Making Parental Mistakes and Guilt

I've done this also and yes, I beat myself up about it too. I'm quickly learning that all moms are human and make mistakes, but it doesn't help you feel better at the time. I would love to be supermom and never raise my voice or show that I'm not calm, cool & collected. Since I'm not, I seek advice up here just like you did and it helps me feel so much better!

i had horrible PMS for quite a while, and for some reason it just all of a sudden stopped. It was very regular and for a few days I was in such a depression, i would be a horrible mother. Trust me, this happens to the best of it.. you just have to breathe through it and let it pass. Some things are uncontrollable, but getting lots of sunshine and fresh air should help :) Try some good earthy herbal tea too :)

I hope you can see from all the responses that we've ALL been there and no, we're not perfect.

We dont need to be perfect to be good moms, just faithful and full of love.

I, for one, am not a mom who is nearly perfect. There are things I feel I do well and things I struggle with. I have had those days, PMS or not, where I have totally lost my cool with my kids. At the first available moment after realizing my "mistake" I apologize to my kids. I explain how I got to that state of mind and offer how I feel I should have reacted. I also review rules that they should be abiding by as well as the consequences they will receive for not complying. I give each of my kids a hug and a kiss and move on. They get to see that emotions can get the best of anyone and that Mommy respects them enough to apologize when she has done wrong. They also get a feel for how relationships work, they will learn about forgiveness, they will learn about righting wrongs. Hopefully those life lessons will sink as they grow and develop ways of coping with situations they face.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You will screw up a number of times throught the years - hopefully not very often and hopefully in ways that are easy to correct. But how we deal with our mistakes is important. We can teach our kids alot by letting them know we aren't perfect (and they won't be either) and that if we do make a mistake we need to find a way to correct it. Do you have any cooling down techniques that work for you - counting to ten, taking a few, deep cleansing breaths, giving yourself a mini-timeout, etc? Having a few in mind that we can rely on can be a big. Best wishes to you!

You cannot hold on to guilt...in any fashion. If you feel bad for what you've said, then apologize. I, personally, don't think it sounds that bad! But know this...parenting out of guilt is the most HORRIBLE thing I have watched others do. (maybe not THE most horrible, but it can get ugly) It allows the child the "upper hand" instills a profound sense of entitlement and creates a person that is not responsible or accountable for his/her own actions. Now, I'm not saying this is the case...I'm talking about extreme cases. However, you don't even want that a little bit.
Give yourself a break, dear. All humans get mad, frustrated, blah, blah, blah...even Mommies! I think it is good for the children to know that even Mommies have bad days and boundaries that need not be crossed. Now go get yourself a piece of chocolate and FORGIVE yourself! ...and remember, they love you.

You are your kids example. :-) NO we as moms do NOT need to be PERFECT!!! We are human... So, apologize to the kids... Show the example of apology... Keep trying to NOT lose it, but when you do (and we all do sometimes) when you realize you've stepped over that line, stop yourself right away and apologize to the kids... Expect the same from them when they get older.

Kids need to know that emotions are ok, even grown ups cry and get upset... But here is a way that grown ups deal with it... How can they copy proper actions if they never see them?

Your apology should quench the "guilt" you feel. And by apology I do not mean let the kids do what ever they want for the rest of the day... I mean saying "Guys, I am sorry about yelling at you. Mommy is having a bad day right now. I feel sad / tired/ etc... Lets try this again ok?"

Listen, everybody makes mistakes, everybody has bad days or bad mornings. Anyone who tells you it never happens to them isn't telling you the truth.
I raised two kids by myself and if I felt guilty everytime I had to yell or everytime I cried out of exhaustion or shear frustration, I would be in the Guiness Book of World Records under the guilt section.

Don't beat yourself up.
When the kids get home this afternoon, have a smile and a hug ready and ask them how their day was at school. When you have a calm moment, talk to them about what happened this morning.
(You are feeling like you made a mistake and are feeling guilty, but I can pretty much guarantee your kids didn't dwell on it all day).
Acknowledge that the day didn't get off to a very good start, so you are going to end the day on a happy note. You feel bad for yelling, BUT, you shouldn't HAVE to yell either. So, tomorrow...no bickering in the morning, no dawdling about getting dressed, no being late for school. You're a team and you have to work together.
Don't blame anybody, including yourself. The day got off to a bad start and it's over now. But it's not getting repeated tomorrow. Group hug....have a nice dinner and bathtime and bedtime...sweet dreams, see you in the morning, I love you....we'll do better tomorrow, right?

Don't let your kids see you feeling like you made a huge mistake and you feel guilty and you are afraid you damaged them. If you want to send yourself on a guilt trip, that just gives them ammo to help you pack your suitcase.
There's nothing wrong with saying you're sorry for yelling, but they can also apologize for their part in it.

I was never afraid for my kids to know when I was mad and I'd had enough, and if it got to the point where I had to raise my voice, they knew they'd pushed me too far.
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with kids figuring out, "Uh oh. This is not a day to goof around and mess with mommy." Especially in the morning when it's really hectic and there just isn't time for foolishness.
They act up, we yell sometimes, it's not the end of the world.
No love lost.
Give it a better try tomorrow.

