It's About My Husband

Don't worry about new things in bed. With 2 kids at the ages y'all have, I bet he'd be happy just to get you in bed! Get a sitter and have a date, just the two of you. Maybe even recreate a romantic/memorable date from before kids. That might spark enough romance to impress him.

The most important thing a mom and dad can do for their kids is to put each other first. It shows the kids that they love and respect each other and gives them security because they see that. This advice comes from many years of Bible study and the success of many couples and their children later who followed it. Your husband hopefully married you because he wants you for life. When you focus all your energies on kids, he feels left out and misses your company and attentions. My guess is that he doesn't need to be impressed with new things in bed, he just wants to feel close to you again. Ask him what he wants, open that dialogue and don't worry so much about the kids. They will be fine if your marriage is fine. After all, you marry for life...kids leave in about 18 years if you raise them right.

You can stay being a good mom,but somtimes you have got to send the little ones on for the night...to family or a good friend. Do somthing wild go and buy some sexy clothing,lite some candles,set the bedroom up!!have fun,thats your husband,he loves you and wants alone time,there is nothing wrong with that. And hey i think to keep you being a good mom ,you still need adult time!!!

Hi M.,
Can you get a sitter? Plan a night on the town, dinner, dancing, whatever you both will enjoy. Doesn't have to be fancy or expensive...afterwards, go home and make sure the kids are safe with the sitter overnight, or fast asleep and then enjoy eachother!I'm sure your husband isn't looking for anything off the wall or new either. Sounds like he's just missing YOU, rather than you having to impress him. I think all you have to do is show up and let nature take its course! Don't worry about the kids so much and have fun!

Since your husband needs time alone with you, how about creating a romantic setting so that the time together is enhanced? Draw a bath, maybe take that bath together, candles, music, wine (if you both drink wine that is), chocolate covered strawberries (or another sweet that you may both enjoy) spend some time talking about you as a couple .. your dreams and future, but NOT the kids. Make this about the couple you were before becoming a full family. If possible, maybe you can get a sitter and take this date to a local hotel.

HI M.!
I know this isn't easy, especially at first, but I make sure our daughter is in bed by 7:30 and she's in bed for the night. Her bed time has been the same since she was 6 months old. Even if she's not very tired, she knows to stay in her room and she can play or look at a book until she falls asleep. We all have dinner together and he gives her a bath and gets her ready for bed while I clean up or lounge around and take a break for a few minutes. She's very used to it, and loves the routine. We do too! This way, my husband and I have enough alone time together every night before we get into bed. We play games, curl up and watch movies, or whatever we feel like doing. That time is so important for us together. If we didn't have it, I know that the stresses of parenthood would take a toll on our relationship. As far as in the bedroom, we take time to talk to each other about our fantasies and then we surprise each other here and there. It really helps to keep the spark alive. We've been together for more than 5 years now and our sex life is still amazing! We still manage bedroom time several times a week. He says he's spoiled because most of our friends don't manage such an active sex life. But honestly, I feel spoiled because my husband is so attentive to my needs. I know it's because we make sure that we make time for each other almost every evening. There are some nights when we put our daughter to bed and just do our own thing separately too, but we get the down time that we need and I know it makes us better parents as well. I hope this helps!
-F.

You dont need new tricks hun...your hubby will be happy to have you any way he can get you...my best advice would be if you have family near by or a reliable baby sitter have someone watch the kids over night....rent a hotel room and put on some lingerie and enjoy a night out

100 WAYS YOU CAN LOVE YOUR HUSBAND HIS WAY!

(Author Unknown)

1. Discuss this list with your husband. Ask him to check the ones most meaningful to him and then arrange them in order of importance to him. Use this list as a basis for learning his views. Your relationship can be greatly strengthened as you use these suggestions.

