Mad wife...again....will This Ever End?

If you're putting 110% into your marriage, you need to stop thinking divorce. Put that option OUT of your mind. You have not tried everything. Until you have, divorce should not be an option. Counseling does work, and please do try it.

As for the birthday... I'm sorry I'm not bashing you, but it sounds like you did something really passive aggressive by deliberately not buying him what he actually wanted, and spending all that money the way YOU wanted to spend it. All he wanted was the gun. You and his parents obviously spent a lot of money on his birthday (gourmet cake, gourmet food, expensive liquor and wine, chocolates, cologne... that stuff isn't cheap), so why couldn't you just buy him the dang gun??? Because you were being passive aggressive is why.

Listen... I do think he's being selfish. And ungrateful. But you're being selfish too. Don't overlook that.

Please get into counseling now. Bringing a newborn into the mix will only make things worse. You need to get a handle on it right away.

ETA: Not wanting him to have a gun because of anger issues and a drug problem are VERY different than not wanting him to have a gun because he's selfish and spends too much money. If that's the reason, you need to address that. All I'm saying is it's obvious to me that he's not the only problem in the marriage. When I read your posts (this one, and the others too), it sounds like you're mothering him. Maybe he acts like a child (sounds like he does), but you're NOT his mother. You don't "allow" your husband to buy things. You don't tell him to "save up his own money" for things. It's a marriage. His opinions matter too, even if he does smoke pot behind your back. Yes, PLEASE, please seek counseling. For BOTH of you.

I highly suggest the book, "Co-dependent No More." It has been a very valuable resource for me.
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-You...

Look sister, I'm going to say this even though it might sting. Please know I'm not trying to put you down, I am trying to be helpful. I see you pointing fingers, hoping up and down mad. It's him, him, him and what you did to try to deal with him, him, him.

Now, let's say he is the biggest jerk. It's more than possible.

Still, what is going to be productive for YOU to do at this time? Hold onto resentment? Try to control his actions, reactions, and feelings? Or do you think it might be more productive to look into your own internal space, find emotional solutions for yourself, own your feelings (no one gets to MAKE you feel any way - help us to feel a way? You bet. But those feelings are all our own.)

No matter how much of a selfish jerk he is or is not, you get to work on you. You get to decide to be happy or not. You get to hold onto your resentment and to lash out or not. You get to not change your actions or change your behaviors. You don't get to make him change. So focus on yourself. How can you help yourself grow? How can you improve your communication skills? How can YOU do YOU better? If he's a rageaholic and/or an addict and your not going to leave, you still need a plan for you. A plan to help you live and flourish. I suggest you find internal resolution. Learn how to swim before you jump out of the boat.

I guess I want to mention one last thing, which is that we all contribute our own unique perspective. That's what is special about this site. When I feel angry at one of the responses I try to ask myself, "what's that about?" Did it strike a chord? Is there any truth to what they say? Does this mirror my insecurities but not the reality? What bothers me here? You get to choose to do what you want around responses you get that you don't like, and also, from my perspective lashing out at fellow MP mamas ain't cool.

I hope you have a healthy delivery and a blessed time getting to know your newborn. Take care of yourself sister.

Just so you know, I read your post and didn't assume you were overly hormonal from pregnancy, passive-aggressive or "mothering" him.

I'm sorry, but what I thought after reading your post was how incredibly immature and selfish this man sounds.

After reading your updates, I added mean and abusive to the list.

Do not buy him a gun.

I can't tell you what to do but your description of your husband is so far off the mark of what I personally expect (and value) from my relationship with my husband, that I cannot imagine your marriage ever being fulfilling. I'm so sorry to say that.

I agree with the other posters that you both need marriage counseling as well as independent therapy.

If he will not go to therapy, you will eventually need to leave. Even if you can somehow find his rude, ungrateful, immature behavior tolerable, throwing things at you and threatening you will never, EVER be tolerable.

Honestly, if I were you I would be talking with my parents (sounds like they are in town) and seeing if I could move back in for a while. Do your parents know he is abusive?

You will need help with the newborn so leaving right now to be on your own sounds really tough.... Maybe you and the kids staying with your parents for a while would be best....see how counseling goes.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would encourage you to stay strong. Everything you wrote sounds logical and normal. Don't lose your self confidence or allow your thoughts to be twisted by others that say you are part of the problem for not making him strawberry cake (seriously???).
Sadly, you are in an abusive relationship and need a plan to fix things or get out.

My vote is GET OUT and work on things from a distance. Protect yourself and your kids. If he is worth anything, he needs to prove it.

Good luck.

Have the baby, heal, and then look back at this. Sorry but I can't look at this and tell you what is the baby talking and what is him being a jerk. If we can't, you can't so table it and have the baby. It isn't like anything is going anywhere.

Looking at the other comments was I the only one who caught she is 39 weeks pregnant?! Did you all forget what it was like to be 39 weeks pregnant? Air got on my nerves at 39 weeks! My ex avoided me like the plague! My kids hid in closets! This is seriously not a conversation that should be going on at 39 weeks pregnant!

After reading your what happened: I don't think anyone here is on his side, all I see is people saying consider his side. You are very pregnant, none of us would consider that our finest hour, just wait a few weeks and see if you still feel the same. If you do I would imagine you will get very different responses. :)

I agree with Nikki G. I thought the same thing when reading your post. For all the money you spent on the clothes, cologne, alcohol (?!), and gourmet food you probably were close to the $350 ($450 - the $100 from your parents) the gun would have cost you.

It sounds like you are not on the same page financially. If you didn't have the $185 he spent on clothing than why did you continue to spend money on his birthday party and presents?

You also seem to have communication issues despite your 'great conversations'. Did he tell you he wanted strawberry cake? Does he even like chocolate cake? I agree that it does sound like you are being passive aggressive.

Finally I was curious how much alcohol plays a part in your relationship. Does it help fuel this fire?

I agree that either both of you need to go to counseling to resolve these underlying issues. If you can't get him to go than you need to start going yourself and see where it takes you.

Girl - you are PREGNANT!!! I never made it to 39 weeks - all of mine were early. but i remember EXACTLY what got on my nerves - EVERYTHING
...and I mean EVERYTHING....

here's MY take:
1. it's HIS birthday. Not yours. HIS. So sorry - if his favorite cake is pound cake - or strawberry cake - that's what he gets. yeah - he might like the one you bought but sorry it's HIS birthday...he gets his favorite in my book. Not what I **THINK** he'll like - but HIS favorite.

2. he wanted a gun - YOU think he has anger issues...does he? or is this pregnancy hormones? Has he hit you? Has he thrown something at you? What makes you think he has anger issues?

3. If he spent money - what's the big deal? Did it cause the account to go negative? Did it cause a bill not be paid in full? if so, THEN I would be upset.

4. it's HIS birthday. Did he want "gourmet" sandwiches? or was it what YOU wanted? I think he had every right to complain. It's HIS birthday.

you state there are more issues here. I am sure there are. You might consider counseling to get to the root of the problem before you hurl divorce out there...and I wouldn't do ANYTHING until the baby is at least a year old...you have "Irish Twins" - back to back babies...that's enough stress to test ANY marriage.

I see in your SWH that you state he is smoking pot behind your back. Do you have an arrangement or agreement on this? If he was doing it before you married - you accepted it then or what?

Bottom line is your are pregnant and you have another baby...11 months old..you moved.. your life is huge upheaval and hormones are all over the place.

don't make ANY decisions about divorce until after the NEW baby is a year old...unless of course he is hitting you or the children...then leave. but if not...get counseling...get on the same page....it's tough when kids come back to back like that.

Lord. I wonder how much he spent on the weed. smh. I think the weed smoking has a lot to do with his issues as of lately. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have n o advice to offer you-only support. I have been there too. I had to leave-he had to lose everything for him to wake up. I was in your situation for 4 years b4 it got better. Drugs are drugs, they screw with people and they ruin families. I hope it gets better for you soon.

Nikki G hit on some points. In no way is his reaction your fault, but it could have been avoided to some extent.

I agree that his party was about what you wanted to do. I've been that type of situation a few times. After 22 years of marriage it is bound to happen, and we don't always like each other. That's the way marriage is.

You could have handled this one of two ways. If you really didn't have the money for a gun (something my husband would have asked for), then you could have contributed all of the money you spent on all of the other stuff to a fund, and then had your parents do the same. I would have made the yucky cake, invited just your parents and maybe his over for a simple meal. Sang Happy Birthday and gave him a card with the money so he could save towards what it is he really wanted.

