Looking for Support, When I Have No One to Talk To...

I'm so sorry, T.. Mu husband lost both his parents this summer.
Just listen when he needs to talk and show him affection.
God bless,
Victoria

Honey, I'm sorry for your loss.
I have had lots of loss in my life and it never gets easier except for one thing.
You have to let the regrets go.
It's not that you aren't entitled to them, but you loved your mother in law, right? I'm going to venture to say that she loved you.
She couldn't help leaving you, but she would never want you to tear yourself up over things you cannot change and something she couldn't help.
I say this because I had a nervous breakdown when my grandfather died. He was my hero. He was 85. I was 25 with his first grandbaby. I loved him so much that I wanted him with me forever. We had so much left to do, so many things for him to teach my daughter. I was a wreck.
Knowing how much he had loved and adored me, it dawned on me one day that he would never have done anything to hurt me. He couldn't help when his time came. I was way beyond being normally sad and the light just went on one day. He didn't want me to cry. No tears for him. He'd lived a happy life. And, I have kept him alive in the stories I tell my kids and friends about him. He's truly never far from me. I dream about him often. I honestly believe that's his way of visiting me. In my dreams we are so happy and laughing just like we always did. My dreams are so real that sometimes I'm sad to wake up and realize that he's gone. In the PHYSICAL form.
He always wanted a big beautiful grandson. He didn't live to see it, but he did get just what he wanted. My son is a blue eyed blonde, Swedish looking boy with what I"m pretty sure will be a body type taking after my Grandfather. I'm tiny, his dad isn't tall and built the same way. Not to mention the trademark hair and broad shoulders.
My Grandfather is with us all the time.
I feel it.

It takes a while after the shock of the loss. Once you feel you can replace the happy memories of them when they were with you with the sadness of them being gone, it does get easier.
I lost both of my in-laws. It was really tough because I loved them both very much. My husband made some really bad decisions, I think out of guilt and it all just spiralled.
Get counselling if you feel you need it. Someone passing so suddenly is far harder than knowing what you might be in for. You're even robbed of the hope that something can be done.
Just know that her body gave out on her, but her spirit is still with you.

Try to let that be a comfort to you at this difficult time.
Allow your husband the space to process this.
I had a horrible time when my dad died. I can't bear the thought of losing my mother. I stay in touch with her as much as possible.
It's all we can do.
Like I said, our bodies can't live forever. But we can keep our loved ones alive in our memories. My grandparents and my father live on in the very blood that runs through my kids' veins.
They are never really gone.
Life is for the living. Please don't spend it on regrets or what you could have done differently. Continue your love for her.
There is no reason not to.

I'm sorry for your loss and best wishes.

The best thing to do is listen to all he has to say. Let him cry, yell, be silent, but let him know you are there for him.

If he is a little shut down, you can let him know how you feel. Be honest.

lso think about the good things you will always remember about her and either record them or write them down. This will be a gift to your child in the future. Any stories she used to tell also write those down.

I am so sorry about this shocking loss. Just love each other and promise to work hard to stay close.

I am so very sorry. I lost my father a few years ago, though he had terminal cancer so it was expected, but it was still difficult.

As for your husband, everyone grieves differently, though they typically go through the different stages of grief, sometimes the order is a bit different. Here is what they are, what to look for and ways you can sense what is going on:
http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-th...

As for guilt, that is totally normal. Please be at peace, you did what you could at the end to rectify things, and it sounds as if you have some lovely, tender moments to think of. Try and forget the negative things in the past and use it to instead, create more lasting relationships with those you love who are still living. I believe, in my faith, that once we die we have greater understanding and love for our families. I personally believe your mother in law has a better view about the things in the past at this time and probably also has her regrets, and would rather everyone focus on the familial love shared instead as well.

Maybe you can compile pictures, have family members write down funny or touching stories from her past, even childhood. Focus on the positive. Let your husband cry, let him talk, or reflect in silence. If it is truly depressing his life without any hope, he may need to see a grief counselor.

I believe that God has a plan for us, and our families are our center core, through the atonement of Christ. Prayer, quite reflection and support can truly help. A little bit more about that here: http://mormon.org/plan-of-happiness/

Im sorry to hear about the loss of your mother in law. I know sometimes its hard to be on the friendly side of some family members, but it sounds like you made things right the past few days. It is all you could do and you cant feel guilty about it now. Even if you had been best of friends you would feel guilt about what you think you should have done. So, dont beat yourself up too much. You made her happy the last days and that will be a good memory for the kids. Just let your husband feel his feelings and hold him tight.

