Jealous Stepson

You are not the father. I repeat, you are not the father.

Time to get out of this relationship. The child's mother needs to get her son some help. She is wrong about him growing out of this.

The biggest problem is not this child, it's the relationship between his mother and you. You do not agree on parenting techniques. She is taking a hands-off approach (he'll grow out of it) and she is letting him drive the train by accepting his bad behavior, including tantrums and hitting, and blaming you. You are expecting a child who does not live with you, who has been abandoned (in whatever sense) by one father already, and who is being uprooted from his friends and his home to move in with some guy his mother doesn't even appear to love (not that a 6-year-old can understand adult love anyway). And you want him to accept your affection/attention when his mother is mad at you.

Neither one of you has really looked at this situation from the child's vantage point, and neither of you has invested any time in the types of pre-marital discussions that show a united front to a child desperately in need of security and structure. He is losing everything he knows - house, town, community, friends, school, activities, daily routines and moving to another country (assuming you mean Calgary, Canada).

So the first step is to get into some professional counseling, both individually and together, to work out some basic philosophical agreement and set up some parenting structure and rules. You need to learn how to communicate with a child who is not your own, you should probably stop calling yourself his father (that can be very threatening to him right now, and maybe always), and your fiancee needs to learn how to parent more effectively and set some structure. Otherwise this arrangement - marriage and parenting - is doomed.

poor little guy. he's so small, and has such huge feelings to wrestle with.
it sounds as if you and his mom introduced you into the relationship too quickly. he should not be permitted to hit you, but if you are disciplining him by squeezing his hand to the point of pain, you are reacting like another 6 year old.
and the mom's not on board? i wonder why she has not put parameters around your meeting her son, and given direction as to how disrespect and disobedience should be handled. just saying he'll grow out of it when you're together when he's clearly devastated at the prospect is pretty cruel.
get family counseling ASAP. and i'd back off on the moving in together.
ETA i am HORRIFIED at momof1 from hollywood who suggests that the little boy here should have his 'butt tore up' because the adults in his life are utterly disregarding his needs. :(
khairete
S.

Please clarify: You and mom are married but she and her son live elsewhere at the moment? Is that correct or not?

She blames you entirely and doesn't discipline him or tell him, in front of you, to stop behaviors like hitting you? Is her son perfect in her eyes?

You do realize that this boy is about to move into your home so her blame and his anger will be your 24/7 reality, right?

And your sentence about "showed a little aggression by telling him that enough is enough, him hitting me and me squeezing his hand" is very confusing and unclear. So YOU "showed aggression"? Do you mean you tried to discipline him? What do you mean, you "squeezed his hand"--was that supposed to hurt him enough to be your idea of discipline or consequence?

BEFORE they come you and she already should have had serious couples counseling and the boy needs a counselor or therapist big time. You are headed for disaster, living with a wife who blames you for her son's behaviors; she will put him first and you and she won't be living together long. She, he and you all need professional help so she stops blaming you; she starts disciplining him AND understanding his anger better; you learn what parenting means because you don't know the difference between being "aggressive" with a child and actually engaging a child; and the boy learns to handle his anger.

It is VERY bad that the mom says he'll outgrow this once you are together. She is not realistic and needs to learn about child development, not hope that he'll outgrow this. More time with you under the same roof is not going to make him outgrow it; you and he will be on each other all the time and mom will blame you. Therapy, lots, now, or you and she can forget this and she will choose him. He's growing up angry and with zero direction, poor kid.

Seems neither are willing to take responsibility for their behavior or the situation.

So are you and mom married? For how long? How long have you been apart?

It's not showing aggression by setting boundaries for behavior. Apparently that's what mom thinks and she has not set proper boundaries or consequences for bad behavior. She continues to blame others for not tolerating the results of her lack of parenting. Her son can feel the changes that are on the horrizon and he is rebelling. This can change but not without some outside intervention.

Look for a family counselor in your area since they will be moving there. You need to work at bonding with stepson and mom's inability to see the harm she is causing. You have some very hard work ahead of you and success is dependant on everyone's cooperation. Good Luck.

I would seek family counseling ASAP with your wife.

Try to remember that he's a little boy and you guys are the adults.

Good luck.

Keep in mind he is still a little boy. A very young boy.
You are an adult.