Or you could have gone the route of nothing. This would have been a bit crappy, but at least he wasn't getting a bunch of 'stuff' he really didn't want and maybe need.

Get into counseling, so far everything you complain about is small beans. You guys need an outsider to help both of you to learn to communicate better.

My honest opinion is I think you set him up to be mad about his birthday.

You decided you didn't want to get him the knife, yet spent almost as much as it would have cost for other gifts that you knew he didn't like or want. You bought him a gourmet cake instead of the simple Better Crocker cake he really wanted. You shut out your parents and told THEM not to get him what he wanted...so ya, I would be a little disappointed and pissed to.

We don't play games with each other like this at our house. Like some of the others said, it may be your pregnancy talking and no one blames you for that. But you need to do everything you can to save this marriage and start by looking at yourself to see what YOU can do better.

I would wait until some time after you have the baby, which will be hard because that is not an easy time on a marriage either. But first check into counceling and get help. Good luck.

This might sound stupid but for someone's birthday the favored cake flavor may make the difference. Yes, you do not like strawberry, but it WASN'T your birthday.

At our house the birthday person gets to pick the cake and dinner. Simple but it is a birthday for the honoree.

To me it sounds like lots of immaturity, too much alcohol and two people who don't listen to each other. I'm not sure what your birthday was like but if you knew he liked strawberry cake - even if you don't like it - just make it. Making cake from a cake mix isn't hard and it costs ALOT less than the chocolate ganache cake. Seems to me you, being ready to have that baby just wanted some chocolate. I know my husband is not a huge chocolate fan and would much rather have had a gross sweet packaged cake. Bleah - but it's not my birthday. Was he being rude when he made the cake comment - yeah - but was that out of character for him?

I feel the same way about the take-out food. If you're on a tight budget burgers & dogs on the grill - even take out pizza would have been a more budget conscious option. And as for family birthday party - on his 30th birhtday my husband would have been far more happy to have me sing happy birthday over a cupcake and open gifts, then watch TV than to have my parents (his in-laws) over for dinner after working all day. Even dinner out would have probably cost less than having family over.

I think there's a lot more going on here than meets the eye. Seems to me both of you are more interested in what you want than what's best for each other and your marriage. Love is not selfish (from one of the most read passages at weddings 2 Corinthians 13). If you begin to act in your husband's best interests you'll find that he will do the same towards you. We wives have more power than we realize.

I wouldn't say it's time for divorce - but it's definitely time for counseling and if he won't join you go on your own. You'll learn best how to deal with him. Most men need the refinement that a wife brings to the relationship - but you guys gotta work together and give to each other. Most men are immature long after their wife has grown up - expecially if there are children. Moms have to become self-less - it takes much longer for men to get there. But consider that he's in training - and a good worker needs to be trained for a long time. Don't push him away and let some other woman get the benefit of all that training you've put in...

okay.....sit down and take a deep breadth..................you are 39 weeks pregnant for goodness sake........so you husband is your best friend but has lately started going on shopping sprees and acting immature....was he always like this...I thinking little shades of this was always there but now maybe the stress of having a baby is just making him act out...sort of like what little kids would do when they go from being an only child to having a sibling....sometimes men are just BIG babies. I had a similar birthday incident with my husband the first year we were married....and quickly realized that I needed to celebrate his birthday the way he wanted to and not the way I thought he would like to..if he like the sh***y strawberry cake then get that or make it....
I would NOT consider divorce at the point where you are at in your marriage. Having another baby causes stress on all marriages let alone ones that are a bit shaky to begin with. Please please consider counselling and I am sure with the right counselor you guys will be able to work these issues out.........

You are over-functioning. Stop it.

A relationship requires effort on the part of both people. When one takes over for the other's lack of effort, you have a mess, not a relationship.

Calculate how much money your husband spends on gifts for himself and set aside the same amount to get counseling for yourself. Forget about marriage counseling for now, find someone who will work with just you for now. If there is money available for him to splurge, you can find the money to do this for yourself and your children.

Counseling for you even if it is without him. There are tons of methods and strategies that can be done to encourage your husband toward positive change. You need to learn a whole lot more.

Make not final decisions while you are still pregnant or post partum either. Get some serious counseling and do the hard work and when you change he may very well change too.

The book Co-Dependent No More may help you but bonified counseling and doing the self work will help so much too.

