Issues with Having Another Child

Oh my goodness!! Your son sounds exactly like my son. My husband and I decided to wait until our son turned 3 to try to have a baby, and actually I concieved the day of my son's 3rd birthday party. It has been a lil difficult but this is what I have done to make things easier for my son. We have included him in almost everything. Landon helps me change diapers, make bottles, pick out outfits, feed the baby, and I even went as far as to have him sit with me while I breastfed (conspicuously of course) and explained how I did the same for him when he was a baby. This is one thing though I haven't budged on as far as our old routines go.... Landon's nite nite time is for me and him only. No baby, no daddy, just me and him. He takes a bath, we brush his teeth, I read him a book, and sing him our nightly song (the same song since he was born) all without talk of the baby, or without the baby's presence.
He has had some small issues realizing that when I am breastfeeding the baby, I can't jump up to get him a water or something he wants, but I make it a point to remember every request and get it for him within reason. I have been pleasantly surprised with my son's behavior. He is the absolute best big brother I could ever ask for. He is completely into his lil brother, plays with him, talks to him, sings him lullabys and wants to do everything with him. My husband and I like to think that the way we have handled the "mama's boy" situation has influenced his recent behavior and I hope that my advice can help you in some way. I still tell Landon everyday, a few times a day that he is my world and that noone could ever replace the place in my heart I have for him. If you have any other questions, (not like I am a pro or anything) or even if you just wanna talk, don't be hesistant to shoot me an email and I will help you in any way I know how.
I hope all works out for you and good luck on the baby front.
Pamela
P.s. I never sing the same songs to the baby that I sing to Landon, I tell him that those are me and his songs.

It is wise to take other's feelings into consideration if their lives are going to be affected by your decisions. It may not be the right time right now for another child until your son gets a little older and matures some. My son sounds a lot like your son when he was the same age, he was definitely not ready to have his world changed just yet. Attachment is a good thing and they gradually become more independent on their own as they are ready. I got pregnant sort of accidentally not long after my son turned 2 and he started to mature somewhat and we involved him in our midwife visits...he got to listen to the baby's heartbeat, feel the baby kick. He didn't really seem to fully understand what was happening though. He was very excited to see his new sister...I think our excitement rubbed off on him. He loved to hold her and would try to bring her to me if she was crying, and he's still this way with her. He's protective of her, plays with her, annoys her, hits her with toys...a typical brother! I really liked waiting the extra year and giving him a chance to grow more developmentally.

There are pros and cons to waiting or not waiting. With us, I wanted to give my body a break from pregnancy and give it a chance to recover and that takes at least a year. I didn't want him to remember life without a sibling where it could be a harder transition for him but I didn't want him to be too young either. It just so happened that 2 was a good age for us. If we have a 3rd we'll wait until our baby is 2 or 3.

GO FOR IT! When I brought my second son home from the hospital, his 2-year older brother said "what is he doing here?". But they cannot live without each other! It's completely normal, but it will work out. Your child cannot be the center of the universe, this world will not allow it! The key is to ALWAYS include the older sibling, have him help feed, bath, and hold etc. I am so glad that I have more than 1. Good luck!

My daughter was very much like your son when she was younger, she wouldn't even let me hug my husband without going into full on tantrum. When I found out I was pregnant again I did everything I could to get her involved in the pregnancy. Told her about what was in mommys belly, what was going on, and that at the end she would have a brother.

After I had my son, again I had my daughter help out as much as possible, if it was getting me diapers and wipes or throwing away the diaper. Something to let her know that she was still important and she could help. My daughter was 20months when I had my son. Eventually he became her baby and they became really close.

Now my son is 2 1/2 and they are really good friends and look out for each other. Yes, sometimes they have their moments when they fight, but I don't think there are any siblings in the world that don't fight sometimes.

I hope this helps. but as you said, everone is different so your situation could end up differently.

