Loss of Friends

Unfortunately this is very common. My daughter died at 3 weeks due to problems caused by a rare genetic disorder. She is a twin and my son is perfectly healthy. I have found that when I still bring the subject up of my daughter 2 years later that my friends seem to change the subject or act distant around me. I have been part of a couple of online groups and I know that one in particular has a forum for parents who have lost children due to SIDS. Please e-mail me and I will give you the website's information.

Wow! That stinks. I, too, found out who my real friends are when I was bedridden for 2 months. Unfortunately, I was bedridden due to illness and not pregnancy. We are in the process of moving into a new house and I won't have an internet connection until Dec. 5th. You can call me on my cell at ###-###-####. The reception at the new house is terrible, but I can call you back if you leave a message. I'm not really doing too much driving due to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), but I would like to help you out as much as I'm able. Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl? I can put some stuff together for you. If I'm not able to take them to you, I have someone who can. What part of town do you live in? We're out in Rio Rancho close to the mid high school. Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon. Take care, get rest, and try not to go stir crazy. :o)

C.

I know how you feel being alone. I moved to AZ just over a year ago and still haven't made any real "friends". I am a SAHM to my 3mnth old son, and really desperate looking for moms to get in contact with. My other half works 14hr days and we only have one car so I am stuck in my house 5 or 6 days a week with no one to talk to. Before I had my son I was working but never really had any "friends" just a few younger girls that i worked with. If anyone lives near me let me know would like to make new friends and get out of my house every once in awhile.
M.
PS I live in Maricopa

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. I know how you feel, I dont have many friends here and the ones that I do have dont seem to care much. Your so-called friends just seem like a bunch of stuck up a**holes. (sorry) I can't believe that they would rather go to lunch than take you to have your baby so you could get some relief! I'm not sure what kind of things that you need for your baby but I have a few things that you are welcome too. I have a highchair, a light up mobile that plays all different kinds of music and a car seat/stroller combo. They are yours at no charge if you want them. If you ever need someone to talk to or if you ever need anything, even a ride to the store or the doctor, let me know and I would be glad to take you. I am a SAHM right now and I would gladly do it with no questions asked. You can email me at ____@____.com or www.myspace.com/mbroad79. Take care and try to keep your head up, things will get better.

I know how hard it is to have friends help you when you need it. My best friend basically just dropped me because I told her she needed to find some place else to live because it wasn't working out. She put a burden on me and my husband and my child. She acts like she did nothing wrong. It hurt me real bad. Just keep your chin up and things will get better. There are other friends out there for you.

S. L.
November 29,2006

I kind of know how you feel. Before I got pregnant I could go out and hang out with my so called friends. But after my son was born which is now 2 1/2 yrs old. I don't get out. No one really talks to me anymore. Most of the people I know go out to bars and drink and I don't really do that. I might have a drink or two, but I'm not really a drinker. And when they do go out it's all night and I can't do that anymore. I'm so sorry that you are having to be on bedrest and can't do anything. I'm not sure I couls really help you with getting food and stuff, but if you want someone to talk to I casn help with that. Let me know.
H.

I can totally appreciate your frustration over being bedridden. I have also been put on bedrest thankfully only for about 3 weeks then I'll be 36 weeks along and they said that from that point on the baby can safely be born. One of the other women reccomended a moms group for after bed rest. I completely agree. I belong to my local moms group in Apache junctin. If you let me know exactly where you live I can probably get you in touch with your local chapter. These women have been wonderful. One of the girls took my children for a whole day (I have 2 girls 2&3 years old) so that my husband could get a break while i was in the hospital. They are also supplying me with dinners twice a week while my husband is at night school. These are women that understand what your going through.
I know that you don't want your husband to miss work but your best bet would be to have your husband take you to your appointments. You could also check and see if your insurance will supply you with transportation. I have ahccess and i know that they will supply transportation. Stores will also deliver food to your house for a very small fee. Check out your grocery stores online. That can solve that problem otherwise your husband will just have to bite the bullet and do some shopping after work.
I know my husband makes comments under his breath whenever I send him to the store and he is completely scared to have to go do the christmas shopping but the alternative of me having Brody early or landing back in the hospital till its safe to deliver scares him a lot more.

good luck and stay in touch,
A. W.
____@____.com

Hi there,
God, I can so relate to the friend thing, I went through the exact same thing..... and it does make you see who your real friends are.
Not sure where you live but If you ever need a ride just let me know the night before, I would be more than happy to help you out. And I have a 18 month old who we are a buying a new bedroom set this weekend so if need some things my is VERY clean and barely used. I have boys clothes, a playpin, poppason swing and bouncer (matches, a crib matress but no crib and lots of misc baby stuff (recieving blankets, nice burp rags, diapers, formula, bottles etc) You are welcome to any or all of it. And like I said everything I kept is new condition/gently used but everything I kept is pretty much all new stuff.
I would love to help however I can. Just let me know what you need.

