Letting Go of Anger and Hurt Feelings?

When my bff and I have a strong difference of opinions I have to take a step back and try to look at the situation from her point of view. Why does she have this extreme opinion, what happened in her life to make her feel so strongly about this. Then, when I can understand why she feels that way, I can start to feel more understanding and accept her differences.

My bff has strong opinions about a LOT of things. I am strongly opinionated too. If you haven't been able to tell from some of my posts...lol.

But we make it through thick and thin because we respect each other and accept we have some opposite opinions on highly heated topics.

It just takes seeing this person as a whole person and not a person who's just being oppositional..

Yes B hit it right on the nose. You agree to disagree and move on. If everyone in the world had the same opinion on every subject what a boring place the world would be.

My very best friend, who was like a sister to me, so much so that my mom calls her "daughter" and she calls my mom "mom," hurt me terribly.

Honestly? I had to remove myself from the friendship. I think I'm nearly at the point where I could forgive her (it'd be easier if she'd actually apologize, but she still hasn't), but I know I can't be friends with her anymore. She poisoned any friendship that might have been.

Give it some time. But know this: Some friendships won't last. And you're not a bad person for not staying in a friendship that is beyond repair.

This might help you: http://drpretzelphilosopher.wordpress.com/2010/12/27/hate...

You need to agree to disagree.
You are entitled to your opinion and she is entitled to her opinion.
You both might be right or you both might be wrong.
If the subject is more important to you than the friendship then the friendship is pretty much over.
If the friendship means more than the subject, then the friendship will survive even if you meet each other on opposite sides of a protest line.
She knows your opinion and you know hers.
Just drop it and don't discuss it anymore.
Neither of you is going to change the others mind and that's all that a rehash over it would be.
Sometimes there is no resolution.
I'd be interested to know what the subject in question is.

Since you asked how to let go of your anger, I will only answer your post in that way.

Years ago I was taught a method to deal with a friend who hurt me very deeply and wouldn't acknowledge my pain. I had to spend a few moments each day thinking of the person who hurt me, close my eyes and smile, think of them doing something loving and wish them the very best. In the meantime, I was not to obsess on what had happened . Not easy! But nothing was going to change it.

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that it took a long time to diminish the hurt. But I did feel better gradually. I wish you all the best.

Here's another way to work through your feelings that is helpful for some people, and it has helped me with a few varied issues: www.thework.com/‎

I have found that the most difficult things to let go of are generally things I am (perhaps unconsciously) afraid might be true about me. If they hit my "shame" button, particularly, those events can be hard to rise above. It's okay, I've learned, to accept that I'm not always going to be the person I want to be, and that I have done or said things that I am ashamed of. My work then becomes healing the shame, which is MY work, rather than changing the other person's understanding, which (sorry to report) almost never works.

Take it from me. Do not pinpoint what the argument is about on this site. If you have made a few close pals here, then write and tell them. Otherwise, it will become fodder for all of your future posts!

Just take the general idea of what the mamas have posted and go with that. Good luck.

For me, I have learned the longer you linger in a standoff, the harder it is to mend.

I find that if the anger is out of proportion to the situation or I can't let go of it, I am really angry about something else. Was the trigger something that has been ongoing for a while but never addressed? Are you tense about someone else in your life? Did this bring up bad memories? Look deeper at the anger and see if there isn't something else feeding it.

Is your relationship more important than this issue?

If you found out this week that you had cancer, would you want this person by your side?
If you found out they had cancer, would you want to be by their side?

The older i get, the fewer things that bother me that much. I think it's because if it did, there would be too much to get over. Life is a series of disappointed expectations sometimes. Throw out the bad and do all you can to keep the good.

This is a great question and I really admire you for all the work you are doing to make this right. I wish we all did as you are doing, then anger wouldn't cause anywhere near as much damage as it now does. Good for you.

Definitely take Peg's suggestions and look at what is really driving your part in this dispute, and your reaction to it. That's a great learning opportunity, and as she notes, the only part you have any ability to change is your own role, not anyone else's.

Time will help too, something this recent will take time to settle. Also, it depends on what happened: If this incident exposed a difference in core values that you didn't realize existed until now, your friendship can survive, but it may be significantly altered. It might never be the same as you thought it was before, but how it is now is more true. Understand and respect who you both are, regardless of differences. It's okay to grieve for the loss of how you thought things were between you, but if you can accept her for who she really is -- and vice versa -- then you've a got (and are!) a true friend.

