Learning to Cope/deal When You Can't Plan and You're a Planning Freak

You are doing what you can to avoid the deep thoughts pounding away at the back of your mind. Please just stop. Stop the planning, stop the worrying, everything.

Your husband is not in a good place mentally, he could have seriously hurt you, he has escalated past the normal boundaries of his regular behavior. He must get in with a therapist for anger management and for his underlying mental issues that effect his actions during this change that happens each October.

Who cares where you are going for the holidays, stay at home with the kids, invite some family over if it means that much to you. Hubby needs to be there only if he wants to be there.

Just start trying to let things go and take it one day at a time. It might make life a bit easier on everyone involved in this mess hubby has made.

No one has commented on your statement about depression. If your husband is in fact depressed, it won't just lift in a few weeks. He needs help to get out of it and he may even have trouble acknowledging he is depressed.
For you, I agree that you plan what you can and work on being able to relax and change those plans without if causing anxiety. That's not easy but it may give you enough structure to cope. Good Luck.

You find comfort in your schedule. It's understandable you are looking for answers- if you have a schedule you can maintain a level of normality.

Here is my answer: Make the plans you can make. Don't be afraid to change your plans. Be flexible, and learn to bend. Some things will happen, others will change. When things change- take a DEEP breath- remind yourself that while you are not in control of things everything will work out for the best, and it will all be OK.

Best wishes-

I am the planning sort, my ex-wasn't. Every so often, I'd let him set the agenda, or not, and let go of the planning for that day. We'd lounge around the house, have coffee and read the paper, go for a walk towards nowhere in particular, skip stones, take a long bath, and then watch a movie and order in dinner. Not at all structured, not at all ambitious, not at all productive. I'd have to remind myself that slow can be ok too. When all this doing nothing in particular was getting to me, I'd remind myself, that I could pack it in and then some, the next day.

The take away is, if you can identify what you can't plan and control, it might help you come to terms with it.

If he's moved out, it's time to get yourself a Separation Agreement. It's kind of like a "pre-divorce," the agreed-upon rules until a divorce is finalized.

The SA will have agreed upon visitation and so forth. You can find one online and complete it, have it notarized, and file it with the courts, or you can get with your attorney to have it done. They're easy and cheap and I VERY MUCH suggest that you do one if you aren't sure where your relationship with this man is headed.

A lot of if/then thinking and planning. You can't "control" the situation or forsee EVERY possibilty, but you can plan out a decision tree with a lot of if/thens on it. It's really helpful for situations (like birth, or health crisis, or relationship troubles) where you can't control the situation either because you can't control mother nature or you can't control the other person in the relationship but where you NEED to control the decion making and your responses to the situation! Especially if you might need to make the decions quickly when the time comes

I agree with Ephie and Christine...you need to take some control of your own life. Maybe he's suffering from depression still, or maybe he's being silent because he wants to punish you (which would be really abusive and controlling). Ultimately it doesn't matter because you need to have your needs met too. You are half of this relationship.

I would take comfort in my kids, and my relatives, during the holidays. I know it is hard not to worry about what he is planning, but maybe when the dust clears a little you will ask yourself what YOU want. You are still young, and have many good years ahead of you. How do you want to spend those years?

It' probably okay to be thinking about all this, if you can't help but do it. What's important is that you don't DO anything about it. Don't try to deal with your husband. Leave him alone. Get all your ducks in a row in case of a separation.

You need to go see a lawyer and find out everything that he or she needs. You need the lawyer to prevent your husband from dropping you and your child from the medical insurance at work. You need to put important papers in a safety deposit box or at a trusted friend's house so that he can't take them. You also should get any precious jewelry or sentimental pieces out of your house so that he can't hurt you by taking them. Angry husbands without his issues have done this.

You need to protect YOURSELF from him borrowing money on credit cards that will have to be paid back by YOU. That's another thing your lawyer can help you with. Believe me, you don't want to be on the hook for thousands of dollars for him to set up housekeeping in a new apartment.

You can't control what he tells people. Just get past that. Sit down with a contingency plan. Research "what to do in case of divorce in MA", something like that. Do everything you need to do, especially what YOUR lawyer says, and then cross them off the list. That will make you feel like you have some control.

As important as this is, go for counseling, by yourself. That might help your anxiety more than anything else.

I'm glad you can talk to your inlaws. That is so important.

Hugs to you,
Dawn

I think maybe this is how you're coping with the situation...by worrying about the small stuff right now. The best advice I can give you for now is to just deal with what is in your immediate future. And by immediate, I mean today. Things might be up in the air for a while and its out of your comfort zone. Deft try some yoga/pilates...meditation, praying...keeping a journal to sort your feelings out.

Good luck