I have a few questions and would love some input from others to see your opinion. If a man get on a web site and it's a site to so called find a friend but it asks you to fill out information like about sex if you like one on one etc you get the picture, do you feel this iste wants you to find a friend or playmate?
If say your husband says he though he had to fill out that ifo so he could just view videos and you went on same sight and found that not to be true do you think he's stupid or do you think he thinks you are? If after you talked and he said he wouldn't do this again and deleted his account then you find in his computer history he's been watching videos on another sight and lies to you then comes clean do you forgive or consider leaving?
I feel like I can't trust him now and worry he's on some sight other then I an find and could be meeting women, I told him out relationship is on shakey ground now, I don't wan tot be with him ow. I am at ths point going to have him come home early from his job on Saturdays and he's going to stay with the kids until he goes to wrok on his regular work week tues-sat evening exept sat but he always works late I said no more you watch your kids and I am going to be gone ea time you're off and get away. He's said if I'm gone we can't work on things I said figure it out, I've always had to now start from scratch and ask me for a date, you get the sitter you've let us go far to long, you're on notice you're losing me.
I feel depressed, I don't know if he's had an affair or sex thing or what . He says he hasn't but he's lied about the webcams why not that?
I told him I don't think he wants me anymore sex 2 times in 8 months what is that? When I first found out 1 month ago I tried to change things it's him that hasn't I'm tried of the I don't feel good my arthritist hurts cry, cry, cry when it's sex with me. I told him he's not the best and if he wanted something to change he should have talked to me and in fairness gave me a chance. He's the one for 6 yrs with a 24 hr on call work schedule. I gave up but now he's not working 24/7 on call for 8 months now. I don't know if it's even worth saving.
Just to let all know we've been together 11 yrs, we've been through and I've stood by been supportive in drug rehab, job loss and homelessness 2 twice with this man and always gave him the chance. I came across the computer info by accident at first he forgot to sign out I was never checking up on him it was left on my computer. I clicked on to do some pta work and surprise his name wanna have fun was his login and it was logged in, I was shocked...I was never checking on anything. Then after that just recently i was using his computer and forgot a site want into the history to click on it and bag..it was there plain as day all the sites he's been viewing. Yes, i looked if he didn't want me to then he should have deleted them erased his history plus he shouldn't be looking at those sites on a company laptop anyway. it's a great way for him to loose his job which feeds our children ...period. I don't have trust issues, i gave his trust and always have it's been a down fall actually i should trust less and my dead parents had always said "people earn trust stop giving it with them making an effort to earn it". He also knew my last husband ran off with a women he met on line 15 yrs ago, I asked him never to do the same thing to me nor get involved on online stuff like that when we got involved 12 yrs ago, he said he never would. You'd think he'd at least respect me that much...opportunity is out there it what you do with it that matters. I have never cheated on him in any manner, drugs, men, drinking, gambling, I have never made us homeless I have always been there for him to count on he needs to do the right thing, when someone does you right you need to return the favor. He needs to makes the changes I cannot do it for him just like drugs he had to make the choice, life is a choice and i can't do it for him. However, I have a choice and I wanted some opinions since I am feeling a bit weak and unsure about things. sometimes someone looking in and not involved can give great insight...i am looking for yours.
Well, I thank you all for your input and i really mean it. it's hard when you are wearing the shoes, it helps to receive opinions from those who are not or have been in those shoes them selves at one time.
He and I still have to talk and work out somethings i have been trying to move forward but somethings are just different now in my head. I'm not sure yet exactly how to handle this but I have done some research about the websites he'd wen to and have learned alot. In fact this was a shock to me there are websites for married men and women to meet each other keep their marriage and have something on the side. i know this isn't knew just being able to do it at your finger tips is that's all that's new per se.
I had even got on the websites and talked to the men about meeting me what they were looking for. Surprise many just wanted someone to not tell them they are too tired to make love to them..not surprised. Also they wanted someone to be excited to hear their voice and see them. They didn't defend themselves knowing it's basically wrong but needed something that their wives they say aren't giving. I asked a man then what about him did he feel he was giving it his all to get her to do the same..he said no I gave up. However many aren't willing to let go of the homes and or business's they have and divorce. Sorry ladies I found it interesting and i IM's some of the ladies on the site as well they said them same some where single they just wanted to meet a man that would go home to someone else did want to take care of a man full time, so all in all some of them used the man like he was using her. They all know what they are getting into. Now for my husband, I told him he should have talked to me first that's how a relationship works. he was watching webcam and on some websites for married men to meet women, he had a friend that told him about it. I told him great glad he shared he even got a girlfriend himself i said great hope I don't see his wife ever i'll tell her and he's knows I will. I told my husband no one can be that great of an influence you typed the words and went on mine more then once so lets not blame our friend. He has told me his friend did it then told me he did, then told me nothing about he was doing this in december i just found that out on my own recently. So I have a liar on my hands, I don't know if this can be fixed or worked on or worked out. I'm not willing to spend much more money on him with issues that can be prevented.
I have now told him I went on these sites have Im'd folks got some truth well really they told me more truth then he has lately. So maybe he should worry i might find someone I like that's single and leave him for them....of course he's not worried and I don't know that I'd do that but I'd like him to worry once feel what I have felt. so here it is I'm not sure yet what to do but in the next few weeks I will have a plan and put it into action.
