I'm in need to some serious advice. My boyfriend and I broke up after living together for a little under a year. He just picked up and left. My daughter asks about him and his son, also 3, daily. Sometimes she cries when I tell her they are on vacation. She tells me that they don't love us anymore and they don't want to live with us. She keeps asking to see pictures and talk to them both. I have no idea what to do. My ex wants to be friends but I can't just be friends with him. He wants to see my daughter too and says he misses her.
Also he refuses to get off the lease or move his things out, stating he will be homeless soon and doesn't have anywhere to put it. He left us, I offered my home he decided against. He wont get off the lease, won't move his things out, but he did this to himself.
I know its a two part question but I don't know what to do. Should I let my daughter see him, or just pretend like he doesn't exist?
So I basically told him that he has two weeks to move his things out and he said he wanted to see my daughter still because he loves her. He started crying. He asked to take her to chuckie cheese with me and I refused. He started to freak out and then I caved and said okay...I had every intention of blowing him off. Until he cancelled, 3xs. I repeated to him he had 2 weeks to move his things and then he didn't even respond. I know its a control factor. My daughter is slowly beginning to forget him. I'm actually focusing on our life and thinking about going back to school to get an actual career to better our lives. Screw these assholes...
This is such a sad situation... really, I don't see a 100% right or wrong either way. You can tell her that he and his son aren't coming back to live with you both, but he would still like to see her on occasion for playdates with his son.
I read back a bit to get more information. This is the guy (your soul mate???) you found on vacation when your daughter was very, very young and you wanted to move to California to be his fiance, his wife by 5/10, have him adopt your daughter (who has a father) and have another baby right away.
Thank Goodness none of this happened!!
I think you should be direct with your daughter that they are gone but the two of you can create a wonderful life together. Rip off the band-aid and move on. Tell her that he is not your boyfriend any more, it wasn't best for the family. Please do not jump into relationships when you have vulnerable small children...please!!! This is a huge lesson for you and an example for your daughter.
You will get great advice on the lease and his situation. He has lived there a short period of time. My guess is that he will be "homeless" as long as it takes to drive to California. He may take his stuff while you are at work, you never know.
Good luck, stay away from the men that make you feel all warm and fuzzy. Your family is your daughter and you and it can be so enjoyable!!
Sounds like maybe you're saying he's on vacation, because you're hoping he will come back? And he wants to be "friends"? Really? Sounds like he wants his cake, and to eat it, too. He's toying with you.
In any event, my feeling is that it sounds like he's running from something. Why would he willingly make him & his child homeless, while leaving all his belongings in your apartment? Or he's leaving the things there to keep you as an option. Either way, it's not fair to you or your child.
You need to tell your daughter the truth. Mommy & BF are no longer together, do not live together, and he is not coming back. He lives somewhere else now. Better to be honest with your child, than play with her emotions. Cut the ties now & move on now.
Take him off the lease & if he doesn't get his stuff in a reasonable amount of time, then get rid of them. He's no longer your responsibility, since he so cold heartedly left you in the wind like nothing. His issues are not your issues. They stop being yours when he ditched you. What in the hell kind of man does that? I'm sorry you are in the situation.
Stop lying to yourself and to your daughter. He is NOT on vacation. She's right he does not love you anymore and he does not want to live with "us" anymore. Tell her the truth.
No, he should not see your daughter.
As far as the lease, speak to the landlord. You may want to consult an attorney.
Why are you telling your daughter he is on vacation? He broke up with *you* not her and he is not on vacation. She needs to be told that no matter how hard that is for you to say!
Contact your landlord and have him removed from the lease. He is gone you don't need his permission to remove him from the lease. Put his stuff in storage if he doesn't get it and make him pay the storage fees.
Your daughter will get over it if you tell her the truth, all the vacation lie is doing is giving her false hope.
why oh why do women let men move in with them when they have small children. why do they put a guy in front of their kid? please learn from this!
