Insensitive or Expecting Too Much??

He is teaching his children how to treat you. There is a balance between honoring his mother, feeling the pain, and then channeling his energy into life. This is coming from a berevement counselor. Time to live.

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A good way to celebrate and honor his mother is by teaching his children how to celebrate and honor their mother.

Ummm...no. I'm with you on this O.. He can definitely reflect on his mom & even visit her grave but I feel that a card left on the table for you and a 4+ hour drive to see mom's grave is a weeeeeeee bit insensitive.

I am with you also. I know you feel awful about this, I probably would too, but it's time to be in the now as opposed to living in the past. Maybe he can go to the grave the Sat before and leave Sunday to your family?

I don't think you're insensitive. He can and should find a balance between remembering his mother and honoring her memory and recognizing the woman who mothered and is currently raising his children.

You are not being insensitive, especially after 11 years and 2 kids. Your husband might need help with his grief, though, if he is still making this long trip to his mother's grave every year for 11 years while he neglects the living. I think you need to talk to him about going to the grave on Saturday or early, early Sunday (is that 2 hrs round trip or 2 hrs one way?) and then having a family celebration when he returns. As your kids grow up, it's important for them to celebrate Mother's Day too, so tell him you both need to focus on creating Mother's Day holiday memories with your own family. I'm sure that is what his mom would want, too.

I'm with you on this one. Hopefully you can talk to him about it in such a way that doesn't come across as insensitive and how this is starting to make you feel. You've been putting yourself on the back burner for way too long.

My husband says that I'm not his mamma. He refuses to do anything for me on Mothers Day.

I understand he misses his Mom but you are the mother of his children. He could do both, take you and the kids out for breakfast, then as a family go put flowers on his Mom's grave, then on the way home stop and do something fun with the kids.

You could also plant a tree in his Mom's honor or her favorite flowers in your yard and stop the cemetery visits.

I personally don't believe in visiting the cemetery and taking flowers. I told my kids I want to be buried in an unmarked grave. If you want to visit me and bring me flowers please do it while I am alive.

not insensitive. not bratty. he should at the very least insist that his kids be celebrating you! He, at least, gets that a son honors his mother on mothers day - so why would that not apply to you? I dont think you have to be sensitive about his mothers death - that was 11 years ago!!!! He is living inthe past and neglecting his present and future. Why don't YOU start making Mothers Day a big deal for yourself and let him understand that it means a lot ot you. Talk about how you are looking forward to it and how lucky you fel to be the mother of his children and that you really hope his kids will have the same love and respect for you that he has for his mom. He should take the hint that you are every bit as important as any other mother, dead or alive!

I think a really nice way for your husband to honor his mother is by treating the mother of his children well. Wouldn't that make his mom proud to know she raised a great man.
I know people grieve differently but his grief seems a little extreme. Perhaps he needs professional help.
Happy Mother's Day!!

Many men take Mother's Day quite literally. Wives are not their mothers.
However, if the men have children, I think that they need to teach their children reverance for their mothers by helping them get a card or gift or bake a cake. Something special to show their love for their moms.
My first grandbaby was born yesterday. I went and got his first photos developed to give to my daughter, my mom, and my sister in their Mother's Day Cards. I was surprised to hear a woman in a store saying to her little kid, he was about 4, "I told you that you could buy me something, but why would you pick something you know I don't want or won't like?"
I didn't see what he had in his hand. It could have been a box of Fiddle Faddle for all I know. He was just a little kid. How could he know what glorious thing to pick for his mom? I kind of felt bad for him.
My kids always bought or made me cards. When they were younger, they made things at school. I treasured them and still have them.
I think you should tell your husband that you know how much he loved his mother and how much he misses her. But, you also feel you need him to remember that you have kids and it would be nice if he would guide them in putting thought into things for their own mother. It doesn't have to be anything big or fancy, but at least pick out a card and maybe get you some new slippers or some pretty flowers. Make you breakfast in bed.
For me, it was always the little gestures like that that meant the most.
But little kids do need some help with planning and logistics.
I think you should just talk to him. You could be mean and never get him anything for Father's Day since he's not your father, but again, what does that show the kids?
They need help from their parents when they're young with these things and when they get older, they can plan and do a little more for themselves about it.

You have time to talk with him before Sunday.

