Loose Lips Sink Ships - MIL Can't Keep a Secret, How to Proceed?

This is just me, but it seems inappropriate to keep your inquiry from your husband, no matter how well intentioned. That puts your MIL in an awkward position (possibly coming between you two).

I usually tell my parents or in-laws to not tell me anything they don't want my husband to know (unless it's a gift or something trivial like that). And I generally don't tell them anything I wouldn't want my husband to know.

Also, in some cultures/generations it's frowned upon to "admit" to any developmental problems with a child. There may be an issue there too. Or your MIL may just not remember.

Good luck. JMO.

Turn the tables. Imagine that your husband had some concerns about your child's development or health. Nothing critical, but something where infant/toddler development of a parent might help influence decisions and he feels like he has enough information about his own health history that his past is exempt from analysis. For example, you child has chronic ear infections and he knows for a fact that he never had one, but you have had a long history of allergies and sinus problems.

So your husband wants to get information on your history of ear infections but you think the baby is in the range of normal (as in you don't have to decide TODAY whether or not to have tubes put in) and you're super-stressed about something else right now and this can wait a few weeks or a month until you're done with your big project (or holidays or whatever the stressor is).

So then if you found out that your husband did an end run around you, went to your mom and asked her to keep his inquiry a secret, wouldn't you be beyond livid?? If course you would be! Because you're probably thinking that you husband is being invasive, crossing boundaries, disregarding your take on the situation, and questioning your parenting skills.

I'm sorry, but what you did here was very wrong. If you child is in a spot where you need medical records and information to make critical decisions regarding his health *TODAY* then you should have gone to your husband and insisted on him calling his mother to get this information. If you didn't do this because you didn't want to bother him, then it wasn't all that critical. This could have waited until his finals were over, you were just being impatient and want to know what you want to know right now. I can be that way too, so I understand. I want to turn over every rock, investigate every angle, especially when it comes to my children but the way you went about this was just all wrong.

Apologize to your husband, admit that you were wrong. Then tell him that you did what you did because you are concerned about your son and want to put your fears to rest and feel that knowing his developmental history will help you to relax and allay your concerns, so you would like him to please get some information from his mother when his finals are over.

Live and learn. She blew it. Let it go this time. And never ask her something again with the stipulation of keeping it a secret. She can't/won't do that, obviously.
Probably the bigger issue here is your husband's denial of your son's developmental issues--if there are any.
Give the docs YOUR history and tell them you're unsure of his father's.

Answer the question "What is?" Don't ask the questions: "What do I want it to be?", "How should it be?", "Why isn't it the way it should be?", etc. Just simply ask yourself "What is?"

If "what is" is that your MIL won't answer questions, then you have some choices to make. If "what is" is that your MIL didn't feel it was right to keep the information from her son, then you have some choices to make. Do you want to be hurtful and tell her she isn't okay the way she is? Do you want to stir the pot and make sarcastic or passive-agressive comments? Or do you want to have some honest, open, clear, and direct communication? Do you really want to punish or to resolve the issue? Do you want to simply set some boundaries with clear, consistent, consequences?

What is your intention with all of these choices? Is the intention to support you son and strengthen the relationship with your husband? Or is it to blame other people and continue to dwell in fear rather than possibility? Sometimes we just loose sight of what is really going on and get caught up in fear and confusion and blame. Are you feeling concerned about your son? Is this the bottom line? Then do what you can to resolve this issue, stay focused on the issue, and when a barrier arises shift from blame and frustration to seeing the barrier clearly and simply making new choices.

We have no control over other people. Ever. As much as we want them to be different they aren't. They are who they are and no amount of blame, sarcasm, punishment, pleading, or bribing will ever change them. They will change if and when they feel the need to change. This is what is. Once we allow for this reality we are then empowered to make choices about how much we share with people, how much time we spend with them, how we will communicate with them, and how will we allow them to treat us. We can control our own thoughts and behaviors, but only if we stop focusing on how others "should" be instead.

