Marriage - Truckee,CA

That is not acceptable!!!.. If this was me I would leave him, you don't know what else he has done that you don't know about. He is not the last cup of water in the desert honey!!!

I am sorry that you are going through this. What a betrayal. I found out once that my husband was contributing thousands of dollars to our church without telling me. This was at a time when I was pregnant and not working and I needed help paying my bills...all along he told me that he would be willing to help, but when I finally asked, he told me he did not have enough money. Months later, I find documentation of all these donations. I felt weird getting upset because it was, after all, donations to church -- but I did feel betrayed that he lied and I told him them that. I told him that I felt like my trust was violated by him omitting this important information as such a critical time in my life. As a result of this, I accumulated a cartload of credit card debt that I am still paying off, 3 years later. Counseling followed, and that helped a great deal, but we are taking it day by day.

I would recommend counseling, and be serious about it....make sure that you devote the necessary time to it and find someone that you both trust and feel comfortable with. If he refuses, set an ultimatum. There is no sense in being unhappy, life is too short for that. Tell him that if he does not go and take it seriously, you are out. And mean it.

Communication is the basis for a good marriage, and you have a spouse that not only won't communicate, he hides things from you. Then when you call him out, he blames YOU! ---- as in, "you don't appreciate me so I don't feel like being nice to you, and, oh, yeah, I'm paying for my mom's vacation instead of spending the money to keep this family together". This is classic manipulation, and it often leads to more serious problems. Does he remind you that your savings are now gone, so you don't really have the money to get out if you wanted to? Look long and hard at what you're getting out of this. Marriage IS work, but it shouldn't be ALL uphill. You both have to want the best for the other, and face the world as a team. If you can't have each other's back, who will?

That is ALOT of damn money to spend on a course! And definitely not okay that he didn't discuss it with you! My husband and I never do anything above $20.00 without discussing it with each other. Also sounds like he can't afford to pay for his mothers trip!
I suggest reading "The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura. It's a good book; I'm reading it right now.
Best of luck to you!!

Get into couples counseling immediately, and leave him if he won't go. The fact that he feels entitled to spend all of your savings without telling you speak volumes about what he thinks about your partnership. The "right time" to talk about that with someone you respect is before you decide to do it. The chances of you getting him to see your marriage as an equal partnership on your own are small to none. Counseling is the only way and if he won't go, you will never get the respect you deserve from him. Do you want that kind of relationship to be the model that your son grows up thinking of as normal? Do you want to raise him to be someone who will treat his own wife that way? Divorce is scary, but there are worse things than being alone. Living with someone who doesn't respect you is so diminishing. Please know you deserve better!

Hello,

it sounds like he feels that he does not appreciate you, and is feeling guilty. I would start a secret savings for you and your child. And start investigating his spending. If he is hiding something or spending that much without telling you, there may be a lot of other things he's hiding from you as well. good luck.....
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$15,000 on an investment course?! Where... at Harvard?! That is a lot of money for a training course. 4 year colleges cost that much for one year of tuition. I'm sorry, but that sounds a bit odd to me. Are you sure he didn't put some aside for himself or invest it in only his name?

As for the $3,000 for mama's trip... Since he has now spent your savings, it doesn't sound like it would be appropriate to shell out anymore (or put anymore on your credit cards). Seriously, if you don't trust him not to rack up large debt on your joint credit cards, you need to cancel all of them and just focus on paying down any that have debt. That way, if he senses divorce is possible, he can't stick you with half of his debt!

As for divorce, keep in mind that most people I know have said it cost them (individually) about $25,000 to finalize their divorce in attorney fees... Plan your finances carefully.

I have never heard of this type of investment. Is it a scam? My husband spend $23,000 (money we didn't have) on a truck and I wasn't happy. He also brought home a big dog from the pound. I can relate somewhat, but this investment sounds kind of sketchy. I know it isn't easy to be married to someone who makes snap decisions without consulting you! I have gotten so upset over things and felt like our spending was so out of balance. I shop at Goodwill and am a saver.
I wonder if there is anyway you could get the $ back or try to work things out in spite of what happened. I also have a 2 year old. Can't imagine being alone either. Good luck to you!