Do you have children of your own?
How do you parent them? How much love do you have for them? That is what their bond is. He does not understand adults have enough love and different love for their companions. At this point in this boys life, his mother is his entire heart and life.

If you do not have children, it can be frustrating to be around a frightened, child. Yes he is frightened that his mother is going to love you more than him, when in reality a mothers love for her child is so deep and strong, it cannot even be described.

If you do not have children I suggest you take a parenting class. It will give you tools to recognize what is probably is going on with this child and how to handle and settle these behaviors for you as well as him. Parenting takes knowledge to be successful.

Right now, his well being, emotionally and physically trump the adults. YES, his needs are more important, because you are a grown man, but he is just a child. This child in his mind is fighting to keep his mother.

He does not realize his mom would never quit loving him and has enough love for both of you. When she shows you affection, this in no way a sign that she does not love him.

This is a huge adjustment in his life, He is used to having every bit of her attention when he is around her and now, there is sharing.

There are ways to reassure a child. There are ways to acknowledge a child's feelings at the same time guiding them in the proper behaviors that do not need to include adult frustration or aggression.

Being a parent is not for the faint of heart. Parenting techniques take practice and actually knowing the actual child very well.

Children are very basic. They love their mothers more than anything else in the world. They are dependent on their parents to keep them safe and to protect them. When a stranger comes into their lives, it is very scary. They are too young to understand adult feelings and this is why they act out.

I hope you will search for best practices. It will open your eyes to what this little by is going through and also help you realize to be a family means that everyone involved need to acknowledge each others feeling in an AGE appropriate manner.

You can do this and be successful.

Poor kid. My parents divorced when we were about that age and it was HARD for us. We really struggled up until we were adults even. I think you need to bond with him. Do things one on one with him that are super cool. He and his mom can have mom-son dates. These things take time. Definitely be calm but firm with the family rules...make sure he know them and what the consequences will be. Don't ever get angry or raise your voice or take it personally...just calmly be a united front when dealing with bad behavior. Be kind and loving. I can speak from experience that it is very hard to go through this as a kid.

There is so much information missing.

How long have you and his mother been together? Has he always reacted this way towards you?

Does he know his father? Have they interacted at all?

How far does he and his mother live from you right now? What factors made you guys decide to cohabitate now?

Do you have children? Any other children involved?

How is this "your family"? Why do they live away from you? Are you married to mom? BF/GF?

Right now this relationship is set up for failure.

You guys need to slow it down, and you and his mother need to commit to learning how to parent a blended family. BEFORE you move in together. If you guys cannot commit to that then that pretty much sums up the rest of the relationship.

Sorry :-(.

Do you think it is going to get better by living together?

Ditto Diane B.

Please update your post with more information.

Along with the counseling the other moms have suggested, take a Parenting with Love and Logic class and read books like 1-2-3 Magic. These books can support you in understanding the sons behaviors and support you in understanding good healthy ways of setting limits and boundaries that will work for both of you.

Another good book might be: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. There are tons of resources out there to support you with good tools for this stressful situation. It would be in your best interest to dedicate some time to researching parenting styles and child development, as well as getting some help with communicating with mom more effectively.

So, it sounds like you and Aaron's mom are already married, but living apart at the moment?

When she and Aaron move in with you, you will need to immediately establish a united front in your parenting. If she continues to blame you for his behavior, he will continue the behavior and nothing will change. He will not "grow out of it" as he will see that he gets his way by acting like this, because his mother supports him and not you.

Is this how you want to live? If she's not willing to back you up and be united and consistent with discipline, then you're setting yourselves up for failure.

Trust me, living with a child with a major discipline problem is very, very trying on a marriage even when there are no stepparents involved. You need to nip this in the bud immediately.

Blames you in what way? Your very existence? Things that you have said and done? You are kind of playing the victim here, but I have the feeling you're leaving out some details. And yes, he is six and you are taking away his mother's attention. Personally, if this were the mom writing, I would be telling her to focus on her son and not on some new man right now. Sorry, but her son should come first.

You say you're the father, but you're the stepfather. What this young child knows is that his "real dad" isn't around, that his mother is uprooting him for you, and not only is he changing schools, and friends and everything he knows, he's going to have to share his mother with you. I would try to see it from the POV of the child that this is traumatic and you and his mom need to do your best to help him handle it all. That may mean family counseling for everyone, especially if she blames you instead of seeing that maybe her kid is having a tough time because he's had a tough life. Even something like a different teacher can upset a child that age.

