... from depression. I do feel honored and good that she's confiding in me, but so sad for her, too. She's confided that she's cut herself in the past and did it again a month ago. She showed me her upper thigh and the "grid" marks on it. It broke my heart! She told me about 3 months ago that she was feeling lost and alone and depressed. I chalked it up to horemones, age, school, etc... She showed no real signs that I could see of depression or anything "out of the ordinary". Well, two nights ago, she broke down and told me how she feels empty inside, alone, in pain most of the time. I asked if it were something that I &/or her dad were creating, which she said no, it's just something in her and she didn't think it was hormonal. She practically begged me to make an appt. with her female pediatrician. I did a little research and called, asking for a "depression evaluation", which she will have on Thursday. She wants me in the room with her and the Dr., but I told her that there's a chance the Dr. will wiant to speak with her alone. She seems releived that I will be with her, but I don't know what to expect. I read that most doctors will talk w/ the patient and do some blood work to see if it's an embalance. I don't know what to expect, really. I guess what I'm asking is, have any of you gone through this, what were your experiences? Should there be any specific questions to ask? I want to be my daughter's greatest defender and protector and again, my heart's breaking! She's often laughing, artistic, does well in school, is social, has sleepovers and is interactive with the family. I'm so .... .... saddened and surprised!
Thanks, ladies, for your advice!
~L.
One of my daughter's friends was cutting herself on he upper thigh at that same age -- I talked to her about it then but I don't recall what I told her. I will FB her and ask her what you should do.
These are my suggestions:
1.) Practice self care with yourself. Watching our children experience pain, can be an extraordinarily challenging and taxing experience, as mothers. It is necessary that we take care of ourselves during this and make time for our whole self. The benefit is that by doing so, we also model self care for our children, so it's win win.
2.) Do a lot of research about medications AND other tools available for treating depression. A pediatrician is likely going to use their prescriptive authority after diagnosing for depression. Yet, they may not have the proper training to make the diagnoses or prescription since they are not pediatric psychologists or psychiatrists.
I am not against anti depressants. I think they can act as a valuable tool (esp. when paired with other treatment methods) for recovery.
Also, anti depressants (like all other medications) can have serious side effects, especially when mis prescribed or mismanaged. Prescribing psychiatric medication to children is different than prescribing to adults and not all docs/pediatricians are fully aware of this. Coming off of the prescription is an additional concern, and, depending on the dosage and person, can be extraordinarily difficult.
3.) Cutting is really serious. I am so glad your daughter came to you about it (way to go mom, your daughter trusts you!) because cutting is something that can progress over time. Essentially, by cutting, a person is able to externalize their pain while simultaneously releasing endorphins. It's a way to feel in control and by accessing physical pain, one can diminish the internal pain they feel. (This isn't necessarily everyone's experience.) Cutting can progress and become worse and more physically dangerous (arteries, infections, etc.). Cutting can be a call for help or not. Cutting can signal severe depression or it can be a passing coping mechanism. Either way, I believe it should be taken very seriously.
4.) Make sure your daughter knows she
- doesn't have to do this alone
- isn't bad, weak, damaged, or wrong for having these feelings. They happen to lots of amazing people.
- she doesn't need to keep it stuffed inside
- you don't need her to be perfect and she's not letting you down
- you're worried about her, and also you love her no matter what
- that you believe her and it really is that hard
5.) I really recommend that, whether or not your daughter takes medication, she begins therapy with someone who you *both* like, trust, and who has a good reputation for being great with teens. Teenagers usually have good reason for depression, and it's helpful to have an outside person help them work through their stuff. Also, a bad shrink is worse than no shrink. So, be choosey and let her have say too.
Best wishes and many hugs. You're not alone either, mama, and this isn't your fault.
Hi L..
I think it's awesome that your daughter has confided in you. Admitting you're depressed can be very hard. I don't have a daughter who is your daughter's age, but I wanted to write and give you a hug. As moms, we feel so responsible for everything relating to our children. I give you a lot of credit for listening to your daughter and making the appointment. Now she has the opportunity to get better =)
Oh L., big hugs to both of you. It must be so hard to realize that your child is hurting and you can't just make it go away with a kiss and a hug and some ice cream. However, she came to you! That's HUGE! Her being able to come to you and ask for help is, IMO, *the* hallmark of successful parenting. So many kids wouldn't have done that, so give yourself credit for building that loving, trusting relationship over the years. It must give her tremendous comfort to know that you take her feelings seriously.