AND PS
HAPPY B-DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Allie

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad!!! I have to disagree with Megan, I understand that this baby is your hubbys but....I know how it is with work and one income. I don't blame you or him if he cant take the time off of work to take you to a doctors apt. My son is now 2 yrs. old and I was in the same boat, the only difference I didnt have any friends. We moved up here to Albq. from southern NM and all we had were my husbands brother and mother. But they were as helpful as a fly on the wall!!! Luckily my mom was able to come up at a moments notice and came take care of me and my kiddos.

I would strongly encourage you to make some sort of connection with someone. Feel free to email me: ____@____.com can also look into joining a MOMS Club in your area or any MOMS Club for that matter! If you want to talk feel free to email me! I hope everything works out for you!
T.

Hello there F.,

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with so much right now. Sometimes the things that hurt us the most are the best lessons and blessings in disguise. I know that is hard to hear when your pain is so fresh. Try to remember it though as it has really helped me when I am struggling. Please email me and lets see what we can do to help you to not feel so lonely and unprepared. ____@____.com Chin up young person all will be well.

Hey F.!

I know how you feel...I was on bed rest and none of my friends here called me ever. I felt really lonely as well. you are welcome to email me at ____@____.com or at www.myspace.com/J. any time. I am not sure where you live but I will be happy to help you out if you need a ride or just a friend. I will be going back to work soon, but I am still around sometimes.

Happy and healthy

--Juliete

I am so sorry to hear about the situation you're in. I was also on bedrest for the last month of my pregnancy, and like you, not a single one of my "friends" were there to even come visit me once. I haven't really spoken to any of them since. After your baby is born, I would highly recommend joining a mommy support group. I'm not sure where you're located, but there are new mom groups everywhere! If you're in Tucson, there's a wonderful one at the Birth and Women's Health Center near TMC every Tuesday and Saturday. You could also check out your local La Leche League and any play groups/mom groups around town. I suffered from post partum depression, felt completely abandoned also, and joining the new mommy group introduced me to new friends and gave me the support I needed to get through the tough times. Good luck and contact me if you would like more info on the birthing center baby group.

Hi, Sorry for your sad feelings. I was on bed rest too for about 3 months. It is very lonely I however had 2 great friends (not trying to rub it in, just stating that there are good people out there)they even came over and cleaned my kitchen and their husbands would take the trash out just so that my husband didn't have to do everything when he got home from work.
Where do you live? Are you having a boy or girls? What things are you laking? Please email me and we can chat more ____@____.com

Thanks,
Kimber Goodyear, AZ

F.,
Your story broke my heart! Your "friends" definitely are not that, and since I've had some people like that in my life (at various times in the past) I can completely empathize with your feelings about that. It's beyond aggrivating to be the one who gives and gives, and to have nothing reciprocated. It is high time you let them go and focus on you and your family. Let the positiveness of their attention and love be your motivation. Tucson is actually a great place, and I hope that you come to love it and find special friendships with people who really know what it means to be close to someone.

There are various moms groups in town www.tucsonmoms.com and if you are looking for birth or postpartum support contact www.desertdoulas.com ###-###-#### - they can work with you to support your upcoming birth and postpartum care. I'm not sure where you live (I live in Rita Ranch) so if you need a ride for shopping, etc just let me know. I am home with just my 2 yo during the day ;)

-C.

F.,

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I'm also so sorry for your loss, i can't imagine how hard this is for you being pregnant and just loosing a baby not so long ago. I have 2 little ones. My son is 4 years old and my daughter is 15months and i can't imagine loosing any one of them and being pregnant. Friends, well they are hard to come by, good friends anyhow. When i comes down to it your true friends are with you through thick and thin. I really do have a couple true friends that have helped me through a lot but the rest are only around when they want to party. I lived in michigan all my life and just moved here a year ago dec 12th and i have no family here and i know no one but my very special friend who lives in Tucson and she is who has got me through some tough times along with my very special husband. I live in phoenix and i only work 3 days a week so i would love to help you out in any way. please email me with questions or just want to talk or you need help. Lexie ____@____.com

F.,

I understand that you feel very alone and helpless. I am very sorry that your friends have not been more reliable. Have you told them how you really feel? Have you revealed this vulnerable side of yourself? If they are true friends then they might listen and understand.

