My husband and I have through the yrs under went some major life changing experiences. Upon our marriage we combined our children his three and my one, shortly after adding another to the mix of our own. We were the perfect couple, or so it seemed. We were so perfect because, he was in major control, and I didn't even realize it. Soon after our CHILD was born, my husband got sick and under went surgery. Walking away with no physical after affects, you would think he would have learned to apperciate his family. A yr and a half later, our child were removed from our home due to his lack of discipline abilities.
Wanting to make my marriage work and restore my family, I stay with my husband and have tried to make things work, however that is not going so well. He has started taking his anger out on me now. He has alway proved to not be able to properly discipline our children still, even after the fact of all we have been through and are still going through. Even after all the parenting classes, anger management, Domestic Violence courses and therapy he still has not changed. He always manages to manipulate people into thinking he doesn't have a problem.
I started back in church a couple yrs ago, he tagged along and still goes. He even has them all convinced that he is perfect. Far from it, if they could only see outside the church, he does nothing to support God in our lifes or our childrens. He will not even bible study with us.
Get out, I'm sure you are screaming. well that's the tricky part, it would be easy if my child were able to leave but, if I left I would have to walk out and leave my child with him (his family doesn't see the danger). They are suppose to be with his family, however, that has proved to be a joke. Even me speaking to the family has proven to be a waste of time. everyone acts as if I'm making things up. When we do start having lots of problems he always makes threats to not let me see the kids, to send them back to his family. I am in desperate need of help from some where!! I just don't know who to turn to!! At this point I feel I have no one I can truly trust. His family had part in the removal of the children because that felt it would cause me problems, only to find out it was not me doing the disciplining. They are friends to the workers at the local DCBS office so, where do I turn?
I would like to add beacuse there seems to be some conflicting opinions. My family is extremely involved with my situation, they just feel as I do, they do not know what steps to take in order to help without my husbands family finding out. They have made remarks of taking matters into their hands however, do not want to cause added problems to my life at the moment. They are waiting, patiently, I might add for me to decide to make a move so they can help. They would have been more involved from the beginning had his family not had so much pull in the community and stopped that from happening.
Thanks to everyone for you input. I do not know if it was very helpful but it was encouraging. I have not left yet, I have however tested the waters with his family to see where they stand and have decided until I can get my child out with me I can not leave. His family obviously thinks there is nothing to these things considering the fact they continue to leave the older children with him unattended. I do not give them the opportunity to leave the younger one, thank God, he is with me and my mother for the most part.
I no long am alone with my husband, under no circumstances. I have once again had to stress to him we can have no relationship if he doesn't get help. He seems to find this unnecessary considering the fact he has not tried yet. He only wants to point out my faults and how I am the one who needs help. While I can't argue with that, I need a different kind of help, I need help OUT!!
I have recently purchased a nanny cam and hope to get it up and running in the next few days. I am interested in what goes on when no one else is home. my mother's medicine has suddenly started turning up missing. The funny thing is, it seems to happen when he is the only one here, interesting I think. I am wondering if this is part of the problem. However, I vow to keep silent until I have my evidence. Some may not agree with this approach but, I have no choice. I have to be able to insure my childrens well being now and after I do get away.
Any other advice would be greatly apprecaited however, I need someone who can help me get out. My situation is unique because to the custody situation right now. I CAN NOT and will NOT leave my child in danger. Please pray for me and my children, we can use all we can receive. THANK each one of you!!
Find out how you can get control of the children. Take classes if you have to. Prove you are a good Mother. Find out all you can of leagle rights to you children. You I feel are going through Mentle Anguish. This So call Husband is still controlling you. You might be able to get medicale help. I too have a relative gone through the same thing. I hope I helped
It's hard when you feel like there is no hope, I completely understand!! No where to go, no money, no emotional support, I am there too but here are some links:
http://www.safehorizon.org/index.php?nav=nb
http://www.womenslaw.org/TN/TN_links.htm
I have several Domestic Violence profiles on my profile on myspace: www.myspace.com/lorimerriam
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.view...
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.view...
Here's a lady you can talk to and let her know I referred you.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.view...
If you need another person in town to talk to, let me know I have another friend who can help too and will get her number if you'd like to email me privately at ____@____.com.
Remember you aren't alone no matter how much you feel alone and feel like there's no way out, there are thousands like us out there and God is ALWAYS there and understands, don't hesitate to pray for HIS guidence too.
Hey SJ
This comes from a 911 dispatcher. #1 if you ever have to call law enforcement stay on the phone, so everything in the background is recorded. #2 Get a nanny cam in your home without his knowledge. It will record everything that happens. Make sure you get the audio as well. These can be hidden. Great resource for court everything is timed and dated. #3 Stay safe. Your and your childrens safety is priority. Womens shelter are great resources. After you have evidence from the nanny cam you should be able to get an order for protection, and possibly and ex parte order to take immediately custody of your children. Good Luck, I just sent a prayer your way.
okay, get proof on video and voice recordings, and go to another county social services, do you have family close by or a friend you can trust. dot tell him or his family about the videos or voice recordings.untill you get ready to leave this will make it useable in court. and you a least get your children no problem. if he does what i think he is doing go to the hospital in another area get documentaion at hospital hunny before you are hurt and cant leave ok.
I go to a wonderful church and they have a Hope Counseling Center that is free of charge. The church is wonderful for the support and guidance you may need.
North Wake Church
1212 South Main Street
Wake Forest
###-###-####
If he's taking his anger out on you physically, call the police. Is your child in his family's custody and not yours? If he was the problem and not you, then it should be easier for you to regain custody. Consult your social worker and probably a lawyer. A women's center might be able to help you access some resources.
First thing S M I would contact an attorney and get some advise. Usually attorneys will give you a free consultation. Second I would put an ad in the newspaper about him and your situation. I would spread his name all over the local paper. I wouldn't put any slandering remarks I would just put an ad in there. People do it all the time. Maybe that will help you and start things rolling. Good luck and God Bless!
A Nanny cam is a good idea. get what you can on film. It is also very important to get sound legal advice about your rights in a divorce and custody matters. Grandparents do not have any parental rights in the legal system as far as getting custody. Do not let them bully you. Find a good attorney and get some advice and make a plan. I will keep you and your children in my prayers.
Hi SM. If yu are in danger or your children you need to leave.
I do not understand what children you have at home and which ones you do not have. You said you go to church, but you did not say you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Have you asked Him to forgive you of your sins and repented of them, and asked Him to live in your heart? If not please seek help on this. I would suggest Godly counsel. If you have no resource for this, I will be glad to help you find someone in your area.
I come from a divorced family and I am divorced from my first husband, we had no children. I was not saved until 2005, and if I had not established a personal relationship with Jesus, I would be divorced again. Only some things are ment for God to heal. So I do not recommend divorce, because the remifications are long lasting for everyone invovled. however, if you are in danger or your children, you must protect them as well as your self.
The first thing you need to seek is protection if you need that for you and your children. It is hard for family members to believe that "one of their own " is the problem. Seek a good Christian counseler and proceed accordingly. I will be praying for you and your family. If I can make a recommendation for counsel, please do not esitate to ask.
Sincerely,
D.
Your last sentence was that your children are your life and they mean the world to you. Well then act on that. Get legal advice from an attorney or legal counsel. Fight to get your children with you. It sounds like your children are not safe with your husband and I don't really understand why his family has them. If he has anger management problems and domestic violence issues you are not going to change him. He has to do that on his own and you can not control that part. You need to get out and fight for your children and for yourself, your husband is going to get worse as time goes on and may end up hurting you badly. The love for your children should be your motivator. I am sure there are shelters you could go to until you get your situation together. Get out and talk to legal counsel and get your children.
Hi there, the other bit of advice I don't see anyone giving here is, get a lawyer. There are planty of them that do "pro bono" work, which means they will take your case without charge to you. I am not sure I would talk to your pastor if he has everyone at church snowed... A women's shelter sounds like good advice, they probably have more experience with these types of things. Take care and good luck to you.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. As a believer, I would talk to your pastor. Your pastor could be a great advocate on your behalf, especially if you confide in him. He might be able to help you sort through what your options are, and maybe even try to help your husband. You never know what can happen when God gets a hold of someone. I'll say a prayer for you! God Bless You!
I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I must say that if your husband is not able to admit he has problems, his chance of improving is very slim. I would contact an attorney or call around to seek prices. Are you supposed to be doing specific actions to get your children back? If so complete those actions and get back your children. IT seems like you are a very caring and loving mother, but you are stuck in a hard situation. IT seems that your husband is the one with multiple issues and I'm not sure if he will get better without recognizing his problem and seeking help for it. Your best bet is to get custody back of your kids and then get out!
I agree, your pastor AND the local women's shelter can help. Making formal reports will get you one the side of the law. CPS have great intentions, but without proofe, their hands can be tied. Also, talk to your kids schools or daycare centers if you have them. PLEASE do not give up on your children. If you want your marriage, then you have to stand up for you and your children, and step out of the situation until it is proven to be different. Don't give him more than one chance to change either. It will still be a good way for him to control you if he thinks he can manipulate him. You AND your kids deserve a healthy you. Prayer is always great too...but you have to take action. God can't do that all without you listening to him. I'll be praying for you this weekend.
