Is Tardiness Nature or Nurture ?

I was brought up to not keep others waiting. My mom was a kindergarten teacher, we had a large family, so there was no excuse for it in her mind. You were ready, by door, when she needed you to be.

I don't like feeling crunched or rushed. It stresses me out, so we as a family, get things ready early.

So for me - both.

Lateness is one of my biggest pet peeves. It is rude and I have even less tolerance for it since I've become a mom. When I make plans with someone, that usually means that I have to choose not to do something else. If I take time to be with you, that means that I'm missing time with my kids. Frankly, if I find that someone is constantly late with no good reason, I stop making plans with them. Life is too short to spend always waiting on folks.

I believe that this is a choice. If you are always late, then you simply don't care enough to be on time. I often wonder if late people really get how bad their behavior makes them look... I get that late people often don't intend to be rude and inconsiderate, but they are...

I have struggled with this as well, but there are things you can do to make it better.

Getting the boys on the school bus was a real struggle, so I started setting multiple alarms on my phone. Not just wake up time, but reminders to make lunches and bus time. It keeps us from letting the time slip away.

I've learned that the biggest reason i was chronically late was that i simply wasn't realistic about how long things took. I wasn't giving myself enough time.

Take a really good look at how long it takes you to do everything. Pad the numbers a bit, and give yourself a new start time. It might make a big difference.

ETA - I think a lot of people are taking this too personally. Yes being chronically late is inconsiderate, but it is not blatantly selfish. It is true that I should try harder to give myself enough time and that when I am late it is usually because i was unrealistic about how much time I would need. But that is not the same thing as making a conscious choice to disregard other people's time and other people's needs.

E., I think it's important to work on being more realistic with your time and working at changing your routine so that you are on time, if not early, for things. But I encourage you not to take some of the comments too much to heart. Those who have never struggled with this do not realize how difficult it can be to make changes. Keep working at this. You can do it!

Sorry, but this is selfishness teaching selfishness.
"Chronic tardiness" means that you just have no respect for anyone else's time. It's a choice you make. It's not a mental condition.
Please don't teach your daughter the same. The people that you consistently keep waiting will appreciate it.

Chronic Tardiness is a choice plain and simple, time management is a choice. Yes the occasional unexpected thing may come up and make us all late every once in a while, but this does not sound like an "every once in a while" type of issue. Is it really so hard to set you alarm for 20 minutes earlier so you are not late? Chronic lateness can not only affect job status but it can also impact friendships and is rather rude to be honest, it is like you are telling people your time is more important than theirs. In my opinion it is time for you to make some changes and mirror better behavior for your child.

Ppl that are chronically late piss me off, to the point I just completely stop getting together with them. It's rude, inconsiderate, and extremely narcissistic/arrogant to think it's ok to constantly keep people waiting on you - your day/life/plans are no more busy or important than the next guy. It's a choice, plain and simple. Get yourself scheduled and organized, and stick to it - your children have learned from you that it's acceptable - they will eventually learn it's not, but it could come at the cost of friends/jobs/opportunities.

It's great that you see it! I am punctual but once had a boyfriend who was late for everything. It drove me nuts but, for him, putting his watch ahead 15 minutes made all the difference in the world. This way, his crunch time didn't become mine. Help your daughter (and yourself) find tricks that work for you.

Updated

It's great that you see it! I am punctual but once had a boyfriend who was late for everything. It drove me nuts but, for him, putting his watch ahead 15 minutes made all the difference in the world. This way, his crunch time didn't become mine. Help your daughter (and yourself) find tricks that work for you.

Updated

It's great that you see it! I am punctual but once had a boyfriend who was late for everything. It drove me nuts but, for him, putting his watch ahead 15 minutes made all the difference in the world. This way, his crunch time didn't become mine. Help your daughter (and yourself) find tricks that work for you.

Updated

It's great that you see it! I am punctual but once had a boyfriend who was late for everything. It drove me nuts but, for him, putting his watch ahead 15 minutes made all the difference in the world. This way, his crunch time didn't become mine. Help your daughter (and yourself) find tricks that work for you.

Nature.
My sister's always been chronically late - and she doesn't care.
At least you're working on it.
I'm punctual to the point where you can set a clock by me.
If I'm late for something - people wonder if I've died - it's extremely rare.