Congrats on your bundle of love and get yourself some peace. Focus on having this baby and give yourself time to work through a counseling program.

UPDATED
I just read your SWH. This statement has me most concerned: "YES my husband has thrown things at me, probably one thing I hate most about him when he gets very angry. He told me once that "If you piss me off enough, and your gonna call the cops on me for something, I am going to punch you, and when I do I will make sure to knock all your front teeth out" He told me that about 2 weeks ago."

With that in mind, plan your work and work your plan. People say what they mean and mean what they say. I learned that from my mother and from the Bible (out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks). Get in touch with a woman's shelter and get the heck out of there. Get out of there before the baby comes, get out of there before the week ends, just get the heck out of there. This relationship with him is not healthy for your or your children so plan you exodus and get the heck out of there. Still do counseling but definitely get out of there before he follows through on his words. Eventually he will hit you and the kids too. PLEASE GET OUT.

Well I might not know anything but I have been with my husband for 10 years married for almost 7...

You should NOT have told his parents he wasn't getting the gun anymore...that was not your place...

If you have not talked and agree'd on what is an appropriate amount of money that can be spent without spouses consent then you can't really get mad at him for spending $60 three different times. We have an agree'd $20 budget if it costs more you have to have approval (this works for us) it may be a different amount for you. This of course doesn't count on things like gas.

If his favorite cake is a awful tasking cake in a box then make it for his birthday...I have to say I got pretty mad when it was my birthday a few months back and my husband was trying to confince me to go to a different restaurant because he didn't like the one I choose...dude it's my birthday if you don't like the food dont eat it :)

You got him an expensive cake (Im guessing $30ish) $100 in gifts, plus your in-laws $100, and then what $40 for sandwiches. that is $270 towards his gun...then let him use his allowance to save up for the rest...anyhow you are in late pregnancy and your hormones are all crazy give the guy a break and most importantly sit down and communicate about your finances...listen to each other and come to agreements. You'll never make it if you nitpick about everthing and don't listen to him...you seem to have already known what his favorite cake was so why on earth did you go and buy some fancy chocolate cake...doesn't make sense.

You both need counseling. Please. If he won't go, go yourself and find a workable path for your life. In my experience, no one person is responsible for ALL of the problems in a relationship. (I say this as a divorced and remarried person, who knows from whence she speaks and is willing to own her own 'stuff'/baggage..whatever you want to call it.)

Either you both need to learn better ways of communicating and responding to each other, or for the sake of your child(ren), you should part ways. Being a single mom is hard work, I'm not denying that, but do you want your kids recreating these relationship dynamics in their relationships?

What attracted you to this type of person? What was your childhood like? How long did you guys date first?

I would go to counseling, first for myself and then together. It sounds like there are underlying issues . . . it's hard for anybody to say what you should do.

Sorry you're going through this - hope it gets better. <3

I am sorry to hear your story. It resonates with me. Your husbands responses remind me of responses I have heard from my own husband........."Why'd you pick the black-faced pocket watch rather than the blue?" "What made you think to buy this??!!" "Turkey is my least favorite lunch meat, why did you buy this?"

I've wanted to leave for a long time - not just for the above but for his spending and lack of being an adult but, I have a 2.5 year old and a 5.5 challenging child.......although he doesn't really 'help' he is at least a second set of hands so that I can go grocery shopping or make meetings I need to go to, etc. Sad, I didn't think I'd be in my mid-thirties and feeling this way about my life........

He sounds like he needs to do some more maturing. He sounds very childish and selfish from what you describe.

I don't necessarily think its grounds for a divorce but I do think possibly looking into counseling wouldn't hurt.

Sorry. It sounds like there is more going on with him. Depression? Addiction? Hates his life? Is it possible he is using more than pot? Many people use pot to try to self medicate when they are suffering from depression or other problem. Something to make him SO miserable that he is making his pregnant wife miserable. Has his personality changed over the years or has he always been like this and you are expecting more from him as your family grows. (Realistic on your part, just wondering if he is changing or just your life is changing)I really hope you can him to go to counseling tell him his choices are counseling with you or without you. If he is angry with you he might choose without you, if he thinks your the problem he might choose with you and Either way he gets into counseling :)

Sorry C. - think the smoking behind your back and changed him and made him a selfish brat. Wonder if he knows that if you did call the cops and then he hit you and did that damage, his rear would be in the slammer! Stay safe - he is already slipping further and further down an abusive trail.