Hi K.,

I just thought that I would chime in here really quick before I get my kids off to school. I have 4 kids, in my experience the closer the kids are in ages the better chance they have of being buddies. The longer you wait to have another child, the harder it will be on your 2 year old to adjust. Kids are really resilient, and usually love having siblings around. I love watching the relationships my kids have with each other (they are ages 7, 5, 3,1) He will most likely go through a time of being jealous and angry that he is not the center of your world anymore, but he will get over it and be better for it.
I was worried about child #3 (she was very attached and still considered the 'baby') when we had baby #4, but she adjusted beautifully and was the BEST big sister to her new baby. I guess what I am trying to say, is that it will all work out, your son will be thrilled to have a sibling, and you will be amazed that you can fiercely love another little person as much as the first. Good Luck mama! It sounds like you are doing a great job so far.

S.

I like Trish R. answer. I personally would wait until he was a little older, because boys are more immature anyway. My two daughters are almost 3 years apart and I think that is great. My middle child and baby are 15 months apart (all teens now). They actually played together well but there was a lot of jealousy with the new baby coming. I would give your little boy another year or two if you can and then get him as involved with her care, how he is older can help teach her and all that.

I think if you are terrified though, kids pick up on our fears, I would do what I can to know you are ready and comfortable with the decision. I think what happened to your older brother and mom is unfortunate but you can prevent that by still giving him time when the baby comes. Have time alone with him when the baby is sleeping - don't worry about the house during that time, or you can have hubby watch baby and take him to play outside by yourself or go to the store together. Just make sure you let the baby cry at times. I remember when the baby cried I rushed to his side and that left my middle child feeling left out at times, if I had it to do over, I'd let the baby cry more and spend more time with my middle child.

Take care and just know you can prepare as much as possible and then leave the rest in God's hands. There is no perfect age separation, but if you wait quite awhile it's like having two first born. I have a friend whose kids are all 9 years apart. I think 3-5 years is great depending on how close you want the kids to be also. I think if you encourage them to be friends, playmates they will. And don't interfere too much on their quarrels, let them learn how to work it out. I don't mean if they are really hurting each other, but quarrels over little things. They have to learn to resolve things. I was always there trying to make everything fair, well life isn't always fair and the sooner they learn it the better. But when the baby is born, teach your child to share, but tell him he can have some toys he doesn't have to share and he can put them away. That way he doesn't feel the baby is invading all his territory.

Take care and God Bless, and know you will be fine. It's a good time to ask before having another one, I wish they had this resource when I was younger.
K.

Ok, probably not the best thing for your mom to say to you. You can't take the blame for your mom and brother's relationship changing...Anyway, Kids learn so many good things from having a sibling, like sharing, cooperation, independence, autonomy....Sooner or later he will have to face the fact that the world doesn't revolve around him and that you have to make room for more than just him in your life. I think the sooner he learns that the better. If you were to have another baby now, within a week of the baby being born, your son probably won't really remember a time before baby. I think that makes things easier. My fist child was 21 months old when the second came along. He wanted nothing to do with his little sister. He didn't even want her touching him or his things. But, when she started to interact he started to like her. We now have 4 kids and they all LOVE babies. Babies 2-3 and 3-4, were 16 months apart. It was a tough adjustment at first, but I think they are all better off in the end. If in doubt, pray about it.

I can't have any mor children but my one but my oldest sister had an experience that may help you. My niece (adopted) was around 7 years old and my sister got pregnant. My sister got her involved in buying things for the baby. She had her pick out all of the crib supplies, decorations, etc. My niece felt so attached to the new baby coming she forgot her jealousy. Same thing here, try to find a way that he can 'help' prepare for the new baby. Tell him what a great big brother he's going to be. I know you're not pregnant right now but this is advice for the future. By the time you have your second child your son will be around the age of my son and let me tell you, by then they are head strong and more independant. You'll be fine.

As the old saying goes: "This too, shall pass."

If you think he will be jealous of a second child, wait until he's a little older. My son came out of his "clingy" stage when he was about 2 and a half. So, that's when we started trying to get pregnant with our second.

Just go with your gut on this one - it's usually right.

