Marriage Issues - Saint Paul,MN

My husband went through the emotional affair and asked for a divorce 7 years ago. After the shock wore off I told him that his friends would die to have what he has and he can have is Damn divorce. He thought things over and we ended up working it out. But he was required to detach from the 3rd party. And we went through a year of counselling. It's hard to break off a long relationship, but you can't let him have his cake and eat it too. He has to leave the 3rd party behind. And you need to seperate the money right away.

Good Luck!

Shelly,
I feel for you and am so sorry to hear about your situation. As much as I'd like to tell you to work on your marriage -- I know it's impossible to "save" a relationship by yourself and it doesn't sound like your husband is willing to work or sacrifice his "social life". It sort of sounds like he didn't really understand what being a PARENT really meant in terms of the changes he would have to make (and hopefully want to make) to his life...I've seen it happen before. In my own situation, it took my dh about 1 1/2 years into our son's life before he was ready, and indeed willing to make changes -- more time, energy, effort, etc. for his son (and wife!) and less for him. A move from selfish to selfless behavior. It took him a while and I think it probably never would have happened if he had been younger (we are older parents).

Anyway, this isn't about me -- it's about you. I agree with another poster in that it is time to contact an attorney -- in order to protect yourself. The attorney and your counselor should both help you get through this. Maybe in the course of things he will realize the mistake he is making and how selfish he is being and start to change his life and attitude so that you may stop divorce proceedings and work on your marriage together...and maybe he wont. Either way, you need to protect yourself and your child.

Good luck, girlfriend. You'll get through this. Stay strong for you and your child.

Sincerly,
A.

I am sorry your are going through such a rough time. It sounds like your husband has already committed to moving on. You should tell him that you cannot live in limbo! He either needs to commit to reconciling and dump the third party, or you are moving on.
However, seeing this third party should have no consequence on whether or not he is able to spend time with his son. You do however, have the right to dictate when he will spend time. If the two of you commit to moving on you should file for divorce and ask for child support arrangements and possibly alimony depending on your situation. This way you will be able to separate your finances and create a visitation plan for your husband and son.
This is tough work and it wont be easy but you need to separate your feelings toward him from the visitation issue, if he is moving on so should you, but respect yourself enough to lay down some boundries so you can start making a life for yourself and your son.
I wish you the best, and remember, sometimes when God closes a door he opens a window. You and your son will be just fine!!

Hi Shelley,
I am truly sorry to hear that you are in this situation, that has to be really tough. I am not a counselor or any such thing, but I really felt that I should respond to your request. I just started reading a book called 'Heirs together'. It is about Solving the Mystery of a satisfyig marriage. I have just read the 1st chapter of it and it has already opened my eyes so much on why our marriage isn't as prosperous as it could be. I am not saying that this book can solve all of your marriage problems, no that will take effort and guidence. I'm not positive on where this book is. We ordered this book through www.lwcc.org the book is by Mac Hammond, it was free at the time(but it is definetly worth buying). There is another great book that isn't spacifically towards marriage, but it has a lot of wisdom in it that can help in a marriage. It is called 'God's Plan for You' by Keith A. Butler. This book is so good, there is a part where it talks about woman in God's eyes and what he created her for, it is beautiful. If I had the time I would type it all right now.

I will be praying for you and your family. Have hope and don't give up. Stay loyal, I know that you are hurting right now, but it is not over. I have heard some great testamonies about people that were on the verge of a divorce and stayed loyal and didn't give up on the man, even though he did not seem to care about her. One specifically comes to mind, they ended up getting back together and having a great marriage. So try not to listen to the answer's that are "me" centered. It is in women to want to give and serve, but we are also very delicate. If your husband doesn't see that now, he will, but God does and He is always there with open arms.
God bless you!
C.
God bless you and have a blessed day.

Do you have a church you are connected with? A church is a good place to start. They can provide the support and direction you are looking for. If you don't have a good church I have a recommendation. Have you heard of Eagle Brook? It is located in Lino Lakes. If this is not a good location for you there is also Grace Church in Eden Prairie or I could give you a whole bunch of other good recommendations. Many times these churches have support groups as well as mentors and they will pray for your situation.
I vote for trying to work it out without a divorce. Divorce is so damaging to the kids. I know there are a lot of divorce families out there and in some cases I'm sure it is the only option but if there is any chance to save the family I would try to do that. Good luck.

I think you need to look at the situations separately. Whether you stay married can be connected to the 3rd party but I don't think that him having contact with your son should be impacted by that.

If he is unwilling to end the contact with this person then you are better off without him. But if he is willing (and it sounds like he is) to still be a father to your son then he should have that opportunity.

I can't imagine how hard this is on you. Good luck and stay strong!

You need to talk to an attorney. There are legal ramifications to decisions you may make now. Most attorneys will charge a nominal fee for a consultation and then you can decide how you want to proceed. But since finances are connected, you need to take steps to protect yourself. There are so many sad stories of one spouse cleaning out the savings account without the other one knowing about it.

But aside from the legal warning, you deserve much better than how you are being treated. You need to ask yourself, when your sons grow up and start getting involved in serious relationships, do you want them to treat their future girlfriends/wives the way you are being treated? I would imagine your answer is "no." They are seeing how you are being treated and learning from it, even if you aren't aware.