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking MIL for the info. It's okay if you and husband disagree, you are entitled to ask questions in my opionion. You weren't really asking for anything very personal - I would asked just out of curiosity regardless of my child's specific situation. Where I think this all went wrong is with all the secret keeping. I don't think it needed to be a secret and I don't think it was a good position to put her or yourself in. And I think it is silly to do it within your marriage. So for that, I pick honey. I think you owe everyone an apology for trying to make this process sneaky. But I do think you are entitled to the information. And I don't know why getting it should make anyone unhappy. We are talking about a grown man and your own child.

I would be upset with my MIL - but now you know she can't be trusted to keep a secret (of any sort) and you no longer confide in her.

While I would be nice to know your husband's developmental milestones I don't think it's necessary. For example- my brother was a very late talker (our dad died when I was 2 and he was in utero - so I always "talked" for him) and now his son is a late talker. However - despite that knowledge - they still put his son into HeadStart due to his delays.

So - if your 15 month old can't speak yet you should have him evaluated on his own merit without any concern for your husband's history - he is his own little person.

Good luck.

That's unfortunate that she can't keep things a secret but now you know. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't something more determental or sensitive. I would be very careful from now on what you tell her if I were you.

As far as the speech issue, I just wanted to assure you that it's not a major problem to not have that information to share with the doctor. While it is helpful, it won't prohibit the dr from pursuing solutions for you. My two youngest kids have speech delays. So I've had lots of experiences with dr's, speech therapists, etc. Some kids speak later than others and some have some true trouble with it. I applaud you for trying to figure out which of the two stands true for your child. Better to be safe than sorry. The way I look at it, getting speech therapy doesn't hurt in either situation, it only helps.

Just treat this whole situation with your MIL as a lesson learned. It's unfortunate but certain people are incapable of keeping things to themselves.

Why wouldn't you want your husband to be aware of your concerns? You should never have asked your MIL to keep that a secret. She was right to tell him. He's her son.

Aren't families fun sometimes?!? It really could be a misunderstanding, as someone below mentioned. I would let it go - better to be the bigger person. Give her another chance (with a minor topic) to see if she can be discreet. If not, well, you'll just have to keep that in mind for the future.

My son has a speech delay. He is currently 33 months old and has been seeing a speech therapist bi-weekly for about 6 months. I brought my concerns up to our ped at 15 months. She asked a few questions and concluded that he was a little behind the milestone but that is common for boys and to keep talking to him and we'll see at 18 months. At 18 months she said it was not significant but if I wanted to she would refer me. I said yes. He also had a hearing test done, just in case. He passed the hearing test. We went to a speech therapist who did an evaluation. She said he did have a delay and gave me more ideas of ways to work with him. The thing is, at that age there isn't a whole lot a therapist can do for them (unless there is a more significant delay). It did help, however, for her to give me more ideas of things to do with him. We did another eval at 2 years and one at 2 1/2 years. That's when she decided to start seeing him regularly. Just in the last few weeks he's made some major improvements.

Sorry I got so long-winded. I realize you might have other concerns, but I wanted to let you know that your son is very young. It's great to be aware of his speech and to mention it to your ped so that it can be noted in his file, so that he/she can ask you questions, so that you can make a comparison at his next appointment. Just keep talking to him, reading to him and engaging him. He will learn from you. Keep track of his improvements (as much as you can - I'm sure you're busy), because this will help you to have a better conversation with your doctor.

Hang in there! I'm sure he's doing better than you think. We Moms tend to worry.

Ugh.. What is the big deal? MIL reminds me of my MIL.. They take it personally when we have concerns and ask about their children, our spouse!!!.

I do not know why it always has to be about them instead of just wanting information to help our children, their grandchildren.

Once I realized my MIL also could not keep a secret, I quit expecting it from her. I honestly never told her a secret again.. And she always wondered whey we were not close. I even tried to explain that when I am asking a question and did not want my husband to worry about it.. for different reasons, she seemed to not understand that in the long run it really was not important to my husband, but he did not need the distraction.

My husband has ADHD and there are times he has to be able to totally focus on his own things. He cannot handle all of the static that is around him concerning anything else. Well she took this as being a criticism of her parenting!! Oh Brother.. It is not all about you woman..

Anyway, you can speak with her about how your husband responded or you can just drop her from being able to ask his of her.. She apparently cannot handle this request.

