I picked up my daughter from preschool today and she told me the following:
"I was playing with Emma and Jana today on the playground on the slide and another girl, her name is Jenella, she wanted to play with us too, so she asked us if she could play too and Emma told her no, but I told her, 'Sure, you can play with us!' But then Emma told her she couldn't and called us crybabies so I said to Jenella, "Come on, I will play with you, these girls are too mean!'"
Then she asks me, "Did I do the right thing Mama?" I told her absolutely she did, and I was very proud of her for standing up to her friends when they were not being nice to someone else. And that it was very nice of her to want to include Jenella in their game.
So then she asks me, "So can I get a cookie when we get home for doing the right thing?"
Ummm, NO. I am very proud of you for doing the right thing but we don't do the right thing just to get cookies!
So I guess my question is this: Do you think she is telling a true story about doing the right thing, or do you think she could just be making it up to try to get a cookie? I should mention she did not whine or fuss when I said no to the cookie, nor did she keep asking over and over, begging and pleading. Just curious to see what others think and what their take on it is knowing she is 4 years old. TIA!
P.S. She did NOT get any cookie - I just told her I was happy she did the right thing and we just to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. And she is not one to make up stories. Although recently she has been blaming random things around the house on "a ghost" when it is, of course, really her. She did get an Oreo after dinner but that was because she did a nice job on dinner.
@Sarah K - we got a lot of cookies around here right now, more than usual. There's the Girl Scout Cookies, and then there are the 100th Birthday of the Oreo special edition birthday-cake-flavored Oreos I found at the store today! :)
Thanks for everyone's input - coincidentally when I was dropping her off for preschool this morning, the teacher pulled me aside just to tell me that DD is the happiest, most well-adjusted kid she has ever seen. She just tries to play well with everyone and has an amazing attitude and just doesn't engage in any of the typical "girl drama" that they are starting to see so much of. So I told her about what DD told me yesterday and she said, "If it was her, I would believe it - because that really is the kind of kid she is." Made me so happy and proud of her! And yes, it is crazy how much it is starting up at such an early age - but hopefully I am teaching her not to get caught up in it and she seems to just "get it"! :)
@Browneyedgirls - I found them in our local Kroger! :)
Either
- it happened and she did the right thing.
- it didn't happen and she imagined what the right thing would be in a very specific scenario (kudos)
- it happened to someone else and she's imagining herself in that spot
- it happened to her OR someone else, and this is what she wished she or they would have done, but didn't
All 4.5 options are VERY probable with toddlers/ young children. Cookie or no cookie.
I don't think food should ever be used as a learning or soothing tool (with the exception being cheerios in the toilet for target practice for boys), honestly.
A parents voice saying "GREAT JOB, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU" followed with a hug, kiss or high 5 should be plenty ;)
did she make it up just to get a cookie? eh possibly, but probably not. Maybe a treat after dinner wouldn't be remiss, but I agree that reinforcing doing the right thing because it's right is the better way to go.
no, i dont think the child made up the story, and no, i dont think the child made up the story just to get a cookie, and yes, you should have given her the cookie if for no other reason then the child stood up to a supposed friend who wasnt playing very nicely. sure you dont do the right thing just to get a cookie, but it doesnt exactly hurt to reward them for it either.
K. h.
Yeah, I had a 4 yo chatter box, too. She's now almost 15 and STILL going on and on about every detail of her day right down to the shoes her biomed teacher was wearing.
Very cool, she trusts you, she'll tell you the not so good stuff too.
Nice work, mom!
:)
I think you handled it perfectly. With a 4 year old's imagination it is sometimes hard to tell what exactly happened and they don't really know the difference between truth and fantasy. Praising her for thinking of others is great and I agree with you on not giving her a cookie for that reason.
4 year old's can be quite the story tellers but in this case I think she was telling the truth :) But you would know more than us. Does she tell crazy stories often? Does she stand up for other people often? And the fact that she didnt bother you further for the cookie sounds like she telling the truth.
And I'd give her a cookie for snack later on just because she sounds like a good girl.