Best wishes.

No, you do not sound like a bratty teenager... Your feelings need to be validated, I think you should tell him how you feel. Do you make father's day special for him? I'm assuming you do, and I think you should start off your talk about how important you and the children make Father's day special to him and you do understand his love for his mother, but you are a mother too... Don't start an argument over it... if he gets defensive, just leave the room and let him ponder his thoughts...

Happy Mother's Day M.!!!

Here's the problem, you are not his mother. Yes I know you are the mother of his children but it is them, the children, who should be celebrating your motherhood.

Maybe I am odd but I enjoy whatever my kids dream up on that day. I never expected anything from my ex and I don't expect that Troy will do anything either. They are just not my kids.

No you aren't. You are a mother too and you need to be recognized. My mama passed away 9 yrs ago and I love her with my soul but im here. My sisters will go put flowers on her grave and a card but it isn't far from us. Our baby was born in 07 and my husband went to kroger got me a flower and then high tailed it to his moms and left me with the 2 month old. I was so pissed. Exscuse me! You should come first. Your his wife and I can say that. I've lost my mom as well.

Your husband ought to be a good example to your children in how to honor you on Mother's Day by taking the lead and helping them celebrate you. However, that's not going to happen because he can't read your mind. :-) You have to tell him how important this is to you without attacking his feelings of loss for his mother.

I think that you should go ahead and plan out the day and include him in your plans, and then inform him of the plans for the day. If you're church goers, add his mother's name to the church's list of intentions (souls to pray for during the mass) so that he can still honor his mother. Tell him about this. If you're not religious, tell him that you're getting a tree or a perennial to plant in your garden in honor of his mother and every year you plan to add to it. You could even find a waterproof picture frame for outside memorials and put it near "her" first tree so that your husband always has a place to visit "her."

Totally justified for your feelings!! One question. Do you make a big deal out of Fathers Day for him? I'm just asking because if you are then he should be teaching his children to do something special for their mom. I know many men feel like your not their mother, but until children can do things in school or on their own, I do feel it is his responsibility to make sure that you are recognized and treated special on that special day by his children. I think I would let him know how you are feeling, maybe he really doesn't realize what he is doing because he is so wrapped up in his own grief. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!!

I think it is fair to ask for something more in regards to your recognition, but he still feels the loss and pain and no offense but that is HIS mother and many dads think it is up to the kids to celebrate for their moms. So, your son is 4.5 and can not do much on his own yet so you need to express to your hubby that you would like him to help more with teaching your little one what the holiday is about. Tell your husband that he is so great in how he honors his mother every year that he (hubby) is the BEST teacher for your son on what to do to show mommy how much he (son) loves you. Basically stroke his ego to get more out of it.

Well, my dad died of cancer as well and I felt similar to your husband when I had my children. However, I still have a lot of joy in celebrating my husband, the father of my children on Father's Day. Have you ever talked to him about this? It seems like you probably should. He should be teaching his children about treating their mom special on Mother's Day, but he is focusing on his grief instead and that is causing the living to miss out on any celebrations.

No.. you don't sound like a bratty teenager. You can say something like, "You know, I understand how sad mother's day can make you feel, but I am a mother now. While I am not your mother, I am mom to our kids and maybe we can make mother's day a happy time for them, like you had with your mother. We need to make happy memories so they will have a good feeling about mother's day the way you did when your mom was around for you."

No ma'am you are not sounding like a bratty teenager. Your husband is not living in his present or his future on this. I understand taking a little time to remember his mom, but the rest of the day should be about your family and the woman (you) who is keeping it afloat. Since mother's day is tomorrow, if you brought it up to him now he's probably too sensitive to act rationally. So, my plan would be to stick out another day and bring it up to him in a few weeks. Be understanding and calm, but show him how it hurts you to be overlooked when you are actually physically HERE, beingthe most imPortant mother in his life by mothering his children. Even if his mom were alive, he shouldn't overlook you to recognize her. It's the natural order of thing to move forward.
Maybe a possible suggestion for him to take his long trip to recognize his mom a day before or after. It's been 11 years. I am not suggesting he forget his mom, as a mother to 2 sons I would never do that. But henhas not worked through his grief in all these years.

