Kinda long, but I really need advice. I appreciate anyone who helps!! Here goes...
I've had family in San Antonio for all my life (dad, granparents, a & u, cousins), & I practically grew up with them. My parents divorced early, & I spent every other weekend in SA. I've always felt like I never truly belonged to that family. They are very church-going people, but it seemed that they didn't really like me because I wasn't. That feeling became stronger the older I got.
I always visited them. They never came to see me. When they were in Houston, I would find out later...even my dad. I was never high on his priority list, broke promises to me often, barely showed up to my wedding, etc...I could go on, but ya'll get the picture. It bothered me a lot, but I just chalked it up to being him. I sorta felt like it was maybe my fault because I wasn't the best person I could be at that time.
My DH didn't like that family the minute he met them, so we went to major events (babies, weddings, graduations, etc.) only. They would complain a bit, but I never really told them how I felt. So I got pregnant with my 1st 3 years ago. I had severe, severe complications, & I almost died. Seriously, the hospital wanted to bring the priest in. I was put in a coma for 1 month for my kidneys & lungs to heal.
Anyhoo, my dad only came to visit when he found out I was dying, & he just came in the beginning for a couple of days. He ended up showing up the last day I was in the hospital (after a 2 month stay). He was late (9:00 pm), & I found out he & my uncle went to the dog tracks before they came to visit me. My aunt was supposed to come that trip, but she ended up having to do something at her church. One cousin had 2 kids, so she decided that she couldn't come. My other cousin happened to be in town visiting a friend, & they decided to come visit me in the ICU for 5 min. She brought a friend!!!!!!! Other than that, no one from SA came to visit.
When I got out & came home, I decided that I had had enough. I stopped calling them just to see what would happen, but only my dad called me every couple of months. I realized that it was just because of my son. 3 years later, none of them have bothered to call--oh, & my grandparents passed away before this. I finally confronted my dad on e-mail (I know I'm chicken--I get too emotional face-to-face), & he stopped talking to me. I haven't heard from him in 1 1/2 years. I've tried to force him to e-mail me back, but he doesn't. I found out from a distant cousin that my whole family knows how I feel.
They feel like since I stopped talking to them that it's my fault. No one will pick up the phone or keyboard to contact me. My cousin said they are all very hurt by me.
So what would ya'll do at this point? I don't think I really want them in my life--especially not my son's. He doesn't need to be around blood relatives that aren't going to reciprocate a relationship. They are the type of people who just want to "gloss over" an arguement--avoiding confrontation. This was not an arguement--this was my life that was almost over, & no one could be bothered to pause their life to pay their last respect. None of them have even seen my son--my dad has seen him about 3 times. All 3 of my cousins have had more kids, & all I've gotten was a birth announcement. See, they are all mad because I'm wanting them to work at the relationship.
So anyone have any advice? Laying there on that bed with muscle atrophy of being in a coma for a month & a tube in your throat really puts things in perspective, & I refuse to let people like that in my (& my son & DH) life. I just want answers from them...why, why, why?? Why couldn't they have been bothered to come visit???
EDIT: I wanted to clarify about ICU visits since this was a point my relatives talked about. The nurses were very lenient with my visitors. Visitors could stay as long as they wanted, but they didn't allow a lot of people at the same time. After I woke up, those rules were out the window. Also, I never had any time of visitor hours when I was in a regular room, & I have yet to find out why they didn't visit then.
Thanks in advance if anyone got to the bottom of reading this.
So everything came to a head recently. I finally sent them an e-mail pouring my feelings out. My aunt said she wanted to talk to me on the phone, so I called her. She just started attacking me for writing the e-mail & said, "I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?" She was very cold--very unlike her. I tried to explain my side, but she basically told me (in no specific terms) that I was 3 hours away from them to visit. That confirmed everything. It was a hard shock, but I knew it all along. They were all too busy to visit, & they thought praying was enough.
After a day of marinating, I wrote them all another e-mail saying that I was sorry. I was sorry that I thought our relationship was more...my expectations were too high for them. I told them that I realize that even though you share blood that it doesn't make you family.
I left it open-ended for them...if they want to contact me, then so be it. I will be cordial...nothing more. Their glossy exteriors do not hide their true nasty insides, & I realize that now. I feel as a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.
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D.G.
answers from
Houston
on
J.,
I can really feel for your situation. It seems much of my life would be good fodder for the daytime soap operas & I have some of the most screwed up family members! I have sought a little therapy myself over the years & as I have describe situations to my therapist & my bishop/ pastor over the years, I have asked...IS IT ME??? I feel like I'm the sane one, but I just like to double check everyone in awhile!!
As a Christian, I have found it very difficult to walk the path I have chosen, wondering if it is the correct way. I have cut a significant number of family members out of my life, including the man I called 'dad' for the first 25 years of my life & several siblings, too. I can feel some peace that I am not holding anger there, but sorrow is certainly present. I just cannot for my mental health & the safety & well being of my children have contact with those people. They are the definition of the term "TOXIC PEOPLE." I don't think Christ meant for us to douse ourselves in acid to prove our love for every human being- if that's what it having that relationship does to our minds.