A while ago someone responded to a similar question with a great suggestion. Leave at least 15 minutes earlier than you think you should. Every time. Every occasion.

This has been very helpful to me. I find if I leave when I think I should, I can be just exactly on time, or late. Now, I leave 15 minutes before I think I should. Amazingly I am rarely way too early. So my internal clock must be set wrong (nature), but this new technique is making me more responsible and I feel great about it (nurture). And for you this would be even more beneficial, because you will be modeling this for your daughter. All my best.

My brother is like you, except he's so late that he doesn't even get to that urgent point. Even crunch time means nothing to him. In his case, his lateness is caused by arrogance and pride and a hugely inflated ego. I think there are less evil causes for tardiness too, like a lack of organization, or laziness, or a lack of self discipline, being raised in a home where timeliness was ignored, for example.

You don't "suffer" from chronic tardiness, you are causing suffering on the part of other people - the people who made time for your appointment, the people who are waiting for you, and on the part of your child, too. It's not a lack of time perception if you're able to tell time. It's a refusal to acknowledge time and conduct yourself in an organized way.

Look at being late from the perspective of how it affects others. Picture the doctor, teacher or coach who has made time for you or your child. Think of the many people who are depending on your showing up promptly. Think of your son's future. Think about how paying bills promptly makes you feel. Don't just think of the clock or the calendar. Think about your reliability, trustworthiness, and that of your son. Don't think of it as suffering from something - put it in a positive way. "When I said we would be there at noon, I will prepare well ahead of time and prove my trustworthiness by keeping my word."

A wise doctor told my daughter that it's hard to break a bad habit by saying "I won't [overeat, smoke, be late to everything, whatever the issue is] anymore." Instead, choose a positive habit or choice and focus on that. For example, if you pick your nails and your fingers just have raw ugly nails on them, and you want to stop that, don't say "I won't pick my nails anymore". Instead, tell yourself "I will treat my nails with care, and rub oil into them, and protect them and every day they will grow a little and my skin will heal." Don't say "I'm going to stop eating junk food". Say "today I will treat my body well and feed it a fresh apple and a healthy salad". Maybe something like that will help you focus on being on time, and adhering to a schedule or fulfilling your word.

i think both come into play, but my theory is that it's more nature- but nurture can certainly help.
we are a family divided. my husband and older son are 10 minutes early to everything. my younger and i can't get our butts in gear without the awful motivation of panic.
i apologize to my younger for leaving him this legacy, but i've never managed to overcome it myself. i do have coping mechanisms to make it easier to work with, and he's developed his own too.
khairete
S.

I think it's really hard for some people. I also think there are people who are truly selfish and clueless, but I don't think it's everyone.I understand how frustrated people get when they are waiting for someone who is late. I think a lot of people who suffer from depression or anxiety just can't get all their ducks in a row - the thought process is as difficult and as real as, say, someone else with dyslexia who just can't see the letters in the right order or someone with an eating disorder who just thinks she's fat all the time no matter what anyone else says.

I'm the type who has too many things going on and I always think I can squeeze one more thing in, but I still try really hard not to be late. I often find that one of the many things I need to do didn't get on my list - like ironing something I must wear for an event. I find I get super stressed trying to make up time, and it's much worse for me. But I've also been on the other side of it, sitting in a car on a hot day, waiting for someone for an arranged day at the beach or sitting in a restaurant alone, taking up a table for a waitress who isn't making a dime off me because my companion hasn't arrived yet to order. When I think about the effect on others and how irritated I get when it happens to me, it motivates me to do better.

My husband has had his watch set 5 minutes fast since he was 20 years old for just that reason, but I still tell him our departure time is 15 minutes before it really is. Why? Because it makes my life so much better and I think it makes him a safer driver when he isn't rushing. I think too many people on the roads are speeding and cutting people off or just not watching the rest of the traffic because they are so far behind schedule, and that's dangerous. Imagine your child crossing the street or the mall parking, even in a crosswalk, and someone as late as you are zooming right into her because they were late. That's motivating!

