JFF, How Different Are Your Children and How Do You Treat Them Differently?

my boys are 7 years apart so basically I have two "only" children I am told. I love them both unconditionally but they are total opposites of each other. The relationship I have with my older one is very different from the younger one. When the older was younger his dad and I went through some issues so we spent a lot of time just him and I the younger one has never been through issues and has spent his life with two settled parents so the relationships differ but in a good way. The discipline of the two is sort of different as one grew up a lot faster and is more level headed than the other and I have admittedly let the younger be "the baby" probably more than I should. But they are both well adjusted, fun loving fantastic boys

I treat all of my children the same ... I beat them and lock them in their closets daily LOL

Ok on a serious note, I do treat mine differently because they are different people and different methods work for each one of them. Plus I have a special needs child (adhd/aspergers) so things have to be adjusted for him.

However, the overall rules are the same for all 3 of them. How they get enforced may be different sometimes.

Do I love them differently? I hadn't really thought about it. In intensity? I don't think so. The things I love most about them? of course. Do I show one more love than the other? Nope. which I think is what you probably mean and your mom isn't understanding. At least that's what I'm picking up here.

I RAISE my children the same way, and teach them the same values and principles, and they get punished for the same negative behavior... But the way I TREAT them is toootally different! My 7 and 5 year old girls are as different as night and day. I love them both to pieces, and I love them no matter what as my babies, but I love them as little people for very different reasons.

My 7 year old is my tomboy. She always aims to please. She often runs around looking like a raggamuffin because she doesn't care too much about her looks. She's a very good helper, she's a 'mommy mini me'. She's EXTREMELY active and pretty competitve, and only wants to have fun (she wasn't always like this, she was a VERY serious baby and never wanted to be touched or held). She plays sports and loves nerf guns and fishing.

My 5 year old is a total, 100% princess and a complete diva!! She won't leave the house without jewelry and lipgloss. I can't tell you how many tutus she's gone through. She won't go swimming unless it's in a pool, and even then, she wears her sunhat, sunglasses, umbrella, and sits on a floatie like a queen on her throne, as to not get wet. She wouldn't be caught dead running around sweaty or dirty. She loves dolls and makeup and dress up. Getting her to clean is next to impossible. She's always been my cuddle bug!

It's funny, because my 1 year old son TOTALLY gets it. He plays very rough with my 7 year old, and he will kiss and curl up to the 5 year old. The BABY on the other hand, we're still trying to figure him out. He's a lot like my 7 year old, doesn't like being held and he's a CLIMBER, but he's also very sensitive like my 5 year old. I'm very interested to see how he turns out :)

N.:

I have 3 children - 25 yo DD and two boys 11 (on the 26th) and 8.

All of them are different and unique individuals. They are treated as individuals.

I can't say I love them the same - I don't. Would I die for any of my children? YOU BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR I will!

My dad claims I'm his favorite dark haired daughter and my sister is favorite blonde daughter. We have one brother - so we know he's the favorite boy!!

My daughter is VERY independent and doesn't like it when one approaches her - she needs to come to you - very different from when she was a kid...always in someone's face!! :)

My oldest son - social butterfly - like me, doesn't know a stranger. Blonde hair blue eyes. Pale face!! He WAS a momma's boy for the first 4 years - then he became "I'm good, no worries" if that makes sense.

My baby?! somewhat of a social butterfly - more of a jokester than a butterfly - loves to woo the women - brown hair and black eyes (no kidding - dark as coal!) He's my "mama's boy"...

Each have different colors, different views and TOTALLY different personalities!! love them all a TON - but love them each differently.

language can confuse just as well as it can elucidate.
don't be so literal. i'm sure your mom means that she loves all her children without limit or condition. and i'm sure when you say you love your children differently, you don't mean you love some more than others.
allow for a little wiggle room in interpretation here. there doesn't have to be a 'right' way to say it.
khairete
S.

No, you're not crazy, your mom is (just a little bit). I've had a conversation with my daughter about this very thing after she accused me of loving her brother more than her. I asked her if she loved Daddy & I exactly the same way & she said no. I told her it was the same thing for me as far as she & her brother are concerned. They are different people with different personalities, different strengths, different weaknesses. I love them both equally as much as the other, just not necessarily in the same way. Nothing wrong with that!

It makes sense to me... Of course your love for them is equal, u just live them for who they are!!! Growing up I was always closer to my mom bc our personalities are more alike (and still are), and my little sister and dad were always closer... That doesn't mean that either of them loved my sister or myself any less. I have a 14 year old step daughter and a 20 month old. I love them the same, but for different reasons. My step daughter bc she was 4 when my hubby and I started dating, so she taught me a lot about being a parent long before I was a "biological" mom. Her and I had our issues, but are close now. And my 20 month old bc she's my 1st born, and has taught me so much about myself, and what true love is. But in my eyes they are equal... Just in different way!!! Wow!!! Sorry that turned into a novel!!!

