Judging Other Parents??

I would probably judge a mother who would go to a concert over her kid's recital too. The girl is going to be sad.

Although Sally might be really into her activity/competition, it doesn't sound like her parents are all that into it.
If they don't care it kind of makes me wonder why they bother to pay for it.
Oh well.
How people arrange their lives is none of my business.
It's clear they don't revolve around their child but they do show up some of the time - and it might be a balance that works well for them.
If Sally is ok with it, there's no point in feeling badly for her on her behalf.
Let it go at that.
My husbands parents had him and then pretty much ignored him and left him on his own while they each spent all their time being social butterflies for their various groups.
It was common for them to forget to pick him up.
They were nice people - just awful parents.

Who is watching Sally? Are the parents expecting someone on the team to care for her so Sally can attend her events?

Some parents live in their own little worlds. It is all about them.

They have children as accessories. They send their kids to school, to lessons, to camps with the expectation that others will raise their children.

We send our children to school, lessons and camp, but miss them all day and do our best to stay as involved as possible without impeding our children independence.

Some parents are not good with keeping up with anything but themselves. To me and you, we cannot even imagine, but this is who they are.. And they will NEVER change.

To their children, this is THEIR normal. They have been brought up this way and it will either be fine, or the children are going to have some real issues to deal with.

I have actually known kids that were kind of relieved when their parents were not there, because it made the child nervous about THEIR parents behaviors.

I tend to pity the child. Their parents are clueless.
Do not count on this mom to participate to help, anything, instead be VERY gratful, so that maybe the attention will encourage her to do more, but do not count on it.

For these parents, I used to suggest they write a check for something that was needed at these events.. Snacks, upgrade the costumes, hire a professional photographer, whatever was needed to make it extra special.

I would honor these parents by giving them credit in the program for everyone to see, especially their child.

I have to say I agree with you and feel badly for Sally. Few things are as hurtful to a child as feeling like you are not important to your parents, that the things you love are not a priority for them. It also sounds like these parents know full well what they are doing and they are using the comp team as free babysitters so they can get alone time. That is really sad.

I don't struggle, per se, but I do think (if we really look into our heart of hearts) that all of us do *use judgment* from time to time when assessing other situations with families which might affect us. I don't know if that makes any sense....

*Being judgmental: criticizing the actions or personality of another
*Using judgment: discerning the actions of others and making reasonable predictions on future interactions based on predictable behaviors.

I separate the two because it is in my personality makeup (at least according to the Briggs-Meyers test) to JUDGE. This is more about trying to be impartial, factor in all of the information, and suss out what would be the best possible resolution. Or to notice which factors might make another choice less than optimal. That sort of thing.

In your situation, I think my heart would hurt for the poor kid and I'd offer to just adopt her into our family for at least one of the competition weekends.

That said, you can't fix selfish and stupid. (Maybe they are working on their relationship, I don't know... it just seems kinda sad.) I think you shouldn't be stressing yourself about feeling badly toward these parents--it is a natural reaction to be pretty appalled if you are the kind of person to show up for everything, which some parents do. But I think you should also use this as good information for the future, A.. Now you know NOT to expect any real support from these folks. IF it is important to you that they come to events, you might need to corner them next season and say "hey, while I have you, I want to give you some dates to put in your phone for the next recital/comp calendar". If it were me in your situation, I would cut my losses with the parental expectations on their end and do what you can to support the girl. If this is their usual method of operation, she is where it would be helpful to focus your efforts and energy. She might be very grateful to know that she has a place to stay while parents are out of town and transportation to/from the event. Take the feeling from 'being mad' and then do something constructive about it. :)

PS: for what it is worth, I had shitty parents, A.. And yes, I know a lot of people judged them while I was growing up. It was embarrassing, but I also know that the outward judgment was from people who really cared about me and who were appalled. So, do try not to mention the parental improprieties around your own kids--so it isn't repeated-- and make sure any reaching out is done out of friendship and group camaraderie for the team, not pity.

Sure. I don't see how you can't judge a little sometimes... One mom slammed me bc I posted something similar about staying friends with someone despite not agreeing with how she parents sometimes bc I think she's so selfish about it. Are we to always overlook things? I admitted I was judging and not a perfect mom myself and not sure what to do but I guess some people are just better than us and never ever judge. We have to like everyone? My latest judgement is when I see people in $60k cars dropping their kids at before school care and then leaving them at aftercare until 6:00. I work FT so I could be judged too for not being a SAHM but I can't help but think if you have $60k to spend on a luxury car, couldn't you give that up so your kids aren't at school from 7am to 6pm?... I tell myself I don't know the story etc but isn't judging kind of how we check in on our own actions? ie: seeing that makes me stop and think if I'm always putting my kids first too etc. Maybe this makes you think if you're putting enough time into your marriage... And since we don't get performance reviews as mothers like we do at work, maybe thinking "I treat my kid better than that" is a way of giving ourselves a needed pat on the back sometimes. So I definitely try not to judge and make sure I acknowledge I don't know the whole story so don't absolutely condemn them but let's face it - some parents are selfish!! There's not always a back story that explains things!! Some mothers are more attentive etc. Aren't there grown ups who now say their own parents were pretty lame and selfish?... And I feel sorry for Sally too.