I think it helps to do a few things:

1) do as much the night before as you can (set out clothes, iron your blouse, make school lunch, pack the backpack, etc.) to minimize the decision making
2) have a really good organization system by the door - keys, backpack hooks, basket for mittens/gloves, phone charger, etc.
3) Prioritize tasks so the luxuries are at the end of the list. So the child absolute MUST eat breakfast and get dressed before turning on the TV or reading a book. Use the same list for yourself. You get dress and eat breakfast before you have coffee or look at the paper or emails, or turn on Good Morning America.
4) Have a set of clothes and a snack bar in the car for the kid who is still in pajamas with no breakfast at departure time. There's nothing more effective than putting a kid in the car in PJs and telling her she's going to school like that with her hair messed up, or she can change in the car, and no, there's no favorite breakfast because she didn't get ready on time.
5) When my son didn't want to get ready for school bus, I told him "Fine. When you are ready, I will drive you since you will have missed the bus. But the school rule is that late arrivals must check in at the office before going to class. So you can stop in and explain to Mrs. X the principal why you don't think it's important for you to come to school on time." That took ME out of it and put the consequences of tardiness right on his shoulders.
6) Counseling or Coaching - get to the root of the problem and have a professional help you with very real strategies to get over this hump especially because you see it affecting your daughter's life. You can get help getting to a place where you actually have far less stress by being on time or even early.

I think there can be a "nature" basis for it, but that can't be an excuse to not deal with it. There's a "nature" basis to strep throat and clinical depression in the sense that no one else caused it, but that doesn't mean you don't get treated.

growing up i made my family late. then i got my act together and became punctual. now its my kids making me late. so its either both or neither. since i struggled to be on time forever. then at some point in life i got sick of it and changed. now i am on time. i plan for my kids tardiness, and we usually make it ontime to places. (despite the fact that it can take an hour for my kid to find shoes walk to the car get in and buckle herself...)

"Chronic tardiness" is not a diagnose-able sickness.
It's just that you don't care enough to get where you need to on time.
Which is rude.
So fix it. Stop being urgent at crunch time. Do things BEFORE they need to be done.
I really hate being late and hate that my husband thinks he suffers from "chronic tardiness" as well. Nope. That's just an excuse.
Your 9 year old has just learned from you that being on time isn't important.

In fairness I think there is some nature to it. I'm have this inner compulsion to be on time which my father certainly didn't nurture. He is late a lot. But you definitely can overcome it. I do think it's unrealistic assumptions a lot of the time. My husband has gotten better so it can be done but he is late a lot. He acts surprised at things like traffic on a Friday at rush hour. He always assumes things will go perfectly and leaves zero room for error. You can't do that. You have to be realistic.

Thanks for all great feedback. I grew up in a household with three very focused adults. Yet as child I was always in my own world. Family teased me of doing everything slow. I have my wrist watch, kitchen clock and car time 8 min. Ahead this has been a practice for years. My husband thinks I should make it accurate but that thought scares me. I have two alerts to every calendar event I think all the margins and padding I put in play spoilt me. Perhaps I should change things up so I can take heed of the reminders The most helpful comment was underestimating how much time it will take to get there or get ready. I also lean on the possibility that events would be delayed cause of some other matter and I would slip in unnoticed. I am the person who would throw a load in the washer so I can dry when I return. I would weigh it up and quickly squeeze it in as it will just take a moment. But not saying no to myself quickly runs a large tab. My older son is like his dad do what is needed and be where you're supposed to be. I wish I was more like that. Going forward I plan to arrive 15 early at any appointment and reward myself with reading during that time of waiting.

Both.

You recognize your fault, should be easy to fix if you really try.
It's quite simple, leave earlier, for everything!

Like Jennifer T., I stop hanging out with folk who have consistently kept me waiting. Yes, I take it personally.

When your daughter is late getting ready to go with you to the mall, McDonalds or somewhere else-- cancel the plan. She will get the memo after you do that a few times.

Nature or nurture? Who knows? Did your parents actively encourage you to be late? Were they always late and careless about time themselves? That *might* be nurture. shrug. Does it matter?

I had a chronically late mother. I hated it and make a point to be on time but not too early. I value the time of the other person expecting to receive me, so while I might be very early for appointments where I can sit and be out of the way (professionals, waiting room, like at a doctor's office), with friends I might walk around the neighborhood for five minutes or so, that way I'm not interrupting *their* time. They might be wrapping things up, tidying up... I respect that too.