She probably MEANT that she loves/loved you all the SAME AMOUNT. Which is to say Unlimited. :)

It is a generational thing, I think. I believe that today's generation of moms is aware that while we may love unconditionally all of our children, that how it is expressed may be different for each child. Just as each child has their own personality and needs. One kid needs to be told they "can do it", one kid needs to be told "That was funny". It's like that love languages book about marriages. Kids are little people and have their own ways of expressing and needing love as well.

Of course no one treats their children exactly the same. It is quite literally an impossibility. Even if they were identical twins, they will not have the same lives. The same interactions with others. The same memories.

I also think, that some parents are KEENLY aware that they may have felt more love toward one child than another and therefore deny it vehemently. Kids that are strong willed and difficult/challenging to parent may not elicit quite as many sweet lovey-dovey moments from you.. but it doesn't mean that you don't love them! Older generations of parents didn't quite get that sometimes I don't think.
Just my opinion.

added: It also may be that you and your mom are using the same words but speaking different languages. Surely she doesn't mean that you should treat your children the same, but rather that you have the same rules and expectations regarding behavior. If one gets a time out for this offense, then the other shouldn't get the behavior overlooked.

I only have one kid, but I am one of 13. (only 4 of us were full blood, and lived together our entire childhood though. the other 9 were all steps, halves, or deceased...) of the four of us...

Oldest brother was very rebellious, and would fight every little thing. So while yes, my dad loved him and they had their good times, he had to be a lot more strict with him. You give an inch, he would take a mile.

I was a very easy kid. When my mom left, I did a lot of the cleaning, cooking, and keeping track of my siblings when I was old enough. (I was 4 when she left) I literally never argued with my dad (in my life, we can only remember 3 arguments with him..) I got privleges (later curfew, allowed to get a driver's license and a job earlier) because I earned them. Although, I was also a 'daddy's girl' from the beginning (even as an infant I preferred him over my mom) so we have always had a special bond...

My younger brother was just lazy, but a good kid. My dad had to make sure to stay on top of him to get things done. He didn't get in much trouble, but he needed a lot more supervision than the others.

My younger sister was a drama Queen. (that's right... capital Q.) and the 'baby' for quite a few years. She always wants everything her way, so feels like she's picked on because she is turned down more often. (Of course, if you are going for 30 things and get turned down for 20 of them, you still get 10... and when the other kids only ask for 5, you still come out on top. but she didn't see it that way... lol)

Yep. very different children, very different parental treatment. But we were all loved, no doubt about that.

My kids each have a unique personality. I have to hand out the tough love with one a little more often to get him motivated. He is not a self motivated individual.

I love my daughters the same, but definitely treat them differently.

They are very different people, my oldest needs to be treated more maturely and with common sense lessons, a conversation about the reality of her consequences has always been the best way to talk to her, with reasoning.

My youngest is sensitive, and funny. responding to her with lighthearted humor is the best way to reach her so far. Each child needing different techniques of parenting does not mean i love them any differently

I too find it hard to love my children the same. Yet without a doubt, I love the other (more than) enough for them to have no inkling of this imbalance.

My first born has always been self sufficient, wise and kind beyond her years. I would go to the moon and back for her. She truly warms my heart.

My youngest has always been a challenge. She is mischievous, destructive and has social issues on top of behavioral issues. I have been given a sprinkle of extra love for my little one. It is a standing joke in my head that God knew what he was doing when he gave me that extra love for my little hellion. I think my 6 year old got a bit of dusting too. We constantly argue as to who loves the little one the best. She gets hurt when I tell her she is the best daughter in the whole wide world. She insist that it should be her and her sister too.

My mother treated us differently too. She was quite a young mom and some of her mistakes can be related to her youth. It is also from the wrong assumption that a self sufficient child does not require as much attention or affection.

in my case i love them the same but have to treat them diffrently cause they are individuals. the reason i have to treat them diffrently is cause my youngest is hard of hearing., my oldest i didnt put up with temper tantrums out of. my youngest i realize it is one of the forms of communication he had. i put up with the no phase easier out of my youngest than i did with my oldest. my oldest would get in trouble for telling mama no. but the youngest i am so glad he learned a new word i dont worry about it so much. my youngest requires so much more patients than my oldest did. in every other sense they are the same. my oldest is sensative to you raising your voice my youngest cant hear you if you dont. :)

there is no way she could have treated the boys the same as you. in her mind maybe. but boys are a dfifrent type personality so they have to be treated diffrent. girls are very unlikely but it does happen to climb trees and boys are fearless so to speak. even with 2 boys i have one that is shy one that is outgoing one that is fearless and one that is extremely cautious. one that loves to fight and one that seldom fights. one that is silly and one that is creatively funny.one that likes to do chores and help and one that hates it so if you mix the steps up in this it gets even more interesting. one that is concieted and one that loves to cook the others only do it cause they have to. one that will deliberately break rules and one that obeys what rules he wants and one that obeys all rules. and one that is 2 still testing the rules.

i have one kid that loves kids one who could take themor leave them and one that has a fear of babies. how much more diffrent do you want?