My 14 year old son, who is just closing his 7th grade year, has been struggling academically for years, the public school he was attending in 3rd grade was asked to test him for LD, He wasn't tested until the end of 5th grade. They didn't have the time, and tested him as soon as they could, he didn't quailfy for any assistance because of the results, he had just made the cut. A year later, his pediatrician helped me get him teseted again usuing Woodcock Johnson test and IQ. His scores revieled he had an IQ 0f 84 and his low achievement scores were consistant with his IQ, so it again was determined he didn't have a LD, and not to expect grades from him abouve 70, which would be a great grade for him even with him trying. It was also recomended that I homeschool him since I work at night, this would allow the individual attention and not preasure him to perform at the level that his class mates would. Well, I have been homeschooling him now for two years. He lacks motivation with everything, not just academics. He doesnt do more than expected, or even tries, and the work that he does is just enough to say he did it but not complete or even done right. Unless I hold his hand through everything, it is not done. This goes with chores, school work, everything. He seems depressed, not happy with anything around him, he has a brother (5 years older) which seems to be the only thing he cares about, along with is bio mom who has just enterd his life 3 years ago, but is not active at all, she didn't even call him on his birthday. So the lack of motivations with scool, doesn't seem like just a school issue but a rebellios one, and the lack of other interest, is this a reaction to the rejection he has been offered by his bio mom, who by the way has had a relationshp with my sons older brother the whole time. This letter is poorly written, I aplogise, I am just as confused and unsure as it sounds. I just want my son to be happy and feel proud of him self, reassured that we love him, but it is not what he wants, he rejects all of our efforts. My daughter who is also 14 is worried about him, because o his mood swings, we don't think he is doing drugs, not while he is al home ,but when he is away??? Many I speak to about this said it is just a normal teen boy stage, but is it? with all the other issues? Should I take him to a psycologst to get him evaulated? or would they automatically medicate which seems to be the norm. I am going to speak to his pediatrician during his next wellness exam, this month, just in case. Well any ideas on how to handle all the rebellion, and lack of interest with chores and scool work. How to encourgage him as a memeber of our family, and support for his emotional turmoil would be greatful. He is a great kid, all that meet him thin so, he has many friends (none that ever come over) but how he talks to all the time via text. Even the adults he meets think he is a sweet kid,which he is, he is good at hiding his pain to others. At home he is quick to explode, in fury, hitting things, swearing, trowing stuff. I am adding more as I try to close as it comes to mind, sorry.
An Edit to my original request:
We have decided to homeschool because the public school system was just pushing him through, and kept denying our requests for assistance. We are active paricipants in several homeschool groups, as well as our church youth program, and sports. I need to restste the "friends" thing: He has several friends, mostly girls, of which I do know, my daughter s also friends with them, but they do not come to the home. The only guy friend my son is interested in is his cousin or brother. He is friendly with more just doenst want to take the time to get to know them. His father spend alone time with him frequently hunting or fishing, more than some kids. But the whole bio mom/brother thing is what I believe the issue. He will actually not see them for months and all will be fine, academis, family skills; but than he go over there for a wekend , and when he returns a majr chip is on his shoulder, and he takes it out on everyone. We ALL ry to understand and give him time, but, he needs to realize what he is doing, so yeah, someone to talk to about this besides family would be a good thing. Does this happen though? I bring him to a doctor and after a few weeks he opens up?Still worth the effort. We want our happy go lucky boy back, he used to be so happy before. It is sad to see him so angry and wanting to be loved by one who so obviously does not care. Well if I can pull more thought into this I will. Thank you for taking the time t read and respond with your feedback.
The best suggestion I could possibly give would be to read John Rosemond. You can get a feel for him at his website, with his weekly column (rosemond.com). He has a number of excellent books, including Teen Proofing, 6 Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children, and Ending the Homework Hassle.