I don't necessarily drop friends who are chronically late; it's usually because the person is late *as well as* regularly inconsiderate. I have two chronically late friends who are very giving, loving people. They are both super smart women who have a lot of demands on them or can get into their own heads from time to time; but when we are together, they are wonderful people. They love me, love my family, and are always there in a pinch (even if it's 10 minutes behind the time we planned). If they will be significantly late, they will call to give me a head's up.

I consider the person, not just one behavior. People can be on time and still be jerks. It's about looking at the whole package of the friendship, not just one facet.

E.,

Welcome to mamapedia!

Personally? Being late is RUDE. My time is JUST as important as yours. In MY opinion? this is just plain laziness because people have accepted this behavior from you in the past and you don't make the necessary fixes to CHANGE THIS.

You are passing this on to your daughter. Her education will suffer as she continues to be TARDY to class. DO you know how freaking RUDE that is?!?! Her walking in late disrupts the WHOLE class. Why are you or she so special that TIME doesn't mean anything to you?

Sorry - when I make plans with people? I arrive at LEAST 15 minutes early - that's ON TIME to me. I have stressed this to my boys. My son, who is 16, works, he has to be at work at 5PM, we leave at 430. Even though it's THREE MILES? Being LATE IS RUDE!!!

You can fix this. It appears that you don't want to.

HOW can you fix this?
1. Set your clothes out the night before.
2. Make your lunches the night before.
3. Have your items that you need to take with you already in your car or on a hook by the door you leave out of.
4. Set a TIMER for yourself. If you know it will take you 15 minutes to get there WITHOUT traffic and 30 WITH? You give yourself 30 minutes. PERIOD. Stuff happens.
5. Make sure YOU know how long it takes you to get ready. If you are easily distracted? Talk with your doctor about being tested for ADD/ADHD and get on meds to help slow your brain down so you know what you can and cannot accomplish. This is totally RUDE. I would stop hanging out with you if you couldn't respect my time.

You aren't so special that people will continually wait for you. People might start telling you to be there an hour earlier than you need to be so they know you'll get there an hour late. HOW FREAKING SAD IS THAT?? You're an adult!! FIX THIS!!

It's learned. Everyone can set a clock and figure out a way to get up and go. It's just finding your solution.

I had a friend who was always late. On my girls BIRTHDAY! We were going to OKC, big family party planned, everyone coming to Chucky Cheese, big deal, and my friend was driving. She gotten there on time and we loaded up. On our way and she decides she needs an oil change. WHAT???

She won't get on the highway without getting the oil done. So we go to Take Ten and wait and wait and wait. Finally, nearly an hour later, her oil is done and we can get on the road.

The kids dentist appointment was in 30 minutes and it was an hour drive. I was so mad with her. It takes 6 months to get an appointment with our pediatric dentist. We always got the last appointment of the day too so it wasn't like we could go and let them work us in.

So they lost their 6 month check up due to her lazy butt. Then I figured why to to OKC at all. I called all the family and they decided to just do a family party for her when we eventually got there.

I never forgave my friend. All a person has to do to be on time is set their alarms on their phone or a table clock or something. Then decide to hear it and get up.

It's your choice to be late. That's all I can give you. If you wanted to be on time YOU would notice what time it is and know you are supposed to leave for this thing at that time or you're late.

Then do it. If you want to be late then be late. Otherwise develop new habits.

I don't have time for people who won't be on time. I have very little patience for them. If it's an occasional thing due to circumstances they can't help then that's forgivable.

Sitting on your hiney doing something else and expecting everyone else to wait and accept your lack of consideration is rude and shouldn't be tolerated.

It's your choice so figure out what works. Set your clocks up 15 minutes if that helps. If not, then set them up by half an hour. You are teaching your child your learned behaviors.

Good luck. I hope you can get over this. I am the opposite. I am usually 15m early to everything. I HATE it when people are late and make me wait for a long time. I find it easy to be early to it's hard for me to give you advice. Just wake up and do the things you need to do to get ready. Don't do anything else...no other projects or getting on the computer or whatever you are doing that wastes your time. Just shower, get dressed, do your hair etc. Then eat food and pack up your bags of what you need. It really does not take that long. If it is taking you a long time then wake up an hour earlier. Make yourself leave 15 minutes BEFORE you are supposed to leave every day. I wish you luck!!