Is It Worth It?

Do you WANT to apologize? Do you feel bad and remorseful when you see her? If that is the case, then absolutely say something. A genuine apology for something that you wish you could take back might make you both feel better. And perhaps it would pave the way to some other new connection. But don't say anything if you are expecting a certain outcome. Don't do it just to smooth things over or rekindle a friendship, because you have no control over how she will react to it and you may set yourself up for disappointment, not to mention it would put undue pressure on her to react a certain way.

I recently googled an old friend who, in my perception, I had wronged the last time I saw her in my 20s. I sent her an email apologizing, and she replied with disbelief that I even remembered such a silly thing. We caught up in a couple emails with details of where we are and what we're doing, then it petered out. It's nice not to have the perceived anger hanging over my head, but it didn't restart the old great friendship. Sometimes too much has changed to get that back.

Nice to read that this has happened to others! Our falling out happened when I was 24 and decided not to marry her husbands best friend. It was more my decision to abandon the relationship than hers and it's haunted me for 12 years! I finally wrote her a letter with the intention of mailing it, but just the act of writing my feelings down on paper seemed to ebb that feeling of needing to connect with her. I may send it someday, but I think the most important thing is that I finally forgave myself for giving up on our friendship. Maybe you could put your feelings down on paper, and see how you feel after that.

My situation is a little different from yours. But here is what happened with me. I was best friends with a girl named Rachel all the way from kindergarten to 8th grade. We were inseparable! It was the last day of school and all of us were getting our year books signed. Rachel said she noticed in another girls yearbook that I wrote "You are my best friend, not Rachel". Was this true?? No, but Rachel insisted on believing it anyway. From that day she decided to be my worst enemy. It was horrible. She would call me some mean names all the way through high school. We would see each other from time to time at functions and she would continue giving me dirty looks. We also had so many wonderful memories from our childhood. It wasn't until recently that I received an email from her older sister. This came out of the blue. Her sister told me that she saw pictures of my kids and just wanted to tell me how beautiful they were. I then asked if she could send me Rachel's contact information. I knew that Rachel was married and had two kids as well. I wanted to put everything aside and try to move on. My soul purpose was to put all of this to rest. After Rachel and I talked we ended up getting together a few times. We are not as close as we used to be way back when, but we are trying to make a point to stay in touch and let all the passed go. We were young and dumb! We are both in our late 20's and have grown up quite a bit.

It sounds like it's been on your mind lately to apologize. I would go for it. At least you are being the bigger person.

good luck,
ak

It is if your still thinking about it. If you have that many memories, you'll move on, but with regret you never said sorry. She may reject you, but at least you'll have it off of your mind, you made the attempt and were the bigger person for it. Life is too short to live with what ifs......

My situation is with me and a very good friend from the past not communicating at all anymore. We met in college and were roomates for six months. I moved to chicago after i graduated and she followed. We hung out a lot and were best friends. She was one of my bridesmaids and visited me alot after I had kids. I also still visited her. She got to a point where she needed a place to live because she couldnt afford her apartment anymore and the friend that she had been living with short term kind of pushed her away (she would work late and come to their home around 11pm and I'm sure woke up their toddlers and infant) anyways, she was not paying rent with this friend and apparetly wore out her welcome. I asked my husband if she cold stay with us for a while and he said no. We didnt have an extra bedroom, he was working from home, we have two small kids and he just thought it wouldnt be a good idea. He told me, it would be like having one of his friends live with us for a while...uh, no thanks. He also thought it was a lot of her to ask. She had been driving back and forth from michigan to chicago, so she wanted to commute back and forth and stay a few days a week. He thought the best thing for her was to find a job back home in michigan. I explained to her that i wished i could say yes but i had to respect my husbands wishes and had to say no. a few months later, we had plans in may. she no called no showed. and since that point has emailed just about two times. One email said that she had been "consumed" by work over the summer and she hoped I wasnt mad. I had tried to email and call her. I just think some people grow apart. I have since stopped trying to get in touch with her. I feel that she was mad because i couldnt offer her a place to live and that she was at an unhappy place in her life. Being what i thought, a good friend, i left the lines of communication open in case she just needed some time. She was unhappy with wanting an old boyfriend back, wanting a family and kids.... Anyways, it does hurt when it is a best friend - it's like breaking up with someone and although closure would be nice for me, I have since deleted her phone numbers and email addresses from my phone and computer. I still know both, but at least I'm not as tempted to say, "hey, what's new, how have you been"

Oh my gosh, this is something close to me as I JUST went through this!

Anyway, seven years ago I backed out of my best friends wedding. I did it along with another friend and we did it over the phone. In hindsight, I know it was the IMMATURE way to handle it and I have always regretted it deep inside. Obviously, there is a lot more to the story, but we stopped talking.

I still heard about her through other friends and her first daughter was due within days of my first son (they will be three in June). We both struggled with pregnancy for different reasons. So when I heard she was pregnant and due at the same time, I dropped her an email wishing her the best. I made it clear that I wasn't trying to rekindle a friendship - only that I wished her the best with her pregnancy. She wrote me back, thanked me for the well wishes and offered the same to us. Done deal.

This past year, she had her second daughter and I delivered our second son. After months of thinking about it, I wrote her an email at the end of January - not apologizing - but just telling her that I thought of her often and hoped that she has found as much joy in her girls as I have in my boys.

She wrote back and suggested meeting. After a TON of emails, we couldn't wait to get together and had a 3+ hour lunch. It was like very little time had passed - not seven years. I was SO happy that I contacted her and I was able to come to terms with how I had hurt her so long ago. I didn't apologize for my decision to back out of the wedding, but for my immature way of handling it. I can't change how I handled the situation, but we seem to have gotten past it.

I don't know where it will go from here and how close we will ever be. But, I'm open to whatever she (and her husband) are comfortable with.

So, if you ask me - I say go for it. Lol.

EDITED TO ADD: I agree with Kate's post - don't expect too much from it. I sent my email just to let her know that I still thought about her and wished her the best. I really had no intentions of anything coming of it. I was SHOCKED when she wrote back - the same day - and said her first thought was to get together. She very easily could have said, "What you did was unforgivable please leave me alone." I knew that was a possibility when I decided to write (which is part of the reason I didn't tell anyone I was doing it!).