You can't make your husband change if he isn't willing to try.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry Shelley. Ugh. Regardless of what happens in your marriage, and especially if you remain in it, you need to have your own accounts, savings and retirement goals. Please look into this book: http://www.saveyourself.com/

I would be prepared for him to refuse to cut the 3rd party off, it sounds like he is not comfortable risking winding up alone, meaning if you guys try to work it out and fail, and she's gone too, then what? I'm sorry to say that, but it sounds awfully familiar and awfully unfair.

Sorry you're going through this Shelley.

Don't wait around for him. I'd consider your relationship completely over and start fresh again. Even if it's not completely over go about life as if it is. Seperate finances, set up a father/son visitation schedule and concentrate on your needs.

I think you need to take care of yourself and your son. Please consider that his relationship is not just emotional and do not take anything for granted. It can be very hard to ever trust him again. Get help from other mom's that have been through this and get yourself some legal advice. I know the thought of raising your son in two different homes may be hard to think about, but you need to be true to yourself. Are your need being met? What about your son's needs? You take a stand and demand him to be committed to spending quality time and scheduled time with your son. It is very important for boys to have their father's involvement!

Dont be a doormat!!! I have done it and it does nothing good for either of you...if he is emotionaly gone its only a matter of time before he's physically gone. It sucks to say but it happend to me and now I always hurt and think about it. Your son needs you to be strong. Its not in any way right that men think that a "seperation" means they have a 2nd life! Wow your story is just like mine was... I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. If he wont end things with the other person even if it is just emotionally I would say goodbye. It may hurt for a while but in the end it will be the best thing for you.

Im sorry

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. My advice to you is to consult an attorney just to be sure you know what your rights and his rights are in this situation. This way you will have the information you need and make sure your kids are taken care of. Take care.

Shelley,

That's a tough situation to be in. My opinion is that it is obvious that your husband is out of your relationship, although sounds like he doesn't want to say it's completely over. If like you are saying his affair is JUST emotional, which sounds like it's nothing then he should have no problem terminating it. However, personally I think that emotional affairs are even more dangerous than sex affairs, like what does that mean "emotional", is he in love with someone else? And in that case I would find it hard to belive that it is not also physical. Does your husband stay physically close with you? From what you said it sounds like your husband doesn't want to be close with you, physically or emotionally, I mean he moved out, right? The only reason why he is probably still saying that working on the relationship is still an option for him is because of the baby, I think.
All I want to say is that don't give him any leniency, he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. You are absolutely right, he doesn't get to have two parallel lives.
Even if you ask him to end contact with that third partly, I find it really really hard to believe that he would do that completely, I mean would you yourself be able to just cut contact completely with somebody you are in love with, or emotionally attached to (like your husband)? Your husband didn't have a problem moving out, so I guess he is fine with not having contact with you; is he still seeing that thirt party? Don't be a push-over, don't just let him have his way, I know it might mean that you will be alone, but you do deserve some respect, and actually you deserve a lot of respect.
I would suggest for you to go ahead and start looking at the options for yourself and your son in case if you get a divorce, like your finances and child support for your boy, and visitation hours. Now that he moved out he basically left you in charge of your and your son's life. Also please consult a lawyer. Right not it might not seem like it's a big deal, but don't wait until he said he decided the you two are done, cause then his first priority would be to get his financial independence back and then HE would go to the lawyer first.

Be strong and good luck to you

This is a hard one. I guess I would start by getting rid of that 3rd contact since that is the "problem". You won't know for sure if he does or doesn't though. Once that's out of the way split finances and see what happens. How long do you want to wait for him? I'm not sure if it would be appropriate to put a time frame on it since people figure things out at different rates but it's up to you. If he continues with the 3rd contact then I'm not sure if you want to put a time frame on how much time he can still have with the 3rd party. Lets say, if after a certain time he stays with the 3rd contact I would suggest divorce or waiting it out until the novelty wears off on that 3rd contact and he comes back to you. You're son should not be with his father if he is with her during those visits. You sure do have a lot on your plate and I'm sure it's a stressful time. You seem to be on the right track with how you are thinking though.

You are absolutely correct that you should get the finances separated and you need to know what is going on in that department. I assume that you are calling yourselves separated but it is not a legal separation yet. I would seek the advice of an attorney at this point just to make sure you are protected while you try to work things out.

He doesn't sound very committed to working on things right now and I can see why you are frustrated by his behavior. I see myself 15 years ago in his actions. I went through the motions of counseling but I was not committed to it in my heart so of course it didn't help at all.

But you have no direct control over his actions and it won't help to harp on him about it. You would be better served by deciding whether you want the status quo, a legal separation, or a divorce. Decide what is best for you and your kids then proceed with it. Hugs to you, this is tough I'm sure.

Good for you. Way to be strong for you and your son. I think he needs to end this third party thing right away if he wants you to work.My husband and I went through an emotional affair too it is so hard. He ended it right away and we are still in counseling.I wish you all the luck. I am sorry. Stay tough!!!