Never underestimate a 4 year old. I usually take any story my children tell me and take the 25% that sounds like them and then the other 75% as a big fish story. My son knows that if he got in any trouble at school to tell me before the school notifies me therefor the punishment is a lot less than if he didn't come forward and let me know he got in trouble at school. If she did 100% of what she did good for her and way to go mommy. If she did at least try to tell her friends it wasnt nice then same, way to go mommy and daughter which im sure is the truth but trying to manipulate a cookie out of it sounds like a 4 year old.
ps. do you have extra cookies? Kind of sounds good now.
Children under 7 don't understand the intrinsic value of good deeds, they only understand cause and effect, and even then, only in a limited capacity. I would have given her the cookie, if for no other reason than KNOWING what the right thing to do would have been :) But then, I like cookies.
Hard to tell if the story was true or not. Sadly, kids this young do play the exclusion game. It could have been real. Or it could have been something she got from a story book or lesson at school or a kid's TV show. I would done just what you did though. And just be glad she's aware of what a huge kindess it is to stand up for kids who get left out.
Ohhhh the "ghost" lives in your house also?
I think I would have handled it the same, praise but no cookie.
It's probably in between. 4 year olds have a very vivid imagination and it is hard for them to tell apart fantasy and real life.
It is very possible that she is mixing together things that happened independently on other days with something that she was playing, a story that she has heard or something that happened to someone else. My four year old does that all the time.
I don't think she made it up for a reward (especially if she is not usually rewarded for something like this)...but the truth probably lies between the lines.
You may never know the "truth" of the story, but using food as reward (or punishment) will teach her that compassion towards others is something to do for "reward" rather than something that is simply done in life. Validating her kindness (real or imagined) without the drama of a reward is ultimately what will guide her to do the "right thing" in the future because she wants to be kind to others, not because she will earn approval or a treat.
You never know. So you either trust her and keep an ear out for other stories you can verify and give her the cookie or, what I would do is trust her until you have reason not to but I would not reward something like this with a cookie or food or really anything. Doing the right thing is rarely ever rewarded in this life so prepare her now for the real world. I don't mean to sound negative about life but it's just how it is and she can't expect rewards for doing the right thing but I would definitely tell her how happy that makes you and how proud you are that she stood up for the other girl. My opinion.
My son is 4. One day a couple of middle school boys came to our front door selling coupon books as part of a fundraiser for their basketball team. While I looked over the booklet, my son told him how he played on a basketball team last year and made all these baskets and on and on and on. Ummm.....what? I do not recall him having a basketball let alone signing him up for this supposed basketball team made up of a bunch of 3 year olds! LOL So yeah, I think 4 year olds can have quite the imagination. My son is also a very sociable, empathetic and compassionate little guy. It would not surprise me in the least if he told a story similar to your daughter's and I would have believed him and been very proud of him like you were. I probably would have given him the cookie, but I understand your reasoning as well.
HTH,
A.
you did the right thing by not giving her the cookie, regardless. telling this story may have been her way of exploring, "what if this had happened, would i get positive reactions?" or maybe it really did happen. either way (and there's no telling, all kids experiment with their imaginations at times) i think you handled it well.
my 4 year old will tell me stories like that so its probable that it could be.
I am 35 and STILL blaming things on a "ghost"! Tell her you will give her a cookie no matter what, you are just curious, did the story really happen or was it just pretend? When I ask my son if it is a real story or pretend he will tell me the truth. They are just having fun thinking about "what if" and maybe she is thinking that her good deeds could earn her a cookie!
My son looks for rewards all the time for doing the right thing and tells me what happened at school every day - I think it is probably a real event.
Wow...I picked up my 4 year old last week from preschool (usually Grandma does but Grandma is on vacation) and she told me I don't want to tell you about my day. LOL (Both my girls are not the school story telling kind...no fair!) And where do I find those Oreo's? LOL
Anyway, I think its possible she could have made it up, but its also possible it could have happened. Its crazy how young those type of things start in school. My friend had a daughter go to preschool with curly hair one day and a girl who was either jealous or just outright mean. Told her, her hair was ugly and attempted to get the curls out of it. (My friends daughter never told a teacher, only her mom when she got in the car.) My daughter in 1st grade came home telling me her best friend told her another girl did not like her nor wanted to sit by her....just because she was jealous this girl and was sitting by my daughter. Ugh....why does this have to start so early.