At our pediatrician's office, kids ages 12 or 13 and older fill out a mental health screening checklist at every well visit. I think it's a state requirement here and the intent is to pick up on symptoms of depression and other mental health issues. Your doctor will probably have a similar form, with a list of symptoms and "always, sometimes, never" boxes to check or circle. Questions like "I don't enjoy activities that I used to" or "I feel irritable for no reason at all" or "I harm myself" or "I think about harming myself," etc. After filling that out, the doctor will assess the answers and will have some info to go on. I would imagine that the doctor will want to talk 1 on 1 with your daughter, but if she really doesn't want you to leave the room, of course you won't have to.
If I were you, I would plan on having the pediatrician be the first stop but if she thinks her symptoms are consistent with depression, I would then seek out an adolescent psychiatrist and/or psychologist. I know that some people use their general practitioner to manage medication for mental health issues, but in my experience, this is an area where a specialist is the better choice. I also think that with adolescents, therapy should be a part of the solution. For some people, therapy is enough to help them cope with their symptoms. Others truly do best with medication and therapy, and with the cutting, there may be some urgency to controlling the symptoms very quickly so medication may be a good choice for your daughter at least in the beginning. My husband has a long history of depression/bi-polar and he always has two doctors - one for medication, one for therapy. My oldest son has ADHD and some other issues and we are seeing one doctor for medication, but a family therapist who specializes in adolescents for counseling. Teens can also respond well to group therapy sessions, where they meet periodically with other teens and sometimes that dynamic removes the stigma of mental health problems and they realize that they are not alone, they are not freaks, this is pretty common, other kids have it worse and often they can end up helping a peer even while their in the process of helping themselves, which can be very empowering.
Just take this one step at a time and realize that you and she are not alone. This can be so shocking and overwhelming, but luckily, there are a lot of options for help for her and luckily, she reached out to you early, which will help in her treatment.
Best wishes to you - please keep us posted in how she's doing!
I have suffered from depression for a LONG time and I believe I showed signs as an adolescent that went "unnoticed". Not unnoticed in a way that someone didn't care, but in a way that it just wasn't something that really was addressed or sought out as a possible issue. Does that make sense?
Now, as an adult, I think back to things that happened during my teen years/young adulthood and it is like a light bulb! THAT is what was going on!!
As a mother, I hope my son never feels the way I do sometimes. I pray that this issue, that does seem to have some roots in my family, somehow skips him and any future children I may have. I imagine it must be scary - as a mom - to hear that your child is not happy. I did have one cutting incident - my mom saw the injury and I was honest with her about what I did (I kinda made a gouge in my wrist with a sharp tipped scissors). She was really worried and asked questions making sure it wasn't a suicide thing. As an adult, my explanation of what I did was that I felt I was hurting so bad but didn't have any physical injury/pain. That was my outlet, kind of a release - having physical pain to match the pain I was feeling inside. That was the only time I did it. My mom made me promise never to do it again - and I never did. I guess you could say part of my issue is that I am a people pleaser :-)
Anyway - I can't imagine what you are going through, but I might know what your daughter is going through. It is a huge step that she recognizes her unhappiness (i didn't) and wants to address it. She obviously trusts you and feels comfortable enough to talk to you. There are so many people out there who suffer from mental issues who DON'T have people or the ability to talk to someone. Reassure her that you are there to help. Don't be afraid to show your feelings to her - that you are sad she is feeling this way and that you are willing to help her overcome these feelings.
The quest to find a helpful med and correct dosage is a tough one. Some meds make things worse. Help her out by being honest about how YOU see her. Encourage her to be honest with how SHE feels on the med. Keep a journal or some sort of tracking to remember what meds/doses seem to help/be most efffective. From my own experience, I have found counseling to be SO important along with my meds. My insurance is different than it used to be so counseling isn't as available and I notice a difference.