I also would like to know where your husband is? Why is he leaving you and the children with no food? If he knows that you are on bedrest and can not make it to the store then he should be providing everything necessary to make sure you and the children are taken care of. I realize that your friends are extremely important to you, but it sounds like you have 3 little companions there at home. Have you thought about a project you could do for them while they are away at school? Perhaps you could sit them all down and explain that Mama is tired because of the new baby in your tummy and that you need to stay in bed so you are going to ask them to help.

Have you had any grief counseling over the death of your child? How has your husband dealt with your loss?

F., it sounds like you are very depressed. It seems your focus is your friends and I really think your focus should be your family and yourself. What would it take to get some more support from your husband and children?

I realize that you can not do much from your bed, but perhaps your husband can help you with arranging projects for you before he leaves for work. You could do Scrapbooking, or journaling, or writing a book about your life. Has sewing ever interested you? Maybe you could crochet a new blanket for the baby. Could you make a fun calendar with "chores" for the kids to do and maybe put stars on it when they have accomplished what you needed? These are just suggestions and it's a bit difficult since I don't know their ages. Is one of them old enough to prepare meals with coaching from you?

I encourage you and your husband to get some counseling over the death of your child. I know that this can cause serious relationship problems. It can also be a time to do some real bonding. As for your friends, yes they are important too but again I would call them and explain that you really need theri help an that you are virtually helpless without other people being there for you. If they don't understand then don't take it to heart. You need to be strong and move on with your life. Those three little children and the new one on the way need that! Let THAT be your motivation. Your hubby needs to help too. After all, you didn't get pregnant all by yourself. You are his loving wife! Pull together as a family! These should be your closest friends right now! I'm very concerned about you! You are in a depression and it's very hard to pull yourself out. I also feel you have bigger problems that you aren't talking about here. Counseling is a must! Please share this with your doctor. They can help you too. I hope this helps F.. Take good care of yourself! You deserve it!

I am a little confused, you say you have no friends but you speak of a husband. Isn't he your friend? I understand he has to work, but your doctor appointments are important and if your so called friends are unable to help and you are on bed rest he needs to step up and take care of you.

I was in the same boat as you are but I was not on bed rest. I lived in the middle of Scottsdale with no car, no phone and all by myself. All the people that said they would be there for me were'nt and If I needed food I had to walk to the store in 112 degrees. I've been alone since and my daughter is 1 1/2 and it hurts but I have to stay strong for her. From the sound of it, you must live in Showlow. I live in Snowflake and Im home most of the time during the day, feel free to email me back and we can talk somemore!

Your story breaks my heart. The loss of a child, and being so alone. Where are you? I am in Santa Fe, New Mexico. If you are here, I would be happy to help you out. Just email me.

im so sorry about everything that has happened and if i still drove i could take you anywhere you needed to go. true friends would do what they could to help eachother so i understand... you live in elmirage? cuz thats where i live.....

best wishes to you!!!

You should join a MOMS Club. I'm an officer in Chandler. I joined a year ago and then decided to make a difference in regards to doing activities I want to do with my son and the friends' opinions made into fun get togethers. So, depending on your boundaries, you can join one. There is a program in each one that helps - Hospitality/Meal Support and Babysitting Coop - in which you join, get 10 pts = 10 hrs of free babysitting from any member that decides to be in the babysitting coop, and then when you have a baby,you get 1 pt from each member as a gift. There's a coordinator for both and it doesnt' have to be to help with your future baby, it can be to help any mom that needs the help.

They were great for me when I had a miscarriage in late April this year which was caused by added stress from finding out my son had autism.

If it wasnt' for them, I'd be seriously depressed. My friends/old co-workers, I haven't seen since I moved back, they only want to get together if I can drink cocktails..which I'm allergic to alcohol, I'm not into clubbing anymore, and they have kids either 4th grade thru high school or they just became grandmas themselves and don't have the time.

I also don't have family here, and even when they were around, they couldnt' be depended on, (which was in Calif), and my in-laws live in North Scottsdale and North Peoria and either case, there is no way I can depend on them for help either.