To start off, I apologize because I have incredible difficulties with empathy.

It is great that you guys made peace and your girls were able to say goodbye.

That said, It sounds like you were living in a bad situation and moving out was the best option for you all. Regrettably you did some immature and unhealthy things. More unfortunate would be that your in-laws did immature and unhealthy things to you - given they should have been the "adults" in the situation if anyone was expected to be. However, with the situation as it was, your family (husband and children) need to come first and it sounds like you all made a point to make that happen. I hear that you and your husband did what you needed to do to establish healthy boundaries in order to protect your family. That is great and a choice a lot of people don't make... It may have been made in anger but anger can be a healthy impetus toward healthier choices.

When you were faced with an opportunity to work things out, you chose to. It is highly regrettable that your precious children are without a grandmother now, but they will remember that when it came to it, you all were able to work it out and did.

To me it seems you made the necessary and healthy choices when needed. Regret that time was wasted - but don't beat yourself up or blame yourself for lost time (yes I realize that's easier said than done).

God bless.

It's perfectly normal to reflect after someone passes on. It makes you think of things that you could have done better. The reality of the situation is that your relationship with your MIL was as it was. When someone close to us dies it changes us every time, we learn from it and take something from it to the present. It's a teaching tool. Many people are affected when one person passes away. It generally teaches us to be kinder to those around us and to teach our children to be more compassionate to others. It would probably be a good thing to start spending more time with your FIL since he'll be alone and lonely, and when or if he starts dating again do your best to embrace the new woman in his life. Your husband will probably be a different person for awhile, he lost his mommy. I'd take cues from him and just go with the flow. Don't beat yourself up for not getting along with her in the past, it takes two to tango and she didnt get along with you either, it's no one's fault. But use this to help others to tolerate their inlaws because they are in fact our spouses parents and do deserve some degree of respect in most cases.

I am so sorry for your loss. Just be there for your husband if he wants to talk. Share your regrets with him. Share with him the treasure of having the time you did to make peace. Know that she has been spared from painful, toxic therapy that likely would have done no good. Celebrate the good in her life and in your shared life with her.

Everyone that has lost someone suddenly and unexpectedly learns the gift of keeping people close, learns to say "I love you" at the end of every phone call, learns to let go of the small stuff. Posting your story and regrets on this site reached so many people that you have already done a world of good today even in your sorrow. Thank you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

For your husband and his family be as kind as possible and offer to help any way you can. It's not too late to forge a better relationship with your father-in-law. Be as tender as you can and follow your husbands lead in what he needs. Some men need to talk. Some don't.

Acknowledge your own grief. Yes, this is your husbands Mom and his feelings are on the first line, but allow yourself to grieve as well. You have real feelings.

As far as your guilt with your MIL. I would encourage you to let it go best you can. I believe she can hear you where she is. So if you are comfortable, find a quiet place and tell her how you feel. Let her know you are sorry you had not been able to have a better relationship in this life and what your hopes are for her general peace now. Let her know you will be there for her husband and her son if you feel you can be. Let her know what about her you respected. I believe she can take that positive energy in.

Hi T.....my mother-in-law of twenty years (I married her one and only child when I was 18) died June 4th of this year after drowning in her own backyard pool on Memorial Day...we were devastated and shocked and disconnecting his mom's life support was terrible for my husband. I really didn't know how to help my husband either but it all seemed to happen naturally. If he was quieter than normal, then I assumed she was on his mind and I gave him space. We talked about my MIL and all the good memories and that brought lots of smiles to his face. The one thing that was a little different than I expected was that my husband seemed to have a desire for more physical intimacy in the few days and weeks following his mother's death. Where for us women that would be the last thing on our minds, I think for men it really brings all kinds of relief both physical and emotional. So, I tried to be sensitive to that and always be available when he was seeking that comfort. After all, there really is nothing more precious and sacred than one spouse meeting the other's needs (whatever that may entail) during very hard times like this. As far as your own grief, you can't change the past so use it to make much better decisions the rest of your life when it comes to relationships. And constantly tell your kids the good things about their grandmother....I just told my boys a couple days ago how excited Nana would have been to hear all about their first day of kindergarten last week. So sorry for your family's loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to make peace with her and you guys were able to spend some time with her. I'm sure it meant a great deal to her and it certainly created some good memories for your daughters.
My husband lost his best friend last year- I know it doesn't compare to a parent but he was devastated. They were best friends for 20 years. The only thing I could do for him was to be there. I hugged him when he cried (1st time I have seen him sob) and just sat with him when he needed it. I listened to him when he wanted to talk about his friend and held his hand throughout the services. Just be there for your husband- be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Be his support system.