Sorry this reply was so long :-) Guess the topic just kind of hit home :-) I wish you the best of luck. Be glad your daughter is able to talk to you about how she is feeling. :-)
wow that's so sad. i'm so glad for her that she has you to talk to - can you imagine if you had not done such a great job as a mom, how frightened and ALONE she would be feeling, not being able to talk to you?
we are our children's greatest champions. you are doing everything you need to be doing. GOOD JOB MAMA.
i don't have any advice (except keep doing what you're doing - get her help!) but just wanted to give you a cyber ((hug)). hang in there. it will get better!
First let me say, I am sorry you are both going through this.
It is amazing that she came to you, was honest with you and asked for a
doctor appt. That is a great start.
One can still be social and active yet still have some issues. Or feel
depressed, sad & lonely.
You care doing the right thing.
Wait to see how the doctor appt goes. Most likely the doctor will talk to her w/you in the room then ask you to leave so she can talk to her alone.
The biggest step is that she came to you, told you and asked for help.
She can get through this with your love, support and most importantly: meetings w/a professional doctor. My warmest thoughts will be with your daughter. She can get through this with professional attention.
Good for her that she is able to recognize the problem and want to get help solving it. I'd see what the doctor has to say and then get her some therapy ASAP. It will help a lot for her to have someone to talk to.
Be sure to tell her to really open up to the therapist - that it's a hard thing to do but in the end, she will feel so much better for doing so.
Don't let the ped prescribe any meds. Talk should come first then meds ONLY by a Pediatric Psychiatrist (MD). This should be a last resort.
Good luck to you both.
im so glad she came to you. maybe she just is having trouble finding her nitch in the school atmosphere. kids can be horrid. i hope and pray every thing turns out well at the appointment.
Give your daughter a big hug for letting you know what is happening with her. She is so brave. Hang in there and good luck with the appt.
Don't be sad. Be proud and supportive. It's a BIG deal for anyone to be able to do a self assessment and say "Yes, I see that there's something wrong with me...and I need help." But it's an even bigger deal for them to actually ASK for that help.
Be her cheerleader. Don't mourn or feel sorry for her. You must be a wonderful mom for her to be able to come to you like this.
♥
C. Lee
I think for some people it is a chemical imbalance. I was a little shy, but I had popular friends by my junior and senior year and I was getting almost straight As. I did have times of depression though. I went on my first date at 17 but it didn't last. Then, I got into my first relationship at 19, got engaged and broke up. Now, I am happily married. I could go on and on, but to make it short, even from the time I was 10 I was feeling things like, "I wish I was dead." My sister heard me saying this and told me you never say that.
I got on an antidepressant about 6 years ago because I have intersticial cystitis which causes me to have chronic bladder pain. I didn't always have this. Anyway, that took away some of the stigma of being on antidepressants. It's great you recongnize your daughter needs to be seen by a Dr.!!!! My family was very different. Anyway, it was very helpful, not for the pain, but for the depression. I often feel like, "why me?" Before I even had something physically wrong, I often felt alone or was doing something distructive in my life. I had to be hospitalized when I had post-pardum depression. I was feeling suicidal. Maybe I should, but I don't take all the blame for this. I felt my husband wasn't helping, I was working full-time etc. The thing I want to get across is that you can't tell from the outside when someone is depressed. I know some people deal with a lot and can cope. Some are different. Let her explain to the Dr. what is going on.
I agree with some of the other moms that what a great thing it is that she came to you for help. A true testament to the bond. I can relate to how sad you must have felt but it will feel great when she/your family gets help and she will feel whole again. Blessings, Blessings to you and your daughter and a big cyber hug from me!!!
After ruling out any medical causes of depression - s/he should check her thyroid function - I hope her doctor will refer her to a child psychiatrist or psychologist, who can do a thorough evaluation and provide therapy. Possibly she would benefit from medication, but she should have a trial of therapy first unless she is suicidal; it doesn't sound as if she is. Good luck.
Be glad that your daughter could come to you for help and asked for help and seems open to receiving the help. Tell her to be honest, even if it's hard. Being upfront will help her get the best care. And reassure her that you love her and support her.
The thing that is amazing to me is how depressed this generation is. It is all in how they were raised because they have no idea how to judge true feelings. I don't think adults realize the world we have made for them. Everyone must be nice to each other so who really likes you? They are surrounded by friends but they don't realize it.