I would definately find a very nice and talented child therapist. He needs counciling help dealing with his bio-mom and sibiling issues. Therapy will free up his mind and give him hope for his future. It will help him put things into perspective and get him back on track. No matter how hard you try, you can't help him yourself. Just be patient and supportive. Try to be encouraging rather than frustrated. It may take several therpist interviews to find the right one. My father was a depressed and learning disabled teen but he went to college and became sucessful in his own time. His mother was always there for him.
A psychologist can not and does not prescribe medication - they are therapists.
A psychiatrist prescribes meds, and generally dont offer much in the way of actual therapy.
Take him to a PSYCHOLOGIST to get some therapy - it sounds like depression and it sounds like he has a lot of reasons for being depressed. If the psychologist thinks that your son could benefit from medication to be used while he is also receiving therapy, the psychologist will recommend that you see a psychiatrist. A psychologist can also offer you suggestion on parenting skills/techniques to use that may help him. Dont take this as an insult to your parenting - the doctor may just know techniques that work with particular issues, or things we never think to try (the weirdest stuff is what works sometimes!)
I hope you are able to find him the help he needs, it sounds like it's affecting the whole family.
I encourage you to take this boy to an appropriate therapist, and make it clear on the front end that you are looking for counseling and coping tools, not medication.
If he's put on meds at this age, he will never be able to get health insurance as an adult unless he's working for a company with a group policy (something the Drs. fail to inform the parents about).
He's dealing with a lot ... birth mother, change in body chemistry, all this information on the mental evaluation ... have you read the book, "Emotional Intelligence?" It's an interesting take that in many ways turns on its ear the whole "IQ" testing thing.
Also, does he have anything - sports, arts, music - that he excels at? I would make sure that's in his life every day in some way. That will build his self esteem. Mastery of anything will build his self confidence.
Best of luck!
CeceD
It sounds like he could be suffering from depression. Depression is an illness just like high blood pressure or epililepsy. If your child had these you would not think twice about giving them medication. He may also be frustrated because he can't do things as easily as others. My youngest brother is mentally challenged. His IQ is just below the normal range. HE is now 34. He cannot read but if you write down words he can copy them into an email or on the computer. Sometimes now and often when he was a teenager he would get frustrated if he could not do something. My brother just had anger issues that we would try to talk to him after he cooled off. Talk to his regular doctor. He migh do better with a therapist that he could talk to. It sounds like he needs to talk about how he is feeling with all the things going on in his life. IT IS easier to talk to a stranger that does not judge vs. someone in your family who is connected to the issues.
T.,
I so feel your pain....about me...I am 52yrs old, a stay at home mom who worked 20 years as nurse (Intensive Care Nursery) until both my daughters were flunking in school (4th and 6th grade at the time)...We did the pyschologist route differently with each...both are now doing well (16 yrs old and a senior, 18 yrs old). Both, struggled with depression in middle school, have ADHD and are very bright. I was told that one did not care to learn, so basically quit trying so hard...I was told to homeschool also, but would probably have failed... What I found is this nugget of wisdom.....don't focus so much on academics, but find one thing that your son can do well and support him in doing that in every way you can...enlist others to help...especially siblings...they can be amazing support ... find your child strengths and focus on the sucesses... remember that there are many types of "smarts"... many of the genius level IQ smart people can not relate to people or do ordinary life skills, ie. keep a job... Usually you find that the kids that have LDs, which is about 30% of kids with ADHD, will also have more empathy for others and often have creative gifts like art, music, writing etc. They may not be able to spell, but we have spell check these days and calculators. If one person believes in a person, then they can make it..... never take away outdoor time, play, etc. because you need to spend more time on studies... modify the work... the frustration with just trying so hard to keep up with peers and cover up the LDs is exhausting and the family catches it...depression usually follows the high degree of frustration and anger...also hormones wreck havoc...They call that one area of success, an "Island of Competency". You don't have to be good at everything....school is usually the hardest place some kids will ever be...and Middle School is the worst. Another thing, home school kids are wonderful, but often become socially isolated, so guard against this. Be creative in looking for what your child enjoys and is good at....animals? cooking? building or even taking things apart...strength....persistence?