39 weeks into the pregnancy is a stressful time for all involved. Yes, your husband was acting childishly, but then, I think you were somewhat at fault too. Is it worth divorcing or separating over? No (at least not based just on this scenario).

My husband is always spending money on "extras." If it were my husband that did what yours did, I would have just said, "Honey, I'm sorry we couldn't get you the gun for your birthday since you spent the money on that other stuff, but we can at least put $XX amount toward it"

I think it probably bothered him that everyone could have saved money by not buying stuff he didn't want and put it toward what he *did* want. Especially since you mentioned that his "selfish spending" was the issue. And I would have just made the strawberry cake. It costs less AND it's his favorite? That's a no brainer...especially if you wanted to do something "special" for his birthday.

Counseling works best if both parties agree to work on the marriage. It's definitely worth a shot.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I know you will not have the time or resources to do this, but I think you would really benefit from attending Al-anon meetings. Your husband sounds like an addict. Or at least he has the personality of one. He takes no responsibility for his actions and blames everyone else for his problems.

At the very least, you should visit the Al-anon website. It might make you feel a little better just knowing that you aren't the only one who is in your situation, and that his behavior is not your fault.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Don't bother with a divorce just yet unless he is running the bank accounts completely dry. Paying for two households will probably be worse than staying with him for now.

Your parents are nearby, right? Maybe they can come watch the kids when the baby is older so you and/or your husband can go through counseling. You sound like you are giving up too much of yourself for a man who acts more childish the more you are forced to act like his mother. This needs to C..

For now, try to take care of yourself and your sweet babies. Ignore your husband's behavior -- good and bad. He is sending you on a rollercoaster on a daily basis with his mood swings and spending sprees. If you don't already have one, open up a separate bank account in your name only. (Don't let him turn this into a trust issue. It is a matter of practicality.) Let him spend what little is left in your joint bank account and suffer the consequences It will get way worse with a divorce anyway.

Make a plan for your worst case scenario (leaving him and staying with your parents?) and then take a deep breath, relax, and get ready for that baby to come. You're almost there. You can do it. Good luck!

I haven't read any other posts that you've written, but you sound like a pregnant woman with a new baby in this post. You and hubby haven't even adjusted to baby number one. Do I know people who had divorced over this kind of stuff? Yes. Do I think they were right? No. My husband and I have been at what felt like the bitter end plenty of times. Right now, he is my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him. New babies bring out the crazies in all of us. Many of us have hard times adjusting to the new schedule, new finances, and - most importantly - the change in our relationships with others.

As for specifics, I think you both could have done things differently. If you knew his favorite cake was strawberry, why splurge on an "excellent gourmet chocholate ganache cake". If he only wants one thing for his birthday, why not get him a gift card to the place where he can get it? It seems to me that you did what you wanted for his birthday not what he wanted. He obviously had his expectations too high and when things didn't go his way, he spiraled downward instead of deciding to make the best of things.

In my opinion, he is now second to the baby and about to become third. He is acting out childishly. That doesn't mean that you should throw your marriage out the window if you really have "great conversations, great times together" and he's your "best friend"... However, most people I know that are talking about divorce are already on the road to divorce.

Hell I can completely ruin dinner and my husband wouldn't react that way!
You're right, he does sound quite selfish. Maybe you should have made the 'favorite' cake, but I understand your reasoning behind the cake you did get. I usually ask my husband what he wants to avoid disappointing situations like what you described.
Bottom line: You deserve to be treated better. Could you stay with family for a month? Just leave for a small amount of time. Give him time to miss you. If he doesn't treat you with respect then you have two choices.. 1) Stay or 2) Leave.
I would never stay, regardless of how many children I had or how young they were. That environment is not healthy for anyone.

I didnt read all of ur responses, but from reading you "what happened...?"

Seriosuly people are going to say you should've have made him his fav cake? WHAT? How about he should be grateful that you put forth a pretty nice effort! You have a baby nd are about to have another, and this SOB is gonna pick apart what you DIDNT do for him? SERIOUSLY???