Hang in there and don't feel so guilty. It's not good for you or for you kids.

Best wishes.

Unless their a stepford wife, I don't know of a mom that hasn't lost their temper or shouted at their kids. I mean really....you're human right! Seriously move on like yesterday. You had a bad moment and yelled. Constant screaming can be an issue, but kids getting yelled at every now and then (even if they didn't warrant it) is not going to scar them for life or land them on the therapist's couch in 20 years. People have emotions, even anger, and sometimes these emotions come out. I don't see a big deal about it. Now a days it seems like people walk around on eggshells around their kids...I mean they deserve to be treated well, but they are just kids and they can realize you are just a person with feelings like anyone else---you're not some unemotional robot! I think the real problem is all the pressure you are putting on yourself to be some sort of super mom. If I make a mistake, I say sorry mommy lost her temper--I should have used my words just like I tell you to do....then I move on. I don't spend time "making it up to them" or anything like that. We all have bad days--that doesn't stop just because you become a mother and you really need to cut yourself some slack before you give yourself a nervous breakdown =) Sounds like momma needs a day at the spa, sans kids!

You are human and it is OK for your children to know it. Though obviously as parents we don't want to crush them under the worry and stress that adults carry around...All you did was give them a glimpse and that is OK.

I don't care how perfect some one seems to me. You will never ever convince me that they never make a mistake and even if it were true, I would probably shrug it off anyway...Because who wants to hang out with perfect people anyway? Stepford Wives just aren't human and would raise hideous children.

I have to say, my squabbling boys drove me to distraction a couple weeks ago while we were at the grocery store. After several calm redirects, I abandoned the cart, grabbed them by the hand and marched them out of the store while saying in a not so quiet voice..."Looks like it's PB&J for dinner for you two since you cannot behave long enough to help me get a few things done." I saw several other non-perfect moms smile and nod at me.

First off, its totally normal to make mistakes and any friends of yours who act like they don't are just trying to appear perfect...trust me-they are not. Don't let it bother you for days...what I do, is aplogize to my kids. Get on their level and say, "I'm sorry for yelling, honey. I shouldn't have done that, etc." Then tell them why I felt frustrated, ask them how they felt and tell them I'd try to do better. And ask them what they think we could do to make your morning better (can you help mommy by putting your shoes on by yourself next time? etc) Then big hugs! Hang in there, we've all been there! Its called parenting-and you are a good parent for caring so much!

Totally normal. Here's a suggestion for when you think you are going to lose control of them and you -- try to diffuse it with humor. If you are trying to get them dressed and they won't, put a bra on one of them. Put their clothes on inside out. So what if they go to school like that. If you are trying to get all their coats on and get them out the door and they are just not cooperating, start putting the wrong coats on the wrong kids. Play it with a straight face. Hand one the car keys and ask him to drive. Hopefully you can get their undivided attention again with your ridiculous joke (hysterical to 3-5 year olds) and then get them focused on what they need to do.

More draconian is the "fine I'm leaving without you then" technique, which I use more often than I like to admit. My kids still haven't figured out that it is actually illegal for me to drive off into the wild blue yonder and leave them halfway ready to go, by themselves, in the kitchen for the whole day. They always decide that they'd rather just come!

Of course, all moms make mistakes. The important thing is, is now you recognize what your mistakes are, and don't keep making the same mistakes. PMS is not an excuse for yelling at your children, and too many women use that as an excuse for not acting right. You are in control of your actions, so now that you know what it is you do, talk yourself out of it before you do it. Remember: YOU are in control of you...not your PMS. Good luck.

Oh girl, everyone makes those mistakes! And really, your "slip up" is so minor! A big mistake is one that results in injury.

Your friends aren't perfect. Know this--everyone acts better in front of an audience. So don't judge people by how they act in public. 99% of parents yell at their kids. I'd bet that most yell at their kids every day.

You also don't want to appear perfect to your children. They need to see emotions so they can learn how to deal with their own.

I've learned to apologize to my children, too. They need to learn that moms and dads make mistakes, and they need to learn how to acknowledge their own mistakes and apologize for them.

The best thing for your kids is to have a normal, happy mom. Not a perfect mom. Because if they think you're perfect, they will think that something's wrong with them because heaven knows they aren't perfect!

No mom is perfect and we all lose our temper with the kids and shout at them etc , personally I don't think there is anything wrong with letting them see how mad/upset they have made you , it is how they learn. It does all depend on what you said though and your reaction , but to raise your voice and tell them how upset they have made you because of the behaviour then that is fine.

You are by no means making a mistake. Even if your friends tell you they don't do that, I would have a hard time believing it. I know you feel bad and you lost it but we as moms' are only human. We aren't computers. lol
It does make your children feel bad at the time but children forget by the time they are out of the door. If they bring it up to you this evening, explain to them that you were having a bad morning, just like they have bad days and what you said was by no means their fault. Also let them know though that when you are on a schedule they have to listen and not be goofing off.
Let them know it may happen again, nobody is perfect. Don't put yourself on a guilt trip forget it ever happened after you have spoke to them.
Take care of yourself and don't be so hard on you. Getting 3 little ones' ready in the morning is certainly a chore and remember that!! We as moms' deserve a medal sometimes'. Again your only human so don't let it get you down. Hope you have a wonderful day and more to come. That PMS sure doesn't help either.

