For those who have gone, either alone or with your DH, how did you decide which counselor would work best for you? What questions did you ask and what qualities did you look for? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Personal recommendations from friends can work. Otherwise, I trust my "gut" and know within one or two sessions if someone is a fit for me.
S.,
It was important to us that the counselor share our values and religious views. That way we all had the same foundation to work through.
I went to one that didn't a few years ago and she told me to leave my husband in the first meeting I had with her! She knew nothing except what I had told her. I like that she believed me, but there is always another side to the story!
You might also want to check out the books, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches, and Marriage Without Regrets by Kay Arthur.
Victoria
Counseling is the greatest, good for you both! I found ours on www.aamft.org ... his profile fit what we needed, and lucky for me, my fiance likes him and trusts him. Before him we had this AWFUL woman who was making things WORSE by having us rehash arguements and opening closed wounds. She was absolutely terrible and almost ruined our relationship!! BE PICKY. Any good counselor will respect that you're being picky. Google the heck out of whoever you are considering; good counselors won't mind calling or emailing back and forth for free. Good luck and best wishes!
After my son died, my son's pediatrician recommended counseling since the divorce rate is so high among couples who loose a child. She referred us to a counselor who specialized in grief counseling for couples who lost a child. Long story short the counselor was terrible. Instead of looking for common ground she looked for "issues". So we ended up talking a lot about my MIL:o) After a few weeks I realized this counselor did not know what she was doing. When we originally went to counseling I would have said I had a great marriage. After a few weeks with her focusing on the issues I had to say my marriage was struggling. Then I realized in a four or five week time, nothing in my marriage had really changed but where she was putting the focus. She could have ruined a great marriage!!! My husband and I stopped seeing her and took the $125 / week we were spending and went out to really nice dinners to rekindle our relationship and healed. I am really not sure how to find a good counselor but just make sure you click with them and that things are getting progressively better, not worse in your relationship.
My husband and I went to a counselor for help with issues with hubby's parents. His parents had already gone to the same counselor and by the time we got there, the counselor had already made up his mind about the situation before he had even heard what we had to say! I told him that I didn't appreciate him giving his opinions about me to my MIL and thus giving her more ammunition against me. To his credit, he was appropriately shocked when he heard our side of the story and gave diplomatic advice instead of feeding the emotions of either side.
Look for someone who will patiently hear you both out, and help the two of you communicate instead of just feeding you the answer about what he/she would do. I have a hard time believeing that one of the previous posters looked for a counselor that agreed with her. That's called "money down the drain". :)
Shop around and try out a few if things don't feel right to you. I wish I could be of more help!
Good luck!
I went into counseling when I was in my 40's. I am a domestic violence survivor, been homeless, broke, no good relationships etc. I learned a lot about my negative behaviors, between counseling and reading I learned how to stop myself. Since I was older I wanted a counselor who was older and had some life experience. Be prepared to maybe change counselors if you aren't comfortable with the one you get or to have a stop - start relationship with your counselor. Sometimes we get into uncomfortable territory and see the need for change but change is scary so we stop going for a while, then we get comfortable and go again. What I find the most interesting, it is what YOU say during the sessions that help you more often than what the counselor says. I started to see the patterns in my behavior and didn't need them pointed out for me. Once I saw them I could act on them to change them.
Just go, the fact that you reached out for help is the hardest step to take.
The criteria for us were as followed.
What was their success rate and what was a success to them (some count divorce as a success so ask! )
Were they Biblical? Have them define some Biblical words. Look them up in strong's accordance online beforehand. If they tell you something vastly diffent... ditch them.
They must be willing to correct you. I am betting you are both misbehaving and you M. not see how you are. If they are wishy washy... won't work.
I looked for someone that agreed with me.
I went off a recommendation from my pastor. I didn't have any specific qualities, just the general vibe. My husband says I can talk to a wall, so we based our decision off of his vibes. I think you know within the first couple of sessions if you're going to click with your counselor. The trick is you BOTH have to click with the counselor.If you don't, don't be afraid to try another one.