I despise the mentality that some women have that men need to be "babied, coddled, nurtured...." B.S.
On our birthday when they dont make or buy a cake, thats ok...they don't know any better. When they pick up some random last minute garbage that we absolutely do not want we are supposed to just smile and appreciate it. BULL!!!
I know there are some men on here, and Im not looking to offend any of them. Because all men are not like this. But I find it annoying women are jumping on your insensitive husbands bandwagon sticking up for him! He was rude, selfish and unappreciative. Which most of us are NEVER allowed to be!
Obviously there are many underlying issues here. This is just an xample of salt iin the wound. You need to evaluate whats going on here, and think of the chances of him changing. Irresponsible spending, AND smoking pot behind your back on top of his juvenile behavior?? Id be removing myself from this situation if I could. he needs a reality check.
Good luck Mama :)

I think you both need to have a serious talk with each other. There are issues going on here. I think there is more to the story. Anger? Pot smoking? Was baby #2 expected or surprise? I ask because he may not have been ready for baby #2 and feels like he was stud of the world and now he is mini van dad. Doesn't excuse this behavior but could be part of it.

I actually don't have an issue with how you did his party. He didn't keep his end of the deal. He was to save up for the gun and then what was left would be paid from money from his birthday. Instead he bought boots, shirt etc. So there ya go. Personally, I wouldn't have bought anything except a card and I would have let it be known to him that what he purchased was his birthday present. I completely understand that at 39 weeks you don't want to bake a cake. I totally get that.

I think you both need counseling. I don't know if he is ready for this new addition but he doesn't have a choice. I also think that you are very preggers and freaking out as well. Don't make any decisions until after the baby is born and you get settled in. Then, decide.

When I was married we were great together, then I had our son. That is when things changed. He got jealous of the baby, he then started acting like an immature man and spent money on himself like crazy, spent his one day off a week with friends instead of with me and our son, he would come home and tell me he "could" of cheated on me that night, and to top it off, he told me that me and our son were cramping his artistic style by being there with him, and that is when I left him. The issues no matter how hard I tried to work on them with him just kept getting bigger and he just didn't want to work on anything with me. I tried to make my marriage work until my son was almost two. I just couldn' t stay with a man who treated me like I didn't exsist and I didn't want my son to start thinking that was the way to treat anyone if we stayed with him. I guess it really is up to what you feel in your gut, not just emotions but look at everything and decided what is best for your well being and that of your children. Divorce stinks, and it's hard.

Suggest counseling and see what he says. If he says no, or that there is no reason to need counseling, then there are bigger issues at play.

If you feel that you just can't live with this man any longer, then tell him you're going to stay with your parents for a while. I'm sure if your parents knew the way he's treating you and the way he's behaving, they wouldn't mind having you and the kids for a time. Maybe, with you being gone, he'll realize just how much you do and he'll agree to try counseling.

I have read your follow-up and see how upset you are. I agree your husband sounds as if he is being selfish. Some people just are. My FIL is the same way. No matter what anyone does for him, there is something not good enough about it. When is it time for a separation/divorce is a question that only you can answer. I am separated from my husband right now and we are going to be divorced. He is not abusives, he is a great dad and would do anything for us. The problem is I don't love him. I don't know why. I just know that I don't and I don't want my kids thinking that is how relationships should be. I want to be the best parent I can be and part of that is to hopefully teach my kids that it is important for everyone to be happy (including mom) and to choose to be with someone because you love them. There was no love in our house. We both were very respectful of each other, but there was no spark. I knew this, but it took me a while before I was able to admit it to myself and I was afraid of the consequences....caring for 2 young children and financially. My husband did all of the cooking so I would have to learn how to do that and he was a great help with all aspects of the kids from baths to football games to ouchies. We separated in January. We both talk to the kids everyday. We rotate visitation every 3 days and both go to all kid events. The kids are not thrilled about the situation, but we both talk to them about whatever they ask and I know I am a better parent now. I enjoy them more too because I am just happier in general. There is no more pretending I am happy or arguing with myself that it is ok to just be stuck somewhere for the good of others and not want more for myself. I also felt guilty that I did not reciprocate the feelings toward my husband. He is a good person that deserves someone who loves him as much as he loves me.

It is difficult figuring out how I am going to get the kids somewhere because of me working or when to find time to go to the grocery store (which I never did until now) and I do struggle somedays, but I am glad I finally made the decision. Like I said, only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate versus what you want out of your life. I couldn't tolerate our life anymore. I want to experience being excited about the husband coming home from work or a special date night.

