Marriage Problems - Plano,TX

Put a big red T on the calendar every time he gets like that. Eventually he will see the pattern and he will start to correct it. (I'd explain to him what you are going to do in a calm moment...) He needs to see it - in red and white...
YMMV
LBC

I just want to respond to the career part. My mom was a stay at home mom for as long as any of her 4 kids was at home. She worked part time in the school library or school office, just to get discounts on private school tuition so my parents could give us all a great education. Now that we're grown, she works at a bank to help save for retirement until my dad is ready and they can retire together.

I was high school valedictorian, a National Merit scholar, and own my own business. My other siblings are also in successful careers. But NONE of us has anything but respect for our mom. She put us first, ahead of her career ambitions, and we always felt that love growing up. I don't look down on her at all for not having a powerful career. I know she could have if she had chosen to, but it speaks to her strength of character that she chose to put her family first. And that makes her a very powerful woman in my eyes.

I'm not saying that no mothers should work for pay (heck, I own a business!). But I am saying that children's respect for their parents has very little to do with how much money they make or how respected they are in their career, and everything to do with how much their parents loved them enough to give them a good childhood and prepare them to live as healthy, independent adults.

If you feel called to a particular career field, you can do both, you can have a career and a family. But if you only feel that you need a career so your daughter can respect you, then really what this is about is your need to respect yourself, and that goes deeper than a career.

I'm sorry you are facing this. My husband seems to have some of the same behaviors as your husband, not in the physical manner that you mention, but regarding the arguments and attitude. I went to counseling by myself as he refused to (doesn't believe in it and I feel he thought the counselor was going to blame him for the problems in our marriage). She taught me different ways to respond to him when he acted irrationally/dramatic, how to follow up with him on things that happened between us, how to communicate better and in a less confrontational way about my needs. Our marriage is a work in progress, but I'm seeing improvements. If you can find a way to get to counseling, I really think you can benefit from it. Check with local churches and universities (psych department) for free or low cost counseling options.

As far as the meds, has he mentioned the effects of the meds to his doctor? Perhaps there is something else he can take.

Regarding being a strong, successful woman...there are many ways to achieve that. I believe it has more to do with self-worth and the types of relationships we build and less to do with employment or economic status. I'm not trying to talk you out of going to school, because I think education on any level is important. But I got the feeling that maybe the timing isn't right. Is a degree something you are truly interested in pursuing at this time or have you pressured yourself into doing it to make an impression upon your daughter? Teaching your daughter to be true to herself, showing her unconditional love and acceptance, instilling respect for others, teaching her responsibility, showing her how to plan for goals and showing her how to handle dissapointments will give her a good foundation to be a strong, successful person. You can accomplish that without a degree. A SAHM can be someone to look up to. Don't sell yourself short where this issue is concerned. Just something to think about. Best wishes to you.

When I first married my hubby got very angry often... he would toss whatever he could (chairs, dishes, plants, nick-nacks, ect.) across the room. And yes, when he was angry it seemed like he could pick-up a Mac Truck... but he has never laid a hand on me & I know he never will. It took a few years for him to "break" this habit... it did take a lot of time to adjust to married life along w/ being parents. We were married less then 2 days before our daughter was born (not by our choose, but I was 17 & needed parent's concent).

Once we started getting adjusted to all the changes & responsiblities - he did start to change. I was also better at getting him to see what his actions were doing to us... but I would wait to talk to him about it when he was calm. I did walk away a few times... which scard him - he didn't want me to leave him and when I walked away he didn't know if I was coming back.

I'm not saying that we don't argue from time to time or that we don't yell at eachother now & then... we still do, but there isn't any chairs flying across the room & the dishes manage to stay where they should now. We don't have any holes in the wall (well atleast not from him, now we have a son that like to pick at them) and no doors have been damaged in years. After 15 1/2 years - I'm glad that I didn't just give up and walk away... eventhough I did think about it.

Counseling my have helped us with "fixing" the issue faster, but we didn't know where to go & really didn't have the funds to spare for it. So, we just worked our way through.

As for being a strong woman in your daughters eye - why do you think you aren't?? I have a 6 yr old girl - eventhough I'm laid-off, can't find a job even w/ my education & expericance, living off unemployment (and have been for a year), and "over" weight... my daughter loves me for all I am & am not. She doesn't see me as weak in any way!!! We actually talked the other day - she is happy momma is home & not working... she didn't like momma working cause I couldn't be with her & the boys. She likes me being there for them all the time & being able to sit & read in the middle of the day, mom being at school to support her when other moms can't be, knowing that mom will be there to watch her walk into the school in the morning & be standing or sitting on the benches outside the school when she walks out, and that I am hear to give her a hug & kiss everytime she needs or wants one. Yes, I would love to give my kids everything they want in life, but I'm giving them everything they need. Yes, we struggle to make ends meat and pay the bills, but we are doing it together.

I have never looked at my mom as not being strong... she was a sahm most of my life. The things I wish my mom would have done for me was the things my daughter love the most about me... that I am at the school to drop her off, pick her up & she has an event, that I sit down & do her homework with her, that we read together almost everyday, that we go to parks & walk as a family, and that I'm always her to give her a hug & kiss. I don't remember the things I had as a kid... but I do remember feeling lost & unloved. If nothing else I don't want my kids to feel that way and I will do everything in my power to make sure they don't feel it... which in the end they will see me for the strong woman I am for being there for them.

I'm not saying schooling isn't something special - cause it is. I'm not saying give up dreams - cause your dreams are important. Just understand that they will be harder to reach - which means if you reach them it just shows your strength!

