Middle School Terrors!!!!

go buy a tierra and a tutu. Then explain that if his behavior does not change you will attend all his classes for a week wearing the outfit. Believe me just showing up one time will change his mind and attitude. Good luck~

Middle school just seems to be a bad time for kids. My daughter was getting A's in school until middle school. We tried grounding her and everything but it didn't help. She ended up failing that year. It wasn't until high school that she wised up. Just keep a close eye on him because this is when they can get into serious trouble. They want to do what all the other kids are doing.

I have not raised a terrifying middle schooler but I have been one. I can tell you from my experience looking back what I needed. When I got to the age of 11 or 12 I started having a hard time dealing with life. I had been through some things (some at school some at home) that I just did not have the life skills to deal with. As a result I started having a terrible attitude, began ingoring school/schoolwork and I also tried drugs for the first time at age 11. I am not saying this to scare you but I want to help you understand where he might be so you can help. I was put into counseling but it was with someone who just sat and said "Mmmmhmmm" the whole time. I was also was bored in school and needed to be challenged but I think that is only part of the issue. What I really needed was for my parents to pay attention to me; to let me know they didn't think I was bad but loved me and at the same time to set some strong limits. I think a counselor is good but needs to be someone that can really do some work. Also, instead of just sending your son try going with him so he doesn't feel as if something is wrong with him but frame it as you need to figure some things out as a family. Let him know you have noticed he hasn't been happy recently and you want to try to find out how you can help him. I would check out www.imagotherapy.com to find a therapist. Imago is a therapy that was originally created for couples but it works so well for any type of relationship. It really gets at the root of the issue without putting anyone on the defensive. The therapists trained in this method are some of the best I have seen not only for family therapy but also for individual. As far as setting the limits you can check out www.loveandlogic.com It is a website with free articles as well as other respources on their parenting style. It sets clear limits in a loving and logical way (hence the name) It mimicks real life consequences so it is so helpful and it puts the responsibility on the child while the parents take the roll of guiding the child through learning to be responsible. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you as I know I put my mother through so much, she earned every grey hair she has. But she was not equipped with any resources to help me learn to deal with the things I was dealing with and she didn't take the time to really deal with me on the issues I was having. She did the best she could and I love her for that but she just didn't have what I needed. You can have all the resources you need. There are some good suggestions in the responses here and on the websites I have suggested. We know so much more now about why children behave this way and how to help them than they did when I was going through it. The really wonderful thing is that you have the opportunity to help your son learn some things that will serve him the rest of his life. These lessons are ones that will allow him to live a productive life full of internal peace and joy. I wouldn't trade the hard times for anything because they gave me the opportunity to learn to live spiritually (not religiously but spiritually.) I am much more aware than the average person about what is happening in my life and I am also much more prepared to deal with difficulty with grace when life throws a curve ball. I feel fortunate to have been through what I have; it has absolutely made me a better person, mother, employee, friend, etc. Your son now has that same opportunity only you can help him learn over the next year or two instead of having him have to learn it over the next 10 figuring it out on his own. You never know, this may be a personal journey for you as well that you end up being grateful for. Allow spiritual principles to guide you as you guide him through this tough time. I will be praying for you and if I can be of any further help please do not hesitate to contact me privately.

Bless your heart!! I am a Mom of 4 and we made it pass middle school OK with 3 of our kids 1 didn't adjust to middle school things got so bad that we ended up taking her out for a semester we worked it out with the Dr and the school they sent a teacher to our house and she did her work from home. It was the second semester she didn't go and that summer, then she went back to school the following year and did OK! She is now 23 and fine! During that hard time she was having at school (we are still in the dark why) She was angry with us? Taking everything away did not help ... we went to the Dr and found someone she could talk to and we worked with her counselor ... I feel as though some kids just wear their heart on the outside and when they see so many mean things at middle school they just get mad at the world ... be his friend and fight for him! Let him know how much you love him and that you will get though this together!!!

I worked as an educator in middle school for 29 years. I know that some of the things you are describing are typical for the age. However, some of the things you describe sound serious. As I don't know you personally, I hate to tell you that it sounds like the use of some chemical mood modifiers. They are easily obtained in even the best of schools and can have serious consequences. Please check with your doctor first for physical problems. Then see a counselor.
Also rewards work better than punishment but make them short term. A good day in school and the child chooses dinner. A good week and the child gets a special event with parents. Sometimes their bad behaviors are cries for more attention. Hope I have been of some help.

Has he been tested for dyslexia or learning disabilities? If he has difficulty learning or keeping up with his schoolwork it could cause this protective/defiant attitude.

