Late Leavers

Haha I have this problem with my own mother! If she comes over at the same time as a group of friends or family, she is always the last to leave. And it's not like she stays to help clean up--she usually just chats me up while I'm doing the cleaning. And then, she'll sit down on my couch and fall asleep! AARRGHh! I have learned to just tell her (and I'm probably blunt about it) that it's time to go. I've also come to realize that if I don't tell her, then I'm partly to blame for her over-staying. What used to happen is I wouldn't really say anything other than general comments like, "Boy, I'm tired" and hope she would get the hint. But she wouldn't, and I'm worse than a kid about getting cranky when I'm tired, so by the time she finally left I would be in a bad mood and irritable with everyone. I finally decided that for my own sanity, and so no one else would have to put up with my bad mood, I just had to start telling her it's time to leave.

Late leavers - I love the title of this one. It is possible they don't know how to leave. I know that sounds weird but it's a real skill on both ends - 1 being able to say, "we've had fun and now we are leaving" and 2 being able to say "we've had fun and now it's time for you to leave". I tend to agree with many other posts suggesting an "end" time but that isn't always feasible. In those cases I might suggest you try something like "okay son, 5 more minutes of play then we need to get ready for bed" then ask the adults if they'd like to take left overs home, suggest a get together later in the week or next week or whatever, mention how much fun it always is to get together, you know, the general "party is over" stuff without coming right out and saying you need to leave. Now, if they don't leave on their own you might have to say something like "I wish we could hang out all day/night but we've gotta get to bed (or to the grocery store or whatever). It's always so nice having you over. What are you doing next week?". I honestly feel if you end it with making a plan for the future any awkward feelings that may be there are squelched. My personal opinion. :)

Good luck!
T.

The next time you have a playdate, set a time. From 1-3:30 or something like that. If they ask what are you doing after 3:30, tell them you have an appt. When its time for them to go, make sure you give a 10 min warning like say ok, in 10 min, we have to get going kids---- and its time to clean up. At 3:30, get your coat, purse etc, gather your kids and wait for them to leave the house with you. Put your kids in the car and drive around for few min then come back home. Problem solved. Or if you don't want to physically leave, say you have some things to do--hand her her things and purse and say thank you so much for coming today. Its time to go, but lets get together another time next week!

hope this helps.

M

I have the same problem but with 2 different moms! I home school my kids so they think it's just party all day/night. Their husbands go home early then say do you want to come with me now or do you guys want to catch a ride home later? Then I end up being the designated driver at 11:00 Pm. Grrr. But now I really try to make the plans at a public place OR their house so we can leave at an appropriate time. But if they weasel their way into our house, as I make the play date I have to say OK but I have to be done by this time, I have errands to run or I have a doc appointment, or schooling to get done or what not. I make it sound reeaally boring & long so they don't get tempted to come along or stay & wait till I'm done with schooling that day.

I really try not to lie either so I try to make appointments on those days we make plans. Also what works is nap time/bed time. Oh we have to be done by 1:00Pm today because Suzy has to take her nap & we've been letting her get by with no naps lately & it just throws her whole day off so I can't let that happen anymore! Or when I give them the invite to a party at my house I say it's from this time to this time so we can get in bed at this time. Then a half hour before it's set to end call the kids & in front of the "over stayers" I say 15 Min guys before you have to start getting ready for bed so start cleaning up now K? Then 15 min later close to the time the play dates/party's set to end I say OK time to say your goodbyes guys, give hugs & thank you's time to get ready for bed! Then I turn around to the parent(s) & say well thank you for coming we had lots of fun, time to get ready for bed now, fun fun. Then they usually get the hint. :)

.

Just stand up and say, "well, we have to be getting ready for bed..." or "well, guys, it's been fun, but we have some errands we have to run..." It will be hard the first time you do this, but it will get easier. You have a right to end when you want to, no matter how much you like them. Three hours is actually the normal amount of time for most occasions, maybe 4 or 5 hours if you're having a ton of fun; occasionally longer for a big party or unusually special occasion. Most people don't stay anywhere NEAR 9 hours.

p.s. - I agree with Tracey -- I remember when I was in my 20's I didn't know how to leave, even when I wanted to. I remember going to a dinner at a couple's house one time, and ending up in their bedroom looking at stuff after 10:00 at night, just me and the two of them. Awkward!! I'm laughing my head off remember that one. It's still embarrassing to remember. They should have kicked my butt out.

Time to learn to be assertive.

My mother in law is excellent at pushing people out politely--she just starts gathering our stuff and saying "well let me help you get to the car" and literally walks us out and even buckles our toddler in haha

Updated

My mother in law is excellent at pushing people out politely--she just starts gathering our stuff and saying "well let me help you get to the car" and literally walks us out and even buckles our toddler in haha

If it is not an impromptu drop in -- Meaning, if it is an event where invites are sent or planning emails exchanged -- Then be sure to state a start AND an end time. Perhaps even mention that you can only get together until X:XX o'clock because you have other plans.

When that ending time approaches -- Skip the hints. Tell the kids, "Boys! 5 minute warning...It is almost time for the party/playdate to end."

Gather their coats. Gather up their bags, etc. Tell them what a great time you have had. Shake their hand or give them a hug. And then show them the door and say, "Thanks for coming. See you soon."

My FIL does this and it can really destroy a day (or a vacation...as in the time he drove 3 hours to crash our summer vacation and stayed for 2 1/2 days). Never again...At least that is what I keep telling my DH = )

Be blunt.
Say It's 7:30 time for Johnny to take a bath. Then get your son in the bathtub and excuse yourself.
Or Say Oh Gee it's getting late I have to get up really early. Let me get your coats, we'll see you tomorrow.
Have hubby go to bed and take your son with him.
As soon as their son has no one to play with he'll get tired and cranky.
When they come over say I only have about an hour, then I have to go ______ even if you just leave and go to the grocery store or drive around the block she will leave, she cant' stay in your house without you.

I have a friend like that and when I'm ready for her to leave with her kids, I just go about our normal night time routine and tell her kids to stay in the other room. She still doesn't get it most of the time but I'm not about to put off my kids bed time just for her to hang out a little longer.

I agree to try and set an ending time before the play date day. Say something like okay, well if you want to come by around 12 that would be great but I have someplace to be at 4, so that will give them plenty of time to play! Or use the bath or bed time or whatever else! I'm not a huge fan of "lying" per say b/c it just feels awkward so even if you don't have anything pressing to do mention that you'll have to get dinner ready or your evening routine started by a certain time and be definitive that is the time you expect them to leave! Good luck!

Set times, as Molly suggested. Stick with your routine, as Margie suggested.

Another option is to bring the other mom in on it as a plan, and make it 'your' problem. "Gee, I have had a tough time with Kiddo whenever our kids get together, because they have such great fun with each other and then my son doesn't get to bed on time. Could help me by helping your kids say goodbye at 'x' time?"

If you don't have an evening playdate, I've found it's good to do the "oh, we have to get somewhere" routine. Maybe even "Oh, it's time for me to do "x", and so I guess we should say goodbye. Can I walk you and the kids out to the car?" If you've told them in advance the window of time for the playdates, this shouldn't be too awkward. Hopefully, they'll get it.:)

H.

my parents had friends that always stayed too long, trying to mooch a dinner. So my mom would make liver & onions, (they hated it) and the smell sent them on their way :)