Dear K.; It's been a while since this was an issue for me and my mama friends, but I remember discussing with them that the age of three was a good time to have another child because that's the age when your son will begin to be more interested in playing with other children and will not be so obsessed with mama. You might benefit from reading a child development book which will tell you the stages that children go through and in what order. Don't worry, he will outgrow his obsession with you and begin to be more interested in conquering the world! A large number of children have siblings and survive, but I think you are correct to try to time it so it has the least impact.
Good luck, D.

My daughter was born when my son was 2 and half. He was very cuddly with me...not too clingy...just liked to be close. Nothing changed. He had to learn some patience about waiting while I changed diapers or something that I had to do with the baby that couldn't wait...but it made him realize that the earth did not revolve around him solely and that sometimes he didn't get what he wanted right away. BUT there was ALWAYS time for him and me to snuggle. Even when I nursed the baby I would invite him to sit by me on the couch and bring his toys or a book. Don't make it a big deal and he won't either. I also think that waiting longer might not be as good an idea. Kids are older and could be more resentful about the new little addition (or as they see it....intruder).

I would do it right away! The earlier the better. Babies get over it better then older children. My oldest was a only child for 8 yrs, not by our choice, we just could not get pregnant for 5 yrs. When he came my older son was happy about it at first, but got angry once he figured out the baby took me and his dads attention away. They are getting over it now, my younger son adores his older brother, and my older son will let him "hang with him".

My co-worker waited to have their 2nd child after the older one was 5 yrs old. The oldest daughter resented the baby for taking her mommy and daddys attention.

To some it up... I would have the 2nd baby right away, if not probably only have an only child. Your som will adapt well to the new child, hard at first, but he will see how much fun it is to help mommy get a diaper. Good luck

My son was 2 and half when we found out we would be expecting twins. I worried about that too during my pregnancy. We're a military family so my son is VERY attached to me since we really don't have other family members or close friends around. Your description of attachment is very similar to me. No one else but me could brush his teeth, get him dressed in the morning, give him his bath, make his dinner...the list goes on.
My initial plan was to keep talking about his brothers, we would read our bed time story book to my tummy and talk to them constantly. Another thing that we did was start having him get used to Daddy helping with his daily routine. My husband created a lot of Daddy and Son time (more than usual) so that when I'm busy with newborn twins, big brother wouldn't feel left out or neglected. We talked about his brothers constantly, I called him big brother ever since we found out we were expecting. I praised him for all this "big boy" tasks such as going potty, washing his hands, eating all his food, etc. I started asking him to help me around the house like putting his dirty dishes in the sink, help me put clothes in the washing machine and dryer, putting groceries away in the pantry, etc. His three now and our twins are 3 months old. Big Brother loves his brothers dearly always asking to have them sleep with him in his big boy bed. I NEVER ask him to do tasks for me that pertain to his brothers, such as get a diaper or give them their pacifiers. Unless he asks to help, he doesn't help with the babies. And when he does throw a diaper in the trash for me or give them their pacifiers, I thank him a lot with big hugs and kisses. His routine has never changed, meal time, bed time and bathtime is still the same. The only negative thing he had gone through was the potty. For about a week, we went back to going potty in his pants and refused to wear big boy underwear. Our pediatritian warned us about that. We didn't get mad at him when he had accidents, and he got out of that phase at his own pace. We would just always remind him that Big Brothers go potty in the toilet. We've been lucky enough that he hasn't yet ask us to return his brothers to the hospital or throw them away in the trash. I've heard a ton of horror stories but I think we did pretty good transitioning him into Big Brotherhood. Good luck with you and your growing family!

Hi K.-
I can only give you my experience. My son was much older when we had hes sister. He was 4 and much more capable of understanding what was going on. I explained to him through my WHOLE pregnancy that mommy loved him so much, but that when the baby was born she would need mommy a lot. He ended up being a great help to me when she was born. My husband deployed two weeks after she was born, so my mom came to "help". I always made sure that my son was NOT alone. I spent time with him when the baby slept and my mom was with him when I had to be with the baby. Ad lots of times he would sit by me and we would dicusee the baby and what she did together. Now they adore each other. (Well, most of the time. She is 2 now and can break his legos:)

I can also say that when he was almost three he asked if he could go to school. So I enrolled him in preschool when he was 3. I figured that way he had something to look forward to and it gave us a lot more to talk about when he came home. When the baby was born, he was ready to start school again. It gave me personal time with my new baby and gave him some time to be around people that were focused on him.