Not sure how any of this has anything to do with you.

:(

That is terrible. Yes, I am amazed daily about other parents and thier choices. All we can do is try to make the best choices for us and our family.

I see your struggle on this, that poor child. My heart breaks for her on this one.

I'm so mad right now, I wrote a detailed answer that I spent a bit of time on. Re-reading it and making it nicer....lol. Hit the button and it went away.

In effect I said they're probably going on these trips at this time because they really don't want to deal with costumes, makeup, hair, and more. If I could run away I'd go too....lol.

The truth is that's it's chaotic backstage. So bad that even best friends can be found screaming at each other in the bathrooms when they're stressed out.

This does effect you and YOU have every right to be pissed about it. YOU have to pick up that mom's slack, YOU have to help her child and leave YOUR child standing there waiting. So YOU and every other parent in that room do have the right to expect each parent to be watching out for your child and making sure you didn't forget something and to make sure the group as a whole represents your studio in the best way possible.

Plant a bug in the owners ear stating they might want to make a rule that if the parents can't be behind the scenes, unless it's a medical emergency, that kiddo will not be able to compete. Maybe they'll save that money for the entry fees and costume costs and go away a lot more. Poor kiddo.

I think I'm like you! I work hard not to judge, but can't help it sometimes. I have realized that despite vast differences in parenting, most kids grow up just fine. But that doesn't do much for me in moments like you are describing, when I have turned my life upside-down to make sure things are just right for my kids, and then parents like Sally's come along and just flake along in life. It's frustrating! So if I were in your shoes I would totally judge this!!

I hope venting helped you a lot, it probably did. Hopefully everyone will pitch in to help Sally out. And I guess as others said, if Sally's parents are just flakes and don't say much about this, I'd be able to move on. If they complain about anything or are looking for pity, I would have a hard time. I would have to respond with 'well we all have our priorities'. Ugh.

Hope it works out. Good luck!

It doesn't really bug me until they start asking for sympathy for the result of their decisions. Like in your case if you started hearing oh poor me I am missing the recital! You should do something special for me so I feel better. Then they are dead to me.

I guess you should be glad they aren't your parents.

So if I read this right, there are five dance events -- four competitions plus one recital, correct? And mom and dad are missing three of these five events? Another question (as the mom of a dancer): Are the kids doing the same routines at all or most of these events? Because if they are--it's frankly not like mom and dad are missing fresh new routines every time.

I totally agree with you that the parents sound like they don't pay full attention to their kid's activity schedule. They do sound a bit flaky. But they also may simply believe, as a family, that one child's activity is not top priority. If Sally had one competition and that was it, I could see the issue. But she has five events. They're missing three. Sure, it's a bummer for Sally, and if it were me, I'd be there for all five, but it's not me. And I don't know if maybe they have other kids who also have activities mom and dad attend, or if mom and dad are just really into travel weekends being THEIR thing as a couple. And the mom admitted they are seeking more couples time -- for all you know they might be having marriage problems and need to put their marriage ahead of their child and her activities. That is important if that's what's needed.

My issue wouldn't be so much "They are cold and selfish for not being at every single one of Sally's five performances" as "They are kind of clueless for not realizing the dates of things." They do have a right to schedule what they want, when they want, if they are not taking Sally away and therefore hurting the dance team's chances. And they aren't.
Sally might be pretty used to their being away; Sally might know that grandma is going to come; Sally might not care as much as adults think she will.

My kid dances too, but not competitively; however there are three ballets a year that are mandatory for her. There are a total of seven performances. I go to each one ,but other parents don't see every show -- some aren't there and I don't ask or care why; some actually do have other kids' events etc. at the same times; and others don't see the show because they are busy volunteering during the performance backstage (I volunteer before and after the show in other capacities--all parents are expected to help out at our studio). But I hardly know any parent who is at every single show and that is just fine.

