I want to address the issue of PILLS.
Suppose you went to a doctor and he told you that you were a severe diabetic and would have to be on insulin the rest of your Life? BUT, that if you took the insulin every day, you could live a LONG, normal, happy Life?
Would you take the insulin?
Medication to control or improve your mental health is no different. It sounds like you have a temporary condition. A few meds for a few months will definately help you, along with counselling. No decent doctor will just hand you a prescription and send you on your merry way. Nor will a few pills cure the way you think. You need some sort of guidance to help you re-train your thought processes.
I can make these statements. I've been a controlled bi-polar for almost half of my Life. The first 30 years were unbearable! Then I finally took my Life back! I've since been transformed into a very happy, stable person! Just got my college degree (finally!) and am one of those "happy ever after" stories. (And, no, it doesn't make you feel STONED or goofy!!!)
There's no shame in asking for help. God lead me to the right place at the right time. Ask...you WILL receive!
"If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy."