May Be Just a Vent, but How Rude It This?!

It could come across as rude, but just to play the devil's advocate - not all people understand what it is like to have close ties with their grandparents due to distance, divorce, etc. This could have been the case. Plus, even the most sensitive men aren't particularly vocal about their "feelings" - the fact that he mentioned it at all is a good sign. Also, I've found that it is easy to misinterpret someone's "tone" via email or electronic communication - its one of the drawbacks of this techy era.

My brother was killed 17 years ago and I still remember the way people reacted. We had numerous people who tried to help and ended saying completely the wrong thing. I had people who ignored the situation, people who joked about it and the worst for me, were the people who offered useless advice.

The conclusion I finally came to was that they just did not understand and I was grateful that they did not. Most of the people you with deal with have never had to deal with a deep emotional loss and for that I am grateful. So when I run into someone who is insensitive to my grief I just smile and think how lucky they are that they have not had to deal with strong grief in their life.

As far as his guilt in not being able to see her a last time. You might suggest that he write her a letter telling her everything that felt he missed telling her.

Hang in there it will get easier for both of you *hugs*

It does sound insensitive and rude, but guys sometimes don't know how to be emotional, is it possible that was his way of saying if you need to talk I'm here? If not yea, incredibly rude!

I think you need to take a step back and stop personalizing what a person may write on Facebook.. (it's ONLY Facebook, we aren't talking published works of art on there) that said, you don't truly know what that guy's motives are as you are NOT him.. What you perhaps don't understand is that everyone copes differently, for that guy, while , I , myself rarely drink, I 've known plenty of people who do and when tragedy hits, that is what they do to relieve stress.. maybe , that guy asking your fiance' out is his way of trying to help matters.. Just because someone doesn't fit into a specific box of emotions, doesn't make them wrong as to how they deal with things. and you said yourself, she was a beautiful lady and lived a long life.. maybe, it's her life that should be celebrated and not her death and the friend views it that way, hence wanting to drink..
To go through life making a check list of how everyone should act or not when something tragic (or even happy ) happens, will only cause you heartache..
It is tough to lose a loved one.. no doubt... but every grieves differently and sounds like this is no exception.. I would let it pass. if your fiance' is so bugged by it, let him talk to the guy. He probably knows the guy pretty well and is used to how that guy thinks.. I tend to think women get more worked up over Facebook postings and comments on here than I think men do.. Really, it's great you care for your fiance', but I would let that facebook stuff go.. it really isn't worth your time and energy...

I read it as a guy thing. Guys communicate differently. Maybe the guy meant "lets party!" but maybe he also meant "hey, I'm here, but I'm not going to post *hugs* because that's too girly so you want to drink beer?"

Your fiancee can post back "no, at funeral" or something if he wants to decline and not make huge public comment. I wouldn't let this guy ruin your day.

hard one to answer. i don't honestly think it's all that terrible. men tend to be more direct and less subtle when it comes to these things, and that's all it sounds like to me. 'that sucks, man. sorry. let's do something that feels good.' i myself would not get bent out of shape about it.
i'm not trying to minimize your reaction to it. i'm really sorry it's upsetting you so.
i guess it's hard to give you the response you want when you say your response is based on a personal knowledge of this fellow that of course the rest of us don't have. on the surface, which is all i have to go on, this just seems like a guy treating another guy the way he'd like to be treated- with a sort of rough compassion that doesn't really fit with a more womanly way of handling sensitive issues.
my wholehearted condolences to rob. and prayers that those who are mourning this lovely lady find comfort and peace.
khairete
S.

Eh, everyone behaves differently at the mention of death. In fact, my OWN instinctive reaction is to use humor and try to keep it light. Course, I'm a girl, and a grown up, so I DO manage to think before I react, you know?

You and your guy got a lot goin' on these days, why let the thing get under your skin?

Sorry 'bout Grandma, but if she had any sense of humor whatsoever, SHE certainly wouldn't be pissed off about the comment!

Peace!

:)

Many times other people have not a clue about mourning / grieving until they go through it themselves. They lack empathy. And everyone grieves in their own way.
They just can't relate or they think "Gee she was 92. Did you think she was going to live forever?'. They figure advanced age means you should have expected it and they can't figure why you are shocked by it. They don't know about the hole that is left when some one who has been there almost forever is suddenly gone.
It's the very definition of insensitive but it's more common than you might think.

From a mans perspective, I think his friends response was pretty normal. That's how mens brains work. I would not consider it offensive, and would not be surprised if your grieving hubby took him up on the offer after the service.

I don't think that guy is a jerk. I've seen way worse... from women no less who knew better... so it's not just a man thing. Some people just don't know how to approach the subject and end up fumbling hard, others really are jerks. But, the fact he invited your husband out sounds like his way of trying to reconnect since he's in town for the weekend, and he wanted to recognize your husband's loss too.

And most people I know don't grieve over their grandparents. My husband's grandma died a few months ago and he cried for maybe 5 minutes, then the weekend was the same as usual. My grandma died and while it was sad, I didn't shed a tear. Neither of us attended the funeral service, and with one of them, there wasn't a service at all to attend. We loved our grandparents and were fairly close to them.... but it just isn't the same as when our parents died, or say a sibling or child dies. I'm sure them living very far away had something to do with it.

Perhaps the guy who left that statement isn't very close to his grandparents. He probably isn't thinking about when the funeral is or that your husband is even attending. Try not to be so quick to pass out judgment.

i think you're getting WAY bent out of shape over a very harmless comment from someone that's not you to someone that's not you.

even though you "know" the guy, you don't "know" that his intent was to get your fiance obliterated. maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. i would read that as a very harmless "hey - i'm in town, haven't seen you in a while, let's get together if you're available". how does he know your fiance is travelling to the funeral?

point is, you're overreacting. you clearly don't like your fiance's friend - but i'd take this opportunity to let this time be about your fiance, his loss, and however he needs to grieve and not your obvious disdain of his friend.

take a chill pill - MUCH worse could have been said.

I don't think it was all that bad. Yes, Grandma died. But how on earth was his friend supposed to know exactly when the funeral is? And furthermore, while women sit around and cry and reminisce and remember every fond memory of a passed loved one while flipping through the scrapbook, dabbing tears with tissues, men have a tendency to be, well, more manly about it over a drink or by having fun to cheer him up. Yes, these are all stereotypes and generalizations but I think people (especially men) have a tendency to be clueless when it comes to emotionally handling the topic of death or loss among their friends. They don't cry with each other into their ice cream. They tend to push it aside.

I think you're being a little sensitive. Are you sure that maybe you never really liked this friend in the first place and now his comments are getting stuck in your craw even more?

Guys are different - not much for sentiment, especially in a public forum. Also, some people aren't as close w/their grandparents so maybe it didn't occur to him that your finance was grieving. Even so...insensitive? Yes.

How did your fiance respond? If he didn't make a huge deal out of it, let it be and try not to superimpose your feelings on him while he sorts out his own. Like I said, guys are different.

I think I would withhold judgment and see how your fiance takes the comment. It may just be this guy's personality (which you pointed out that the comment is obviously b/c of his personality NOT to take his mind of his sorrow). I'd assume that this guy is not a deep close friend and that your fiance's and his relationship is not the deep emotionally tied kind. Just drinking buddies maybe? Or used to be drinking buddies from college or something?

Sure it is insensitive... but obviously the guy is from out of town and I'm guessing doesn't get together with his old pal very frequently anymore. He may not know how close your fiance felt to his grandma. Not everyone has that sort of relationship with their elderly family. And he may not see it as a big deal, if is own relationship with his own grandparents was not a big deal to him.
So, I'd not say anything about it to your fiance unless he brings it up first. Let it go. He might not expect anything different from this friend of his. And he might know that this friend is unaware that he was close with his grandma. He might have even made jokes about her to this guy years ago... I doubt it, but he probably also didn't sit around pining to him about how he hadn't been to see her.

I think in any other occassion you and your fiance could have seing this just as this guy is selfish and clueless but because this is in such a painful time for your family it hurts.
Try to don't get it to you, focus all your energy on be there for your fiance.
I am sorry for you fiance lost, his grandmother must have being a very sweat lady, very interesting to talk with and very lucky to have live so long (mine dye too young =0( , I am sure she was happy to see his grandson happy engage to a great family and is giving her blessing.

I totally agree with you. Have a heart, man!!!!

People can be true idiots sometimes. It's very possible that guy's wife is yelling at him right now for being such an @$$hole.

Yes, that's pretty insensitive. Maybe he never really knew his own grandmother and it didn't occur to him that your DH could have been close to his.

Off of first reading it, I probably would have gone the "he's trying to help" route. But if you know the guy, you know what he means.
Some people are selfish no matter what the circumstances.

I personally would tell the dude to....well..ya know...;)
But that's just me. I know I'd be pissed in that situation too.

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. And yes, totally rude. He doesnt sound like the sharpest tool in the shed.

Ah, yes. If we got upset about every rude, insensitive jerk, we'd all have ulcers. Some people just don't get it. Where empathy is concerned, they don't know the meaning of the word unless something is happening to THEM.

Maybe the fellow was three sheets to the wind (having "fun") when he wrote the post.

At any rate, I hope you can let it be his problem and not make it yours. He sounds as if he'll have a lot of problems to deal with down the road - and he might wish for his buddies to empathize with him. Wonder if it will happen.

Def. super rude, but since you guys know him to be this way, it should come as no surprise. Some friends are just friends to have a good time with, and some friends are family. Sounds like his is the former. It is your fiance's right to cool it on the friendship bc of this incident. Some people only think of themselves all of the time.

Totally rude and insensitive. I don't blame you for feeling that way.

That's so wrong on so many levels. Some people are clueless and will always be. Might be in direct proportion to the amt of alcohol HE drinks!

I think he's insensitive and socially inept. If you want to blame someone, blame the people who raised him and the people around him who have not objected to his behavior before. I disagree with blanket statements like "that's how men think" - I think they are permitted to think that way, and I get the feeling from you that it's NOT how your fiance thinks. So you can't paint all men with the same brush. As we know from Mamapedia, you can't paint all women with the same brush either!

I feel great sympathy for your fiance. It's wonderful that his grandmother had such a wonderful life, but it's still sad when people die! I hope he isn't too hard on himself for not going to see her - it's impossible to predict these things, and vibrant older people might die at 90 or 92 or 98. The greatest gift he can give her is to live his life with the values of hers that he appreciates and treasures.

I do think it takes a lot of energy to stay angry, so I hope you will vent your frustrations, which are totally understandable, and then move on. Obviously you cannot change this other man and you know not to depend on him for emotional support for your fiance. Your man is lucky to have you to support him in this. My condolences to all.

mostly what it says about the guy is he has no family and little to no class. But he probably wasn't trying to be a jerk some people just don't get death. I understand you are pissed but you have to understand not everyone is close to their family, My brothers didn't come to my grandmothers funeral, didn't even skip a beat when she died I am not pissed at them they didn't get along why pretend they did? I am really sorry for your loss but you have to understand that some people just are not as lucky as him/you to have a family that he loves.

He sounds socially awkward to say the least.

Of course it was not appropriate, but I bet, he has no clue that he should have PM'd your fiance and offered to take him for a drink..

He instead posted the way their normal conversation would have probably gone down.

Be gracious and just give him a pass this time.

I have not read the other responses but I agree with you. What an idiot!! The only small shred of reasoning I can think off is that maybe he is not close to his own family/grandparents and can't/won't understand you and your fiancées feelings. Regardless, what a BUTTHEAD!!!
Sorry for your loss.

Yes that is very rude.