Hang in there...Tricia
Hi T.,
It sounds like things are pretty rough right now. The only thing I can think to say is if you aren't already doing this, I don't know, but encourage him! He has probably already given up on himself. Tell him you love him, you love the way he sees the world, and the way he thinks. Love and encouragement can go a long way. I'll be praying for your family.
T.
My heart goes out to you. I think you need some help for yourself. Educating and parenting and a job is not doable. I think you need to make some changes and you either delegate, hire help or use the free services that are available. Your 14 y.o. needs a peer group. You need to learn how to advocate for your son. He is entitled to a free and public education. There is a trend in home schooling, but educating a child is a huge undertaking. Not only do you learn academics, but you have your social life in school.I have worked with many students. Not only is your son slow but he lacks to ability to grasp some difficult concepts. Most people lack the ability at some level.Do you understand what I am saying? Normal is an average. Your child is below average. I am above average, but I was average in law school. I might fail in advanced matematics. A valid opinion on this subject is a lenthy one.
I worked with children by focusing on what they could vs what they should do. Many very good schools have bad programs for special needs children.Schools say every child can learn. Giving the idea that every child can be successful with the grade level curriculum, and it just isn't true.
You need to look for all the help that you deserve from your public school system. You need to look for a peer group and all recreational and social opportnities that your public schools can and should provide. In 2 years, your son may be allowed to drive. There are many jobs in driving. Look for special talents and interests that your son has that will allow him to experience success aand may lead to job opportunities.Many slow learners are good or gifted in some areas. He may be good at some sport. School is academic the real world isn't. It is about life skills, earning a living, and being a normal person. Being nice, of good character and willing and able to work and persevere is what really matters. Your son needs success in some area and he needs a lot of encouragement, and an appropiate education. You need a lot more help and support than you are getting.You are a mom, that doesn't make you a professional educator, or a school, or a peer group.
You and your son need joy and success together.
Your son is a low achiever. Whether he can graduate or get a ged will require the resources of all that should be and can be involved.
I would reconsider using the public school system. You would then be free to use your time on enrichment and extra help and social support.Consider delegating and hiring extra help. You can't do it all.
Working with a child while your heart is aching is difficult. hen your child fails, so do you.Both of you need to know what you can realistically achieve.Support and celebrate every success. I hope this helps. I wish I could talk to you again. I have several certifications in education and 90 graduate hours in education and 30 years of experience. I tell you this not to brag, but when you get opinions, you must evaluate them somehow.
Has he never been to see a psychiatrist? I'd suggest asking the pediatrcian to give you a referral. I have a totally unmotivated teen, who does much better on medication - (though currently he has decided he shouldn't be taking it).
I resisted the medication for years out of what I thought was sound principal. I had determined that all he really had wrong with him was a bad attitude. How are you supposed to successfully medicate a bad attitude? That turned out to be a big mistake in judgement on my part. Just food for thought . . .
My son's lack of motivation seems to be from a fear of failing or a fear of disappointment. It's like he'll think - oh this would be great, but if I really work hard and go for it and then don't get it that will be worse than anything SO I won't even try at all. I call this self destructive behavior. But I can't really say that I know what works to get him out of it. Still trying . . .
As for helping him to feel part of the family - find something that he likes to do and support him in it. Sign him up for sports, scouts, ping pong, trading card game tournaments, pool, something - and then have the family go to watch him or go with him. One of our family's favorite outings is bowling OR family game night OR family movie night etc etc.
You can't replace his birth mom. It sounds like you have a lot more active role in his life than she or his dad. Try to come up with a way that his dad can do more with him especially with his school. Home schooling doesn't have to be done during the day.
Hang in there! You've got the most important part down - you love him!
Hi T.,
A couple things. First take a big deep breath and say some prayers. God is always here just waiting for us to talk to him.
Now a few thoughts of mine while reading, these could totally be nothing or something so take as you will.
*Make sure you've really tried talking to him about the specific issues where he feels he can even yell to express how he feels and get his anger out. Make sure you just listen.