For your part, you didn't say how often you see them, how long you've known them, etc. I would back off, try to be friendly without being forced and see how it goes. You shouldn't expect to jump in both feet and be his dad. Let that grow. You should absolutely NOT be hurting him in retaliation for anything. You and your SO should consider parenting classes if you don't know what else to do.

It really sounds to me like this child is not mean, but confused, and hurt. That needs to be addressed. And his mother needs to be willing to address it.

He's not going to just "grow out of it" especially when he's winning! You said mom blames you, which is EXACTLY what the child wants.

Little boys first love is their mother. You are "the other man" and he doesn't like it anymore than you would like it if you saw your wife flirting with another man.

The FIRST thing is that you and mom need to get on the same page. Unless you two can do that, you might as well call it quits. I would definitely suggest counseling for your family.

He needs his butt tore up. Mom is obviously not willing to discipline him for whatever reason, so I'd hit the road. He will only get worse as he grows older. I would dump the woman and find someone else. If you stay and have a kid by her, what's to say he wouldn't do something to your baby out of resentment ? You don't want this kid to turn into more issues. I know a woman who let's her grown man son mooch off her and step dad bc she thinks he's just a late bloomer. I may be thinking dramatic, but I can't stand parents who dont do anything about their rotten kids. Surely there are better pickings than this woman.

Okay, I am a step mom. I have fault with trying to get my step daughter to like me. We found out about her when she was 4 years old and trying to adjust to a new father, step-mom, sister was very hard and she was wanting daddy attention. ( wanting her mom and dad to get back together) Thankfully her daddy stood by me with rules etc. You should have a talk with the mom, and let her know that you want to be a father figure with the child but the child needs to learn to respect you! You both need to stand firm by each others side. Also a great idea is to come up with a mini schedule, and let the child know that one day he will have mother-son day. the next step-dad-son day, and a family day. This helped a lot with my step-daughter getting to know me and respecting me. Also with the tantrums I would put her in time out in the bathroom. There is nothing to play with in there so bored very easily. calm down very quickly. She is 9 almost 10 now, and has grown to love coming here and spending time with us. Been has been really good.

He's only 6. Just keep being kind.

I lived this T. so I think I completely get where you are coming from. My son was 3 when I met my current husband and unlike your situation I did not expose my son to him until we were getting married. My ex had abandoned my son as well and only came around enough to make it harder on him. So he struggled with the rejections terribly, with temper tantrums and acting out. (he's 29 years old and still does suffer in some ways) I cared very deeply for my current husband, but my sons anger, and helping him to deal with the rejection from his dad was my first priority. This little boy is angry, and it isn't you personally that he doesn't like, it's just you taking any attention away from him with his mom that is hurting him. Sh is the one person he feels he has left in his life, and he wants her only and alone right now. And in my opinion it is his MOM"S job not yours to help her son thorough this. So my advice to you would be to take a step back and stay away from him right now. You can still see his mom but when he is not around. He needs to heal, he does need to deal with another man with his mother right now. His mom needs to focus and get some counceling for herself and her son, and given the tools to help him, before his anger worsens and ruins his life!!! Sorry, if this isn't what you want to hear, but he comes first, he is a victim of this broken family and his needs should come first, in my opinion. I am sure you are a wonderful man, and a wonderful person for taking this blended family on, however you will not gain this child's love or respect until he heals his own loss. This was how I handled things. My son NEVER saw another man in my bed until I was married, I know it sounds old fashioned, but I wanted his respect and him to also know that him and I were okay!! I took the time alone with him that he needed. I did eventually marry him, and we had a beautiful daughter together. It took work but there are no step parents or step siblings in my family now. We are a whole family. My son loves my husband calls him dad, (hasn't seen or heard from his dad since he was 12) but as I said I know there is a piece of him that does suffer, he has trust issues, dispite everything we have all done to love him. Abandonment from a bio parents does damage, so realize this will not be an easy road. If this woman and child are worth it you will need to be patient and take a step back for all of your sake. And tell his mom to stop blamming you and get counseling for her little boy he needs to put that anger somewhere!!! Good luck!!