So... we recently went on a visit to my husband's family in Amsterdam. It is an awesome city and most of the people are quite pleasant. However, my husband's mother really got under my skin. She has always had a very big mouth when it came to me and how I raise my son, but this trip was a bit over the top. To save you all the ridiculous details, let's just say the entire family had a huge "family discussion" while we were there, and it was only a two week trip!
She insulted me on several different ocassions and even insulted my husband several times, all of which were unneccessary and a bit juvenile. Anyways, she is still emailing him (she does not email me anymore) and she feeds into it every single time- How I am lazy, not raising my child the best way, how we shouldn't be living in California, how I was raised poorly, etc etc... It is exhausting how much I hold my breath and bite my tongue with this woman. She even takes my picture to her "spiritual guidance counselor" (who is more of an astrological future teller... not a counselor) and he feeds into her craziness with all sorts of things about me as well, without knowing me or even having met me.
Long story short, I want her to stop emailing my husband about our problems and stop showing my picture to her guidance guy. She talks about me to my brothers-in-law and their wives still and I am getting so fed up with it. Would you email her? Leave it alone? I have tried talking to my husband and he agrees somewhat with me, but it is his mother. There is only so much I can say until he will defend her. Should I try again? Anyone have similar problems?
Sorry this is a bit of a rant... I have never had MIL troubles like this before. I hate hating my mother in law!
** Let me clarify- when we were there, my husband did stand up to her and defend me, but it is bothering me that she still talks to people about it and brings it up when with family. My husband got mad at her a few times while we were out there and I really don't see him as being the problem.
My husband told her how he felt about it (stop talking about me and my wife, yadda yadda) and she kind of went crazy. He didn't write her back, but she caught him on skype and, as always, acted like everything was fine. I told him to either ignore her (which he has been trying to do, but it is his mom, dangit!) or to have her email me with any concerns she may have with how horrible of a mother I am. I have no problem being polite, yet assertive if need be. Sadly, this woman has nothing better to do with her life.
Thanks for the insight ladies!
I would say that hubby needs to stop telling you what she is emailing him and he just needs to delete them so you two can ignore her as a family. He still needs to be respectful and have a relationship with mom but that's all. He does not need to share her stuff with you.
Ignore her.
Your problem isn't your MIL, it's your husband. She is who she is and is not going to change. However your husband should be telling her he is not going to listen to it. If she brings it up, he hangs up. If she emails he deletes it. He needs to stand up to her.
Just be happy she lives in another country and not 10 minutes away, lol. I would ignore ignore ignore, she just wants attention. Tell your husband you dont want to hear about anymore of her emails or what she has to say about you. The astrologer stuff is just plain hilarious, how can anyone take her seriously? Maybe you should email her, tell her you took her picture to your astrologer and he said if she doesnt stop butting in where shes not wanted shes going to end up unhappy and alone, lol.
She's trolling for drama. Annoying, but out of your control. Sorry.
A very wise friend told me once "you are not responsible for what others think or feel about you". There is not much you can do about her trashing you to others, but you can detach and not allow her attempts to hurt you, or to drive a wedge between you and husband. You can ask your husband to agree to setting boundaries with his mother, such as: I will not respond or reply to emails that are disrespectful to my wife. I will delete them without reading them. You can take the very high road and reach out to her. Tell her that you hate the conflict between you. Let her know that you want to have a loving relationship. Ask her if there is a specific thing you have done that has injured her or hurt her that might have prompted her negativity towards you. Let her know you are willing to make amends if needed. Let her know that you are NOT willing to be disrespected and that if she has a problem with you to please not share that with others. Now that you have set some pretty clear boundaries, and it will be up to her to respond in kind. If she cannot then you need to totally detach, with love, but detach! If she wants to risk losing contact with her grandchildren in order to be RIGHT about her opinions of you then she has shot herself in the foot - no need for you to be wounded in the process!
Your MIL is fishing for drama and likes to be the ring master of it all. This is probably the most excitement she has in her life, unfortunately. Your husband should send his mom an e-mail complaining about her behavior towards you and see how she likes being criticized and raked over the coals. Well, this would only add fuel to the fire and some people just don't get it. He could not reply when she e-mails and when she asks why, he should state that she's talking trash and her comments and behavior are unacceptable, then change the subject. You train people how to treat you and if you allow her to continue, she will.
I have had mother in law issues in the past and have confronted her in a very direct and calm manner that addressed not only my concern for what she was doing but how it would affect our relationship and her being welcome in my company in the future. I was not threatening, I was merely a strong woman with my own stand on the issue and wanting to have my say. She is still the same person but understands that I meant business and she has kept to herself knowing that she would not be welcome in our home if she continued. I meant it. I do have my husband to thatnk for this as he had already tried and supported me. He warned her and then just told me to "let her have it" so to speak. He knows that I am not a total hot head and realizes that confrontations are not my thing but knew that she would not stop her idiotic ways without knowing that I had a voice in this.
With that said, my mother in law had never been directly against me or my ways. It was more so her "stirring up trouble" with little secrets and stories and mistreating a family member in my home. You MIL sounds like a piece of work and I haven't a clue how this will turn out but you will have to say your peace and I sincerely hope that you are able to really pull in the support from your husband on this one. You two are the primary family now and she really needs to find a higher respect for the two of you and keep her ugly ideas to herself.
Good luck to you.
I've read that the Dutch have a reputation for being, well, very frank. Bear in mind that some of this could be cultural. This is not an excuse for rude behavior, but something to bear in mind.
All I have to say is..... "thank goodness she lives so far away........................."
Otherwise, feel bad for her, she obviously doesn't enjoy her life.
Be thankful for the wonderful life you have and embrace it.
Next time, your husband can go ALONE!!! :)
Take care!
Couldn't have said it more succinctly than MamaR. Perfecto.
The best thing about this situation is that you all are in California and she's in Amsterdam.
You can *choose* whether or not to hate your MIL. Even if she's awful from now on, you can choose to love her - to care what happens to her, to wish her well-being, to help her if it's ever (?) possible. You may have to do it unilaterally, but you won't be the first to have to do that, and you won't be the last.
As far as her e-mails to your husband are concerned, you can tell your husband what you wish, but you can't tell him what to do or say. I imagine that he is very torn right now. This is his mother. He'll have to decide, but it may take a while. He doesn't like what's going on, either.
Meanwhile... don't turn into a shrew about it. Be as *unlike* your MIL as possible in the way you handle this. Let him see you expressing your feelings but taking all calmly or even humorously, letting MIL's problems be *her* problems.
It could be that the other family members are getting fed up with it, too, but they may be keeping quiet. Of all the undeclared wars in history, wars within families are the hardest.
Well said, MamaR!
Talk to your husband, Betsy. He needs to understand how your are feeling, and why you are feeling so. If both of you reach a mutual understanding, you won't have confusions about handling anything your MIL might do or say! :)
She would love to get nasty emails from you so she can forward them. I say....cold shoulder...for sure.
WOW! She must be an interesting old bird to say the least. Listen, you need to have your husband have a frank conversation with her! He needs to set the ground rules. If she can't abide by them then she won't be seeing the grandson anytime soon. You are the MOTHER of her grandson, the WIFE of her son. SHE needs to respect those boundaries. She doesn't have to adore you but she MUST be respectful. That's what I would tell my husband.
Ignore her, and hubby has to tell her that he will not respond to her when she is "riding the drama train" - he doesn't have to be mean, just set boundaries. You can't control what she does and who she talks to, so don't waste your time on it.