It took me 4 years to finally make the decision because I wanted to be sure. There was no going back. We tried marriage counseling before I made the decision, but I already knew in my heart what was right. He is still a good dad to the kids which is what matters.

I vaguely remember your last rant on here about your husband. I know he's been spending too much money when really that money is needed to pay for bills and to provide for your family and kids.

I can understand that all too well. I have an 8 month old son, my husband has been off work for almost 10 months but he is getting unemployment. He was in a IT program and recently received his A+ certification and is looking for a job but even receiving unemployment things are tight. Add on to that day care which costs like $200 a week. There are days that I want to pull my hair out because I don't always know where the money is going to come from. We have pretty much ate through our savings and that makes me even more stress. So I understand all to well about having a husband that spends way too much.

With mine it is like he sees that there is money in the bank and it means he can spend. NO. It means we have money until I pay the bills and then we have nothing. I've told him many times don't touch the account. What does he do? He touches the account. "Oh I was hungry" We have food in the fridge. His response "I wanted a hot cooked meal" Sigh. I've heard it all.

He sees the debit card as a magic money card and uses it like there's an endless supply of money on the other side of it. I've gotten on him about going to a Chase bank so we don't get charge the additional fees. I've gotten on him about taking money from savings-as if that is okay. So I can understand where you are coming from.

With all of that said. Yes your husband is selfish. He should be thankful that you threw him a party. He should be thankful that you thought of him and got him stuff. He shouldn't say "Where's my gun?" or "You didn't get me a strawberry cake?" He should be thankful that even through things are tight that you still thought of him. And he's not thankful. You are also perfectly right when you say he only thinks of himself because he does.

It's taken me a long time for my husband to listen to me in regards to money and we still fight about it. He calls me a Money Nazi. And perhaps I am but at least we have money in the bank account.

He has called me cheap in the past and has complained how he gives me these very thoughtful gifts, and expensive gifts and I get him the cheapest thing I can find. In my way I think the gifts I give him are thoughtful but we have a difference of opinion on that. And maybe I am cheap but again bills and family come first before anything else.

I can feel your frustration. My husband and I almost split once for other reasons but worked it out. And I would say the same for you and your husband. Do what you can to work this out. You love him. He loves you. You have kids together so why not try and see if you can work it out. And if you can't then think about what to do next, but at least say that you have tried.

Something my pastor told my husband and I when we were going through premarital counseling is not to have the word divorce in our vocabulary. That way we won't be tempted to say it, to throw that word out like a threat etc. My husband and I are stuck with each other. I drive him nuts. He drives me nuts, and it works for us.

With the money, I have my husband do the budget with me. I sit down and pour over the bills and what we spend and what we take in a month to stress the money issue to him. It's taken years mind you, but he is understanding it. Doesn't mean he likes it and if he sees something he wants he is able to frame from getting it but it's getting better. I've even had him keep a log of how much he is spending (which also has helped).

Having a gun in the house-yeah we have one. The bullets are kept out of the gun. But I grew up knowing there were guns in the house but I never knew where. That is a preference thing and a guy thing. I did tell my husband when we could afford it we are getting a gun safe. No way will I have a gun in my house otherwise when he is older.

Now I don't know, but are you working? Is he? Most employers have so many free visits with a counselor. It's something to look into. Or even find one and see what one visit costs. Just go one time and see if it does anything.

My best friend recently dragged her husband to one-for other reasons. And one visit helped her a lot, especially to understand him better and why he does what he does. But they are expecting their first child so things have improved.

Don't give up. Not yet at least.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Hve you considered moving in with your parents for awhile. Even with a new baby they could help, it would give the situation space and perspective for both.

I'm anti divorce. So I would try to work it out. Listen, your guy sounds like an ____@____.com have a baby comig and that's enough work as it is. I would imagine your emotions and reactions, while justified, are making things worse. Think of it, if you are constantly fighting and nagging and whatever, would you be nice? It is him don't get me wrong, but try just being pleasant. I'm not saying he wasn't a you know what but maybe chocolate cake is your dads favorite. Maybe he thinks you treat him like his mom. You could try nicely asking him why he kept mentioning the cake. And keep it calm. Don't bring up the gun, that was last week.

Just some thoughts. But maybe he feels like u are being his
Mom not his wife, and acting like a child in response

Again I'm really sorry. This stress is bad and you will only be more stressed.