Love the Friend, Hate the Mom!

You can tell the Mother point blank - She's got a wonderful child, who's respectful, nice and friendly - but sadly didn't learn those traits from her mother. Then tell the Mom no one wants to be around her because of her negativity, whininess or negativity towards everything and everyone - including her own child. Counsel her to let go so her daughter can start having friends and a more normal life. Remind her you are telling her this because it's in her child's best interest.

I would allow my daughter to choose her own friends and set up the play date, but inform the mother that she is not invited...for Christ's sake the girl is 9. She doesn't need her mother "hanging around".

Keep trying to set up playdates that are not at the house.

I think your husband is acting selfishly and rudely... I wouldn't care what he says and have them over anyways... he can go mow the lawn or do something productive so that he isn't around when the woman is there. The daughter is not a bad influence and that should be the bottom line.

I would have a greater capacity to show kindness to the child than I would to dislike the mother.

Why does the mom of a 9 year old have to come along for the play date? Can't you just invite the girl to your house or an activity, pick her up and then take her home later?

I don't think the kids should be punished because of the nasty mom. The girl probably needs a good influence. I think you'll just have to win this disagreement with your husband. Just don't have him sit with her at performances any more.

I think your husband is punishing YOUR daughter AND the other girl because of how he feels about the mom.
You say that "I'm willing to put up with this woman for a few hours so the girls can hang out." How does that affect your husband? And why will he NOT let his daughter go over there?
He's being unreasonable. Laying down the law--that doesn't affect HIM--for no apparent reason.

I would invite the girl and her mother over for a few hours so the girls can have a playdate. I would do it at a time DH is not home so he doesn't have to be annoyed by her. 9 is definitely old enough for kids to go on playdates without their parents sticking around. But they have never been to your home, and I wouldn't be offended if the Mom wanted to come and hang out the first time. I would put up with her and be the nicest host I could for the sake of the girls. And maybe after the first time she will loosen up and allow her daughter to come over by herself in the future.

First of all...don't bother trying to change the way the woman parents...you aren't going to have any success...it will just frustrate you and anger her.
I don't understand WHY she insists on going along on playdates with her daughter...but again...that is her call. You need to sit down with your husband and talk with him about his declaration that he doesn't want this woman around. As someone else said....he can go mow the lawn, go fishing, take the dog for a walk...SOMETHING to get out of the house!! lol
I would keep trying to set up a playdate in a neutral spot...a park for a picnic lunch, the zoo, a swimming pool, anything...and I like the idea of including another child and Mom....take the pressure off of you trying to keep the Mom entertained!!!
Good luck and I think it is great that you want to help this little girl have some fun and a friend in your stepdaughter.

I think b/c you married into being a instant mom..you need to understand that playdates with a mom still chaperoning their own kid ENDED around the first grade, probably even KG for most. And solo pre-school playdates happened if they are potty trained and have older sibs, which usually means they are more independent.

You're insight into this poor girls dilemma is commendable. I would plan like Annette recommends, and keep trying to coordinate something for the girls...and continue to be honest and kind with your approach to the mother. I would even say that you don't have time to sit and have a social time with the mom while the girls just play. The playdate is to make it easier on you, not harder. It's supposed to occupy their time, not yours.

I think from your husband's perspective, I imagine he's thinking down the road....this girl will undoubtedly have major rebellion issues with her mom, or might become just like her....and your husband is wanting to protect his daughter from that fallout later on. But what do I know...???

I would continue to try to set up a play date at a park or other neutral location. If your husband doesn't want this woman in your house (and I don't blame him) then I wouldn't bother inviting her over. Can you do something close by after the dance class? Or do you have another class to teach after your daughter's class?

Kudos to you for trying to foster the friendship between your daughter and this sweet girl. I can't stand obnoxious parents, even when their children are sweetie pies.

first of all, unless she's asked for your advice, don't offer it. no one likes to be preached at, not even if they need or deserve it. you will only make it worse.
next, good for you for persevering in the face of monster mom! that poor kid. how nice that she has a kind adult in her life rooting for her.
a boot in the arse to your husband. no one wants to be around that sort of person, but the little girl and even more importantly HIS daughter should be considered here.
you've persevered this far. keep up with it. keep going for that neutral location, which really is the best solution.
you are a good person.
khairete
S.