Hi J....we had a similar issue with our son. and we took things away one at a time till all he could do was sit on his bed....we basically stood over him while he did his homework, etc. He was a soccer player and dearly loved the game. it was the only thing we hadn't take away...in addition to everything else, we were trying to teach him that you don't quit something you've started and all of the things that effect a team...but finally when nothing else worked we threatened to pull him from soccer. becuase he knew we didnt' make idol threats everything changed.....all kids have something that is most near and dear to them...once you find that one thing then you've got the edge...maybe you should go sit in his classroom with him everyday. as a middle schooler that would be embarrassing....sometimes you have to go to the extreme even if it's embarrassing for him and inconvenient for you....but it sounds like you're on the right track...you just haven't found his "thing" yet....hang in there, he's worth the trouble i'm sure....R.

Hi J.,
Much good advice here but couldn't read all of it, so I hope I'm not repeating anything. Well, he may have that 'learning disability' which he hides by being rebellious. However, before my son would even think of acting this way, at about 12/13 I pointed out all the sad cases of people with nothing going for them.

We'd drive along and watch individuals laying on the street, drugged up, no direction. Then I showed him a site at a morgue and had him read why they ended up there. I told him that's exactly, and I mean exactly how he'll turn out if he doesn't take education seriously.

Mom and Dad won't be there to fix it. And, contrary to the old adage, money IS everything. You want nice things, work hard for it. He's got it made with us right now, but it will quickly die for him if he doesn't stay on the ball.

He seemed to get the msg. He's 16 now and a straight A student, but he may have done well anyway, I don't know. Try therapy if you must, but try this first. Good luck.

I have a 12 year old daughter who has been in the same boat as your son. My daughter was diagnosed as ADD in 3rd grade. She is on medicine. We recently found out that she has been palming her meds. We have gone through the whole "taking away everything, but the bed" routine and it just didn't work with her. I'm not saying that your son is ADD. I am saying that you have to find the one thing that he does care about to encourage him to get that priviledge. For my daughter, it is a cellphone. She has to get her planner signed by each teacher every day and at the end of the month she will get a cellphone. If her grades fall or if it is reported to me or my husband that her attitude is back, then she will lose the cellphone. It was worked wonders for my daughter. Oh, yeah, another thing that I did was email all of her teachers and ask them to PLEASE help me. I could not get her to do her homework and since she has 7 different teachers how would I know what the homework is? So each teacher emails me the assignments at the beginning of the week so that I can call her on it if she tries to lie to me. She hasn't yet. Hope your situation gets better soon. You will be in my prayers.

Hi J.,
Bless your heart! I know exactly what you are going through. It is not uncommon, believe it or not! My kids are 21 and 18 and both of them went through this in different ways, and most of their friends had similar experiences. Middle school years are just awful, but please realize it's not ALL your child's fault. In fact, most of it ISN'T. My kids went to one of the major school systems here in the Oklahoma City metro area, a school system that has always had a very good reputation. As it turned out, that reputation might have been true "back in the day" but by the time my kids experienced their school years (especially middle school) the system was terrible. They had teachers who could have cared less--one even told me she was only there for a second income, and so she could be "off" when her own kids were. Another told me she was there because she was waiting on a high school opening where they had "block scheduling" and her workload would be less. When my daughter went to middle school, she became withdrawn and depressed. A lot of her friends went through the same thing. She began to want to stay home all the time--she'd have a headache, or a stomach ache or something. She managed to keep up her grades, always had straight A's, and in 8th grade wound up with a math teacher who was jealous of her (she had a daughter the same age, very competitive there at the school) and tried to rook my daughter out of the A she deserved. We ended up having to take it to the administration to make her give my daughter the grade she had earned. So you will have some vindictive, petty individuals teaching your child, and you have to keep vigilant about what's going on not only with other kids, but teachers as well. When my son went to middle school (the same one) he became the target of a group of bullies. He didn't tell us for a long time, and I couldn't understand his unwillingness to go to school, as he had always loved it so much. Turned out, he was just putting up with them and nothing was being done about it at school. I moved him to Oklahoma City Public Schools to a charter school and he loved it. It was a world of difference and turned his whole life around. He looked forward to going again, got his work done, and his whole attitude changed. I would urge you to consider putting your son in a different school-- maybe there are issues there at the one he goes to that he doesn't want to talk about. Also, you know, things have changed so much--they are learning things in middle school now that we didn't have until high school, and the pace is really fast. When you have other burdens on your mind, schoolwork is one of the last issues you care about. I hope this helps, and please feel free to write to me if you need more information.
C.