1. Communicate with him respectfully.
2. Regard him as important and let him know he's important to you.
3. Do everything you can to understand his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Be interested in his friends and occasionally give him time with them (if they are trust-worthy men).
5. Ask for his opinion and let him know you value what he says.
6. Tell him you both love him AND like him.
7. Let him feel your approval and affections.
8. Protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. Be tender with him realizing he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
11. Avoid sudden major changes without discussion giving him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don't bring up problems—have fun together instead.
13. Focus on what he's doing right, instead of focusing so often on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Correct him gently and in private.
16. Recognize that the first few minutes after a spouse comes home often sets the stage for the way the rest of the evening will go. So try to make the first few minutes of seeing him a positive experience if possible. (And then ease into the negative if it's necessary.)
17. Make special time available to him apart from the children.
18. Don't allow any family member to treat him disrespectfully. Be the one to defend him to any family member that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Compliment him often.
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals for each year to work on to achieve together so you will both feel closer to each other as a marital team.
22. Don't over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God's grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him some time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect with you at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don't be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talks about him, remembering that love protects (1 Corinthians 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk calmly (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings (when he's not tired).
32. Email him when he's at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift of some kind that he'd really enjoy.34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is (giving him specific reasons).
36. Give advice in a loving way — not in a nagging or belittling way.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head of the home (without "lording" it over him).
38. Reserve some of your energies for him so you're not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don't expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God's best in life.
41. Take special notice for what he has done for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people both in front of him and even when he's not there.
43. Share your feelings with him at appropriate times (but keep it brief when he's tired—sometimes men can feel "flooded" by too many words).
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (and differ respectfully in private when it's necessary).
46. Give him time to unwind for a few minutes after coming home from work, and then work it out ahead of time to take your "time out", giving him a few minutes with the children.
47. Get up with him, even when he gets up earlier than you want to and pray with him. (Hopefully you can go back to sleep afterwards. If not, it's a sacrifice worth making.)
48. Be his "help-mate" in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Do some shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him (like watching a movie or taking a drive together) without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you can show your love for him in ways he best comprehends it.
51. When your husband is in a bad mood—give him quiet time to recover. Don't crowd him.
52. Help him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education when your see he needs your help.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: "Handle With Care."
54. Work to get rid of habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don't make him choose between you and them.
56. Don't compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he's done around the house. (It means a lot to men).
58. Don't expect credit for all you do for him and the household. Do it as "unto the Lord".
59. Make sure he knows and agrees with everything important that you're planning to do.
60. Do little things for him—an unexpected kiss, coffee in bed, etc.
61. Don't belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to "work" at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions with him. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs.
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you're out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks. Think, "What's he really trying to say?"
69. Don't quarrel over words.
70. Don't forget to be kind and courteous with him. (Don't be kinder to strangers than you are to him.)
71. When something goes wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don't say, "I told you so."
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.75. Hold his hand in public. Snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he's watching television—even if the program doesn't interest you.
80. Don't expect him to read your mind. (Family's are spared a lot of grief when a husband isn't required to read their wife's mind despite the fact that the woman thinks he should.)
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff. (He may view them as more important than you realize.)
83. Work to keep yourself in shape in every way.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words, especially when angry. Remember to "speak the truth in LOVE."
86. Don't criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you're angry with him, express it in respectful ways. Don't give him the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he's sick.
91. Look your best—dress to honor him and make him proud to be seen with you.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don't disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in business or in other areas of everyday living.
96. Be gracious in teaching him how to show you ways that will demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem—maybe for a back scratch or a shoulder rub.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.

Hey M.,

I am having sort of the same problem. For awhile I went through post partum depression that affected my self esteem which inturn affected the way I performed (or not performed) for my husband. I am a Christian woman so naturally I resort to prayer first! I ask God to please help me to remember that my husband comes first even before the children. I also have to ask Him to please help me to want to make love even when I'm tired or not feeling very pretty or sexy!!