*Research showed: 2 teachers with the same level of kids, one T. told her kids all have low IQ levels the other T. all have high IQ levels. At the end of the year the first teacher's class was below grade level the other teacher's class above grade level. Obviously expectation level influenced performance despite unintentional efforts.
I say this b/c my mom was told I would never pass H.S. when I was in second grade. (Now I have two bachelore degrees!) But, she never told me that till I was teaching elementary and never let it influence how she thought I would perform. Not saying your doing this, but it's something to think about.
*Lastly, is there any possibility he could have been or is being molested sexually? I know that probably sounds crazy, but he is showing some side effects of that and in this world we hardly ever know.
May blessings storm your way,
Amanda
T.,
My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you're going through. My first reaction is anger that the school, which is required to provide an education to your child, suggested that you home school him. I was a public school counselor for over 12 years, and I would NEVER had made that suggestion. That being said, with an IQ and achievement scores in the 80's, your on will always struggle in school and the schools are not required by law to do anything special for him because he is achieving where he is supposed to be, according to his IQ. I know it stinks, but there it is. I do believe you can find other alternatives than home schooling him. I'm guessing that you are exhausted and burnt out by being with a grumy teenager by day and working by night. You would NOT be a bad mother if you decided to discontinue home schooling him; sometimes we as parents have to realize that making decisions based on our needs is just as important as making them for our children. I don't know what your financial situation is, but I would suggest looking into private schools that cater to the individual student's needs, such as Camelot Academy in Durham. Most private schools have some sort of scholarship program for those families in need of financial assistance.
As for psychological help, I do highly recommend going to a counselor or psychologist, but not a psychiatrist. In addition to individual counseling, you may want to consider family therapy as well, with ALL of the family members. Again, in my experience as a guidance counselor, too often families would only look at the student as having issues, but a problem rarely only affects that member. Good luck.
The answer to your question is YES! Have him seen by a therapist. It sounds like he is on his way to serious depression and it can be catastrophic in teens. Start with finding the root of the problem then you can work on the solutions. And, just continue to be as supportive as you have been. Good luck to you all.
T.,
I to am a stepmom and our 13 yr old son has no motivation to do his schoolwork, homework, picking up after himself - bathing or even brushing his teeth. I come across to him as a nag because I am constantly trying to get him to do the right thing. If he isn't doing what he wants to do ex. riding dirt bike, go-cart or shooting his targets he has an attitude. He stays with us every other week - his mom has called the last 2 Saturday's having us come pick him up and he spent the night with us and this week he got mad because he didn't get his way and said "It's hell over there and hell over here." He is so unhappy that his mom doesn't even want to keep him on her weeks - she is always wanting to send him over and what message is that sending him. Plus, it confuses our son - we would rather have him all the time. We ask that he be tested in school and they did and he didn't get any help. He has failed the EOG's the last 2 years and they still passed him. I have ask that he be tested again this year and it hasn't been done yet! By NC State law if you request a test then it has to be completed in 3 months. He will fail his grade this year putting him back in sixth grade and making it the 2nd time he has failed. He doesn't care! If you get some answers please let me know - I need some too! Oh, he is on ADHD medication.
V.
WOW! Who would not suffer low self esteeem with the realization that his poor grades might affect his future and a bio "Mom" who does not care...I have no idea what your options are, but I would have a discussion w/ her that includes the fact that her favoritism is causing major problems. It would be great if she would simply leave the scene altogether!!!! Terrible person....
Just attended my HS reunion- some of those who did not make exceptional grades (mind you, this was a difficult private school, but we are all subject to comparing ourselves to our peers at that age) are the most successful.Can he find something he exels at? Sports? Music? Etc.? We are each given certain gifts.
