In Which Way Do You LOVE Your Husband?

This is complicated. But never forget that a good chunk of love is a decision. He is ready to try to make this marriage more and now you can choose. It is NOT just all about some mysterious spark that is or is not there. Love can be created. For centuries couples have entered into arranged marriages that began with no love and love grew there out of shared experiences, caring and respect. Do not underestimate the value of these things and the ability to find "love" in reshaping your own internal dialogue about your relationship.

Get help.

I'm not qualified to give you advice in the sense of 'this is what you should do'....I think many sessions with a marriage councellor is what you need there. However, you asked to hear about others' relationships...so here goes:

I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for 8 and have 3 amazing little girls. I love him in ALL ways. He is my best friend, my cozy blanket, my sounding board and soft place to land. He is my lover and I still get butterflies when we kiss. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else in the world and we have fun doing the most mundane things: folding laundry or making dinner together. It's not perfect, but it's perfect for *us*.

You're already married to the guy, right? So what would be the harm in try to light that flame? It might be kinda fun; like starting to date him for the first time :o) I would suggest that the reason you two don't feel connected or like you "see each other" is because there's no shared experiences. You can't see him on the island with you because there's no context on which to base that kind of thinking.

You're still young....there's plenty of time for a romantic, pull-the-rug-out-from-under-you fling - so why not give it a try with your husband?

I need to be honest with you.

Choose to love the one your with.
See nothing but the good in him.
Go out of your way to smile at him.
Make eye contact with him.
Touch him on his hand when you are near him.
Turn on the radio and dance with him.

Kiss him, like you want to be kissed.
Give him three hugs a day.

*** VERY IMPORTANT *** ~ SAY "I LOVE YOU."

Tell him how thankful you are for him.

You might say " Why is it that I have to do all of this and not him?"

You don't.

If you want things to change between
the two of you, then CHOOSE TO LOVE THE ONE YOUR WITH.

It can be great if you just try.

Yes there is passion. Not every single day since chores, stress, real life gets in the way but underneath it all, there's love, attraction and passion. As in any marriage there's highs and lows but really, he is my best friend and a trip to an exotic island would always include him.

To be honest, I think that you should give marriage counseling a try. It's hard to imagine that you've never felt passion for your husband as you married him. It might seem like you can't try b/c it's so dry now but marriage is about more than passion. And with a child in the relationship I would try everything humanly possible to rekindle that spark. If he's willing to "flip a switch and try", you owe it to him and your child to also try as well. You might be pleasantly surprised with what you find. Good luck..

I will tell you that one person cannot make passion. Both of you have to be in it. If you are expecting him to flip a switch you will be disappointed.

Um, Nikki I said the same thing as you just did. She needs to be a part of the equation. *He* cannot flip a switch, she needs to be a part of it.

This is so sad to me :( It sounds like you dont feel like you have ever connected. Maybe you two DO need to get away to an exotic island alone to find some romance.

I always have the desire to kiss my husband and him likewise.
When I see him playing with our child each night, It stirs up warm deep feelings in my heart because he is a good father.

When I see him helping with the housework, doing dishes or vacuuming, I want to kiss him. And I do.

When he covers me up with blankets and wakes me each morning to say goodbye and that he loves me before he goes to work, it stirs my heart.

My husband is my everything. My best friend who I can tell anything and everything to, my rock who tries his best to make everything better, my sweet love, and my son's father who always makes time to play after he comes home from work each night no matter how hard and exhausting his day was.

I love him and want to kiss and hug him every day, multiple times because he is my other half and one that I am happy and so lucky to have in my life.

He is my world.

I think you need to take some time to figure out just why you married him. And what you DO love about him instead of what you dont.
He obviously loves you or he wouldn't still be around doing what he does for you and your child together. Sounds like he WANTS to be there, because if he didn't he wouldn't.

I agree with LivTokyo that this is a very personal decision. I think that we all have to weigh our priorities differently based on what is most important to us - none of us can 'have it all'. I also think we all have a different fate when it comes to our relationships, no two are the same. In some ways you are very lucky and many women would envy your situation having a good husband and father to your child. However, you'd also find many women who would believe that without that passion, the relationship is doomed and it isn't fair to anyone.

The passion tapering off is a different scenario than it never being there in the first place. I empathize deeply with you because I can relate to your dilemma, but I've only been with my husband for 4 years. Things happened very quickly for us because I got pregnant after 3 months of meeting him. We were totally in love, but had to weather all kinds of stressful and very rocky times, the kinds of things that one deals with when you tie yourself to someone that you don't know yet very well. And there are many other issues too, but at the end of the day, we love each other very much and always have.

The problem is that since we had our son 3 years ago, our sex life has really suffered. Sometimes I think it is me that is the problem - hormones and all. Sometimes I think it is because I'm so in love with my son that it makes it hard to have that same passion for him too. Sometimes I think it is because of all the fighting and conflicts we had during the first few years, that has really affected my desire. At certain points my heart just closed him off, out of self-protection. Sometimes I think it is because of all the stress and responsibilities I had to take on, much like you said about your own situation, I always feel like I'm responsible for everything and that at times he is like another child I need to care for.

