Looking for Advice on Discipline for 18 Month Old

Welcome to the terrible twos. Have you read the Happiest Toddler on the Block. It has some good ideas and sometimes redirection won't work. I have to take my youngest son with me to drop off my older the one at preschool. My son goes to a cooperative preschool and on the days when I assist the teacher the younger one stays. He also goes to a parents day out once a week at the same center. But on the days that we don't stay I always have to carry the screamer out of the building. Sometimes there is nothing you can do execpt ignore him. Acknowledge his need and repeated to him but otherwise be appoligetic other mothers will understand we all go through this.

I agree with Mi on this one. If you give too much attention during the tantrum, he will continue to do what works. Take him out to the car if you need too even and ignore him until he's done. It won't take long for him to learn it doesn't work anymore. If he does it at home, put him in his room and tell him you can come out when he's done crying. Kids (and adults) do what works for them. You just have to make sure this doesn't work for him.

Also, my kids were always short fused when they were hungry. Try giving him a snack if it seems to happen at the same time every day.

As you know every child reacts and behaves differently. Unfortunately its all a matter of trial and error. Is there any pattern to your sons tantrums? Do they happen when he's getting tired...is he switching from two naps to one? Does he do it to get attention? Is he getting aggravated b/c he can't communicate his feelings, thoughts, ideas? I have noticed my son will have outbursts/tantrums like this when he's sleepy or when he was having trouble communicating. One thing that I found that worked with my 19 month old son when he has outbursts like this is to talk to him like an adult. Explain to him what the schedule is going to be. Such as "once we are finished with dance class we are going to go home and he can nap." Once I've told him what the next step is I ask him if he understands. He will usually respond with a yes. If he doesn't and he continues to throw a tantrum I jokingly tell him to go ahead and throw the tantrum that he's hurting himself more than he is anyone else. Then I refocus my attention on my daughter or something else. Usually if talking to him hadn't worked this will b/c he understands that his tantrums aren't going to effect me...and he stops. Then again there are times that it isn't and that when we move on to trying other things such as singing a song, etc.

You are right to start discipline at this age. Spanking is not for punishment, but a swat to the rear gets the childs attention, then give the punishment. Best punishment for any child, any age is separation from rest of the family and friends. My youngest was very much the same at that age.
When he acts up, don't try to give him things that he likes; he needs punishment. If you have to leave the room or the building, do so. It will only take a few times and he will learn that he is not going to get away with this. You can even do "practice" runs. Take him where you know he acts up, tell him if he does you will take him home immediately and put him in his bed. I know this is a little difficult when you are at dance class with another child. Maybe you could arrange with a sitter, a friend, relative, to be there with you to dance class and if he acts up, you can take him home and let the other person bring your daughter home afterward.
If he acts up in stores (mine did a lot), go when you don't really need much of anything. When he acts up, leave immediately.
When you get home with him, put him in his bed or playpen, 5-10 minutes at first, longer as he keeps acting up. If you are consistent, he will learn.
My son started acting up in church about age 4. I finally had it, and after church put him in his room for an hour. The next week, he acted up again, I put him in his room for 2 hours. He did not act up in church again after that.

Most of my sons' 2-yr-old tantrums seemed to be about communication. If I could tell them what it was they wanted, that calmed them down whether or not I gave it to him or not: "I know you want to have a cookie, but I want you to have these carrots now." or "Do you want that toy from the shelf? Use words to ask for it." Once they knew I knew what they wanted, they would usually calm down.
Other triggers:
Having to make abrupt changes in activities. Warn him when he is going to have to stop doing something fun. "Just a few more minutes, then we have to leave the playground." Then give him one last thing to do that closes the activity: "Say goodbye to the slide, we'll see it again next time."
Not having any control over what he does. Give him choices about things you expect him to do: "Do you want to put away the red blocks first, or the blue ones?" " Would you rather have carrots or apples for your snack?" (Try not to ask yes or no questions; odds are he will say no!)
Wanting to leave when you can't, like when you were stuck at your daughter's dance class. You have to be more creative here. Do you really need to stay at the dance class? This might be a great opportunity for alone time with your son, doing something HE likes; your daughter will also learn that she can get along without you for a short time. If you are required to stay, make sure you have enough toys and stories to keep your son occupied. And if he starts to melt down, tell him you know he wants to leave, but you have to stay for just x many more minutes, and tell him something fun you will do on the way home. (Even if it's just waving at a statue from the car on the way by, it's something!) Again, letting him know that you understand why he is frustrated will help.
Usually, these things will stop tantrums, especially if you stay calm. If you let them get too riled up before you start though, you might not be able to talk them out of it, so stay on top of their moods!

In this case, I would have taken him to the lobby or some other area that was quiet and safe and just let him melt down into a puddle on the floor. If this was an attention-seeking tantrum, he certainly got your attention! If he learns that tantrums get your full an undivided attention, he will continue to throw them. By removing him from a situation and allowing him to process through his feelings but not drawing any attention to his theatrics, you give him the opportunity to A) calm down and B) learn that you're not going to be a captive audience when he throws a fit. When our son started tantrums at home, we'd simply let him throw himself on the floor and carry on with his fit. My husband and I would turn and face each other and create a pretend conversation giving the impression that we were 'ignoring' him. When I am by myself, I pick up a magazine or a book and begin to read it. He sees that I am not fazed by his actions so they end almost immediately. He has learned that he isn't going to get his way by screaming and crying because I am certainly not going to give in just to 'shut him up'.