Re" the dr.': I would think they would out him on drugs, but be careful!!!!! There are scary side effects to all. I have no idea if he is using drugs...scary that you do not know his friends- that would worry nme a lot!Some of his behavior sounds as if that is a possibility- coming from a parent who has been there.The moods, the many "faces", the "hiding" of friends, the rage, mood swings, etc. I would not feel horrible about having him tested for drugs- it could save his life. Or, take him to a dr.,, have them draw blood and ask for results w/o letting him know. Sounds sneaky, but you may avoid an issue by testing hiom yourself and you would still know the results. Hint: do not tell him he is going to the dr. until the day of the appt., as many drugs are out of thier systems in 24 hours.
So sorry to imply this may be an issue, just rule it out. He sounds wonderful, but if he is using, he needs help.
I am most sorry for the bio Mother- she is th eone who needs a psychiatrist!
Maybe you're trying too hard to 'be everything' to him and he just needs someone to truly believe in HIM and his (cap)abilities. And maybe this 'IQ' thing is more important to you than it is to him, and he can sense that.
If there is any one adult in his life that he seems to cherish and relish -- someone he can look up to? If there is, maybe if he could spend some 1-on-1 time with him or her (fishing, shopping, cooking/baking, working on cars, attending sports events -- whatever), it might help (kind of like a 'big brother/sister' mentoring arrangement).
I have so many questions . . .
Did he have any choice in the homeschooling vs public education decision? What IS his preference in that area?
Is he physically active?
What are his interests? If there's anything he does well at, praise it (don't even worry about 'encouraging him' to do it. Simply PRAISE it).
Hope this helps just a little!
Wow, tough situation. I would suggest taking him to a MALE child psychologist. I've taken my now-18-yr-old when he was younger, and my 9-yr-old sees one currently (in north Raleigh). Both have/had issues with depression and anxiety. My oldest was medicated (BIG mistake- they gave him Paxil, which was later removed as a drug suitable for children), and the younger is NOT. Fortunately, the psychologist we use now is against medication as much as possible. You just have to find one that you and your son like. The rebellion is normal, but he's probably got a lot of feelings that he's not going to share with you about his bio-mom, school, etc. Boys don't like to talk to moms. That's good that he's interested in his big brother- at least he's interested in something!
Good luck to you!
wow you just discribed me when i was a teenager. hse got a lot going on with the mother situation all on its own. get him to a therapist no necessarily one who prescribes meds but just one to talk to. its amazing what having someone outside the whole situation to talk to can do.he may fight it at first but he will get used to it. good luck hope this helps ps stop homeschooling (i did this too) and get him in private school.
I was just wondering what kind of work that you do from home. I am a medical transcriptionist and work from home. My occupation will be running out soon due to electronic medical records and voice recognition machines. Just wondering what kind of work other moms do from home.
SAHM of 3.
Oh, Tiff, I am so sorry....it's a sad thing, we force people to take a course, take a test and then a driving test just for a driver's license but let anyone have a child....it sounds like your son is having lots of issues outside of the classroom as well. As a nurse I would like to say find a couselor, physiciatrist, whatever that the can talk to. I know he'll freak about seeing a doctor, but let him know it's not because he's crazy, it's because he needs to talk to someone besides family. Family can cause more problems because our children don't want to worry us with their troubles, or feel that they are causing us more stress with what they are going through. By having someone that is not related, or even a family friend, will help him to open up and the doctor can work with him on positive stress management. I have to tell my aunt, who has had a difficult child for over 15 years...it's not about him just talking...none of us know how to manage our lives in a positive way. You have to be taught certain methods and when you have so many things going on like he does, even mom and dad need to learn! I have been able to learn through my career more positive ways to handle things and work everyday on teaching my kids how best to deal with them, however, my husband has never learned and blows up over minimal problems. It's all about learning. The doctor will be able to discuss ways that he can deal with his mother's mistake...and keep in mind, you are going to get the worst of his attitude...we often take things out on the one's we love and know love us, because God knows we will forgive! I think it's part of our natural coping measures. Hang in there and try not to take his reactions personally. Being a teen alone is a difficult time, add on his personal and educational problems, and dude is struggling! I wish you the very best and please, get him some help. It doesn't mean he needs medication but he needs someone to talk to. Take care..