What I find most shocking is my oldest daughter. I didn't raise her like most and because of it she was real, she was by far the most popular girl in her school because her peers could feel that she really cared about them. Even with the difference in parenting she still couldn't feel they cared about her. She actually suffered from depression because she cared so much about her peers but didn't think they felt it, she couldn't even see what was obvious to anyone looking in.
I say this because it is the root of the problem. The sad thing is words cannot help. Even when I pointed out how popular my daughter was she could think it but couldn't feel it. The most popular girl in the school (small, private, all girls school), student counsel president, four Facebook fan club groups started by friends to worship her, was on antidepressants for her junior and senior year!
I know exactly how you feel and my heart breaks for your daughter. Help her find her way without making her feel bad if she chooses antidepressants. I don't think anything bad would have happened to my daughter had I stopped her but I think that sense of control she got helped her more than the medication.
Christine did all of this on her own, it is just who she is but if your daughter wants you there then be there. Just make sure she knows she may have to talk alone but you will be close by. So far as I know there is no blood tests involved because they don't accurately measure the chemical levels of your brain. It could also have been just Christine's experience because she was already diagnosed with ADHD so she was known to have wiring issues.
I just want you to know my daughter is now almost 23 and happy. Seems like after they get out of the teen hormone fluctuations and all of that they are fine. Just wanted to throw out the light at the end of the tunnel.
No matter how pretty, smart, or popular someone is, that's not any sort of indicator on whether or not someone will be depressed. Someone with depression can laugh, have a great sense of humor, be socially involved, do well in school, and all of the other things you mentioned. People with depression can be very good at masking/hiding what they feel inside. The stereotype of the sad looking grey little figure hiding in a corner doesn't fit most people who have depression.
So when someone begs you to get them help for depression believe them and get them immediate help. I'm really impressed that your daughter is self-aware enough to know that she's depressed and to ask for help at her age. I'm really proud of your daughter. And good for you, Mom, for moving forward.
I would let your daughter do most of the talking at the intake appointment. It's her appointment, after all. Let the doctor ask questions of her and then direct questions to you as needed. You'll be needed to fill out forms and medical history, and probably answer questions and be part of her DSM evaluation.
Your biggest and best question should be, "I'm here to help my daughter. What can I do?" And then move forward from there.
She came to you-what a strong testiment to the bond you share with your daughter. I would feel very hopeful because of that and her willingness to find medical help. She sounds like she is ready to be well!
What I have learned in the past couple of years in regards to adolescent neurological and emotional health is to be sure the professionals you enlist to help are specialized in adolescent health. This is very important!
If she sees a therapist, for example, find one she likes to go visit and is experienced in treating teen girls. Don't feel shy about asking and speaking up for your daughter.
Best wishes to you & your daughter!
Bravo to her for recognizing that she needs help and talking to you! That had to be difficult to do. And bravo to you for maintaining the kind of relationship with your daughter that made her willing to come to you. Keep courage, mama - you are doing what you need to for your child, and with your support and help, she will come through this.
No mom wants to go through this but I'd be so grateful if one of my children came to me to discuss it vs do something dangerous or just be miserable all alone. As someone who has suffered from depression as an adult and in hindsight maybe as a teenager at times, everything can be just fine. Cognitive behavioural therapy combined maybe with a low dose of an antidepressant can really change things. Chemicals can get off balance and when it's fixed, it's like a new world. She'll be fine and I think it's heartwarming she came to you.
So sorry and will keep this in my prayers.
If you have not done so already look into allergies, imbalance with hormones and deficiencies with nutrients. I spoke with a doc and he was telling me about a patient he had decades ago who had severe allergies and because of this suffered from depression. He told me this to stress the importance of me continuing to be diligent with helping my son with his allergies. Many do not look at these things, and all can be core reasons why someone is suffering with depression. If one is deficient with certain nutrients like B-complex or magnesium (for example) they can display depression symptoms, if the neurotransmitters are not properly "working" this can cause depression, many of these things along with hormonal imbalance can come from one's diet too.
Look into these things with a licensed Naturopathic Physician or Doctor who is opened to looking into other core reasons why your daughter may be going through this.
Stay with her, it is a good thing that she wants you in the room. This is her right and yours as her parent.