Ignore, ignore, ignore when the offering of another toy or redirect fails. Even though he is a boy or the second child, still hold him to the same standard you do your daughter. And just remember, if an actor has no audience...then he has no play!

Video called "1-2-3 Magic" for parents to watch together. Guy (I think name is Phelan?) is a bit boring, but the system works well, even for ADHD children. Recommended by therapists. Check out copy at local library or used copy on Amazon?

My youngest started having meltdowns after being a quiet and great child. At first I wasn't very patient with him;yelling at him or other means but then I began to realize because he could not use words to communicate to me that he was frustrated that I could not understand him. We would drive by this one street and he would begin to act out. I don't know what did it but it's like I began to look at him differently and realized he was trying tell me he wanted to go to the park. Well I got more creative and started talking to him more to make sure I was understanding him. He did have speech delay and what began our journey into the world of communication disorders and auditory processing issues. He was diagnosed at 3 officially and began therapy then. He is now 10 and a chatter box. He still deals with processing issues; he lacks common sense but I have learned a lot about children and developmental issues. I think it is great that you are doing signing. I would develop that more. Also kids are still learning about the world around them, it's a 18 year journey to adult hood. They don't understand how they are supposed to behave, try to prepare him before you go. These kids also don't handle transition well and need us to be understanding. He is so young and only understands that he feels uncomfortable; he probably doesn't know why and or how to process it so kids act out. Good luck to you. It took me 4 kids to figure this out.

I can certainly understand you wanting to find a solution; my little girl who is 18 months can be more difficult sometimes too. However, an 18 month old child (actually any child) is not committing crimes that require punishment. He's trying to tell you something. Perhaps he is feeling jealous of the older sibling or something like that. It sounds like you were doing all you could to keep him occupied at the dance class; maybe he didn't feel well. I would continue with trying to redirect him. Chances are when he does it in public it's in places that are "boring" for him and I know it's quite a challenge to keep an 18 month entertained while you are also trying to run errands (my 18 month old is the worst shopping buddy ever!) but any sort of "punishment" would be negative attention, and if he's seeking attention then negative attention is better than nothing so it could escalate the problem rather than solve it. My children are close in age like yours are and most of the trantrums seem to revolve around jealousy and trying to get my attention. Good luck!

try Dr. Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block book. good stuff!

Welcome to the world of the temper trantrum! My son never had them, it was my daughter, the older child, who could and would do this at unexpected times. Ignoring it is not really a good idea. Discipline is unfortunately the answer and had to decide how best to handle the situation in public where you can't just put them in the high chair or bed and walk away until they decide to stop is another problem when not at home. I would ask what was wrong, were they thirsty, hungry, did they need to go to the bathroom? Were they bored and just wanted my undivided attention for a moment. If a toy or cuddle and me offering to read was not the solution we simply went to the washroom or the car.
They had three minutes to get it out of their system before the ultimation was given. If you want to cry and have a fit I am happy to provide you with a reason to be crying. We can pull down your pants and apply three swats to your bare bottom so you will have a reason to carry on. If they continued they got the three swats, we went back to the public area and I held them in my lap ignoring the outburst until it stopped.
Never wait until you are angry or frustrated to apply the swats. They need to be hard enough to sting a little, but not hard enough to really leave a mark. And yes, it is legal to apply swats to the bottom end of a child.

I always remember something my preschool teacher told me about my son. Who was very difficult and strong willed.

When misbehavior happens think "Reasons for misbehavior".
Is he needing comfort...is he sick?
Is he scared and feeling insecure needing reassurance?
Is he wanting his own way?

If I could figure out what the reason for his misbehavior was then I was better at handling it. I had to learn to ignore his meltdowns but in public it is harder. I used the car as a safe place when they happened. I would leave a whole cart full of groceries and tell the clerk I would be right back after I had teaching moment with my child. It seemed the more I tried to comfort him the more he melted down but a walk to the car time out worked...was really hard for me as I had to leave the mall...leave the grocery store...leave a friends house.

If I could put him in a safe place and ignore his meltdown with time he figured it out that it was not going to work. It was really hard for me but I figured that the world is my classroom with my child. I learned to ignore on lookers. I learned to not feel embarassed (took me a long time...I am strong willed too...hum who would figure my son would be)...with time...and determination it helped. I hope this helps a little.

I have to add my 2 cents worth. I don't agree with those who say spanking or "swats on the bottom" are necessary. My kids never had "a swat" or spankings and they are respectful, successful, and well adjusted young people. I think that Jen and Mi and Sue have some good points. You will need to try to see what sets off these outburts. Are they tired, bored, hungry or frustrated because they can't communicate their wishes well yet. Hunger was a big thing for my kids. Be sure they have had a snack before going to the class. A snack during the class might help but they may already be headed into the "hungry, cranky bear" mood so it is better to head off such times BEFORE they start. Sometimes I would take my other child out to the car or for a walk (while waiting for older sib in gymnastics class etc)Also I would have to do a lot of redirecting of their attention and I also would use the "ignore the undesirable behavior and reward the good". Sometimes the poor behaviour starts when you are not paying enough attention because of chatting with the other moms and suddenly the kids are getting restless and a tantrum is just around the corner. It takes observation of what circumstances will set off the tantrum. Sometimes you just have to remove the child from the space and let them carry on with their tantrum without the audience and I too would ignore the tantrum(so they would not get the reward of having me as their audience)It would usually end pretty quickly then. Sometimes with close observation you can sense when they are getting frustrated and this is the time to pay attention and NOT ignore them so that you may be able to head off the tamrtum before it begins. This too shall pass (but often not nearly soon enough!!)