Is She the Only One?

Sounds odd.
I have a very dear friend with severe RA and Lupus at 48.
NEVER complains.
I knowcshe is in acute pain more days than not.
She's ALWAYS smiling, pleasant and totally put together.
That's O. thing. To choose to try to rise above a debilitating condition.
No not mention a word about a sprained ankle for days or weeks to anyone? Odd.

I guess I triage myself and decide if I need to seek treatment or not. I tell people of pain or health problems on a need to know basis. I usually only discuss pain or health problems if they are relevant ie) I don't want to go for a walk right now because I am resting my sprained ankle or I can't lift those boxes because my back is too sore, I can't go to work today because I am too sick. Otherwise I don't complain just for the sake of complaining.

I think there's a balance in every aspect of life. There's a huge chasm between hiding your personal, private medical issues at all times and sharing every headache and hangnail with everyone. The first can be due to privacy and confidentiality, the second can become a huge barrier to ever making friends or being taken seriously.

I wouldn't tell everyone if I sprained a ankle, but wouldn't hide it if someone asked me to go for an all day hike.

But if she's not telling her husband when she's under the weather, I'd wonder why not. Is he unsympathetic, abusive, selfish, clueless? Does she not think she merits any TLC? Is she finally telling you because she's desperate for someone to care about her? Is she "testing" you with this info so that she can see if you can help her with even more things? Has she been ridiculed or put down before (perhaps as a child) for having any "weaknesses"? Those are greater concerns.

I think her reasons are of more interest than whether she tells or doesn't.

Not bringing it up in random conversation is not the same as hiding something. I may have a good awful headache and not mention it to anyone. That's not hiding it. Hiding it would be what I did when I found a lump in my breast and didn't tell anyone until I had to go in for surgery. Those are two different things.

Sounds like she's mentally off.

I am appropriately stoic and don't whine or complain. But I certainly don't hide sprained ankles and other conditions completely. Everyone I know will mention a painful condition they're having. Only a rare few are clueless hypochondriacs who inappropriately dwell on their own physical problems all the time.

No, doesn't seem normal to me.

This is kind of weird. Honestly, I can't decide if she's bragging or looking for pity. Either way, she's not "hiding" anything. She's told you. She wants attention of some sort.

My response would be, "When I'm hurt or sick, I seek medical advice and treatment. I'd hate for an illness or injury to worsen or heal improperly and be left with permanent, irrevocable damage. My family needs me and trusts me to take care of myself. You should do the same."

I think it depends on how private a person is.

My in-laws talk about every sniffle, ache, pain and mosquito bite.

I have a serious illness and I don't share that with people unless they need to know. But I think that's different than what you are describing.
I don't consider that hiding it - if people ask, I tell them.

I had a friend who had a lot of anxiety. She used to fret about her ailments and not tell anyone, for fear that they might turn out to be real. Not sure if that's what your friend is experiencing. Sometimes people don't go to the doctor for fear of the unknown, right?

I'm never sure what normal is. I just know what I do (normal or not!).

Not sure if that helped :)

I have fibromyalgia and a bum knee - pain is a daily fact of my existence.
When people ask how I am, unless I'm hurting to the point of non-functioning, I say that I'm fine. No point in complaining about something that can't be fixed and isn't going to stop me from doing what I want to do.
If I'm aching to the point that it hurts to walk and talk, I will tell my husband that I need him to cover my chores for me.
I don't visit a doctor or announce that I'm hurting if I don't need help with it.
A sprained ankle - I wrap an ace bandage around it and get on with my day. If it's really hurting badly, I will ask my husband to walk the dog without me (we usually do it together).
Migraine - I take my meds and go lie down until it passes. If it looks like it's going to last a while, I will tell my husband that he's on his own for dinner and he needs to feed and walk the dog, but that's it.

no. i'm sure she's not The Only One.
?
khairete
S.

Huh? To me this is drama queen like, she's seeking attention for it. I hate to have attention for things like that, but it happens. If I sprain my ankle, I will likely need support from others, if my head hurts, I might want to lay down, etc.

So do I complain constantly? Nope. But do I seek help or medical advice/treatment when necessary? Absolutely.

Your friend sounds like she has mental problems. Really - who thinks that their ankle is sprained and hides it? That's not just ridiculous - it's unhealthy.

She needs a therapist. I hope you told her something along those lines.

Well no, I don't share every ache and pain I have with people on a regular basis, other than the people I live with. But I don't "hide" it either.

I don't tell my DH about every headache or pain, but if I sprained my ankle, yes he would know. I would ask her why she felt she needed to hide that from her spouse and didn't get medical treatment. Does she have some sort of back history where she needed to keep quiet about her health?

I like Christy's answer. Encourage her to seek medical care as needed.

Is she possibly being abused? That could be a reason for not going to see a doctor.

After reading the SWH addition-- it sounds as if possibly she is, as you already suspect, hiding any physical complaints from her husband. She may be telling you these things, asking you "Is it normal to just keep pain secret?" because her husband's attitude is, over time, making her unsure of what "normal" is any more. If the husband is unsupportive to the point of calling her names when she expresses pain, then I agree with your assessment that she likely is hiding her own pain so he won't be angry with her or think she's weak and a "wuss."

I think she asked you the question because she is frightened at being in pain but even more frightened to tell her husband or go to a doctor (possibly she fears her husband seeing the doctor's statement on their insurance records). She might have been seeking, from you, some confirmation that it's OK for her to keep pain secret. Or conversely, she might have been hoping -- without even realizing she was hoping it -- that you would say, "No, honey, it is not normal or OK to be in pain and let's get you on the phone to make an appointment right now...."

You can't read her mind but it sounds as if she might be cowed by a husband who--at best--is unsympathetic, and at worst, sounds immature, if he calls her childish names. You said he complains about every little thing. She may not want to be like that, so she hides every little thing -- and some big things too, like a possibly sprained ankle. He might have made being sick his "thing" to the point that he expects her never to complain (that's his hobby, not hers) and it's made her scared to voice any need for help.

OK, that's the armchair psychologist version. What matters is whether you feel you can talk to her and say, "It is not healthy to never see a doctor if you are in pain and don't know why. What most people do is find out what is going on. If your husband is not willing or able to go with you to a doctor, I will go with you if you need someone else along." I would not criticize the husband to her, beyond saying that if he can't make it to the doctor's with her, you're available.

I agree with the others, and I wonder why (if she never told anyone at the time) she is telling you about both her sprained ankle AND the fact that she didn't tell anyone at the time it occurred. That sounds like she wants someone to tell her that it's ok, that she she *should* tell someone and seek appropriate medical help, when she is hurting. What has prevented her from doing so in the past? Did you ask her? She wants to tell you.

I read the responses. .. my initial reply would be I do mention my headaches or sprains to friends and family...as in "how was your weekend?" Oh I had a killer migraine on sat and didn't do much how about you?"

I got the impression from some responses that I should keep that more quiet...like no one wants to hear about grandma's gall bladder surgery....not sure about your friend...I am of the camp that if it's on my mind it say it