If Sally had one show -- OK, be indignant. But she's got five and her parents at least aren't yanking her from those. They do sound like they don't take the commitment of the whole family to a dance studio very seriously, but...some adults don't. You do, I do too, but letting it bug you does nothing for Sally. If you're worried about her, rather than just being mad at her parents, focus on her instead; be around to praise her at a show, offer to give her rides if needed, bring an extra snack for her, etc. She'll remember it and value it and it will be a way that you support the whole dance team.

Sure, many of us struggle with it. My hope is that I will show other parents the same benefit of doubt that I wish they would show me. I have missed some of Chickpea's events because I was either ill or couldn't take off work because my sick days were exhausted. I know that I was subject to a lot of moms whispering about how they would attend even if they had to check themselves out of the hospital AMA or that they would rather go without a paycheck than not be there for the performance. Really? Really really? Because neither of those choices seem in a minor child's best interest, but I digress...
The point is that I might be shocked or disgusted by what other parents do, say, or value, but I don't know their entire story. After hearing me express how much I envied her marriage, a close friend confided that she and her husband were still together solely because she insisted on going away sans kids every other weekend. They turn off the cell phones (the sitter has the B&B's number) and focus on each other. They're dipping into the kids' college funds to pay for this, but it is cheaper than therapy or divorce lawyers, she says. And guess what? It isn't my life.
If it really bugs you, don't help "Sally".

i'd find it annoying that she keeps expecting other people to accommodate her calendar and claiming that she 'didn't know.'
but that doesn't seem to be your beef.
i don't think it's the end of the world if parents aren't present for every single competition, especially if their kids are in lots of competitions.
so i'm judging you for judging the 'wrong' things.
;)
khairete
S. (who did a LOT of horse shows without any parents to watch)

I'm with AKmom. I didn't even make it to the end of your post when I thought, hmmmm- sounds like free babysitting.

Yes, it's hard not to judge, but I do think the director needs to confront the parents about this. It's not fair to the rest of the parents to have to shoulder the burden of responsibility for Sally. I think it's wonderful that you have all "taken her in", but at some point, I would want to focus on MY child, not someone else's.

I'm glad that she has people looking out for her. Too bad it's not her own parents!

Of course we judge.
We look at other people's choices, use that to evaluate how we feel about those people, how we feel about ourselves, how we make our own choices, and that helps inform our personal values. I see nothing wrong with it.

I would only think it became a problem if you were vocal about your personal judgments on others, or self-righteous (which I don't think you are being by venting here, anonymously, on this board).

No, but others might be struggling with mine. ;-)

Best,
F. B.

I can understand your disappointment in the other parents. I wouldn't worry too much about it, though. I was a starter on my varsity basketball team in high school and played since 7th grade. My parents never attended any of my games. I never thought anything of it as that was my norm. Some parents came to games and some didn't...not a big deal.

Well, is there a requirement for parent involvement with this? I definitely do feel sad for their daughter and I would personally make sure that I attended all of this stuff for my child. However, they are still making sure that their daughter attends even if they do not.

The reality is that some folks are just scatterbrained and flaky for everything in their lives. It sounds like this is partly the case here. I am pretty organized by nature so it is really hard for me to understand how people can't keep up with stuff like this. People like this act like everyone should make a special effort to make sure THEY know what is going on...they never see it as their responsibility to make sure they are informed.

The Director should speak to them and clarify whatever parent commitment is expected of them. There is nothing else that you can do. It is good that the other Moms are helping out this little girl.

What do you expect to change? What do you want to happen? Do you want Sally's parents to all of a sudden wake up and make their daughter a priority? Sorry. It isn't going to happen.

While you talk a good game about not judging? You are doing a really good job of it here.

What positive can you get out of this? Maybe Sally will find her own inner-strength and do better because her parents aren't there to demean her for not dancing right. I don't know. I just know that unless Sally's parents are asking you to step up and take her to the recitals and competitions? It's really none of your business....

Are you okay with just one more suggestion? Forgive me, I did not read all the answers, so it may already be here...

Maybe this is a "Teachable Moment" for you. Perhaps you can be her "recital/comp mentor" You know, make sure she has the dates. Friend her with something like this: Hey, wow, bummer, your schedule this year has just been off hasn't it? How about you and I connect and we can help each other be accountable to having next years dates in our calendars?

The worst that can happen is she says no...but who knows, maybe she is so over whelmed with everything that she will welcome the accountability partner. And who knows, maybe you may even make a new friend!

B.

We all judge--don't feel bad. I think it's crappy of her parents to miss all of that really fun stuff. So, they lose $$ at the hotel--so what?!?! (Many times if you reschedule at the same place, they won't penalize you.) I had the mom that was at EVERYTHING! I felt bad for the kids who didn't have parents like that. Their loss:(