I lost a very dear friendship due to being so angry (on both sides) that we just could not discuss the problem without being offended. I am still not sure whether it was time for the friendship to be over anyway, or if we could have mended things. In any case, I do wish that I would have done the following (and of course, hindsight is 20/20)...
-I loved what Gamma said about thinking about it from your friend's point of view, as a whole person rather than as from someone who is just being oppositional. Also love what another said about thinking about how you would feel if one of you had cancer...would you still value this friendship? Is it worth saving? Do you just want an apology...at any cost- are you taking a stand, perhaps there have been a lot of little things that have been eating at you with this friendship and this one situation was the straw that broke the camel's back?
-Communicate. By communicate, I mean: face to face, or at least over the phone. Texting and emailing probably sealed the doom on our friendship. While I thought "in writing" was for the best, so that I could really thing about my feelings and not say anything rash, it caused problems because with writing, tone is often misunderstood; there was no quick clarification and also the response time was awful. A good friend is owed more than a text or an email and I have learned that now.
-If you are super angry, it is ok to not necessarily forgive and forget right away. I am not sure what your particular issue was about, but it was obviously something that hurt you. It is ok to say, "Friend, I am angry still. You are important to me but I need a bit of time to bring my emotions down. I know this situation has not been resolved but I would like to work on that when I am feeling less upset". I think this is much better than sweeping it all under the rug, saying "it's ok" when it you are still bothered, or ignoring your friend until you feel better. It might be a while before you feel better.
-Time often heals. I know right now this is a huge stressful all-consuming thing. Give it some time and take some space. Find other things that bring joy.

The first thing I would say, from my own experience, is let yourself have your feelings. Label them, and look at them, and don't judge yourself for having them. You are not a bad person for being angry, and you shouldn't question your judgement--every has a right to their feelings (we tell our kids that, and it also applies to ourselves as well!). If you can, identify why you feel the way you do. For me, understanding why I was feeling the way I did/do sometimes helps me with the intensity of the feelings.

The second thing I would say is that you should put some distance between you and the friend. If you are hurt, you need some down time away from the relationship.

Unfortunately, when we are hurt in a relationship, especially when we don't feel respected or understood by the party that hurt us, it can permanently change the relationship. Sometimes, after the feelings are less intense, it simply means that we understand the limitations of the relationship and work around it (within ourselves, or outwardly), and sometimes it means that we let go of the friendship altogether.

Why isn't it alright for you and your friend to have a difference in opinion?

Explore within yourself why you are hurt? Get to the root of your pain and it's cause. Perhaps she touched an exposed nerve which you will need to deal with. Even if you can't get to the bottom of your pain by being honest with yourself about why you feel how you feel the just know...B is spot on. Agree to disagree.

It also may just be a case of it's time to let the friendship go. Some friendships weren't meant to last a lifetime but only for a season. I had a friend I was particularly close to. She made a decision that hurt me deeply and at the time cost my family income. Her explanation was she had to do what was right for her family. I felt like she made that decision at the expense of my family. I tried to continue the friendship but it was never the same. Long story short, here we are 4 years after the original offense and my financial hardship has been wiped clean and substancially eliminated like the darkness leaving when you turn on the lights. Occassionally I see her and I wish her well but we will probably never be close friends ever again. I don't call her and we no longer hang out. I expect much more loyalty from my close friends. She has been downgraded to acquaintance status and it's fine with each of us.

It would be much better for those of us answering your post if we had more details on the specifics but hopefully our answers and insights will help none-the-less.

Ali,

What was the topic that caused such hurt feelings? If it's something you can't change? You need to let it go.

I've had my best friend for 37 years. We've had our disagreements. We disagree about politics. We discuss them and learn the others perspective, but much of the time? We agree to disagree.

Do you HAVE to agree on this subject? If so - why? Why is it so important that you agree? You need to answer those questions to find out if you can let the anger go.

Call and find out if she's still upset. What does she want to do? If she's still mad - then you both need to try to be adults and discuss it again. If no compromise can be made? And you still want to keep the friendship? Agree to disagree and don't discuss the subject again.

Hope this helps!

Breathe deeply and repeat, 'maranatha'. It's a form of mediation that I have found helps with anger and stress.

You didn't explain the actual situation that caused the hurt feelings, so it's hard to asses whether or not your reaction is reasonable. Sometimes people may thing you're over-reacting so they don't understand why it's such a big deal. You should add some additional information so we can see it from an objective viewpoint.