I know it must be hard for you but I just wanted to wish you all the best. Have you tried therapy?

Hi,
You have not giving enough info like how long have you been married and does he have a job now? I understand the feeling of disappoint right now, but be very careful before you take action. You need to sit down and talk this out with your husband. Let him know how you feel about this whole situation.

Fix him the best dinner you can think about that he likes since he said "you don't appreciate him" then do something special for him. You want to find out what you both can do to resolve this issue and as far as his mother she can be put on the back burner for now. It is about you and your husband right now.

M. T
of CA.

Dear A.K.,

This is a big breach of trust and you are responsible for 50% of the charges on the credit card. I would start getting cards in your name only and getting your name off your joint accounts. Put as much cash aside as you can and make plans for you and your child.

Blessings...

Please do not leave your husband, unless he is physically abusive. Our culture has taught us that divorce is an option, but it has devastated our culture, if you look around. Divorce is absolutely terrible for children - don't do it. You would shatter your child's world and give him a lifetime of issues. It's also terrible for adults.
Instead, keep seeking help for your marriage. For Women Only is an incredibly helpful book to understand how men function and think. It's by Shaunti Feldhahn. It would have helped my failed marriage. Most importantly, do you have a relationship with God? Take a little time and explore this. God loves you so much, and it's the most important decision you would even make. Check out a Bible-believing church in your area. A relationship with God begins with a simple decision to trust in Christ's forgiveness for our sins. Everyone is guilty, and we all need a Saviour. Simply pray, asking God to forgive your sins and lead you into a relationship with Him.
I hope that's helpful. Take care - you are loved!

Hmmmm....I don't think my husband could get away with that, even though he does 90% of the bill-paying, I still stay in touch with our finances and accounts. I would recommend Financial Peace University for you both so you can get on/stick to a budget where all dollars are accounted for.
And if was MY husband, he'd be working his tail off to replace that money ASAP!

I wouldn't allow this for me, leave him in a heartbeat for such manipulation and no regard for you. Doesn't sound like he values you at all! Absolutely no money should go to his mother! No savings left, no money for mom. Would he be wiling to spend the exact same amount of money for your mom as for his? Probably not.
Whatever you decide is right for you, make sure you are protected - start storing money on the side for your emergency fund and not let him know or have access to it, get a credit card in your name only that he cannot access. You should investigate all your joint financials and bills to see if there is other eratic spending or hiding and make sure he doesn't hurt your personal credit! And remember if you ever want to leave him, file legal seperation first before so you will not be responsible for any spending he does after.

You have a tough situation and as much as I am against divorce, I think you need to seriously consider this relationship. I just went to the Dean Graziosi website and the most expensive course there is $596. As some of the other posters noted, he obviously is not truthful and this may be another example. Plan wisely, but start planning your next steps. Best wishes to you and your son.

Don't fear divorce for your own reasons of it seeming "scary" or it leaving you "alone"...but instead for your two year old son wanting an intact home with mommy and daddy.

Sure you are upset...just as any wife would feel when their husband makes a huge financial decision without consultation and agreement. There are larger issues you are both struggling with. Have a talk with him and seek counseling. Put your husband, marriage and son first and foremost in your life. Make them your biggest project to work on right now.

THis may sound crazy and not the advice you want right now but I really think reading Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" would make for a good read right now. You might think..."What? He should be reading about how to treat me properly!!" All I am saying by this recommended reading is that you only have the power to change yourself. All the threats in the world of divorce or whining about him spending the money on the investment or his mom will not make a man want to change. I swear by the book and I know that when I am making my husband feel loved, cherished and important to me then he responds back in the same manner.

We all have our ups and downs in marriage. Marriage is not always rosey...we hit our bumps...and boy you have hit a huge one.

Trust is a huge part of a marraige. You know you can't trust him.
Honesty is a huge part of a marraige. You know he isn't honest with you.
Yes divorce is scary. Living with a man that you can't trust is also scary. Waking up one morning and finding out he's taken all your assets and left you with nothing is scary. Is marraige counceling something that might help you? Whatever you decide, make sure you protect yourself and your child.