Meeting My Birthmom for the First time..need Advice

I was raised by my grandparents - I met my mom when I was 22. My best advice is to have no expectations. Enjoy what's good, forget what sucks. Realize that you're going to need a therapist when you get back because everyone is going to get sick of hearing you talk about it - whether it's super good or super disappointing.

*hugs*
Good luck.
S.

I met my biological father when I was 19 and had all kinds of emotions and experiences. At the beginning, things were neat. I was guarded though, because it felt awkward to have someone that I never knew anything about, but suddenly was very important. I knew who he was at the airport without ever having seen him or planning what we would wear, and he was nervous too. I tried to stay cool, and just get to know him and stuff because I realized all my preconceived ideas were out the window. I called him dad to his face, but always by his name otherwise, because the man I called my dad was the one who did all the real work after he adopted me. Our first meeting, I was 19 and went to his home for Thanksgiving week. It was nice, a little strange, but nice. A few years later I saw him again when we went on a trip to Italy. That was mostly cool, and though I saw things that hinted to why mom divorced him while I was a baby, he was pretty good. But then a couple years later we had a huge falling out and he hurt me (or made me mad? Still haven't decided?) and we didn't speak even though he tried, for several years. When I found out I was pregnant, I got back in touch with him because I was his only child and I didn't deem him bad enough to never meet his only grandchild, and he lived in Europe so it was "emotionally safe".
We've since been fine. Like I said, distance is safety for my emotions, which I do tend to guard. We send emails and phone each other every month or so. We went to England on a trip last year and made a stop where we met and spent the day with him and his wife, and it was nice. He was very nervous, kinda like a 14 year old on a first date, but the trip was sweet. It was good that he loved my husband and bragged on him a lot. It was cute the way he just stared with an almost visible lump in his throat at my baby in his infant carrier. He was on his best behavior, and I kinda almost felt bad for him. Glad it happened. I think the key is to take everything for what it is and not allow your brain to work things up in your head that aren't there, or a future, or creating a hero on a pedestal. That wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. Enjoy your trip; it will be special.

Dear K.,

Both of my children are adopted. My oldest daughter met her birthmother last year for the first time. My daughter was 18 years old and had a very positive visit with her birthmother and all of her family. They continue to talk on the phone each week. There is a book I highly recommend you read called "The Primal Wound - Understanding the Adopted Child" by Nancy Newton Verrier. The same author has written another book that I have not read yet called "Coming Home to Self". I purchased these two books on Amazon.com.

It sounds like you will have an opportunity to have a lot of questions answered and understand things that you have had questions about in a new way. May God Bless you as you take this step to meet your birthmother and family!

R.

I found my birth mom when I was around 30 - we were "pen pals" for a long time before I felt ready to meet her - she was eager, but respectful. We had dinner together when she was in town on business - it was awkward - I am so glad my dh was there to help keep the conversation moving.

We have only met one other time - but we email regularly.

I don't your circumstances - mine was a closed adoption and she had no idea where I had gone - I brought her an album of pictures of me throughout my life.

I am a little concerned about your arrangement - she is picking you and you are staying with her. It is going to be emotion overload. I think I would have had a more neutral first encounter.

You can email me privately if you want to.

congratulations! i am also an adoptee but my adoption was international so the chance of meeting my birth parents is slim...
although i havent been able to meet my birth parents i would just say to be open & accept her as who she is...& not who you have made her to be in your mind. know that there will be disappointments along with happiness.
good luck! i hope it all goes well!

I'm not adopted but I just wanted to say good luck and I hope all goes well. I personally think adoption is a wonderful gift. I realize it is hard on the "child" who wonders why they were given up for adoption but some people would never become parents if adoption wasn't available. I think its wonderful you are getting to meet your birthmom. Just a thought...maybe know a hotel close by in case you do want or need a night to stay by yourself and sort your thoughts. I think you'll be fine but you might but knowing wehre to go will be less stressful (just in case). Also, one of my best friends is adopted. She found both of her birth parents in her 20s. She has a wonderful, incredible relationship with her birth father...they are two peas in a pod. Not so much with her birth mom but she's ok with that. As everyone else said...take the good and forget the bad...and try to be open and understanding. I pray that she will be the same for you. Sorry to ramble on...I just think this is such a neat experience and I wish you all the best!! : )

No advice here K., just wanted to send you a cyber hug. I am nervous and excited for you. I can't even begin to imagine everything you must be feeling ! This is so exciting.

Best to you!
N.

HI K.. I just want to send my prayers with you on your trip! I am not adopted, but my brother is. My parents adopted him when he was 2 weeks old--closed adoption. I was 6 yrs. old and I just remember that being the HAPPIEST day of my life. He is now 25 years old and has chosen not to meet his birth mom. But I am glad you have made this decision for yourself and so I am just sending you words of encouragement! :) Love, C.

awww!! that is wonderful. i am sooo glad you are going to be able to experience this....for 27 years now i have longed to find my biological father and no luck...my mom will not tell me anything about him...so i will never get that chance... but there is an empty place in my heart that belongs too him...and i know that just because a parent cant be a parent when they have us doesnt mean that they cant change...im sure your mom had a good reason for what she did...and it was probably in your best interest. there are soooo many parents out there that shouldnt drag there children through their rough life that are toooo selfish to hand them to someone that can take care of them... that doesnt mean that she didnt love you....good luck and keep an update on how things went

I've been in your shoes. I know its easier said than done but stop stressing. it's an amazing array of emotions but once you step off the plane and get that first akward hug etc out of the way.... It will flow. She is just as nervous and excited as you are.
I found my mom when I was 32 (on my bday actually).
If you have any ?'s feel free to ask .

I met my birth mom when I was 21. Gosh 17 years ago!! It has been such a blessing. I quickly felt confortable when I met her. My adoptive parents had died so I didn't have to deal with any guilt about their feelings. The most important thing I think is to not put expectations on her to be your Mom. That was the only thing that I run up against. For instance, I was disappointed about the level of care she gave me when she came for the birth of my daughters. It would have been great for an older sister but I wanted a Mom. I sometimes feel strange about her relationship with my sisters. It's not that we all aren't close. She just isn't my mom in that way. She's too young and we don't share the experience of her raising me. It's funny my adoptive mom died when I was 13 and now I have just realised that I have known my birth mother longer. It should make us all feel good about how important the person you call mom while growing up is. My adoptive Mom will always be my mom, but, I would not trade the experience of making my birth family part of my life for anything. I have learned so much about myself and it is an amazing experience. Relax, Enjoy, this will be such an adventure.

K.,

I have no experience with adoption so any advice I gave you would be unfounded but I want to let you know that you will be in my prayers. I can only imagine what you must be feeling. You must be a very brave person and I hope you get everything you want out of this experience.

Best wishes,
C.

Hey! I just met my biological on Veterans Day.. I am 16 years old and I.. I just realized the date for this aricle... lol