Mean Girls!!

I have a 10 year old and from I've learned over the years - it happens.. I've been told esp with girls it happens.. some kids just are mean.. just don't play with them.. period.

KIds this age don't often know the power of the words they are saying - and sometimes they are trying to actually learn just how powerful they are. And I do think they have to be taught about how to treat others - empathy is not inborn. What happens if you have the family over to your house? There you can probably more easily say, "In this house, these are our rules: use words like, "I need a break now," "In our house everyone is allowed to play - I can help you figure out how to play together if you need help.". You get the idea.

You could also try role playing with your daughter, using dolls or stuffed animals...what to say when a friend says something mean. "Ouch - that hurts my feelings." And what her other options are then - suggesting a new game, taking a break, etc.

It's hard to learn how to get along - still hard for most of the adults I know, even if we don't blurt out our feelings quite so much! What a great opportunity to teach both your daughter and her friend. If the other adults don't rise to the occasion and respond in a way that seems appropriate, then you have some information about their parenting style and that will inform your choice of what kind of time to spend with them. It's so great to have families with kids that you are all friends with...but not every family you meet will be the right match. Tougher to figure that out when they're your neighbors of course!

Hoping you can work this out! Good luck.

A.

I think you should set up playdates on days that your neighbor is not playing with her daycare friend. She can't be over there everyday, can she? Three can be a crowd and kids can be mean and I know it's heartbreaking to see you own child treated this way. I also encourage you to join things, go to playgrounds, etc. so your child can meet other kids and not be dependent on her neighbor, only to be disappointed when she's not around. There are so many places and ways to meet other kids - check if your town has some kind of family network, look online, go to the library, classes. etc.

Make yourself unavailable. The other parents didn't notice or care what was going on, chalk it up to an early life lesson.
Get new friends, search out your local MOMS Club (www.momsclub.org) and/or only have your daughter play with that girl when it's just the 2 of them.

That one year age difference may or may not make a difference in interest. And you can't make them play together just because you're there.

Kids will be kids only goes so far.

It's unfortunate and I understand about living in a neighborhood where there are few neighbors, however, how desperate are you for socialization?

Consider getting together with other friends and have them over every other week and then go to their house every other time in between.

When my friend's daughter is mean to my daughter, I try to say to the friend's daughter "it is not ok to be mean to Ellie, you have to include her. You cannot shut her out of your room." I also make sure my friend knows I'm saying it or overhears me. Then she backs me up. My friend doesn't always notice it happening, but if I call it to her attention, then she steps in too. Young girls can be really mean, and I think it is up to all of us to teach them that that is not ok.

A good rule of thumb is only do one-on-one playdates, because if there is an odd number of children, someone will be left out. Kids naturally pair up. And even though 1 year doesn't seem like a big difference in age, the leap from 3.5yrs to 4.5yrs is a big one when kids are playing together, so the like-aged children were more compatible.
To an adult this behaviour seems rude, but it is age appropriate. All you can do is try to minimize the possibility of it happening by making sure there is an even number of children, and perhaps your daughter can play with children closer in age to herself.

I don't have too much advice for you except to say that this has happened to my son alot. He is 3 1/2 years old and is very social. He talks to everyone and thinks that everyone is his best friend. We have even been to the laundromat where two girls where there and kept telling him they weren't his friends to a point where he was pushing himself on the girls. I had to pick him up kicking and screaming and carry him away because him and the girls were getting so upset. A woman sitting there said that I should tell my son that sometimes girls play different, and not that they didn't want to play or like him because then he will grow up with issues. In the past, when someone doesn't want to talk to my son, I've tried to distract him and remove him from the situation to protect him.

Good Luck

I can tell you that when my older sister had friends over I was left out all the time this is just how kids are. I would hang out w/ my younger neighbor but if I had friends around my own age I would prefer to be with them. Different ages play differently and have different interests. This girl wasn't being mean she was being honest. I remember playing w/ my cousin and we told her brother who is only a year younger that he couldn't play because its no boys allowed. She didn't want to play and she let your daughter know. It might have hurt your daughter's feelings but better to be honest. Kids are like this from now until high school tell your daughter you will need to join a play group, story hour, etc some place where she can make friends her own age to have play dates with. Tell your neighbors that you won't be joining them unless its adults only because of this and maybe they will come around invite you and your daughter over only when theirs doesn't have company. I honestly think that children only play well in groups that have even numbers because they tend to pair off in groups of two so when there is 3 someone's feelings will always get hurt.

I agree that you should try to only let your daughter go over when it will be just two girls. My dad had some friends with a son in between my age and my brother's age when I was a kid, and our families got together a lot. No matter what, the three of us could not play nicely together. It was always two against one, although the teams rotated. If you really like your neighbors and think their daughter is generally nice, I would not avoid them -- if you avoid everyone whose young child is ever occasionally mean, you'll have no friends left. Just find excuses not to come if another girl is over, or go ahead and let your neighbors know the reason you're declining the invitation, if you're comfortable with that.