Wow -what a mess. Where is he if all of his stuff is at your place? I'm not sure how to get his name off of the lease. I would start by talking to your landlord. Be honest with your daughter. I'm not telling you to never date, but with small children -or a small child -living with guys and letting young kids get attached to guys is truly asking for trouble. She won't be little very long! If you're going to do this sort of thing, then you have to be prepared to tell her the truth. She may not comprehend a lot of it since 3 year olds don't necessarily "get" romantic love and the fallout of it, but tell her he decided he didn't want to be there anymore, and that it's sad, but he does care for her -he just won't be around. Be sure to state that it isn't the norm or always the case. I'm afraid if this happens more than once she's going to grow up with the idea that men aren't dependable and always leave. Think about those deep, psyche-forming things while she's so young. Good luck getting rid of his stuff!
He is gone, if you let men walk all over you so will she one day.
Your actions are being watched by a little person who thinks you are the end all be all. Please teach her right.
You know what the right answer is, you know what to do.
He is gone, stop trying to cling what you wish would be & accept what is.
This situation is not right.
Is this the same guy you wanted to have a baby with last year when you were leaving Illinois and moving to CA?
You really need to stop parading men in front of your little girl. Date, but don't bring them home. Get some counseling about how to handle your life better. It will help her too.
I hope you can learn from your experiences so that you can make a better life for you and your child.
Dawn
You have to apply for the appartment solo and hope you still qualify ... and you have to pretend they do not exist. I am sure you have already heard it but it gets tricky when you have kids and a love life.
This situation is a mess no matter what you do at this point. Follow your heart and help your daughter through this as smoothly as possible. You can't do a whole lot to fix what has already happened. But please PLEASE learn from this and stop dating. Now you see what a negative effect it can have on your child when you date. She needs to be your first priority right now - no more dating for you until she is 18. It's not about the type of guy - parents simply should not date when they have children. It takes your energy away from raising your daughter, and eventually you'll want your kid to meet the person your dating and then things go south and it's yet another loss and instability in your kids' life. And even if things go amazing well and you decide to get married, then there will always be resentment on your kid's part about having this new person in their home taking away mom's attention and making new rules. No matter who you date or how well it goes it's not worth the damage it does to your kids.
Once you take the garbage out to the trash can you don't turn around and bring it back into your home LOL!!! And PLEASE stop bringing men around your daughter. Maybe after dating someone for about a year & marriage is in the future.
I know it is sad to hear your daughter's questions, but I think your bigger problem is ending this relationship as cleanly as possible. By that I mean, getting rid of his stuff and making it clear that you don't want to be friends.
As hard as it may be to believe right now, a three-year-old's memory is quite short. She will forget about him once his things are gone and you don't talk about him any more. She is sad now because you are sad.
If this is over, it's over. You need to make a firm decision on that and she will respond even though you say nothing of the like to her. Can you handle the costs of the lease and all? Call the landlord and tell them he's not living with you and let your boyfriend know that. It seems to me, this not getting off the lease thing, and keeping his stuff there is a way of holding on. What a game he's playing and you're letting him. Things have got to go one way or the other. Either he's out and out for good and everything goes with him, or you each decide you want to work on the relationship and take positive steps to do so, like going to counseling. This is very sad for your little girl and his son because they're caught inbetweeen and really so are you. It seems to me, he's holding everyone hostage, emotional hostage. Don't let him. Make it clear to him he's out of your life in a simple and firm way. And then work on yourself, this is the best thing for you and your daughter. When his things are gone, there will no reminders for her. She will forget and you can ease her insecurities with warmth and love and giving her a sense of security, this is what she's begging for really. She feels hurt just as you do. Remember this whole experience for your own sake and her's, so hopefully the next one will actually be the one. I know you want the best for her and yourself. Forgive and let him go.
Be Well
I am sorry, this is sad :-(. Since you don't know how it's going to be from now on with this man (wether or not he'll be able/willing to be a consistent presence for your daughter even if you split), I'd just hold off visits etc...gently redirect your daughter's request to something else and happier. No reason to tease her emotions. Good luck!