I wish you luck... I just really wanted you to know that men can change, sometimes it takes longer then we hope it will. But also, your daugher will see your strengths... don't be afraid she won't.

i have one of those immature, unfairly fighting husbands too. i would highly recommend counseling. we are going through catholic charities, well long story short i have spent hours on the phone with about five different people, and have a list of people now who do it at discounted cost. another option is going through your church. ours has people willing to talk to couples. we are looking into both of these options.

if it helps, walk away. tell him you will talk to him when he can act like an adult and not scream and throw a tantrum. if he follows you, just look at him and don't say a word. it drives my husband nuts. i figure eventually either he will hit me (which will at least make my course clear) or he will shut up and calm down. that sounds awful to say. my husband has never been physical with me, ever. but the anger and grownup temper tantrums are just unacceptable. we are trying to deal with it too. we have had "truces" where we agree not to complain. that helps. but i would recommend counselling...we are trying to get it too. good luck. (i don't think you're trying to change him, any more than i am trying to change my husband...i just think we marry a man expecting that eventually he will change a little, at least grow up a bit...and then they don't.)

Have either of you talked with his doctor about the effect of his medicine? That would be a good place to start.

I also think that both of you could benefit from an anger management class. Those are often offered thru the county and are inexpensive.

Do you have health insurance? Often that will pay some for counseling. Does he have a resource thru his employment for counseling. Larger companies offer that now.

Have you tried not responding to his anger and not trying to teach him anything? Leave the room or the house when you know a fight is about to start. This is not easy to do but it's possible to teach yourself to do that.

I wonder if you really want to stay in this marriage. I know it's a dysfunctional one, from your description and it is abusive for you and your daughter to be with him. Planning to move at on your own is one way of modeling a successful powerful woman to your daughter. You can start by going to a woman's support group for women in abusive relationships. If you decide to move out you can get financial assistance from the state. If I were you I'd look into how to live on your own.

If you have supportive family it might be a good idea to move back to where they live.

You can get both individual and marriage counseling from the County Health Department. They charge on a sliding scale There is probably a waiting period and so I'd call raw and get on the list. You can cancel it if you decide to move.

I do not agree that it is a communication issue. It is an emotional issue to include anger. It also sounds like your husband is emotionally immature. You cannot even begin to work on communication until you've both learned how to manage your anger and he sees a need to grow up

If you want to stay in the marriage and continue living with him, I urge you to get out and make friends. If you have other interests, it will be easier for you to not respond to his actions that cause you to react in anger. Now you're nearly totally dependent on him which makes getting him to understand more important. If you have some place to go when he's out of control then you won't feel so desperate

Don't let being in mid fight stop you from a date night. Walk out the door. If he follows, fine. If he doesn't you find something to do. Go for a walk, take in a movie, window shop. But get out of there so that you aren't fighting. It takes 2 to fight.

You absolutely need to find a way to not let him push your buttons. For me, walking away is usually the best thing I can do.

And, I strongly urge you to get started in counseling. Go without him if necessary. Some churches have counseling centers who charge on a sliding scale. So does County Mental Health as well as some private practitioners. Look up some numbers and start calling.

I doubt that you can be a strong successful woman if this relationship continues as it is now. As you said, you get worn down by the arguments. Picture yourself as strong and successful. So strong that you aren't going to allow him to bring you down. Remind yourself over and over that you are strong. It's called positive affirmations and they do work in changing our own attitude and beliefs. I wish you well

Kim:
If you love your husband and think it is worth the work then go to counseling. Choose to NOT fight with him. It takes two people to fight. He cannot fight with himself. If he insists on fighting then tell him that you all need to table it until you are both calm He is not a child - he is your partner. I totally understand that it can be frustrating but when you lash out then the cycle continues and you are acting like him. We have done the counseling route. It is so worth it. You cannot change him but you both can learn some tools to cope with each others personalities. You may learn some things about him that you didn't know. Your daughter deserves a peaceful home. Counseling is MUCH cheaper than going through a divorce.
Date your husband or use the date night swap time as a time to have the hard discussions but whatever you decide to do with the time take it. You need a break and you both have to get to a place where you get to know each other again. This is for your daughter as well she wants a happy family too.
You are a strong woman and you are

Dear K.:

I'm sorry to read about your troubles. One thing I've finally learned about interactions with other people and happiness is you frequently can't change the other person or situation, you can only change your attitude about the other person or situation. Is there a way to react less to the disagreements or decide that some issues are his problems and you refuse to become involved in them?

You have to sort through all of that to decide if you can even change your attitude or if it's too much and you need to leave. It's that old Ann Lander's question, Are you better off with or without him?

I would also throw in that regardless of the cost, finding a counselor would be beneficial. If your husband won't go, go alone. A counselor can really help sort through the issues to help you make a decision.

Good luck.

L. F., mom of a 14-year-old, married for 23 years

Hi,
I go to a great church that offers free marriage counceling on I think Thursday evenings, and they offer child care (also free). From what I understand it is a wonderful program. The church is called Watermark and is near 75 and 635. The website is watermark.org and the program is called reengage. You don't have to be a member to go. I hope that helps. Good luck to you and your family, I hope you can figure it out:)
A.

Look into a wonderful process called Non-Violent Communication. Google it for lots of links that will give you the basics, plus examples, books, videos, classes…. My husband and I have both learned this approach and it works in all sorts of uncomfortable relationships. It can be effective even if used by only one person.

I also have narcolepsy. I can understand where is coming from with his anger to a point. I know that when I get tired my patience can go out the door. Trying to communicate with my husband can be almost impossible because it ends in an argument because I struggle with finding the right words. However, I do not act like I am 4. I would have him talk to his sleep doctor about a change in meds. I was on some that made me have the worst mood swings. There are plenty of meds that he can take that may help with that. Maybe things can get a little easier if the meds were changed.