Sometimes just being there and saying nothing is all that is needed. He will cue you as to what he needs through his words or his actions. As for yourself, none of us can live our lives in reverse. Forgive yourself and work on cultivating loving relationships meaning be loving to others, this way you will have very few regrets if any. Life is short.

As a woman of faith, I always talk to God and tell him how I am feeling and ask Him what I need to do. He always answers in many ways, through his Word in the Holy Bible, through people, and many others too but I know it is Him speaking when I have His Peace in my heart. His Voice is that still small voice in my heart and not in my head. I'm sorry for your loss.

Gosh, I am so very sorry for your loss- I feel like death is something that you can never be ready for-letting go of people is hard no matter what the case. All I can say is that you are absolutely doing the right thing by talking about it, getting things out of head and into words can be very healing, as for your husband- be his rock, be there for him, and let him need you. Death is sometimes very sad, but we have to remember that death is not the end of us- that is what Salvation is all about- life after death, for eternity! The time to heal your relationship is not gone, you can't live your life with regrets, learn from the past, change in the present and look forward to the future! I pray you will find comfort and peace during this difficult time, and even when no one is there or you feel alone- you are never alone, come to the cross!
My father committed suicide on Christmas 5 years ago- although it was life changing for our family, it gives me amazing peace knowing there will come a day we will meet again- Love and hugs to you and your family, God bless you!

My mother in law died of brain cancer 3 1/2 years ago. WHen he loses it, and I hope he does because it sure is not good to hold it in, just be there to hhold him or listen or whatver he needs.

I am so sorry for your loss and sorry that you are feeling sad and with regrets. You must know though that if you were to give another person advice in this situation, you would say to them that things happened the way they were supposed to happen. You acted the way you felt you should act with the given situation and circumstances. Everyone who loses someone ALWAYS says "I wish I would have done or said...." and we can never be perfect enough as humans to have done it right 'the first time'. You must forgive yourself and know that things were done on both sides that might not have been kind or appropriate but it is done and it was the way it happened. I am sure she had her own regrets as well in her last days. With that being said, I think that the apologies were known without saying. the thoughts of apology and forgiving were there and I think you both felt the closeness at the end.
As far as comforting your husband, all you can do is hug him and tell him that you are there if he wants to talk or cry. Men hold in their feelings most of the time and just want to know they are loved.
Blessings to you and your family.

My MIL found out she had small cell cancer on her liver the Monday before Christmas 2004. It was pretty bad but I didn't know it. She did chemo for a short time but got a stomach virus that nearly killed her that April. She was in the hospital for about a week. I was the only one out of her, my FIL, and my hubby that did not get it. I got to sit with her and watch TV and visit the whole week before she went in the hospital.

She seemed to be getting better but died that July 5th, right before her birthday. My FIL called about 6:30 one evening to tell us she had passed away. My hubby was at work so I called his team manager and asked them to send him home, they asked why, I told her "His Dad just called and said his mom has passed away", she went and told my hubby his dad had died, yes, she told him his DAD had died. He was totally confused.

I bawled like a baby for hours, I really liked my MIL, she was smart, resilient, had so much down to earth knowledge, and was just a lady 100% of the time. She was so fun to spend time with too.

I miss her every day as does my FIL, he posts about her often on FB. But my hubby didn't really act like it was a big deal, never cried, never appeared sad, etc...He is one of these guys who say they choose their emotions and he choose not to be sad. He had a heart attack exactly one year later on July 5th.

My grandpa died when I was two. I have a couple memories of him, and I realize I am lucky for that. I always believe that he was watching over me. Someone had to be I was a mischievous child to say the least. Everything I did I considered a memory with him. Every story someone told me about him became a new memory.

When my grandma died I felt I didn't have enough time with her. I accepted that she was with grandpa, really he could use the help watching over me. At least for me that is how I didn't lose time with either of them. We have all the time I still have on earth, ya know.

Let him know it is okay to still talk to her. That she will always be with him. I don't know about your family but I always found comfort in remember all the fun things we did. :)