Do not wish them ill, but do not expose your heart & your family to those that do not have your best interests in your heart. If you hurt them, it is unfortunate, that they hurt you, it is apparent. If they do not feel the loss of your in their lives enough to put themselves out to visit you on what could have been your death bed, I would have a hard time worrying over their hurts & concerns at this point. Leave the door ajar for anyone of them that would want to seek you out in the future for a real realationship, but I would not think you should seek one out at this time. They know where you are. Seek to strengthen, uplift & be uplifted by those who truly value you in their lives.
If it makes you feel any better- my children are entrusted to my best friend & her family, should anything happen to me & my hubby. Their well being I can better trust with those I share a heart with, not blood or DNA.
Hang in there. It is not easy to feel so minimzed by those you think should care the most for you. I'm glad you made it through your difficult ordeal last year! After surviving that, the rest of your life should be a cake walk!
D.
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A.
answers from
Dallas
on
Oh J.,
Im so sorry to hear about your pain. Family members have such power over us, dont they? My DH has a father who disowned him because he did not send enough pictures of our daughter to him playing with the toys he bought her (out of vending machines). My DH is fine with it (he actually feels a huge relief), but I get upset every time I think about it. Based this incident, and others with extended family members, here is what Ive learned:
I completely agree with PPs: we cant choose who is our blood. But we can choose how we relate to them. And it does take two for a successful relationship. You clearly have put in the energy into your relationships with them. Now, for your and your family's sake, its time to move on. It doesnt replace the sorrow, but that is part of the grieving process. Allow it to happen. Then let it go. Start fresh with your own family.
Also, dont ask them "why". They wont tell you (they dont think they have done anything wrong). And honestly, does it matter? Do you really want to know? Its bad enough they act the way they did and do. Its their loss.
Finally, know you have the power to choose how you want to move forward with your life, the power to choose your actions and responses. You are not subject to just emotion and instinctual reaction. Choose what YOU want for your life and dont let people who dont show you respect influence it.
This isnt much, but I hope it helps. God bless you and take care.
A.
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M.R.
answers from
Dallas
on
First of all, I want to say that I am SO VERY Sorry for what you have gone through and encountered. You are So Very Blessed to me alive.
Second, It seems to me that they are the ones with the problems and they are Not worth the trouble.
I know it's hard and it hurts but they are Not worth it whatsoever. I would just move on with your life w/your DH and DS. It's their loss.
Good Luck to you on whatever you decide.
M.
By the way just cause they are church goers doesn't make them true Christians.
I was married to a family (in laws) and husband that were so fake. They didn't have a sole of compassion, Very cold hearted and no love, affection that came down from their heart.
They were Catholics and were confirmed but that doesn't mean they are Christians. My ex lies to me every day I talk to him about EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth.
You are a bigger person than all over them together. Be pround of everything you have accomplished, be proud and confident.
Good Luck and God Bless and may the Lord keep you and your DH and DS.
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A.D.
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Dallas
on
I couldn't agree more than with the prior post about "toxic people". I chose to disassociate with my very sister after enduring years of thinking that I had to put up with it because she was family.
I have always been the one in the family to bury the hatchet, so to speak, and have always forgiven the wrongs done me and moved on. But it's that old cliche... screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me. Just because they're your family doesn't mean they're going to love you, like you, be nice to you or be representative of what "family" means to you.
Guilt is a wicked thing and as soon as you learn to let it go... you'll be a happier camper for it! Trust me... been there / done that.
Don't you realize that ANY relationship when it's one sided isn't a relationship at all. Your relatives (I call them that because FAMILY doesn't treat each other like that)... they will be the ones truly missing out because it sounds like you KNOW what family is supposed to be about...so just surround yourself with FAMILY..
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A.M.
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Dallas
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It sounds like it's a matter of just not knowing you personally and not knowing who you are. They don't know you well enough to come visit you in your last days. I wouldn't feel comfortable visiting a relative (in ICU during her last days) I only saw once a year (at Christmas, etc.) --- I would feel that only her closest relatives, immediate family and close friends should have that privilege. Plus, if i remember correctly from when my Dad was in ICU....you're limited on when and how long you can visit that person because it's Intensive Care. Our visits had to be no longer than 10 mins at a time, 2 people max, and every other hour we could come back and visit him...for 10 mins max.
anyway....that doesn't excuse your father's role in all this. He should have established that close relationship with you long, LONG ago. But shoulda, coulda, woulda. We all make mistakes and regrets that we wish we could take back...but once they are out there and they've grown bigger with time...it's hard to confront that regret.
If you really want to change things...because life is too short...and family (all family!) especially a relationship with your Dad, is important, I would take the higher road and make the first step in healing all this. Yes, I know it's not your fault and they should be the ones to do it first. But, you be the better person and you set the example!
You said yourself that you guys would only visit at important, big family functions. Well, you don't get a close family bond that way. You must get to know one another during the mundane, routine days. Maybe just visit them during a long weekend...not celebrating anything (holiday) or wedding. So you'll be forced to communicate with them about life, etc. (not the big function).
anyway....that's just my experience with my own family.
If you choose to ignore this, you know it will always pop up in your mind every now and then for years to come. If you choose to try to heal this, peace will come to you about it.
I'm just telling you this because it's been my experience with it. There's nothing worse than remembering "oh yeah. we don't talk to that side of the family anymore. so we can't invite them to such-and-such." and then having to explain that to your children or grandchildren, or other friends, inlaws.