I can understand why you would feel that way. Have you mentioned it to him that you would like to be acknowledged? I think that you guys could probably come to some sort of compromise. Could he take his drive on Saturday before Mother's Day and then spend Mother's Day honoring you? I don't think that you sound bratty.....

Just out of curiousity, what do you do for YOUR Mom on Mother's Day??

The average amount of time for an adult child to move past a parents death is 3 years... so I would see him as a little extreme.

Trust your instincts. Your husband still has strong emotions about losing his mother...he celebrates her life each mother's day by sitting at her grave. It's his mother. He loves her dearly and misses her. Maybe if you made him a special photo album or scrapbook to take with he would be able to see you, to really take notice and appreciate you in spite of his overwhelming grief. Fill it with pictures of him and his mom and pictures of your family so that he can share it with her. He would probably be pretty moved by your kindness and while he is there with all those photo's I'd bet he'll realize how much the holiday means to you also.
Maybe he could take you and your children out to dinner the night before so you could all celebrate as a family. Then on Sunday you and your children can spend the day together and make it a special celebration just for you...you will have those wonderful memories forever :) It sure would be nice to get a little something like flowers or a small gift next to that card on the table...and in time I am sure you will!!! Happy Mother's Day!
also, a thought that may help you understand or accept your husbands grief at the Mother's Day...what if your children were ever to be in the same situation as your husband?

I think he should focus on the living mother of his children on mothers day. My husband also lost his mother to cancer, but when moms day rolls around it is all about me, he mourns for her in his own time in his own way.

You have lots of great answers here. I just want to say a couple of things: 1. You are not being bratty in the least. 2. The suggestions re: a grief counselor for you husband should really be considered. My husband lost his mom to cancer right when we met years ago, and it has never, ever been an issue for him. They were extremely close and the kids absolutely adored her. He so wishes she could be here to be part of our child's life. I know everyone is different, but the fact that your husband is so overcome with sadness 11 years out does not sound quite right. And it must be really hard for him, too. The sadness that his mom won't know his kids, and vice versa, will always be there, but shouldn't be so incapacitating for any of you. I hope you all can work this out for all your sakes. In the meantime -- Happy Mother's Day to you!

Sounds like he needs grief counseling as it is okay to remember and a a little sad it is not okay to take frombthe living of life this far out from a death. You also need to make sure your communication skills are strong enough to be able to talk about how you feel. Set a quiet time to talk today and without being critical use I phrases only and state what you feel and and your concerns. While it is mother's day tomorrow he is not your mother but should help your child make a card and present maybe some burnt eggs and cereal with jelly on it that was my all time favorite one or perhaps the cake that wasn't quite done.

You are not your husband's mother. You are his wife. He absolutely is in the right wanting to go 'see' his mother on mother's day.

What your husband should do is take your 4.5 out shopping so that your SON can get something for his MOTHER.

I agree with you, I think that it's time for you to be in the spotlight on Mother's Day. Maybe you could suggest going out to the cemetery a couple days early, or the weekend before Mother's Day? Your husband should be celebrating you, and you've been understanding for a long time. Is this a very depressing time for him, or is it more of a ritual? If it's more of a ritual, I would try to talk to him about it. If anything, Happy Mother's Day!! :)

Talk to him and tell him how you feel!

Is he like this all the time, or is it just for Mother's Day? I can understand how both of you feel, honestly. He has no mother to celebrate. A wife & mother of his children are special, but not his mom. No one can replace a mother. Sounds like it's time to have a sit down to address your needs to him, since it sounds like you are on different pages. I think he can fulfill his need to visit him mom's grave & still give you a nice Mother's Day.

many men feel that they shouldnt do anything, because you arent his mother. I get a card, maybe taken out to dinner, although the best thing for me is that he takes his mom out for breakfast and I get to sleep in.

Honestly, if you want him to do something for you, you're going to have to tell him. Perhaps he could visit his mom's grave on Saturday and do something with you on Mother's Day? Maybe you could all go?

You need to sit down and talk to him about this issue. It's been 11 years, and he doesn't give equal time to the Mother who's living with him. He needs to know that celebrating your role as Mother to your children will not take away the love and devotion he feels for his own Mother who's been dead this last decade.