Try not to let it get to you too much. We have all been there at one time or another... any mom who acts like she hasn't probably is just afraid all the OTHER "perfect" moms will find out she isn't perfect... lol

Take a few deep breaths, and when you pick up your kids from school, let them know that you recognize you overreacted this morning. Apologize for tantrumming... Let them know that mommies are people, too, and we aren't perfect; we do make mistakes and get overwhelmed... so when they have those feelings we UNDERSTAND. It's okay to let us know when THEY are feeling overwhelmed... You'll try to handle things better in the future. The end... and no... you don't have to go spoil them somehow to make up for it. Just say... hey.. moms are human. :)

No O. is perfect! All moms make mistakes!

If PMS is affecting your mood this much, please talk to your doctor. It was affecting me and now that I have meds, it's a night and day difference. My motivation for change was exactly what you described. You do not have to go through this or put your kids through it either. Good luck!

You will screw up. Every mother will screw up. This screw up wasn't a very bad one. Just gather up your kids and apologize to them. Just tell them how you were feeling and that you will try not to let it overwhelm you to that point again. That way, maybe that will help them realize what their arguing does to you. And they will remember that in the future when they start to argue. It's ok. You are a perfect mother as long as you are trying your best to be. If you love your children more than anything in this world, and you would do anyting for them, you are a perfect mother. Don't lose hope. God never said it would be easy, He just said it would be worth it.

Hi--
It's okay to be human in front of your kids. They have bad days when they have tantrums and can't calm down and so do you. I think the thing that differentiates a good mom from a "bad" one is whether or not you take responsibility for yourself when you mess up. When I do something wrong I apologize to my children and explain that Mommy is cranky like they get when they have a tantrum. Everyone messes up--it's whether or not you own it that makes the difference. No one is perfect and teaching your kids how to have humility and grace is a very useful lesson in life. Try not to be so hard on yourself (it difficult, I know). Your children need to learn how to live in the world, not in utopia :-)
good luck!
J.

don't feel bad i do it also. we as moms are not perfect. kids need to see that we are not perfect. my mom use to lose it sometimes with my brother and i also and we are fine. no need for therapy or anything lol.when mom freaked we knew we were in big trouble. with all of the arguing and fighting we did when we were young we are very close now eveb though i live in pa and he in fl. kids are pretty resilant. talk to your doctor about your pms maybe he or she can help with that.

Like a lot of others have said, the important thing is to show them that you realize that you did something that you regret and apologize for it. You can explain that you were feeling frustrated/tired/worried or whatever else you were feeling. Ask them how they felt when you yelled. Empathize with them. Talk about how you will all do things differently next time. Not only are you going to "screw up" sometimes...it is important that you do! How else will your kids learn to deal with difficult situations? What if they went out into the world never having had someone get frustrated with them, or yell or disappoint them? It is better that they learn about this with you, their mom, who they love, trust and feel safe with. It is important that you make mistakes so that they can see how you and they can "recover" from these experiences. Dealing with hard things emotionally strengthens them, just like doing things that are physically hard strengthens them physically. This doesn't mean that you need to yell at them or anything to toughen them up. Just let yourself make the occasional mistakes that we all make and deal with them appropriately with you kids. Finally, you making mistakes and acknowledging them shows your kids that it is okay for them to make mistakes. If you expect yourself to be perfect you are teaching your kids that they need to be perfect.

Oh my gosh...this is totally normal and I will tell you that a lot of moms do this, but don't admit it. My sister and I are always talking about the stupid stuff we say to our kids or our bad moods. We just laugh because it's nice to hear that other moms have bad days too. I can guarantee you that no mom has it all put together and never makes a mistake. Some are just better at hiding it.
On another note, if you feel the PMS is that bad, might be a good idea to try a low dosage of meds. Ask your OBGYN

I have had many mornings when this happens to me. Especially when I'm stressed trying to get my self dressed for work and the kids ready for daycare and school. My kids are always bickering and running though the house. I tell them constantly to stop running because the 3 year old will eventually bump his head or get hurt. Somedays I feel like i'm going to totally "lose it." If I complain to anyone I hear "your kids are young just wait tell they get to be teenagers. You think you got problems now.!"

I resent my husband most day because he does not say anything to the boys. The other day, I was in the shower, husband was setting in his recliner with his stereo blasting (he could not hear what was going on even if he was trying) and the 3 year old poured carpet cleaner all other the floor. I actually heard him telling his father that he made a mess but he cleaned it up. You think he would have gotten up to go and see what was going on. He only got out of that chair because he heard me coming downstairs. I think that most of the yelling I do at the kids are mostly out of the anger I have at my husband.

I think we do the best we can. We are only human who can only tolerate so much before we explode. I have learned to just take a deep breath and count to 10 before i just blow off steam and lose my mind.

I apologize. I usually say something like, "I'm sorry I yelled. I lost my temper. I love you and I will try not to yell so much when I'm angry." The other day I yelled at my son, blaming him for something he didn't do but I thought it was him who did it because he had been doing it a lot lately. Then I remembered how he had apologized the day before and promised not to do it anymore. I realized that in assuming that it was him who did the naughty thing, I was not forgiving him. So I told him that and apologized. We can turn our mistakes into teaching moments. Sometimes I still feel bad about it after apologizing, but that bad feeling is a reminder to me to take the situation seriously and make a bigger effort to change. I also know that my temper is short when hormones are changing so I do everything I can think of to help me be calm and clear headed when I notice myself starting to yell a lot. Pain meds, hot chocolate, a nap, asking a friend to watch the kids for an hour, cutting down on my housecleaning for the day, making simpler meals, calming music, etc. Good luck!

Any mom who says or thinks she is nearly perfect is fooling herself or telling a story. There is no training to be a mom (although child development courses can help, but it's not a how-to) and kids don't come with instuctional manuals! We have all made mistakes. And, I'm sure a huge majority of us loose it from time to time and yell at the kids.

The best thing to do when you do make a mistake is to calm down and apologize. Obviously you can't take a time-out when you need to get to school, but at other times, when you "loose it" with the kids, it's perfectly fine to say "Mom needs a time out" and then take 3 minutes in your room to calm down (put kids in a safe situation, ie playpen or room, depending on age). When you have calmed down, say "Mom yelled, and that was wrong. I'm sorry."

When kids see us make mistakes (which is inevitable) and then deal with them appropriately (which is choice) they learn through that example how to deal with their own frustations and shortcomings. NOBODY is perfect, and for a child to think that mom or dad never make mistakes can set them up to feel inadequate later on.

As long as you are generally calm and loving, and spend plenty of positive time with your little ones, the occaisional blow-up won't ruin them. Just keep going forward doing the best you can, and you all learn together. (I've been at this for over 11 years now, with 3 of my own, and I still am learning how to do my "job")

noone is perfect,,,yelling ,screaming , is not good but as long as your not laying a finger on your children then there is hope for you...just remeber to always take few minutes a day JUST FOR YOU ... a walk or a nice phone call to a good friend...anything to just relax and recharge.....even just 5 minutes alone can be great.....always take responsibility for your actions ...when i get upset with my child ..and i do occasionally...after i scream or say something stupid during a tough time...i always tell my child mommy was wrong 4 saying/acting that way i will try to use my words next time more nicely...it shows that noone is perfect but also to take responsibilty ....love goes alot farther than anger !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to add a couple of things to the great advice you have already received about apologizing and releasing the notion of the "perfect mom."

When I found my anger out of control when my children were little, I turned to myself and started taking "mommy time-outs" and I would anger journal out my anger. I would just allow myself to pour out the hateful horrible feelings and thoughts I was having on paper. I had years of built up anger that I had never had permissions to express and I found it coming out sideways on my sweet little children and decided I needed to do something about it.

I also learned that anger had a lot to do with my inablility to have boundaries and to deal with the situations that were really causing my anger. I studied in depth about boundaries and learned how to create them, hold them, and communicate them clearly. I also got some training in parenting skills that supported me in finding new ways to interact with my children.

Self-care is a key ingredient for moms to be able to do the best job they can. Being mean to yourself and setting yourself up with phrases like: "I don't want to ever screw up" will only undermine your ability to show up fully for your children. Martha Beck, an amazing life coach, once said something to the effect of: "Your children don't learn to love themselves by how you love them; but, by how you love yourself." Changed my life and my children's lives when I learned that for myself.

Carrie E mentioned some great ideas about how to care for yourself when you are not feeling quite up to mommy-hood. I call this resourcing ourselves. Find the things that support you when you aren't at your best (which can be really often when you are a mom).

Guilt is poison. As women we have bought into a false idea that says we are solely responsible for everyone else's well-being. Bull----. We each need to be responsible for our own well-being. We can certainly support others however there is a huge difference between supporting and being resoponsible for fixing someone else's life. It isn't possible.

We really tend to buy in to the idea that if our children are unhappy it is a horrible thing and must be our fault. Maybe, as many others have talked about, it is okay for our children to experience all kinds of feelings including sadness, disappointment and even anger. This is how they learn. Just as an infant needs to learn how to self-soothe; children need to learn impulse control, problem solving, conflict resolution, apologizing, etc.

You are an amazing mom because you are staying aware of what is happening and what you are doing. Like many others, I encourage you to let go of the destructive idea of the "perfect mom" and just be the mom you are. Learn, grow, feel, be genuine, own you own stuff, take care of yourself, and you will be giving your children the best gift they could ever have--permission to be who they are and not some robot or made-up version of who others think they "should" be.

If your friends act like they never make mistakes, they are faking it! Everyone makes parenting mistakes! Sounds strange, but our kids need to know that we're not perfect either. Tell them you're sorry and you shouldn't have acted that way, and that the way they were acting was really really frustrating to you. Kids know they make mistakes, they get in trouble. I think it's healthy for them to know that nobody is perfect and that everybody makes mistakes. And when we hurt someone's feelings or do something you shouldn't, adults and kids alike should apologize. It makes for healthy relationships! We can't ignore our mistakes, and shouldn't let our kids think that we don't make them either.