Kids at this age are just beginning to discover their niche. I have 12 year old twins that go through times like your son. We have gone to the extreme of grounding him to his desk where he must study from the time he comes home to the time he goes to bed. This went on for 6 weeks! After seeing his grades go down after this extreme action we gave up. We brought them together and told them we were out of ideas of ways to help them succeed. We asked THEM what they thought would help them and what would be their punishment if their grades faltered. The agreement was that we would try it their way for 1 month and if it didn't work we would try it another way. Their way worked. Their grades did come back up but every now and then they fall. We do find that praising them with their successess help. If someone always criticizes you for everything that goes wrong I would give up too. Try praising him for the little things and see if his attitude changes some. All they want is love and acceptance. Try asking God for guidance also. He is the ultimate parent with ALL the answers!

As far as school is concerned, I have to say that the best thing to do is to go and sit in on his class. In a school I volunteered with, It was mandatory that parents come sit in the classroom with their children if they had a certain number of incidents. It helped the majority of the kids that I saw it happen to. Counseling may be a viable option. Try to find out if something is going on at school. I have seen kids decline because they are having issues with other kids, or being bullied. Good luck!

Bless your heart. It is sooo hard.

You've gotten some good advice. My thoughts --

1. Is the child involved in sports? I find for boys that really helps motivate them and blow off steam.

2. How's his diet? Does he eat a lot of artificial colors/flavors/processed food/soda? If so, eliminate them. Definitely get him started on a good Omega 3 and multivitamin.

3. Don't forget that his peers in middle school are likely contributing to the problem. If he is in public school, you can't pick his friends.

I might explore other educational options before therapy. He won't like it, but like vegetables, it might be better in t he long run.

Oh the joys of 6th grade, from the 6th grade teachers point of view. Puberty yes he is hitting it... while teaching 6th grade we deffinatly know when a girl hits it but boys are a problem and some their signs are worse than a girl. There were often times my peers and I would have this same conversation with many parents. The conclusion to many parents disamy was think back to how you disiplined when they were in kindergarten. Simple rules with concrete relationships. Sit down with your child and set realistic goals and consequnces for undesired behavior and rewards for desired behavior. This is the most important time of their life and their imput will help give them better ownership to their behavior. I found many times our parents had stripped of the childs life from them so they in turn just give up. Good parenting and guiding a 6th grader is taking the time to stop, hear their point of view, and work on setting realistic goals. It is a mazing how a 6th grader can turn full circle when their support system makes them feel included in there preasently out of control life. I Hope this helps.

My step son turned 14 today, and is in the 8th grade. We have had the exact same attitude from him for his entire stint in middle school. In fact, during this time he has come to live with my husband and I because his mother was not capable of handling him at this age. It has been very tough, and nothing we have done has been 100% successful. However, we found that he responds best to a very strict schedule after school. As soon as he walks in the door, he gets a drink and a snack. Then, he shows us his agenda. If it is not filled out, he has automatically lost his social priv. for the day. Then, we go through his folders. If he fails to bring home his entire locker, again...no socialization for the day (phone, outdoors, company etc...). We skip over the "do you have homework" question because the answer is always no, but the truth is always yes. Once we've gone through his locker contents for the day, we dig out his homework and sit down to do it. We also stay in close contact with all of his teachers through e-mail. (He hates that! LOL) After that is done, he does his reading for 30 minutes. All of these things are non-negotiable, and for the most part, he responds well to the routine. At least he knows what to expect. We do not except "I forgot" or "I don't have to" as viable excuses. His social life is very important to him, and he knows he has to get through this part of the day before he can have it. It's almost like an additional hour of school at home.
I'm not gonna lie...it's a pain in the butt. But that's how we keep Robert on track. (For the most part...life happens.)

Wish I had THE answer. Wish I could get the answer.

I think you're definitely right to go to therapy. A psychologist has helped my daughter a lot. The advice below -- about sitting in on class is very good also.
Beyond that, though, you may even need to change schools. My daughter did great in a small, academically-rigorous Christian school, but her grades have plummeted (along with the attitude) in public middle school. It's not the work -- she's given work that's several years behind what she was doing in private school (much of it she mastered years ago), yet she's getting low grades. It's the environment, peer group, trying to be "cool," and "keep the parents out of it" attitude of public school. She tries very hard to hide her intelligence so she won't be a "nerd." Even the popular music is hair-raising. You should check out the lyrics to whatever your son listens to -- you may find the way he talks to you is mild compared to what he's filling his mind with in music. You might even tell him if his attitude doesn't change dramatically, that you will withdraw and homeschool him (obviously, only tell him that if you will really do that). It would probably actually help him tremendously, and you could get him around very nice kids that way, but it sounds like he won't really cooperate with you. However, since he's not cooperating with public school either, there's not much to lose. He might like homeschool.
One more area to consider -- does he get enough sleep?