It is a difficult thing to do especially if you're a stay at home mom and have two toddlers, but you must do this to sustain your marriage!! My husband and I had a conversation about it yesterday and the bottom line was he wants it whenever he can get it. We are the ones that put pressure on ourselves trying to "set the mood." This is a great idea but I say start off small, where a lingerie to bed or nothing and then build up to the bigger things! This helps me so I pray that has helped you too!

I am a mother of two (a 3yr.old and a 2yr. old and I am a Pastor's wife)

I have found that it doesn't have to occur "in bed". My husband and I are so blessed to have created a "date night" or "date lunch" just for the two of us....
I learned this in my business(Mary Kay).... because we as women are sooooo busy and we do need to take some time out just for us and just for the two of us....it really is a great thing for a couple to have....the most important thing is to announce to him that we are going to have this date time and then stick to it! I hope you try it and like it!

It is all about your husband! LOL Almost 16 years of marriage, and that is still what it is about. Our needs are so very different. I used to tell my husband don't you know how much i love you by the things I do for you? Uh, Nope. They see what you do, but they just want that time with you that no one else can give them. My husband, who is going to school to be a pastor, just wants time alone with me. Nothing new or exotic is needed, just all of my attention. My guess is that is what your husband needs too. We so much of our time into our children that the husband feels left out and uncared for. I have 2 small boys and 3 teenagers. I am tired at the end of the day after working out of the home too, but at least 2 nights a week have to be for us/him. AND, you've got to have a date night. We can't afford a date night every week, but we get out together at least once a month. It is imperative. And it doesn't even have to be centered around Sex. You need time for yourself to. I suggest reading Song of Solomon in the bible, that is one of the romantic things ever written. :P

Hi M.-

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C.

I'm sure you don't have much time for reading with two young children, but an important book EVERY COUPLE SHOULD READ is, "His Needs, Her Needs Building an Affair Proof Marriage" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Husbands and wives have the same needs, but they are NOT in the same order of priority.

The "take away value" I enjoyed most was the part about making deposits and withdrawals in other's love banks. It not only made me think about a marital relationship, but other relationships as well. I want to be sure I am making more positive deposits and less negative ones.

Your husband may be trying to tell you when he says he needs some alone time with you is that he needs sex. It's a man's number one need like it or not, it's reality!

M.-
That's awesome that you're an attentive mom, but don't stress yourself out or put too much pressure on yourself. You have to take care of yourself and your relationship with your husband first--Just like how a flight attendant would tell you to put your Oxygen mask on first before you put it on your child.

There is a great book out there (a little daring at times, but great none-the-less) called Red Hot Monogomy. It gives you ideas for being creative, reminds you to make your bedroom your sanctuary, explains the importants of intimacy (on many levels) with your spouse and much more!

My husband and I have at least one night a month that we block out on the calendar in advance. We line up a sitter and stick to that time. You don't even have to go any where. You can stay home and just enjoy eachother's company without any distractions.

Just remember, don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself. Your relationship with your husband will be the model your children have for their future relationships. So, make sure you're being what you want them to have later on.

Best of luck!

Hi M.,

I have so struggled with keeping our love-life alive since I had my daughter!! here is some great advice I heard quoted from an article that I think appeared in the Oprah magazine "Sex is like pizza." In other words -- for men, there IS no bad sex -- they aren't having sex and thinking "she really needs some new moves!" or "I wish she'd lose that pregnancy fat." They are thinking "YAY -- I'm having sex!!!!" It has been very reassuring to me to tell myself that the only "wrong" way to handle sex with my husband is not to have sex. In Hot Monogamy, Pat Love points out that to say that I don't have time for sex with my partner is to say, in effect, I don't have fifteen minutes to contribute to the happiness of the most important person in my life. One thing that helped me in that was to think of sex as a relatively small time commitment. For some reason i tend to think of it as needing hours and hours, but it really doesn't. Two more specific tips for things I know my husband likes and that i think many other men probably like too: me ripping his clothes off (so corny, but he loves it if I can keep from rolling my eyes when I do it), and the time-honored fave of at least 95% of all men, oral sex.

Good luck!
M.