"Is It Really Terrible 2'S or Is My 2Yr Old Just Being Mean"

It is probably mostly age. Maybe a little bit personality and a lot influence from day care. There isn’t really much you can do because any consequence has to be immediately afterward… not when he gets home. Just work on making him use his words at home both to work out problems and to ask you for things. Even if you know what he wants, make him use his words. Once he gets better with his vocabulary and expressing his emotions he will get better, but it’s hard when the other 2 year olds don’t listen to him. My 2 year old only hits when he is not supervised closely enough and his many requests to “give it back” have been ignored.

Most two-year-olds cannot comprehend the feelings of others. If they get hit and it really hurts, then they hit someone else, it does not even register that it would hurt the other person as much as they had been hurt. They are still very egocentric. This is not because they are selfish, they simply do not think of the world as adults do, with an understanding of compassion. When you do see him hit other children, you can talk to him about the feelings of the injured child. "Oh no! Mallory looks like she is hurt! She looks sad. See? She is crying. Poor Mallory! I think I will see if she wants a hug, or maybe an ice pack." You could also have him help with soothing the other child. "Here, you can give this ice pack to Mallory. Maybe it will help her to feel a little bit better" Modeling a lifestyle of kindness and compassion is the best way for children to learn to behave in a kind way. Don't worry too much about your little one. I was the lead teacher in a toddler classroom for many years, and I can assure you that this is common toddler bahavior. They simply do not have the verbal resources to work things out the way most adults do. (Please note that I said "most." Some still resort to hitting and yelling.) :) For some great tips on parenting and developmentally typical behavior, go to www.talaris.org Blessings to You and Yours! :)

It sounds like your little guy is just letting off the steam he has accumulated due to the 'stuff' at home. Even at 2, our kids are intuitive and know more than what we think. Your illness, his Dad being gone, no matter how great his Grandma and Aunt are, he's having a tough time dealing with all of it. Is it possible at all to not send him to daycare for a while so he can see, understand what's going on at home with you? or are you so ill that you need to have him in daycsre so you can get the rest you need? Dad needs to step up and be there for him as well. Your 6 yr old is probably having problems as well, but is internalizing all of it. You need to talk honestly with them, answer their questions, being careful to no overwhelm them with too much information, but enough so they can process and deal with it all. His Dad is gone, you were in the hospital, his world is crumbling and he can act out at daycare without causing you a problem. Hug him tight, reassure him and yourself. But when you've done all of this, explain that hitting is not a good thing, we don't want others to cry.

Hi there. I have a 2 yr old and a 6 yr old as well. My 6 yr old is very kind and empathetic. My 2 yr old was born running, jumping, hitting, and ready for life.

My point - it may just be some kids personalities to be ready to get the most out of life and don't want to be slowed down by anyone. I don't think it's a matter of being mean, I think this is just how they get results.

What do we do about it and what can I recommend? Maybe not a whole lot. We try a lot of positive reinforcement of good behavior and time-outs for bad behavior. I don't want to start spanking her especially since hitting her as punishment for hitting seems counter-intuitive. We try modeling the behavior we want and enjoying the many bright and wonderful sides to her. My next step is books for spirited children.

The greatest thing that I have found with my niece, my friend's son, and my own (all kids with similar temperments) is that the joy and laughter they bring is amazing. My niece is 8 now and her behavior has greatly improved. She still has talking and moving around issues in class. I don't think that will ever go away, nor should it. It will probably be energy that moves her ahead in life. We just need to learn how to teach our kids that its ok to be who you but you have to treat people right and follow the rules in classrooms, at home, on the road, and eventually at work, in society, etc.

I hope this helps, even if it's not a whole lot of advice. Our bottom line is a lot of love and acceptance matched with a lot of reinforcement of our rules for acceptable treatment of others.

A.,

I think that Jerri W has got the right of it. Many many many 2 year olds hit, kick, bite and generally act out out of frustration. Some one took their toy and they don't have the words to say "Hey! that's mine" and other such phrases. My son is 4 1/2 and started a phase like that about 16 months ago in daycare. He also had a speech delay so it was hard for anyone but me to understand him. Now he's fine.