Wow, poor girl.

She is 9.
A Tween.
Tweens are from 9-12 years old.
Her daughter... by now, is more independent. Or will be.
The Mom, has to let go.
She is noxious.
You talked to her about it. Brave soul.
But she is a real irksome personality.
Nothing will cure her.

Her poor daughter, has no friends, because of her.
Maybe she should be told that.

Glad she ain't my Mom.

Well, on one hand, you can use this opportunity to teach your daughter how to deal w/a negative person (the mom) in her life. On the other hand, you want to protect her from all that negativity.

I think you have to think what is best for your daughter. Would her confidence, self esteem, security and most of all, relationship w/you, be affected if she continues to play w/the friend? If she doesn't?

In my experience, when parents deny their children access to certain people, its b/c they are scared of the affects that person will have on their children. This seems to be so in your husband's case. Maybe you can encourage your husband to change his perspective and parenting attitude by encouraging him to teach your daughter a better way to act or say things if she starts becoming negative like the mom. If she is 9, then this will be good practice for him in a few years when she becomes a hormonal PMSing emotional teenager.

I went to school with a girl from the age 5 until 18 my mom did not allow us to be friends because she didn't like her parents and here I am 30 and we are best friends even though we were never allowed to hang out outside of school growing up. How horrible for your husband to take his dislike for the mom out on the girls. Not very adult like behavior if you ask me.

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Is this woman in the room when you are teaching, along with the other moms? Is that where the pushy behavior and insults are coming from? If so, I'd put a stop to that instantly. The kids need to concentrate on the teacher and not on any bystanders. Don't make it personal about this one mom - make it about the moms having an hour to do their own thing and letting the kids make mistakes/learn routines without distraction. They don't sit in the 3rd grade classroom either. If they are watching these classes, then they are over-involved. I'm not sure where the policy came from of allowing people in the room TALKING but it's ridiculous.

As for play dates, let the mom know she's not invited. You have things to do and you cannot entertain her, and it's up to the girls to play. They are NINE! If you don't want your child over there, that's probably a good decision - you don't need your child hearing all that criticism. Try something like the movies - there's no talking allowed. If the mom attends and talks, you will have to get up and move to a new seat and tell her she's annoying you and the other viewers.

Otherwise, you may have to say something direct - "We love your child but are uncomfortable around all your criticism and complaints, and we don't want our child to be part of that drama. If you aren't comfortable enough with us to allow your child in our home or if you feel the need to complain constantly so that it's no fun for everyone, then, sadly, we will have to curtail these dates." I know you feel badly for the girl, but you cannot intervene or salvage things more than that. The kids can play at school and in dance class, and that's it.

Well its tough, but i would respect my husbands wishes on the subject.

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OK...sorry so late on this...I scanned through a few answers, but wanted to tell you...tread carefully here. I know that some posters suggest you tell other mama why you don't want her around or what she is doing "wrong" but in doing that, if she is the overbearing type, she will become defensive and your daughter will likely lose a friend. I have run a home daycare for many years now and have had to deal w/ those types of people a few times. I find the best way to start is to be subtle. You have exactly the right idea about meeting at a neutral place. If you really want to have a playdate at your house, find a reasonable excuse as to why mom can't come "we have 3 tix to the zoo...can we take your daughter?" or something like that...when tactful and subtle don't work, you will then have to decide how much your daughter wants/needs this friendship and decide what you are willing to put up with. I would not let your SD go to her house though...as one poster said, her attitude can influence your daughter or even scare her! Good luck with this...these types of issues are never easy to resolve.

It's time for an intervention. Gather together as many of the Moms as you can and in a group setting tell this woman she's an overbearing pain in the *** . Tell her that your daughters would love to hang out with her daughter but NO ONE LIKES YOU!!! and you are unwilling to put up with her so your kids can play together. Recommend counseling for her. The biggest problem here is that she may not even realize what she is doing. She may be behaving the way she was taught as a child. Her Mom and other woman role models may have been just as overbearing as she is and she learned by example.