I am saddened to hear about your situation. My Mom married my stepdad when I was 10 and stayed with him for 5-6 yrs. He beat her physically (whenever the mood striked) and controlled her mentally. So I know what that situation feels like.
Please contact your Case worker for your child and see what they can do to help you. Also contact the local women's shelter to see what resources they can help you with. Alot of lawyers do take pro bono work to write off on their taxes. Please, please get help. You don't want to wait until it's to late. Contact me if you need any moral support until you are able to make a move. I will be praying for you and your family!
A.
Good morning first and foremost I would like to say give it to GOD!!! Fall onto your knees and humble yourself. Le the Lord know that you need help and that you can not do this alone. He will equipt you with all the tools you need to move on. Then you must make sure that you are listening to what God tells you to do. Sometime we ask but we are not truly ready for the answer. The courts normally would not take the children from a mother. Especially if there is no proven documentation that you have done anything wrong. I will pray for you and especially your husband for he needs it most.
First of all I am going to pray for you and your children noone should have to live like that but i understand staying for your children. My next sugesstion is try Safe Space its in Louisburg, NC but they might can help you or give you the name of someone who can. Here are there numbers ###-###-#### and ###-###-####. Maybe they can help. Good luck and you and your children are in my prayers.
LEAVE! Find a domestic violence group who will help you leave and give you shelter until you are on your feet. He is a classic abuser! Manipulation and appearing perfect, HELLO, get out and take your children with you. Who cares about his family you need to care about yourself and your children. If you don't leave you are putting yourself and children in harms way. He will never stop. GET OUT NOW
Dear S M- my daughter's father was abusive...I understand what you're going through. You just have to do everything you can to get away with your child. Go to the DCBS worker's supervisor and file a complaint. Make sure to have a small getaway bag packed and ready to go at any time. If (when) he gets violent or EVEN if you are just scared he will, CALL THE POLICE!
Are you getting counseling? Check with your church. His behavior will contimue to escalate.It will not get better. and you may be the next victim.
From the sounds of the marriage you are in you will be better off taking your kids and yourself out of such a household and go be a happy family otherwise your going to continue to be miserable!....and frankly we only get one life to live...so why not know you deserve only the best and full happiness and you and your kids can make that happy life together!!!
When I read your story it reminded me of my best friends story. Her life ended 3yrs ago, by her husbands hands. They had just gone to church the day before and spent the day with their kids trying to get their family back together.
I don't know your situation, but I do know that you are no good to your kids if you are hurt or worse. Get out then figure a way to get your kids out of that situation.
I wish the best for you and your kids. You are in my prayers.
D
If things are the way you describe, I don't see how the courts would allow children to stay in an abusive situation. There may be hope for your marriage if you and your husband get help idividually, but the kids should not be damaged while you are trying to work things out. Get a lawyer and some counseling.
A.
(I'm not a licensed therapist or lawyer)
Have you ever thought of writing to Dr. Phil ?? That just might be a start...but in my own humble personal opinion, I think you should get the heck outta there...take you child (children) and go...there are shelters for women in your position...if money is the "staying point"...sounds like hubby is a bully and gets off on treating you the way he does..yes it is easy for me to say I am not there experiencing what you are..but I am here to tell you that no matter what or how you do..things will not improve..you have to make some life changing decisions for the betterment of yourself and your children..maybe you should go talk to a lawyer and find out where you stand legally in all this..do not make a hasty decision...get a plan formed before you do anything..and again...I say..at least try with the writing of Dr. Phil..no he can't solve all in a 30 minute show, but he has access to those that can help you and your children... I hope that you find a direction to go, and with the help of God..you and your children will be safe...
before I start, I have never been in your situation and have no idea how you must feel but I am very sorry you are going through this. the only thing I can think of right off the top of my head, since he is abusive to both you and the children is to make contact with your local domestic violence center and see if they can assist you in finding a safe house or shelter for you and your children to stay at until you can get on your feet and find a place of your own. you may not want to go the route of government assitance but with that many kids you may not have any other alternative. I think you should try to do this on your own since your family does not seem to believe or support you. if you have to get all of them out of your lives then so be it - you will be better off. i think you know by now that he will not change so you have to be the one to make the changes, again it will only benefit you and the kids. please try to get some help and get out of there!!!! I would hate to think of the lasting effects that this will have on you, nevermind the children. if you don't want it for yourself then want it for the kids. i will pray for you. good luck.
