Imagine this: You "had words" with a relative and pretty much agreed that you two would not attempt to have a close and loving relationship. Then you were invited a few months later by that relative to join other relatives at a netural public place that would be fun for everybody, especially the kids.
Would you think it most appropriate to receive...
a. this mass invitation and nothing else or
b. the invitation plus an accompanying message to you alone saying something like, "Hey, I know that things have been unpleasant between us, but I would like for you to come out and have a good time" or
c. no invitation at all?
Cool. Thanks. I did B with my SIL. We don't talk to each other except via email or text, so I sent her a text message to make sure that she got the note. The event is very informal, but I wanted her to hear directly from that I WANTED her and her kid to come and have fun with us...thought I was reaching out doing a good thing. She was offended that I acknowledged the unpleasantness. I guess I made the mistake of doing it the way that I would have wanted it done if the roles were reversed. I thought that not acknowledging it would be more awkward since we have never had a good relationship. She didn't even respond, just told somebody else why she's not coming.
It's not a "family" event. I was invited to a place that was really great for my kid, so I scheduled to go back at first chance and invited people with young children whom I thought might also enjoy it.
ETA: SIL and I finally addressed our non-relationship when I just came out and asked what if anything I'd done to offend her. She kept saying nothing, yet she would never speak to me, and she was downright gushy with my husband. Turns out she was only talking to me now because we both had babies and she wanted to do playdates. I told her that I thought we should settle our differences first before trying to schedule any playdate, and she backed off and didn't want to talk. She lashed out and said something dumb, and I called her an airhead. And she started ignoring me again. Whenever I say anything to her, she takes offense. (Seriously, I mentioned that her son looked cute in a photo, and she said that he looks cute in all his photos.) So this invitation was my last effort. She has still not said anything to me, just to other people.
For those who think that I am "bringing up the rift", it's always there. For me, it's to the point where it's awkward if we don't mention it. Siincere question: How do you move beyond something if you aren't willing to address it, but each of you feels slighted and disrespected? (I actually don't know how she feels because she keeps saying she doesn't know what I'm talking about.)
"Siincere question: How do you move beyond something if you aren't willing to address it, but each of you feels slighted and disrespected? "
This is pretty simple: Suck it up, take the high road, and apologize. Understand that there are some people who take offense to everything. If you want a relationship with her, just get used to it and be prepared to communicate "what I meant was..." and if you don't, then cut it off.
B is really nice, A will do, C is petty since they are still family and its not right to exclude ecspecially if they have kids
Heather, I think you and I would get along well.
You seem like a very upfront and responsible person. Situations are matter-of-fact to you, and you don't like drama. Women love drama. It's why your SIL talks behind your back, yet is all wishy-washy with you. I hate - HATE HATE HATE - people that talk behind other's backs, and people that get in other people's business. Talk about Miracle Grow for drama!
My answer to your question above is B. It is the adult thing to do, and just because you don't like each other doesn't mean that everyone else has to suffer. She is dragging everyone else into the situation and causing them grief over it by talking to them and not you, and by refusing to address the situation directly.
a
The hatchet has been buried, no need to remind.
A. It's a family event. You are family. You are invited.
No invitation at all...but that is just me.
My cousin called last week and invited us to his house for an Easter celebration this coming weekend. I said "while I appreciate the invite I'm gong to decline. While I can check my issues with others at the door so the kids can have a good time, I know that individuals coming cannot and I will not subject my kids to it anymore."
But it really put me in an awkward position for him to do that...especially knowing that his mother and sister have done so much to me that I actually blocked them from all phones/social networking...if I could I would block them from knowing where I live. And since they are his immediate family I figure they rank above me and so I will not attend.
I would have only sent the mass invitation.
By the way, I think you should have agreed to playdates between the kids. You and SIL do not have to get along to foster a relationship between cousins. This is your issue and has nothing to do with the kids.
How you move on without addressing it, is you just move on. Why hold grudge, you're going to be family forever (hopefully).
In answer to "How do you move on?" is to stop going backwards. Forget what happened and start over. She may be too embarrassed to admit that she was at fault or she may feel judged by you and ever insecure. It really doesn't matter. If you really want to have a relationship with her and plan some play dates with the kids, you have to act as if nothing has happened in the past and that all is well. It is then less awkward for everyone.
If you look only for the nice things in her, it will be more pleasant. Just ignore the negative. (It gets easier with practice.) If she says something that appears to be taking offense, just smile. For example, when she said that her son looks cute in every photo, just agree with her and smile.
A and B are the correct responces. C only if one found out about the event after speaking with another family memeber thus becoming the verbal invite.
Depending on what happened & how long ago it happened that person may of forgotten about it. Or they may want to tell you in person. I think saying something like that by letter is inpersonal
Good for you!
She was offended that you invited her? Or that was what caused the problem in the past?
I think I'd go for "b" - and if I were doing the inviting, that's the way I hope I would do it. On the other hand, if I were on the receiving end, I'd take whatever I got. I can't make other people do their invitations properly (more's the pity!) :^)
b.
Doing "a" and "c" can make the other person get ideas about the sender, what the other person thinks, questioning motives, etc. due to lack of information. B is straight-forward.
B and maybe A depends on what happend. But if family is getting together noone should be left out!
As someone who is in a similar situation, you can try to ignore it and move on but that only works if the other person is able to ignore and move on. As my husband says, it takes 2 to make any relationship work.
It sucks to be in this situation. I wish you much success in whatever road you go down.
A- the right answer
B- awkwardly bringing up the rift between you two.
C- slap in the face
I've been there, with my SIL. Lately happy to say, we are getting along better now.
B. You still don't have to be best friends but its making it clear that you will both be civil during the event. Good luck.