You're normal.

I also feel horrible after blowing up at my children. If you are a religious person, a book that has given me so much insight is 'Spiritual Lightning' by M Catherine Thomas. It is very cheap on Amazon. It has helped me understand and channel guilt and issues in our marriage and parenting. Guilt is counterproductive and I don't believe our maker wants us to dwell on it to the point of belittling ourselves. The purpose of it is to encourage us to make a change in our life or behavior. In addition to this, prayer and meditation have helped me have less guilt and less anger. Love and best luck to you.

I gave my son permission verbally to calmly tell me I was being unfair and as he put at the age of 4 "just trying to hurt me" and I promised to stop and evaluate whether or not he was right. He always was and I would stop my bad behavior. I always said I was sorry when I was wrong. I made many mistakes. But I have a wonderful son. You won't stop making mistakes, but you all can learn from them if you admit them. It is really important for children to know that you are human too and that adults say sorry and mean it. I used to go outside to keep from spanking or yelling until I could myself under control.

I didn't read all the responses but I wanted to respond for myself. It's horrible how you feel when you blow up, yell, etc at your children.

When I yell at my daughter, I tell her that mommy was not right to yell and that I am sorry. When I've had to punish her (timeouts or putting her in her room) for not listening or doing something she's not supposed to, I get down to her level and explain why she was in trouble and what to do in that situation.

Yesterday I spanked my daughter twice...and I am not a fan of spanking!!!! I did it because she put herself in danger (2x in one day - boy did I feel badly!). But afterwards, I talked to her and explained that there are things she cannot do and I was upset with her and how she put herself in danger. Not sure how much a 2.5 year old understood, but still.

I always make sure to let her know that I love her and even if I was upset or mad at her, that I am not any longer. I've even cried in front of her out of frustration and when she asked "What's wrong, do you miss your daddy?" I just told her that I was cranky and tired. I think it's okay to cry in front of your children and it's okay and normal to yell or fly off the handle. You are human, after all.

Just be sure to explain what happened and why. And then move on! I know they will.

Normal, yes, but keep working on it. Set a goal and have a friend to check up on you. The other day I tried telling my children I love them every time I felt tempted to scold. I even posted it on Facebook, and you know what? They fought less with each other that day, too. I am nowhere near perfect, but I think each day is a new opportunity, and our only responsibility as mothers is to do better than the day before.

Make sure you work out, get good nutrition, and try to get enough sleep.

As for today, tell your kids you are sorry, you are not perfect yet, and let it go.

Oh gosh, I have to believe most moms go through this at some point or another.

IMHO it *is* damaging to children to have parents who "blow up" on a regular basis - they become anxious about the world. Children learn so much just by living with their parents. They need to be taught with patience, consistency and most of all - love. Is eveything going to be perfect? No. But if you blow up - apologize to your kids (I have done this many times) and let them know that you are all going to work on a strategy to make your mornings go more smoothly (and incentivize them in doing it).

Your kids are probably getting too big a "pay-off" by not getting ready. I.e., they get to spend a bit more time at home, see mom get upset, etc. You have to make it NOT worth their while. Think carrot and stick. And tell them you are going to follow the same rules (they will giggle at this).

Most of all, remember that this, too, shall pass.

Good luck.

PS: Consider homeschooling! Sorry - just had to throw that in there. Seriously, though, some kids are NOT morning people (I have a son like this).

No one is perfect. It is normal to feel guilty and those things we feel guilty about are the things we need to reflect on and see what we can change. I often feel the way you do right now. But the bottom line is that we are going to make mistakes. All we can do is apologize when necessary and try to change those things. I feel like I yell way too much, and that is some thing i am working on. The thing we can teach our kids is that we are trying to change and that it is possible. Good luck.

Hi, I have read most of the responses on this topic. There is some very good advise. I am a grandma of 4 that are your typical little stinkers that all kids can be . Kids learn at a very early age what buttons to push. Momma says there will be days like this. The best thing to do that I believe is to act right away with an apology. If we yelled at an adult that is what we would do, children deserve the same respect. It clears the air as how you are feeling and how the kids are feeling. Don't make promises that this will not happen again because we as moms & nana's are not perfect. Just like everyone else. Try to deal with the guilt and let it go(not easy) mom thing. But you will feel better!! Good luck and I hope that I helped in a small way.

No mother is perfect, no matter what they try to tell you. I have friends that act like they never make mistakes, too, but it's just an act. When I slip up and say/yell something I normally would not, I feel guilty, because the kids are at school, and I can't apologize until they get home. And PMS always makes things worse. All you can do is apologize when you see them and then do your best, next time. We're all human. Give yourself a break.

When I mess up as a mom, which I do alot, I own up to it. I tell my daughter I messed up and made a mistake. I tell her I am sorry and ask for her forgiveness. You are human. You are a mom. Mom's are not perfect (no matter how perfect they appear to be). Your child will respect the fact you said you were sorry (at least some day) and it will teach them to say sorry and own up to their mistakes.
Sorry, but at one point or another you will "screw up". Just make sure it is something you can come back from!

