Introducing the Boyfriend to My Kids

Hi K.!
I am a single mom in High Point as well (ok, seperated for 4 years, just haven't paid for the "legal divorce"...lol). I have 4 kids, 2 of which are already out on their own. When I started dating 3 years ago, I was concerned about this as well.
The biggest thing I did was try to take the lead from my kids themselves. Talking about him with them is a great idea...that way they will feel like they already know him when they do finally meet.
What I did was on the first time I introduced my kids to him, we planned a nice dinner at home, let my kids pick a movie, or a game that we all played together. This made them feel like he was really "cool". On the next meeting, he took us all out todinner, and let the kids pick what they wanted to do afterwards (bowling, movie, putt putt, etc.). By this time, they were more "in love" with him than I was!! Just kidding, but it did help in lightening up the mood, and kept everyone from sitting around looking at each other feeling nervous.
I have now been with the same man for almost 3 years, and couldn't be happier, not to mention my kids!
I noticed that you say you are a special education teacher...what school do you teach at? My boyfriend is actually a middle school teacher as well!
I look forward to hearing back from you, and getting to know you a little better!
S.

I also agree with Meg.
Children go through breakups as well as their parents do. I was devestated when my guy and I broke up. We lived as a family for 5 years. It was worse than a divorce!

I really miss my "step" daughters. They miss me, too. But it's awkward for her and I to meet.

My advice would be to make SURE you want THEM attached to him before you start getting him involved with their lives. It's tough when THEY take the break-up harder than YOU do.

Good Luck, whatever you decide!

Hi K.. In a way, I agree with Meg. I think you should try not to let them get too emotionally involved until you are relatively serious. However, I think a large part of your decision on whether or not to get serious with this man should be based on how he relates with and gets along with your daughters. And that's hard to know if he never comes over for dinner or anything. Also, at 10 and 15 years old, they are old enough to understand some of what is going on. I think you should sit down with them and explain that you are dating this man, tell them about him, and tell them that you would like to give them the opportunity to meet him and give you their opinions of him (which is very important, by the way!), but that you want to do it when they are ready. If they are ready now, they will tell you. If not, they will come to you one day and say "hey, I'd like to meet him now." I think you have to find a balance between keeping them close enough to this to be in the loop and feeling like they are part of your life and your decision-making process (and scoping out his reaction to them), and keeping them far enough away from it to spare them as much hurt and disappointment as possible if things don't work out.

You should wait and let things progress....maybe you want to introduce your new boyfriend to your kids because you are seeking their approval that it's okay for mom to be in a relationship again...that it's okay for mommy to love someone else...you have to remember that you are and were a person befoer your children and when the children fly the coop you will still have yourself and you need to be comfortable with that...it's okay to fall in love again...it's okay to let someone else and in and think of yourself every once in awhile...trust me...you will know the right time to really introduce your boyfriend to your children...and your boyfriend will know too :) best of luck!!!

That is a tough one, but I would wait a few months. My son wasn't around my boyfriend until we had dated for almost 6 months and even then it was in group type setting with lots of kids and adults (cookouts, etc) He has a son too, so it helped that we both wanted to take things slow. My son is 10 so I wanted him to feel comfortable. I knew it was time when he started "feeling" like there was part of mommy's life that he wasn't a part of...at that point, I knew it was time and we were all ready. Hope this helps!
A.

Hello. My sister has men in and out of she and her children's lives for as long as I can remember. I can tell that is what you are looking out for and do not want to do. I would say that when you and the gentleman you are dating have had a few discussions about the rest of your lives, where you want to be, what you want to do, after you have asked him as many questions as you need to to be sure that he is a stable person and a seriously possible candidate for a husband would be when I would consider letting him be around my most prized posessions. Oh and look him up on Americas Most Wanted and other sites. I know...wierd. Imagine how many women wish they had. Good luck.

My husband and I split for about 3 years so I have a little experience in the dating mom thing....I would say if he is asking regularly about your children. If he is showing genuine interest in your children and your activities as a family. And also ofcourse if your children are ready. I would suggest a talk about him, tell them things about him, and so on.

Alisha

K.,
Such good advice and yet, you still have to make your own decision!! One thing I did see in a reply below is that Sommer said look him up on America's Most Wanted and I have to agree with this whole-heartedly!
I am a very "over-protective" mom (if you ask my kids). LOL!
I was dating this guy for about a month and a half, had met and fell in love with his family, we were together whenever my kids were with their dad, so he wanted to meet my kids.
To make a VERY long story short, he is now in Central Prison on charges of "exhibitionism" and "taking indecent liberties with a minor". Those minors being MY daughter and her friend (who were, at the time, 9 & 10 yrs. old).
Not to scare you, but HECK YEAH!!! to SCARE the H--- out of you!!! and anyone who reads this.
My kids aren't worth ANY man!!! I will know everything humanly possible about anyone who gets close to my kids again.

One more important thing that I have learned in 11 yrs. of being a single mother. When you are dating someone and really into them and everything seems to be going great, you will NOT (I don't care who you are), see the "bad",or any faults, in your new friend. Talk to other people who love you and your kids (parents, siblings, close cousins or friends). Double date with other couples and get their impression of the person you're dating. After all was said and done, I talked to my parents and they said they always had a "weird in the stomach" feeling about "him". They never said anything because I never asked and they were trying not to make me upset or mad by "butting in".
I am not a man basher and I have some great male friends and I would LOVE to be married again!! However, it will never again be at the expense of my children.
Best wishes and be careful!!
L.

At least several months. I tend to be very secretive about any man I'm dating till i know we have a future. There are guys i was wish my daughter doesn't know exist. There's no discussion so if it doesn't work out he's not even a blip on the radar.

I think the safe thing to do is your kids know your dating but they don't need to know anything about this particular guy till you are sure you want to introduce him to the kids. Then you have the talk and later the meet.

Hi Kim:

Congrats for putting yourself thru College! That is wonderful.

It's way to soon to introduce your children to him. Wait until you know how you and he feel about the each other first. 3wks you are still in the honeymoon period.

Just a warning you girls might not be happy about it.

If I were the one in this situation, I would wait until I was ready to marry the man before involving my kids. Sure, talk to them about him, let him know you like him and that you have fun together, etc. Introduce them so that they at least know what the guy looks like, but don't have him hanging around the house on weekends or over for dinner with the family. Definitely keep the kids in the loop so that if things start getting serious, they won't be blindsided. But unless you're sure about this guy, it's not worth it to drag your kids through your romantic ups and downs. It's not fair to them to have to get to know different guys, maybe get to really like them, and then have you two break up. After you are sure about the guy, give it 6 months where you let the kids get to know him, and then move forward.

As a mom, your kids come first. Yes, it sucks, and you are certainly entitled to a personal, romantic, and sex life. But you have to keep in mind how your kids could be hurt by your relationships as much as you could be hurt by them.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh... I'm speaking as a child of a single mom, so I've got a little experience in this area from the child's point of view.

I know this is a very old post, but I didn't introduce my boyfriend to my daughters until we had been dating a couple of months. They had had enough instability in their lives when their dad & I split up, plus I wanted to make sure things worked out before they got attatched to him. Now, 2 1/2 years later, we're still happily dating & am talking about marriage.