Major Issues with My Husband's Brother and Our Sister N Laws - Las Vegas,NV

GET OVER IT!! These people are obviously not your friends! My son has developmental delays and my MIL (an er nurse) and her daughter constatly make fun of me for getting a speech therapist thru early intervention. They will laugh out loud at me and it is VERY cruel. Your family has been cruel to you and you are right not to trust them with things close to your heart. BUT....while the ring leader is at least on her way out the others will still be around and you'll still have to deal with them. At least they don't live in your home (mine do!!) I have come to a point where I can enjoy the parts of my relationship with my MIL that I can respect and just don't take the rest to heart. I have always believed that if it is important to you then it is a big deal to you no matter what I think. My sister completly freaks out about the slightest thing. I think she is over reacting but it doesn't change the fact that she is confiding something to me that really works at her heart. No matter what I think I don't want to be unkind to my sister or for that matter the man in the moon. They have treated you really badly but if you harbor ill feelings it will only hurt you. Don't forget how they treated you and don't open yourself up to them again. Don't forget that you are awesome and the fact that you trusted them and they hurt you says a lot about what kind of friend you are...one who respects her friends feelings and is respectful of her relationships. Use this as an opportunity to be proud of your virtue instead a victim of their awfulness!

Even though I know you are hurt and what happened was no doubt wrong on so many levels, I think you should try to talk to Brenda and realy explain to her how all of this has made you feel, and the fact that she did nothing to stop it made you feel like she was betraying you as a sister-in-law and friend. But you might want to cut her some slack. If she's not the confrontational type maybe she really did just delete them and just didn't have the guts to say anthing to your other ex-sister-in-law. It is a really hard battle to fight when you try to make your husband choose you or his family. You don't want to go there. In the future until you feel comfortable only tell or email Brenda things that you really wouldn't care if other people knew. As Dr. Phil says (LOL) Be the hero in this situation. Hope it helps good luck.

Dear S.:

What was done to you was HORRIBLE and WRONG. You must remember, though, that her actions define HER not YOU. At this point in her pitiable life, she is in the unfortunate position of being capable of nothing better than this contemptible behavior. That is why she showed you no compassion.

As far as the other characters, it means something that they apologized. They obviously want to have a relationship with you because they certainly did not NEED to apologize. Forgive them, take them at their word that they did not participate in the mocking and show them that YOU are the bigger person in this situation. They may learn something from all this and eventually develop into better people and more loyal friends. The other benefit would be the great example you’d be to your children. (You should never speak of this to them but allow them to learn from your behavior.)

When I say to take your in-laws at their word, it’s really important that you catch what I mean. When we resist doing that, we resist because we’re afraid to be considered foolish for believing someone. But that is backwards! The worst thing that can happen when you believe someone is that they’ll be proven to be liars and you’ll be a confirmed good-hearted soul. In the meantime, you enjoyed peace. You can’t lose. Only time will tell what is really going on in their hearts. You just need to sit back and watch!

I think you’re right to restrict the amount of information you’re giving to your remaining sister-in-law but you shouldn’t do it to punish her (she wasn’t leaking your private notes) but rather because that’s not her role in your life. She sounds like a weak person who isn’t mature enough to be your close friend. She may develop to that point but she’s not there now. Just minimize contact for now. If she insists in getting close too fast for you, say something like, “I’m so glad we’re taking our time allowing our relationship to mend.” That will subtly indicate to her that she needs to back off a bit.

Your husband is in a really tight spot. He knows what happened was cruel and unfair but he’s unable to express it to you for two reasons. (1) He wants you to heal from this and doesn’t want you to fixate on the bad but rather, look forward to the good. (2) He knows that you’re a family that must get through this difficult time. There really is no alternative. These are the conflicts that build strong marriages. Don’t waste it!

As a wife and mother, you need loyal and trustworthy friends to support and who will support you. Spend your time seeking those people out and investing in those relationships. Then, from a position of strength, you’ll be better able to deal with the difficulties that life brings.

Best wishes,

M.

Husbands (and men in general) see things differently than women do. They can joke around with each other and call each other idiots and then they will brush it off and be best buds the next day. You will see this with your boys and their friends. I am not trying to play down the situation at all...you have a right to be mad...but you need to see your husband's perspective too. If I were you I would not talk to those people (like Brenda) again...however, that does not mean that you can't be civil to her. If you are at a family gathering and she says "hello" you say "hello" and just leave it at that. Don't share any personal information with her and don't have conversations with her about anything. Forgive her and be civil...but don't take the relationship any farther than that. Surround yourself with other good friends who will make-up for their lack of kindness. These good friends will take their place and you won't have to worry about them anymore.

One question I have is how did you find out that she was forwarding your emails to other family members? If you BIL or SIL told you, then you should be able to trust them as they wanted to give you a heads up. 2nd question is when did you find out they were being passed along? After you had already sent them or as they were being sent? I guess my point is if you knew they were being passed along, why did you keep sending her emails? If you didn't know but found out later, then that is a different story.

What your SIL did was horrible and uncalled for but gossip does happen in large families. You need to find a way to get past this because you still have other family memebers that you will interact with. Be the bigger person and let it go. Even laugh about it or make jokes yourself around the others. If you hold on to it, they will hold on to it. If you let it go, you will not only feel better, but they will see you as a strong person who really isn't all those things she was trying to make you out to be. It sounds like Jan has some insecurities of her own which is probably why she is now divorced and was doing these things in the first place.

Hi S.,

I once took a class that helped me through some of these things that really upset me. It is called color code. I am Blue/White, with Blue being my primary color (there are 4). I was asked about 75 questions about childhood and what I think. A blue person is very trusting, yet once the trust is betrayed...it is over. White is quiet and to themselves. It sounds like you have a great deal of blue in you.

While I don't buy into a lot of categorizing, it was pretty dead on, although I did think I had a bit more party in me then what the chart showed :)

So you are done with them...move on. You can't change that she is your sister in law, but you have to deal with her from time to time. During those times, put your game face on and enjoy the party/event. I know it can be stressful, but it is much more healthy to let it go. I am not saying forget it and get over it, but let it go.

No one is going to tell you want to hear in the way you want to hear it. If they did, you wouldn't be happy with that either. As for Jan, she is no loss as you knew she couldn't be trusted and she is now gone.

You can't change or mold people, so hold on to what you believe in, know who you can(not) trust, and live your life. You are allowing them to control you, which is not cool!