We are all human. It is important for our kids to know we are human too. Try your best to not have "meltdowns", I can tell by your post you do, and when you do make a mistake you let your kids know, appologize and move on. It is the best for you and them, they will learn how to deal with their own meltdowns and frustrations from you. It is hard, I have spent long hours crying over the fear of ruining my children because I am human, I get frustraighted and I boil over at times, I think the periods of guilt are worse for them than the meltdowns so do what you need to do to get past it the best way you can. Find an honest mommy friend to talk to. It helps to know you are not the first, only or last mommy to lose it.

SInce I cannot model perfect patience for my children, I do try to model humility and apologize sincerely when I am unkind or unfair to them. Admitting you were wrong shows you respect them. Screwing up gives them permission to screw up occasionally, too, and know that your love is constant and unconditional.
It's OK to clarify that you made a mistake, but you know that isn't the right way to handle frustration: "I am so sorry I yelled at you. I was very tired and frustrated and everything seemed extra hard, but it is not OK to yell at people. I am learning not to yell at people, even when I am angry. I hope you know how much I love you, and how sorry I am that I hurt your feelings. I hope you are still glad to be with me." This clarifies that your mistake does not reflect your overall life philosophy, and you know it.
Apologize, then let it go and start fresh and don't beat yourself up over past infractions--you wouldn't want your children to do that to themselves.
You might like the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk." It reduced a lot of the yelling at my house.
Hugs to you--hang in there!

We all do it. Nobody is perfect and any mom that wants you to think that she is, is in denial. It's not the worse thing in the world for your kids to see you make mistakes, just acknowledge it and let it go. This will teach your kids that they do not have to be perfect all the time and if they make a mistake they will be forgiven. Good Luck

what can i tell you? 3 kids its no easy....no matter what day in the calendar.
About crying and yelling in front of them...not a good decision. You have to teach him how to behave without crying or screaming... if you scream and cry ...they are going to scream and cry too to get they way done.

but that kind of things happens ....next step: talk to them about what happen, express your feeling and let them express their feelings too. tell them that you make a bad decision and screaming and crying its not the right way to get your way. tell them its not going to happen again and say "im sorry" (so they are going to get the message, and when they feel the same way you felt, are going to do the right thing)
making mistakes when parenting is perfectly normal. but you have to fix them as soon as you realize you did one.
I believe that no matter what really happened that day, the main problem here is that you have to tech them how to behave and make some rules around the house so you dont have to get so frustrated at times. use terms like "stay quiet" , "im going to count to 3 for you to do what i say" , "your going to be in so much trouble if you dont stop xxxxxxx right now" and of none of that works " YOUR IN TIME OUT" but you have to be straight about what your saying and get it done even if that hurt you...thats the only way to keep those "chaotic times" under control.
good luck

Add my vote to the "mom's are not perfect" column! Every parent looses it and screws up! I agree with the other mom's ho say that you should sit down with your kids and talk to them about what happened. Apologize, explain why you lost it, and try to come up with a plan to avoid that situation in the future. Showing them that you are human and make mistakes is an important lesson for them, as is modeling how they should deal with it when it happens to them. No parent every wants to screw up, and every parent worries about what their screw ups will do to their kids, but being a mom does not mean that you aren't human anymore, and every human screws up! The positive things you do for your kids will far outweigh the negatives in the end!

PMS is the worse times for me and yes I yell. When I know I am wrong for yelling I apologize for it. I would expect the same from them if it was the other way around. We are human we are not saints. We are mothers I do not think yelling and never crying is wrong under those circumstances. I think it teaches kids a valuable lesson that mom has feelings too. My boys are high functioning autistic and well when they get going its hard for them to stop. One day while waiting for my daughter to get out of school they were fighting and they would not drop it or be quiet. So right there at the school I lost it yelling and crying. At the time the boys were 10. I said some honest things loudly to them but the second my voice cracked and the tears started to come they both freaked out. Mom has feelings too was running through their heads. Both of them did a 180 and stopped felt guilty apologized to me for their behavior and the one asked me to never cry again because it made him sad.

I think all to often those who act like they do no wrong are either full of it or so insecure in what they are doing they have the overwhelming need to make it look better than it is. Not for others but themselves. I am not perfect in any way I yell I make mistakes but I am not abusive by any means I love my kids and I am always here for them. When I am wrong I admit it to them because yes I expect the same from them.

Crying in front of your kids is not a problem, and neither is yelling. What's important is to be real. When you yell at your kids, appologize. When you cry in front of your kids, do not appologize, but let them know that you got upset.

Your real work has already started and you're doing beautifully! You obviously do not want to yell and want to have a better plan of action next time. If we can be clear on how we want each scenario to go, and clear with ourselves on what will happen when things don't go according to plan, we can be calmer.

Recently, a mother asked me about her 6 year old daughter making her 4 year old son miserable at the breakfast table. This would lead to a fight, being late to school and mom being frazzled. She was hesitant to separate them at breakfast, thinking that it would seem like a punishment.