I dont have really muh for suggestions.The one thing I do know from experience is relationships are very hard without trust.I hope whatever you decide to do everything works out.
I read all of the "helpful" info you got and not much of it sounded helpful to me if I imagined being you.So,here I am.
Take a deep breath,stand back and call yourself worthy.You're a mother,a woman and a human being deserving to be appreciated.
Next,take a long thoughtful hard look A. what is happening with your partner.Is it because you both have other issues and it is leading to more deeper issues?
Now,seek therapy immediately,no one can see clearly in the middle of battle,and that is what you are about to encounter,emotional wounding and mental war.
Find someone who is capable to steer you both through it without an opinion for either person.
Good luck and be well lady.
its defianlty worth FIGHTING for your marriage. are you involved in a church? its always nice to get to talk to someone that has some professional advice on the matter. there is a movie out called Fireproof that would be great if you and your husband could watch it together. there are some cheesy parts but it is a relly good movie with an excellent message. and you can buy the couples kit from the movie as well.
http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/
I hope and pray it works out for you~
Dear B.F.,
My name is J.. I am so sorry that u are experiencing this problem with your husband. First of all, the trust is going to always be the first problem. Have u comfronted him about it or are u angry with him about it, then try to get it out of him so that your marriage can thrive. With lack of communication can damage irreparably your marriage.
These websites are POISON to anybody. Try and ask God for further advise and comfort and I will be here for you too B.F. And let me know when you get this message. Yours in Christ, J.
I agree with Lisa A's answer, you need to seek a qualified counselor. I would suggest a couples counselor and seek one for yourself. It seems like both of you need to open up lines of communication. From your description there seems to be a lot of actions happening without a lot of discussions or opportunities to listen to one another. Even if your marriage does not work out, you seems to have a lot of trust and other emotional issues that need to be dealt with so future relationships of all varieties do not suffer. Good luck.
I agree with Lisa A. Take a deep breath, and exhale. Love is a decision, and you have to decide what the next step is. I think trust is of paramount importance in a marriage, and I am sorry you don't feel that you can trust your husband. It also sounds like there has been distance in your relationship for quite some time. Seek an unbiased third party in the form of a counselor who will help you sort through your feelings. Then, when or if you feel ready, you can involve your husband in the sessions to re-open the lines of communication. (It would also be great if your husband would see a counselor individually, too.) Even if you don't stay in your marriage, addressing these feelings will help you to feel more whole again. This will be key, since this man will always be in your life as the father of your children. I know you are frustrated, but it is important that you never be negative about/to your husband while the children are present. It will hurt them more than you can imagine, and it really won't make you feel better either. You have already taken the step to ask for advice from us, now take one more step and seek the advice of a professional who can learn the whole story and help you reach the decision that is right for you and your family.
You can handle this. It is time to take care of yourself the way you take care of everyone else.
Hi BF, Sorry you have encountered this. It sounds pretty painful. It seems as if your feelings are in line with how I feel. I don't think you are reading in to things and you know what direction you need to go. Seems he has other agenda's which are not dealing with your needs.
I hope you have a good plan in place, best of luck.
First i say sorry you have been hurt by his actions second YOU must think is your marriage worth the effort. Only you can decide that. Does it sound like hes being or been shady YES it does to me but you are in the day to day so the choice must be yours and i hope you can make one without too much pain in your heart. Good luck. and bless you.
It depends on if you think it is worth saving, for you and for your children. I come from a broken home and luckily I still have a healthy view on relationships, however that is not the case for all children whose parents are divorced.
For a successful marriage you need an openly honest relationship where both people are willing participants. You definitely need absolute trust in each other. You can't change someone no matter what. If this is who he is then you must ask yourself if he is the man you want to be with forever. The simple fact that you doubt your trust in him is a HUGE indicator of problems. There's a thing called woman's intuition or whatever and your gut instincts are rarely wrong. You're posting your problems on here rather than talking your way through this with the man who is supposed to be the love of your life, your best friend, most intimate soul mate. Whatever faults he has, he must be a willing participant in your relationship for it to be a success. If he isn't putting forth the effort to be with you or treat you the way you deserve, then he isn't worth your time. If however, he values you and strives to please your needs, accepts your limitations and wants to work with you to get through these problems together, then he is worth keeping.
I'm speaking from experience. I was in a 20 year relationship. My gut told me he wasn't faithful, he was verbally abusive, disrespectful and yet I stayed with him. I kept telling myself it was for the kids, but the truth of it is that I was insecure and he's the 1 who was trying to keep me that way. Had I left within the first year or 2, my children would have been way better off and able to adjust easier to all this. They felt like the rug had been pulled from under them and lashed out in their frustration. It was rough going, but well worth it. I don't want my girls to ever take what I took from any man and I know they won't. Kids are so resilient. They are very in charge of who they are and where they're heading. Here we are 2 years later, happier, healthier and more secure with myself and engaged to the man of my dreams. In my wildest dreams, I never thought it could be this way for me.
Go with your instincts, be brave and grab hold of the life that you want and deserve. If it's with him, work on it and tackle the obstacles together. Marriage is a struggle and balancing act every day, no matter how perfect. It's easy when you're both on the same path with the same goals. Communication is key. If it's not with him, then know that you are heading down the difficult but correct path and in the end you will be happier than you are with him. You are the only one holding yourself back from your happiness.