When you ask someone to keep something in confidence, you need to think about the burden that puts on them, as well. Asking someone to keep something from someone they are very close to, is a pretty big request. I'm not sure you are really being fair here. You asked her to keep things from her own son, and now you are going off saying you will never trust her again, etc. That seems kind of harsh to me. When, as "Lisa" said, it may be that you were the one who really made the mistake here to begin with. If it were me, I would have just given my husband a heads up that I wanted to call his mom and ask her about his childhood. He probably wouldn't even care one way or the other. I'm getting the impression that you are very stressed about the whole situation with your child's delays, and you are kind of making your MIL into a scapegoat. When you should probably be more concerned about your husband's denial, and you probably should have been more thoughtful of your MIL as well. I mean, is it really that surprising that she wanted to talk with her own son, about your concerns for your child - who is also her grandchild? She's part of the family too, you can't just "use" her for information when you want and then expect her to stay completely closed lipped about matters dealing with her family just because you snap your fingers. I would ease up on her. Just my opinion. Good luck.

This is pretty typical MIL behavior. I would just have him tested on your own . There are free services almost everywhere.I wouldn't ask her anything like this again. The last thing you want is for her to come between you and your husband. Trust me that is what she wants. Try to drop it and just know how she is.Your son will talk eventually. Boys are usually later than girls. Hang in there =)

I would totally jump the boat with having any confidence with her again! You learn who you can trust. You asked her to keep it a secret and she blabed.

She might have her feelings hurt or want to admit that her son had any issues. Lots of times mommas think there sons are perfect.

I would proceed with out her or any information from her. I would also drop the connection between the two (son and fater )as it seems they are taking this personaly and not truly looking it at the way you seem to be. (if they are connected the issues might be the same and we can quickly identify and solve the problem) it might really be bothering them that there is a prob. either way I think for now its best to take a different route than trying to get history from them.

Sounds like a walking on eggshell situation.

Why not ask your husband when he started talking?
And then both of you can ask his Mom for info.
My son's talking really took off at 2 years 1 month.
He said words before that and babbled, but once he was over his 2 yr birthday it was chatter chatter chatter all the time!

Maybe its as simple as when she was on Skype she asked to talk to you, hubby asked why, and she told him. True she shouldn't have said anything, but at the same time, she may not have realized the importance of keeping the secret. I would just pocket the information for future use. Sending the email may burn the bridge more and that wouldn't be helpful at all. Maybe there is something that happened with hub's childhood that SHE is in denial about.

My friend just found out that she has a spine condition that the drs. said that she probably had since childhood, they were surprised she didn't know, and hadn't had treatment when she was younger. She thinks that her mom was told, but that the mom didn't have her get the treatment because she would've had to wear casts and braces and her family is all about appearances.....

That doesn't mean that there IS something wrong with your son. It may just mean that you or someone in his daily routine is compensating for him. My sister started talking in sentences at 9m. My brother barely said anything at age 2y. My mom had him tested and the specialist said that he was a normal kid that was just content with what was or wasn't. The specialist also said that since my sister was a talker, that my brother was bundled in to her needs. When she was thirsty, Mom would get a drink for both of them. When sis wanted a snack, Mom would get one for both. So brother didn't NEED to ask for things. He would be hungry, but not say anything until he was asked.My Mom left Dad in charge one day. Dad is famous for skipping lunch. He didn't offer M anything to eat. When Mom came home at 3p she asked M (who was 5y and sitting 20 feet from the fridge) what he'd had for lunch. 'I haven't had lunch yet. ', 'Why not?', 'Dad didn't ask me or make me anything.' Dad who was sitting right there said, 'why didn't you say you were hungry? we've been sitting here for 2 hours!'. So Mom was mad at Dad for not feeding M. Dad was baffled at M for not saying he needed something.

Other things to consider-
-your son may have a hearing problem. My friend's son wasn't talking well, turns out he had an inner ear infection and couldn't hear in one ear!

Whether or not you should have asked your MIL to keep this from your husband or not is irrelevant. You now know that she is unable to keep a confidence for whatever reason. If you know this, then you can now adjust what you tell her in the future....