I recommended that if she guided her daughter towards the desired outcome without blaming her daughter, that it could be a very effective display of leadership. She could mentally take her daughter's side for a moment and simply tell her that this would help her daughter to get to school on time and have a pleasant morning. While it takes a bit of planning beforehand and extra time, it is addressing the concern.

We get frazzled so easily and it's hard to take a proactive approach at times. It may seem strange to plan ahead, like we don't have faith in our kids. But in reality, the more concise and focused direction we can take, the more it will bring us towards our desired outcome.

I happen to work with families, and you are not alone! Yes, it seems like everyone else is just fine with no problems, but that is most definately not the case!

It's never too early to start asking the kids questions, either. Would you like to get dressed first, or have breakfast? Let's take a vote! What would you like to have for breakfast? Oh, three different answers....? Hmmm..... Well, whoever gets dressed first, gets to choose the breakfast! (offer a choice of three favorites - you're still in control!)

Then, you can add things like setting out their clothes the night before, to give everyone the best chance at winning the breakfast game. Open up a discussion if the children's ages do not permit a real competition for getting dressed. If someone is too young to get their own shoes on, for instance, well he's done when his pants and shirt are on.

Yes, this takes some planning. However, you'll have a real shift in all of your attitudes!

And one more note about crying; don't worry about it. That's a wonderful time to stop and pause. That's your opportunity to hug your children and let them know you love them and want the best for them, and that's why you started to cry - because you yelled and that's not the best for anyone!

When you allow yourself to cry, that sends a good message to your children that their tears are acceptable, too. That is a very important message. At its core, it means that we have feelings, even sad ones, and that's perfectly fine in this family.

The message that "It is safe to have feelings in this family" is one of the best messages you can give your children.

Additionally, the message that "We can do this" with the morning routine is a great one, too! With a little practice, you can motivate your children in so many ways!

Best of luck,

L.

i have had that day for the passed FEW days. i feel awful. i know i am being snappy and short tempered because i am PMSing, but i just cannot stand the whining and fighting. I end up snapping and yelling too. i always feel guilty about it. I always just try to go back and give them a hug later and tell them that i am sorry that i am being grouchy.

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible day. When I do this, I take the child(ren) aside alone and apologize. I admit I was wrong and that I'm very sorry. I also ask for the child to let me know if I start to do that again. My 6 yo will now very quietly tell me I'm starting to yell. It's great, though. I'm doing it less, and he's more quick to forgive. The hugs are great, too! And, yes, how many of us really want to admit that we do this. Aren't there times we all act like we have no problems? We all have problems, and we all react wrong sometimes. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, though. It's hard to apologize to your kids, but so worth it! (Plus, when you apologize, it's a lot harder to do it the next time.) :) Hope tomorrow morning goes better!

Hi there,

I don't think you made a mistake at all! You modeled for your children that even adults can get overwhelmed and lose it...and that when they do, the world doesn't come to an end...mommy is resilient, and life moves on. It's a normal part of being human! You can use what happened this morning as a teachable moment later on this evening. Find a time when the kids are relatively calm and replay what happened...sharing with them that you feel sad you yelled loudly and then talking with them about how things could be different next time, and that even moms and dads can sometimes say or do things they don't mean.

You didn't screw them up!!! No worries. :)

Your friends either need to stop lying or you need to get better friends, joking mostly here. I can't/won't say it is "normal" to lose your temper, I will tell you that I too yell more than I would like, especially when I am trying to get everyone out the door and I say HURRY and they slow to a snails pace.
The guilt nearly kills me. a few months ago, I really lost my temper and screamed and threw a fit like a little kid. I felt so bad. I really did some soul searching and reached out to friends about what to do. Then like a lightning bult it hit me! I have this technique that i use for my daughter when she has a bad attitude. I gave her instructions to use it on me when I yell. It REALLY helps. Here is what we do:
For her: if she has a bad attitude, I tell her to give it to me. She wipes her face and hands me her bad tude. I reach in my pocket and give her a new and improved one.
For me: I gave her an extra of "mommy's calm voice" to hold onto. When she sees that I am getting too frustrated and start yelling, she will hand me my calm voice. which reminds me that I need to get a hold of myself again.

Now: I know this probably sound rediculous, some moms might even think it is crazy...but I come from a family where yelling is a prefered way of communicating and I am trying my hardest to change that. i try very hard to not yell at my kids, but we all fail once and a while. I have given my daughter an easy way to communicate with me when I have lost my composure. We then can deal with it before we spend the entire car ride to school being "mad" and them being confused because mommy yelled...
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I hope you find that you are not alone and there are others out there that aren't perfect either... :)

If your friends seem to be perfect it means they are better at hiding their imperfections and problems - not that they don't have them. We all try to put our best face forward to the world. And then we as moms tend to compare our worst with what we see around us - which is inevitably everyone else's best. We're just not fair to ourselves. We also tend feel way too much guilt and to be way too hard on ourselves. We all have moments like the ones you are describing - you are not alone. We cannot expect perfection from ourselves - it's just not realistic. What we can do it to model to our children the right way to handle things when we make mistakes. We can apologize, take responsibility for our behavior and try to do better next time. Too much guilt does not help in that. We should feel just enough guilt to motivate us to do better, but not so much that we get discouraged. I think you do that by what we say to ourselves. When we have a bad moment, we need to tell ourselves that we are in a pressure-cooker with hormones complicating the issue - it's no wonder we got frustrated. Have some understanding for yourself. Then think of some things we could do when we have that feeling rather than blowing up, i.e. take a deep breath, go in the next room for a minute, realize that even if the house is chaotic & we're late for our next thing it's not the end of the world. Be grateful that everyone is healthy and that they have a mom that cares enough to want to do better. And find a way to take some breaks when you find yourself with little patience. Just a 30 minute breather is sometimes enough to recharge your batteries. Hang in there. We have the hardest job in the world & you are not alone!

Sure it is better not to lose your cool...but I think you are just a totally normal human living in a stressful world with kids that wanted to ignore...

Guilt will only zap your confidence and that won't help you or your children.

You could sit down with each child...If they are all together they may not take you seriously..But if you talk to them privately and tell them that your reaction was not the best...But can they imagine how you were feeling? How do they think they would have felt if they were the parent? What do they think would work better?

You may just find that they give you a pretty good idea of things that you may need to alter...No tv until all is done...Some type of reward system at the end of the week for their helpful contribution...

So...Please work constructively with the situation...Not DESTRUCTIVELY...Guilt is never the best thing to help us alter out views, concepts, or attitudes. Logical Thinking and the right motives will take you much further...Good luck...

J. H.

Hi,
Well it's too bad we aren't all as perfect as your friends are but that said, the rest of us screw up. Often!!! I finally found a book by Julie Ann Barnhill called, "She's Going To Blow". Wow, has it ever been insightful. It's been most encouraging to know there really are other Moms out there struggling just like me. As I work my way through Julie's book I am learning to apply what I learn and that is helping me tons. But sometimes I just need to walk away and come back in a few minutes with a different perspective and calmer demeanor. I will then hug my kids, tell them I'm sorry that I shouldn't have gotten so upset and ask forgiveness and let them know how much I love them. It's humbling but it gets me back on track and also helps me re-evaluate so I can do better the next time. Because, unfortunately there will be a next time. Hope this helps, blessings to you, L.

Any time I have ever lost my temper and yelled at my son, I apologize for it. I have also felt very bad about losing my temper, but we are only human. Any mother who says she hasn't is either in denial or lying. Children usually understand because they lose their tempers, too. If you explain that you were having a bad day and tell them that you will TRY not to let it happen again, I'm sure they will forgive you. Apologizing will also help you to feel better. In the future, try to remove yourself from the situation when you feel yourself about to explode. Take a deep breath and do what I always told my son when he was little and would lose his temper; count to ten, or a hundred, depending on how angry you are. Good luck, and remember, it is only natural to lose your patience and temper every now and then.

I am sure that we all have moments that we are not super proud of as parents. the best thing you can do it to tell your kids that you are sorry, explain that what you did was wrong and that is that. most parents think that you should never say you are wrong but why??? you are teaching them a wonderful lesson if you do say you are wrong: how to say sorry, what to do correctly and that no one is perfect and even if you are not perfect you are still loved. hang in there we all have bad days. xo

Goodness! Don't think you're the only person who's ever done something like that :) In fact, I just snapped at my older son yesterday for waking up earlier than I wanted, waking me up and waking up the baby.

But, whenever I do something like that that I regret, I apologize to my son and explain why I did it and how I wish I had acted instead. I feel it's important for him to see that people aren't perfect (including mom, dad and himself) and that when someone makes a mistake it's ok, but that they should apologize to the person they hurt and then talk about it.

My husband and I both do this with our kids, and we also expect them to do the same with us if they have a melt-down or get mad and react to something in the "wrong" way. I think it's really helped my son label his feelings/emotions and be able to talk about how he's feeling rather than just react blindly.

And don't worry about it! I'm sure you're still an awesome mom :)

I have had many days as you described. While the yelling is disturbing to children, I think it is ok to cry in front of them. They understand tears and that it usually means you are hurt in some way. And they calm down, wanting to make things better for mommy. Then I would apologize to my kids, after calming down, for the outburst and let them know that it was not them that caused it. In later years, when they were old enough to understand, I would tell them that "mommy needs some quiet time", that happened alot when we were in the car. They understood that and would quiet down for a few minutes, which is usually all I needed to regroup mentally. As for screwing up, it will happen, but our children love us and are very forgiving. Trust them when they give you hugs and kisses. And most importantly, we are not all perfect!! Motherhood is an adventure, and there are bumps along the way. Hope this helps. And enjoy the adventure!
CAM

We all do the best we can!! I have made several mistakes but use the mistakes as a learning tool and try not to repeat them. Progesterone, the hormone that controls PMS, was at its lowest point on the scale when I got it checked. I was put on progesterone but I never knew I had an issue with that. We are always in control of our emotions. Too many women use this as an excuse to be bitchy and when they are raised to have that excuse it gets really bad. I will not ever let PMS be an excuse in my house. Saying that you NEVER want to screw up is placing way too much burden on yourself. Everyone is human!!