAK! I commend your husband for sticking up for you and continuing to deal with his mother's shenanigans. This woman sounds like a complete "hover craft" and I bet she usually gets her way when she wants something and makes people feel horrendously guilty when she doesn't. She is controlling, nosey, opinionated, and also wrong! People like this are never at fault for anything and they take pride and joy in making others jump hoops for them. After all, if you don't jump hoops, there will be attitude and a littany of punishments for those that that don't comply. I bet she also can't cough up an apology for the stuff she does either. I have a mother just like this. She doesn't hate my husband and is not mean to him at all but what she does do is play favorites amongst all of us kids in the family and also loves to saddle up with my youngest brother and create drama and shim-sham-shady stunts that she knows none of us other adult children will approve of. She is controlling and couldn't apologize for anything she does if her life depended on it. My brother...same way. Birds of a feather become dysfunctional together! I think your husband is doing a great job of keeping PsychoMom in her place. He deserves an award for that. I would not waste a minute, one second of my time or life ever indulging or explaining anything to this woman. What I would do is shut her down and shut her out. Who makes references like that about their grandkids and their son's wife? Well....PsychoMom does because she cannot control all of you. Relish in that fact. The less fuel you give her, the quicker the flame chokes out. people like this, even mother-in-laws are not worth the time and effort you might put forth. Pretty soon your own kids will see this too and take issue with her as well. It's a matter of time. I know because I live it too.
Definitely stay out of it!!!! I know how tempting it is (from my own personal life-long experience with toxic drama queen family members), but TRUST ME, stay out of it!!!! Please remember that you cannot reason with crazy!! I tried all my life, and it got me absolutely nowhere. Your MIL is being dramatic - do NOT contribute to her drama. Your husband handled himself beautifully throughout his phone conversation with his mother! Toxic people/drama queens thrive on altercations/arguments, but your husband did not contribute to her jabs at him. Evenutally, she will stop behaving like this, because your husband is not making it "fun" for her. She will then transfer her anger to another child of hers, and see if she can start up with his/her family. Hopefully your husband isn't an only child! Smile, live your life, feel sorry for your MIL, and avoid drama at all costs!!!
I'm sorry your mother in law is toxic. I understand completely. The awesome thing is that your husband has finally stood up to her and protected you. Sometimes it takes men a long time to realize their mom is toxic and some never learn. In that aspect your pretty lucky.
I'm not sure what I would do. I did stand up to my mother in law last year and we didn't talk for months. It felt great to let it all out and she realized she can't push me around like she used to. It didn't change her nasty personality though.
I think whatever you feel is best would make you feel better. If that's standing up to her then let it out. If my mother in law treated my husband like that I would be upset too.
Part of the "payoff" for her is added attention on herself - don't give it to her. When you're around her, be supportive of your husband and focus your attention on him. Be deliriously happy with him and pretend you don't know anything about what she's upset about. It will probably drive her a little nuts. hee hee.
Didn't read the responses, but looks like we're all on the same page.
She sounds toxic. People like her feed off the drama and fighting. Don't give her the satisfaction of responding.
YOU know your husbands a good man and father. If his mother wants to degrade him, she's pitiful. Good for him for not getting fired up. That alone will drive her CRAZY!!!!!
Stick together, but don't stir the pot!
Not only would I not respond to her, but I would encourage my husband to limit his conversations and his time with her. I had to do this with my own mom. When I met my second husband, she didn't like him and it showed. She became nasty to all of us. I just had to step back and it really worked. She backed off and things have gotten better between all of us. It sounds like your husband has finally wised up and isn't responding to her games. I would just take it a step further and limit his communication with her and time spent. For example, if you go over there for the holidays, you don't have to stay all day. Good luck.