I have a middle schooler too. Please let your son know that if he does not behave in school you will come to school with him and will sit with him in all of his classes. Folow through is the best medicine here.

I also have a child in middle school...6th grade...a girl so the problem is she wants to be a "social butterfly" & to heck w/school...she has small classes & just doesn't want to do the work...she's lazy, lies about everything, so hateful & disrespectful to us...her little sister doesn't understand. I know they go through a "stage" & trying to "find" their place in the "big pool" of life is very hard. I suggest asking the counselor for suggestions or find a therapist on your own...you can't afford to "let it ride" ! Good luck!

J. -- I am a single mom to two wonderful young adults (now). It has just been the three of us for the last 17 years. My son went through a very rough time in middle school through high school. He was the class clown, always acting out in class, I can't recall how many time he was suspended -- the teachers could not teach when my son was in the room. I always took my sons side, always! I knew he was a good kid, there just had to be a different problem -- there was!! In high school a friend told me to have my son tested (should have years before). The principal would not accept his transcripts from an Illinois school from his sophomore year. She placed him in 9th & 10th grade classes instead of acknowledging him as a Junior. So after much protesting by the principal at his high school my son was allowed to take an assessment test, my son tested out above a High School level. The school had to allow him to graduate in his Junior year at the age of 17. He is now in his last year of college at 22.

I know this is a long winded explanation and I really didn't go into all the hassle we (my son) endured all through school ..but please have your son evaluated ... by a doctor, by a therapist, by an outside counselor. He could be bored stiff ... that is what my son kept telling me ... my son also has a touch of ADD and could not stay still.

I will be praying for you and your family, it is not easy trying to figure out what is wrong ... but keep trying.
B.

p.s. my daughter also has the same tendencies as my son, just not as intense and disruptive.

Hello J.. I also have a 12 yer old son who has a mouth on him that absolutly drives me crazy!!! My son has ADHD and is currently on medication for this, however, we went for several months with no meds. One thing that I did was that I put him in Martial Arts. It teaches them self control and self disapline. If he gets out of line with his Sinsea, he has to drop and give 10, if he gets out of line again, he drops and gives 20, so on and so forth. It kinda works at home as well. Eventually his arms get tired and he shuts his mouth. However, the grades issue, like I said he has to take medication, and the fact that I have in what they call "LAB". In our days it was called LD class. I have had some mothers and teachers tell me that when you have your child placed in a LAB class, they dont like it much and will be more than willing to participate in getting grades up you get them out of that class. Unfortunatly, my sone has no choice to get out right now, anyway. I hope I have helped you some, keep me informed.
Sheila from Harrah

I don't have a middle schooler, but I do have a 10 yr old boy who mature beyond his years. He has a problem with attitude more often than I would like to admit. One thing that I found to be helpful, is to give him my undivided attention. We just talk about what's going on in our lives, tell jokes and stuff. It seems that his additude is instantly different when he is reminded just how much that I care.

I first tried this when I noticed that in school he is doing much better this year. When I investigated further I realized that the difference is that his teacher gives him extra attention. I recognized a mutual respect between the teacher and my son. I then began to work on that area between my son and myself. It is still sometimes rocky but I try to listen to him more.

I'm not sure what your circumstances are J. but I am really sorry this is happening! I do remember my parents going through similar circumstances with my stepbrother. I know for them they decided to sit down and map out an exact plan. They enrolled him in tutoring and set clear, concise boundaries. Those had consequences and they set my stepbro down and explained to him the consequences for each action. Like "if you act childish in class, you will sweep and mop all the floors." They had to use chores after he lost all fun proveleges. They also set up meetings with the teachers that INCLUDED Brayden. This really helped because they could discuss with him not at him. I also remember in the beginning his dad actually going to school with him, after getting permission of course, and that really helped because Bray was so embarrassed that he straightener up pretty quick. I have learned that although children will test the boundaries you set for them, if you are clear and concise and follow through with consequences they will eventually learn right and wrong. My biggest advice- church. Get him involved spiritually. Set boundaries, get tutoring, and discuss and action plan with him. Firm and loving. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers!