Marriage Trouble - Gilbert,AZ

I loved the movie "Fireproof" for how it changed my perspective on my marriage and my approach to my husband. Also, a fun but quick watch (20 minutes) is "Validation" on YouTube (a quirky show about free parking).

You set a land mine for him and he stepped on it. He did answer you honestly. Why would he need to apologize? You baited him into answering a question that only had one right answer - the answer you wanted was to be reassured that you aren't that way. Don't ask questions if you don't want to know the answer. Just say what you really need. "Honey - she's so self centered - please reassure me that I'm not as bad as her." You wanted his answers to just be a sacrcastic joke. They weren't. That's really how he feels. His answer over and over was YES you are like your mother. That's not the answer you wanted so you kept asking differant ways and still he didn't back down. So, your feelings were hurt because he answered the trick question that you asked him.

I know this is just an example and not what you are asking about. I am just using your own example to illustrate the dyunamic in your relationship that isn't working. Communication is breaking down between you two.

Dealing with issues in your past will help you to understand and take responsibility for the patterns in your life. Have you had similar communication issues in the past? If so, it's time to take a hard look at yourself and what needs to be worked on if you are ever going to have a good relationship.

My husband hates questions like that. It's kind of like asking someone "do you still love me?" I mean, you already knew the answer to your question, you are a little like your mom. Men don't like to go into such detail about things - yes you are like your mom, but I still love you. I would honestly let it go, he sounds like a normal insensitive bloke.

Mom:

Unfortunately, you DO need to talk about your past. It is the past that has shaped us and made us who we are. If we don't learn from the past - we are doomed to repeat it.

It really sounds like you two need to learn how to effectively communicate with each other. A counselor will help you both get your stuff together and learn to communicate...that's a hard thing to do...communicating! Really!!

Stop starting sentences with YOU MADE ME. YOU DID THIS...start with I AM FEELING. I AM UPSET. Be calm. Don't yell. If either one of you starts yelling them say - whoa! brakes on - nothing will be accomplished with our yelling at each other. I'm gonna go walk around the block to clear my head or whatever it is you need to do to clear your head.

Do not allow him or anyone else to call you stupid or to state that your questions or opinions are stupid. They are not.

Please go back to the therapist. Learn from your past. You might get an AH-HA moment and realize how to fix the present!!

I’ve been separated and soon to be divorce for about a year an half… My advise will be, just take breath and think before you start an argument for small things… for example “the mom” thing… is really not a reason to have a big argument, think about it! You spend you energy, your time and the only one affected is you… maybe that’s driving him away, men don’t like to talk about this things so they would just say what ever comes to their mind to end the conversation… I was like that when I was marry, I would argue about every little thing, and looking back now I regret been like that, I was just putting bad energy on me, and at the end just drove him away… I mean there where other issues as well but what I am try to say is… try not to get bother for small things, maybe you guys need to revive your relationship… go on a date, just have fun! Seriously… life is short! Enjoy and appreciate what you have now… you and only you are in charge of your own happiness! Don’t put your happiness in someone else’s hands… it is all up to you!

Did you really want to know 'I am like my mom but do you still love me inspite of it'? Then ask that and not the question game men hate. It's like 'do you think I'm fat' or 'do you think I'm' anything. They hate it. If they thought you were your mom, fat, ugly whatever they wouldn't love you like they do and wouldn't have picked you to marry. I hope you can find some counseling to help with communication. Men and women communicate differently and maybe he needs to understand that at the same time you do. Don't quit though. Stick it out and work on things together.

You set him up. No way was he going to get out of this one. You do need to talk about your past just by what you wrote about you Mom says you have issues from the past that are interferring with your present and future. I would suggest marriage counseling.

The point of therapy IS to rehash your past, as you put it. Working on current problems means that you must first look at how you arrived here. If you're not willing to do that then I don't see how you can understand who you are, what makes you tick, what makes you happy, sad, satisfied, etc.

Please try therapy again. It's a wonderful way to sort through your problems and will help you discover if you have certain patterns (hence the questions re ex boyfriends) that make it difficult to communicate with your husband. It can be scary to hold up a mirror to ourselves but it is SO worth it in the end.

Your very last sentence "How do I get him to see what he is doing to us?" Please make sure all the cards in your deck are in order before blaming someone.
Pick your battles wisely. I hope the two of you find peace.

Hi,

I haven't read the responses before mine, so bear with me if I repeat. I wanted my answers to be my own.

1. Our pasts have very much to do with our decisions in our present. If we are unaware of how we are affected by our past, we aren't making our current decisions with the full knowledge of ourselves, so we are more likely to have a difficult time spotting our own faults or forgiving the faults of others. Therapy is good, and knowing what makes you tick is good.

2. I could be way off here, but I don't think you wanted your husband to tell you whether or not you were like your mother so much as you wanted him to tell you that you were nothing like your mother. She hurt you and you needed the reinforcement from him that you don't hurt others. That's what you should have said. I tell my husband, "Mark if you ever see me acting like that, hit me with a brick." You should have said, "If you ever see me do that, tell me, because I'll love you for it."

3. Because your mom was so self absorbed it could be that you need a lot more positive reinforcement. You need to feel validated in a big way. I did for a long time because of a previous marriage that was lifetime movie of the week material. I exhausted my husband. And when we argued it hurt me so much more deeply because it *again* made me feel invaluable to him. While he was arguing about what he did or what I did, I was arguing about who I was to him. The only problem was that he didn't know that.

4. If you have specific needs from your husband or there is a specific thing you need to hear from him or him to do, you need to tell him straight out what they are. He isn't going to figure it out, because he's not a woman and he's not you with your experiences. It's like giving him a pop quiz everyday when you don't and he's going to resent that.

If you want him to see what he is doing to the marriage, you need to be willing to be open to what he feels you are doing to it. Before you state your case you need to listen to his. It will open up communication and he will be more inclined to hear you because he is being heard. If this doesn't work, go back to therapy and see if he will go with you.

I think your husband responded to a ridiculous question with a ridiculous answer. It sounds like you are looking for a fight when you get so upset over what seems minor and silly. I went to a marriage seminar called love and respect. The basic concept is that women want to feel love and men want to feel respected. It also says that when it comes to finding fault in your relationship that you should look to yourself first. It's not saying that what your husband is doing is wrong, but is there something you are doing that can be worked on as well? Based on the tone of your question, it sounds like you are putting all the blame on your husband. I think if you want him to get to see what he is doing, you need to also look in a mirror and see what you are doing.

Start with what you can control, what you bring into the relationship. Past drives the present, your therapist was right.

Stop asking questions that you have a specific answer in mind for. Next time tell him what he is supposed to say, men are very obedient like that.

Hey There! First of all my heart goes out to you. Hardships in marriage are so heartbreaking. Good for you that you do not want to give up. How about shop around for a couples therapist. I would interview the person on the phone to make sure they are a good fit. Ask questions about their treatment approach, how much time do they spend on the past....things like that. Also, I would start trying to connect in general as a couple. Do you have a shared faith? If so, build on that. Power of the Praying Wife is a really good book. Blessing to you and your family!

What you did was kind of like asking "Do these pants make me look fat?"
The truth? No, it's your fat that makes you look fat.
He tried to answer you by giving you the same answer over and over....
No matter what the guys says...he's gonna lose.

You already said "I know I am not to the extent she is..." So why did you ask?
Try:
To trust yourself and your own opinions.
To stop micromanaging.
to stop basing whether he does or does not LOVE you on the answer to a baited question--a small issue--a blip on the radar of life.

Can you get over it? Take the absence of an apology out of the equation--can you get past it? Is it worth having this small thing rock the foundation of your marriage?

Check out the blog "What Women Never Hear" at http://wwnh.wordpress.com. Lots of great ideas for women to help revitalize their marriage, by letting them get the inside scoop on a man's way of thinking (or not as the case may be).