And although, I say to join a moms club for support, that's up to you. Because, regardless, if I have their help or not, I still need a backup babysitter(s), because I realize that they're not always available during their own kids naptime and that's typically when I make my appts or when my husband and I want to go out on a date night on the weekend..practically no one is available.

Anyway, good luck!

Hi F.,

I can't imagine what it must be like for you losing a child...so, I won't pretend that I do. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. However, I would like to know (like the others) why your husband is unable to get groceries and help with the doctor's appointments. I know that a one income family is difficult. I stay home with my children due to an illness. However, I know we just have to make it work. Friends (especially, single w/ no children) tend to be selfish. I'm sorry that you have had such bad luck with them. I would like to know where you live? I live in Arizona. If it's close I would like to help you. Even if we are far apart...I will try to help in anyway that I can. Good luck to you. And please, I would love to help you the best that I can. This is not an empty promise. I know how those feel. I'm unwilling to be responsible for making someone feel that way.
K.

Hi F.:

I am sorry to hear that your "friends" are not there for you when you need them. I know how that feels to be there for others and give and give then when it is time for you to need them they are MIA.
I understand that your husband works during the day so when he comes home at night he wants to wind down and rest. Besides, there is just not enough time in the day to do everything that needs to be done. I know your husband is there for you and sounds like is the only one you can really count on.
I am sure it is hard to have lost a child. I have never lost one but have lost other family members. Losing them was bad enough so losing a child I would think would be 100 times worse.
It is hard to not be able to do the things you were used to doing because of your health. Just remember that this is the best for you and the baby. You are bringing a precious life into this world. You need to make sure you do everything possible to ensure the health of yourself and the baby.
I live in Laveen, AZ but not sure where you are located at. Please let me know and I will do what I can to help you. If anything, I could be there for you to talk to and give support. I hope things start to look up for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers, F..

Talk to you soon,
M.

hey F.!

you sure have a lot of requests and a lot of great advice! I know how it is to have "friends" they are only there when they want something or they have problems... and they tell you how to raise your children and give you marital advice and they don't have kids and are single.. that is how my "friends" are...

I really hate being around people sometimes cause of that.. and i end up being the same way... distant.. but you know what.. those people who claim to be your friends.. aren't.. cause they would bend over backwards to do stuff for you if they truly were your friends.. and not wait for you to pay for anything...

I have 3 kids.. and my last one was an emergency c section.. but i was being induced... and he was just NOT going to come out...

so i have been there done that with babies.... i am sorry about loosing your 3rd.. i haven't had that.. but my dad died the same night i had my 2nd child.. he had a heart attack in his sleep.. then i had my daughter.. and found out 3 hours later that he died... in his sleep of a heart attack.. i was soooo shocked and upset.. i still cry.. i can't believe he is gone... My husband never has lost a close family memeber so he tells me to just get past it.. but it is hard.. so.. don't feel like it is wrong to still be sad.. death of any one close is not something to just "get over" so.. i am sorry for you... i hope the pain eases in time..

bed rest could be psychotic.. yes.. i never had to do that... but i wouldn't be begging to either.. i am always available to talk.. and i have boy clothes if you are having a boy....

:0)

Just email me and i would talk to you any time...

where about do you live.. i live in Glendale...

Talk to you soon,

T. Barlow

____@____.com

F.-

I have to ask why your husband isn't going to the store to get the necessary things for you or why he isn't taking you to your c-section appointment? This is his child too and even if you don't have your friends, you should always have your husband. I'm sure he is working, but there are weekends too. Make sure he is doing what he needs to do too.

i totally know how you feel, all the firends i had basically used me to be a baby sitter and then when i became pregnant i tried to hang out with them and i thought it would be okay to ask if they had anything they wouldnt mind passing down to me considering there kids dont use the stuff anymore. but anyway to make a long story short they wouldnt help me and now my son is 9 months old and i still dont talk to them, so i am by my self like you..and to make things worse my husband is in the military and leaving monday the 11th for 6 months..

Hi F.,
My name is Heather and I have a son who will be 4 on Monday and a daughter who will be 2 in Feb. I moved to Surprise AZ last Oct (2005) and had to make friends. I am a stay at home mom so was referred to the Moms Club. You can check them out at momsclub.org for your local chapter. They were great! I made a lot of friends. I broke off last month to start my own group for moms and playgroups for the kids. It is small and the women in the group are awesome!
I would love to be some help to you to find new friends or even become a friend for you. I know what its like to be abandoned by so called friends or to start all over finding new friends. you can contact me at my personal email to chat. ____@____.com sister in mommyhood. Heather