I would talk to the daycare and see if you can get a shadow put on your son to see why he's hitting. I know at co-ops it's easy. That shadow is only responsible for your son, and follows him around everywhere, even the bathroom. One of the responsibilities of the shadow is to be your son's voice when he doesn't have the words. If a child takes a toy away from him the shadow can say it a loud voice "Hey! I was playing with that. Give it back", and other such phrases. If the shadow knows what they are doing, and paying attention, this issue of hitting at daycare should be resolved in a couple of weeks.

Having worked in a daycare, taken parenting classes from a daycare co-op provider, and having a MIL that has a degree in early childhood education I've seen how effective a shadow can be. And I've seen that hitting and acting out is also part of being 2.

Also, like some have already said the acting out could also be a part of his world falling down around his ears. Definitely give him lots of hugs and reassurances that Mom isn't going anywhere and that none of what has happened is his fault in any way. Same with your older son as well. As I type this I keep thinking of the scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams' character keeps telling Matt Damon's character that it's not his fault for his childhood, and kept repeating it. You need to keep repeating "I love you, you are special, it's not your fault" to both of your sons. Get gramma and your sister in on that too. Almost every night we tell both of our kids "You are important, you matter and if there is anything you need to talk to Mom and Dad about, we're here and we'll listen". I will occasionally hear my son telling his stuffed animals/toys that same mantra.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I don't think your son picks the hitting from other kids at daycare. Second borns always feel they had to fight for their proper place in the family. It can also be an age thing, or that he reacts to your illness in the only way he feels he can, by hitting other kids. We as adults many times think that kids don't realize what is going on around them, but they are more aware than we give them credit for. Talk to him, make him aware of the consequences of his acts, but also try to find out what else is behind his behavior. Good luck!

Give him a consquence for hitting. Time out or corner time. My three year old has been going through the same thing for awhile. It is an attention thing for him though sadly. We have had three very close in age and he is doing it as a way to get attention good or bad. So he gets a time out in the corner when he does it. He also thinks it is ok to use words that would make a sailor cry. He is picking those up from my sister who is still in high school. It is all a aprt of the terrible twos which I think is a false statement because my three year old started at about fifteen months and now is three and is still going strong. My eighteen month old still hasnt had any trouble wtih them which i find is weird. Anyways I am babbling. I would make hitting as unappealing as possible i.e. timeout corner!! Good luck and he will grow out of it eventually!!

I think what you should do is give your family a vacation
it should help.

In addition to the other responses, I'd just emphasize to make sure to always keep your cool and give him lots of love when you are "disciplining" him for hitting.

Hi A., hitting usually is a result of lack of words and social and problem solving skills. You need to give her simple words like "My turn", "Not done" and etc., so she doesn't need to use her hands to express her self. Hitting is a way to get attention too, so teach her to say "Hello" and "I want to play with you". Ask you older one to help teaching her to take turns. If she tries to hit just tell her "No, hitting hurts" or "No, hitting" and let her know if she hits she won't get her way. Remove her from the play and put her on her naughty chair or whatever you are doing when she is misbehaving. Take her to a play ground and watch her. If you see the hitting coming just step in and say: "No, hitting. Use your words!". Before you get there tell her that if she hits you will need to leave the play ground and do it if it happens. Look for situations and use them to teach her. And yes, it is a phase, but now is the time to teach her how to handle the situation without using her hands. Otherwise you will enforce the hitting. You need to talk with her teachers (they should know how to handle that) and use the same enforcements for a good and a bad behaviour. Good luck! And let me know if you need more advices.

Have you talked to the teacher, to the other adults that are there to see when he is hitting? Perhaps he hits at school because he is so frustrated with the boys at school. He hits back at them. Is he less verbal than they are? Or less able to keep up with them?

I once had a class that was very disruptive (kindergarten) and I couldn't figure it out until this one child was absent. This child didn't look like she was being disruptive, but she was. That doesn't mean your child is being disruptive, but maybe some child is egging your child on. It is worth checking out.

In the mean time, I would repeat, and show again, and and again, no hitting, no violence. It is worth it. With my son, who was a gentle soul, it was not only guidelines, but reinforcement. I worked also with guns and shooting.

John Rosemond explains very well in his book "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific" how and why two-year-olds act the way they do, and how to improve their behavior. You can get a feel for him by reading some of his recent newspaper columns on www.rosemond.com. He has helped us a ton with raising our rambunctious boys.