I think your son will adjust. If you are willing to wait, he may do better grasping the idea. If you choose to try soon, just let him be involved as much as possible. Good luck and try not to worry so much. Everyone's experience is unique and the fact that you are so concerned about this proves how much you love your little boy.

I was there several years ago! My boys are now 5 and 3...and 1. I had the same feelings. I had a hard time connecting with my second when i pregnant & worried I would never love him as much, but the minute he was placed in my arms all I could see was LOVE! PLus, my oldest came to the hospital (he was only 22 months old) and was so excited!! We had read a lot of books and talked a lot about it. In the days and weeks following the hospital visit he became much closer to his daddy and was his dad's shadow. It was a little bit sad, but his daddy LOVED it! Now my boys are the best of friends and so sweet and protective of one another. And I can tell you when I had my third it was even better...my oldest tells everyone in the family his favorite person is his baby brother!! I think siblings are great, it's the best thing you can do for your child. Everyday when he comes home from school now he sits down reads books to his brothers and shows them what he did...it about melts my heart!! (don't get me wrong, they have their fights too!!).

Personally, it's not up to him to decide. If you and your husband want another child, you should have one. It's not about him "understanding" or waiting until he's old enough to want a sibling. Some kids don't "want" to potty train, or go to school, or eat anything but noodles, or go to sleep, or share mommy. But it's our job to raise our kids to deal with the world, even when they may encounter things they don't like or don't want to do!

Don't say "we decided" to have a baby, just that you ARE having a baby and he will be a big brother. We adopted our son when our daughter was 2 1/2. She often said that she wanted a sister, but we made it clear that it wasn't a choice; some kids get a little sister, some get a little brother and that's the way it is.

Do include him in taking "ownership" of the baby - setting up the room, picking out clothes, etc, but don't make it seem like he will have "jobs" to do in regards to the baby.
Involve him but don't allow him to think he has the power to make decisions regarding this or has the right to be angry about it. Make it matter-of-fact. There's nothing wrong with a child being clingy or overly close to mom, but you should try to teach him that he does not OWN you, or your lap when the cat is there. He can start learning that loving the pets and others does not take away love from him.

We had a very rough adjustment when our son came home. The first 6 months were brutal on all of us, especially since we were dealing with orphanage and attachment issues. My daughter had a tough time and I sometimes wondered if I had just ruined her life! My sister kept reminding me that no matter how hard it may be at times, especially the beginning, that my daughter would ultimately gain so much from having a sibling and that a sibling is the most wonderful gift, even though the older child may not love the idea all the time!

Now, seeing my 2 kids (ages 5.5 and 4) together I can't imagine our family without 2 kids! They love each other so much, they play, they fight, they protect each other, they torment each other! As it should be. :)

Don't be terrified of having another child. Your relationship with your first born will change, but that is just part of growing up. Include your firstborn when you are pregnant again, maybe take him to the docotor's office when you can to hear the baby's heartbeat, find some big brother books. My oldest was mad when I came home with my twins, she was twenty one months at the time....she didn't want me to hold her or put her to bed the first couple of nights, only Daddy. But, she got over that...it didn't last long, especially when she got to be my helper with the babies. Just make sure you include your son and he shouldn't feel left out. Like I said, it's just part of growing up. Best wishes.

We adopted our daughter when our son was 18 months old. I had very similar concerns about his attachment to me and being jealous. He's got some developmental special needs, so we spent a lot of time together in therapies, working on muscle tone, etc. and he was VERY close. He was jealous of her for exactly one week when we brought her home. Then we went to a family member's house for Easter, and when she came home with us, he must have just decided, okay, I guess she lives here, and from then on was fine with it. They are now 2.5 and 4 and are the BEST of friends. I'm so thankful that God led us to adopt again when we did--even though I wasn't entirely sure he was ready (or me either for that matter, as his care was very time-consuming.) She has been such a blessing to our family. They love each other so much and are GREAT playmates.