I think sometimes kids are just overly honest and not necessarily intending to be mean. Definitely try to have the girls play together without the third friend around. You will encounter this very frequently as your daughter gets older and you may even find yourself smoothing the waters after your own daughter doesn't want to play with someone. Kids have very short memories and especially girls will say something mean sounding one minute (like, "You can't come to my birthday party!") then the next minute be best friends again.

M., I'm sorry to hear about your daughters friends. I hope you know this is probably a phase with the two other girls, as long as it gets addressed. My experience is 5 yo girls can be quite catty if left to their own devices. I would handle it one of two ways.... 1) speak with the neighbor mom and let her know your daughter was feeling left out at the last visit and what she said the others said- not accusing, but just this is what she said and ask her if the three moms could help the three girls play better all together- that way no one is accused and no kid is blamed. Or- next time you are all together and you notice your daughter is left out, take her by the hand to the other girls and remind them she is there and would like to play too. If they say no, then the other Moms will be aware of it and it's there's to deal with. Neither has to be accusing or harsh. I know it's hard when your baby is left out, but it's a learning opportunity for the other girls as well, and it does not have to be confrontational. Three is ALWAYS a hard number, no matter what the age!! I hope that helps and I hope it gets better so you don't have to give up those valuable visits!

Hi M.,
I am afraid that's the way kids are and from really early on. You will see in any get-together that older kids don't want to play with younger ones even when they are toddlers. Your daughter wouldn't want to play with a younger kid either especially if there were a peer on the scene encouraging her in this. Kids come across this many times and have to learn to take it in her stride. She will be stronger and, I hope, kinder to other kids for it. As the youngest of three kids I have gone through this a lot and it does hurt but well I can vouch that there is no lasting damage...

Dear M.,

i am coming at this from the other end. My son, then 3 years old, had a phase when he did not want to play with our neighbour girl (same age) with whom he had been best friends before. He was outspoken about it. Our son is a calm and mild guy, so there was no name-calling or meanness, other than it was so "cold and clear" that he didn't want to play with her.

Our neighbours reacted very wisely. They avoided us for a while, but not without explaining that they wanted to protect the childrens' friendship by not superimposing Alma's presence on our son. With this they spared Alma the hurtful experience and us adults the awkwardness of having to make up for/explain this rejection. They asked me to wait for the day when our son would want to play with Alma again, and to let some "longing" build up. We did that. It didn't take too long (a few weeks).

They are very good friends again. And the hurt feelings in us moms and grandmas have healed as well. I feel that my neighbours did a very smart thing. I could tell they were personally hurt by my son's rejection, even though i made it a teaching moment for him (how to treat guests and friends and still be true to ourselves) and was very sure to tell them that i myself loved them and their girl a lot. In the end, the children are ony 3.5 years old, and they cannot be expected to be in control of their feelings and super-polite. Honesty is a good thing, and they still have to learn how to be honest AND loving.

In your case i would do a similar thing. Maybe then the neighbour girl will want to play with your daughter again. But it might not happen, since at this stage the older friend will be so much more attractive. You do not want forced friendliness, and you cannot make them be friends. I would speak openly about this with your neighbours, after your own reacion has cooled a little, and you feel less hostile and outraged. It is natural to feel hurt and angry for your daughter. At the same time you probably have the ability to transform these feelings and take a calm and open-hearted look at the whole situation. You may be able to protect your growing friendship to the neighbours. Being freinds with the neighbours is such a blessing!

good luck,
D.

M.,
I know how this hurts you also. I would try it again with your neighbors. I would also keep a close eye one her so she would not get hurt feelings again. And if it does happens, you can nicely step in tell her we treat our friends nice. I would let the other mom know about about hurt feelings right away. You can say it like your hurt also. If it doesn't work out then don't bring your precious little girl over for a while. Good Luck!

Save your daughter from this drama queen!

I feel for you because no one wants to see their child experience what your family is experiencing. I believe you will find that you and your husband will be finding new friends also. If parents do not see the wrong their children are doing it is usually because they are of the same mind. How do our children learn? from us. You are correct when you said you would take it as an opportunity to teach if your child was acting like the other little girl is. When they saw you and your husband playing with your daughter they should have been curious and intervened with the situation. A 4-5 year old can be made to do people right, because that is how they learn. You will need wisdom on how to transition your daughter from this friendship, and I believe God will give that to you if you ask Him. Is there something you can get your daughter involved in that she can make new friends? Gymnastics start at an early age and some dance companies do also, or maybe your library has a story hour. No one needs friends so bad that they relinquish their comfort level to have a social life. My four sons are ages 34-28 and I have seen quite a bit with raising them, also as a child care provider, and a special education teacher. It will be interesting to see how that couple will respond if you and your husband do decide to accept their next invitation without your daughter. But my question is, will you tell her that you are going over there without her; or is it going to be a secret? And if it is a secret, how will you explain to her when she finds out that you went without her? You don't want to have secrets in your family. Read the book: ,An Essential Practical Guide to Family Living There is a chapter on parenting, self esteem and so much more. Your daughter's self esteem is very important in developing into a whole adult. I really think you should get out of the friendship and stand as a family. Mom and dad are soon to do the same to you and your husband, because that is how they are. Don't sacrifice your happy family for a shallow friendship. I hope you will read that book. Many others have shared things with me about the book.
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