You absolutely deseve to have your husband honor you, the mother of his children, on Mother's Day. I am very greatful that my parents honored eachother on Mother's Day and Father's Day. They showed us that we need to appreciate our parents, and they showed us that they had great admiration for the role eachother played in our lives.

I think your husband's behavior shows that he is not finished grieving his mother. While everyone grieves differently, this does not sound healthy. Rather than talk to him about how you feel on Mother's Day, you might want to talk to him about his grief and about him being able to move forward.

Do you belive in God or belong to a church? I ask, because if you and he does, it might be helpful to talk to your pastor. It might also be helpful to talk to him about where his mom is now, about how she's in heaven and smiling down on him, about her legacy in your children, etc.

Yes, he needs to honor you more on Mother's Day, but he also needs to try to move past the pain of his mother's death and embrase all that he has in his life now.

My husband's theory is that I am not his Mom. He should celebrate you on your birthday and celebrate your marriage on your anniversary and celebrate your love on Valentines Day, but no I dont think he has to make a big deal out of Mother's Day. Plan to do something that makes you happy on Mother's Day. if you cant spend it with your mom is there someone else you could spend it with? an aunt or a single Mom who feels lonely? You could plan something fun for you and your kids, a movie, a picnic. Or hire a teenager and treat your self to a shopping spree ALONE! (always cheers me up!) My husband is a sweetie who loves me very much but I've been much happier since I decided to treat my self every Christmas and birthday and not depend on him to make me feel happy. Today he left to go visit his mom for the weekend and I am planning to celebrate with my parents and my kids.

I see you have a lot of replies, but I will add one more. Of course you deserve a day to be honored. But don't get hung up on it being actual Mothers Day. Ever since my first was born in 2006, I have taken the Saturday of Mothers Day weekend for myself, mainly so I don't have to share the day with my mother or my MIL. Even if your MIL was alive, you'd still be sharing the "spotlight" with her tomorrow. The fact that she has passed and that your husband still grieves her only adds to this. I say don't fight it, accept it and instead take another day where you can be recognized. Today, I get to choose whatever it is I want to do while my hubby takes the kids. Some years, I go shopping. Other years to the spa. Some years my family makes me breakfast in bed. But no matter what, it is regarded as Mothers Day for me and me alone. And tomorrow when I am with my Mom at brunch, I will make it all about her. Everyone is happy. : )

I don't think you are being bratty at all. Talk to him. Explain that you understand his grief over his mother but that he needs to get your kids involved in mother's day for you. Its time for him to man up. Sorry to sound mean but there it is.

I understand what you're saying and feeling. My thoughts on Mother's Day and husbands is that it's dad's job to teach the kids to celebrate mom (Mother's Day provides that opportunity). It isn't necessarily his job to buy her elaborate gifts etc. but to steer the kids towards something that is a genuine expression of thanks for her job as mom. Of course, this is just my opinion.

Open up the communication with your husband by being honest without attacking. If you don't feel you're being recognized on a day set aside for moms to be recognized (and you want to be), you need to let him know that in a non-hurtful and extremely sensitive way (since he does honor his own mom that day). Open communication is the only way these things are ever effectively addressed.

Is there a reason why you don't go with him to the cemetary? Many a family has made an outing to the cemetary then gone to a special restaurant or place elsewhere. It can be a celebration with his mom. And no you are not bratty, but you do have your own son and fast forward in a couple of years and you will probably be healthy and have the bond with him your husband still yearns for. I think you can explain what you need and acknowledge what hubby needs and bring it all together. We are fragile-us humans...aren't we?

Maybe he could visit his mother's grave on Saturday before Mother's Day and bring the whole family to plant floweres on her grave, and use Mother's Day to celebrate the living mother, which is you.

I agree with you on this. However, I'm on the other side. I lost my mom to a brain aneurysm in 2009 so mother's day is bitter sweet for me. I try to not let it effect the day for my kids though so they would have a great day. It does bother me some when my husband depends on me to get mothers day cards for his stepmom and his mom. I've expressed to him that he needs to be the one to pick them out for them. They are his moms but whatever. Men! I unlike, your husband don't have the privilege to visit her grave since it's another city too far for me to travel to. But he does need to make more of an effort to express his gratitude to you for being his children's mom and for all that you do. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my mom and mother's day just highlights it more. While he needs to reflect on his mom during this time he needs to focus more energy on you. Good luck!