But then, there are other times when I look back at my life before him, the relationships I had before him, and make some very telling observations. I've had more passion in other relationships, and I never had sexual issues before. In fact, if anyone, I'd be the one complaining that it wasn't enough for me! How ironic. But! Many of those relationships were dysfunctional and the men were not was I was looking for in a partner, certainly not men I wanted to have a baby with. When I met my husband, I knew right away that he would be my husband, and I wanted to have a child with him. I was no spring chicken either, so my eagerness definitely contributed to how we "accidentally" got pregnant so fast.

I think we've done the best we could in the situation we had to deal with. We both experience such great joy in our son that there have never been any regrets on either side. I find him physically very attractive and always have, but after the baby I was in a lot of pain for months and had a hard time getting back into it. Meanwhile, he was like a salivating dog wanting to pounce me at any chance he had. This started an unhealthy dynamic that we've never really broken out of. I just needed a break, a little time to heal and to pay full attention to my baby (not to mention I was really overwhelmed by all the new responsibilities of parenting, exhausted, we were broke, arguing, etc.) and he would never give me that space, or let it be okay. Instead it was a constant guilt trip, or chasing me, begging, feeling so rejected and laying it on me. It was very hard. But I think some part of me lost respect for him then.

Now he's better about it, but our sex life is still okay at best. And I'm sure he'd say it is lousy. Sometimes I feel really sorry for him and like he deserves a woman who can satisfy him more. Sometimes I also think I'd be better suited with someone else. But I am also not willing to let go of the love, the care, and the security we have a family... not now anyway. As for stability, we have never had much but after the new year we had a huge blow out and I was ready to leave him, and since the we are working things out little by little. It's the first time I feel hopeful in a long time. I don't know, if that "spark" doesn't ever return, I doubt that we will make it in the long run. For now though, the time we share with our son as a family is so important to me. If there is anyway we can make it work I would like to. If I was 28 and not 38, I'd probably have moved on by now. Whenever I think of us splitting I feel profoundly sad. I pray that one day if our life circumstances change and the things we are working so hard on and sacrificing now will pay off and allow for more time together (we have none), more fun, more bed room time when we are not both totally wiped out. Much of the time I have this sense that we really are meant to be together, problems and all. Other times I worry that if we don't regain the level of passion, eventually one of us will stray away.

I think that you can compare your own story to others but in the end, it is a path you need to navigate on your own. Best of luck to you and your family!
EDITED: Check out "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert if you're interested in learning about different concepts and expectations of marriage, worldwide.

I'm sorry about the situation you're in and I hope for the sake of your child, you can fix your marriage. What you have is not what should be. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. We got married when I was 21 and he 24. We have a 4 yo, 5 yo and 10 month old. We have had rocky patches, esp after the birth of our 2nd daughter, with the 2 babies so close in age and us being very very exhausted, we were cranky and fought alot. But we get along great. We have a great sex life, I always want to kiss him. He is my best friend, and my stable rock. He is who I go to for things. He's the main breadwinner, I work part time from home. He also does alot of household cleaning and chores (as do I). He's away for work until tomorrow, and he calls us every day, missing us as much as we miss him. I am also independent and don't feel I can't get along without him. Life is just better with him, and when I have something funny happen, it's him I want to share it with, etc.

I would really try and work on bringing passion into the marriage. It can be created, it feeds on itself. Maybe you need a long weekend away. Give it your all...good luck.

I think this is beyond advice you can get here. I think you should seek counseling.

I will say, you are lucky a man stayed by your side...and has been a good man, husband, father...without any affection or kissing for 20 years. It will take both of you, to get this turned around. He OBVIOUSLY loves you and wants to give this a go. You have to decide to do that, also. It can't work if only one of you wants it.

I don't know what you'd define as passion. There's no way our life resembles the cover of a romance novel. But, I find it incredibly sexy when I see my husband being a good daddy doing things for our son and snuggling up with him at night. I am so grateful for how hard he works for us. I am so blessed by his commitment to our family and his dedication and loyalty.

All of this stuff makes the bond we have deeper. Are we hot and heavy when he walks in the door? No. Our son runs to him, gives him hugs and kisses and he comes into the kitchen to give me a smooch before he changes out of his dress clothes and into his sweats and takes the dog out before we sit down to dinner. Sexy, huh?

I completely agree with the love the one you're with comment below. But there is a big problem I see in your post. You don't feel like there's equality in the relationship, you don't really admire him though you may respect him, and you've written him out of the "passion" role. Frankly, I completely understand.

My husband and I have gone through some patches like that in our seven year marriage. About 2-3 years ago my husband was in a bad spot emotionally and mentally. Long story short he had taken a job that didn't pay our bills and I had just had a baby and he was miserable, he couldn't handle an ounce of "discomfort" let alone stress...and one night, I had a horrible migraine and asked him if he could take the teething, crying baby for me while I took a shower to deal. He told me to just nurse the baby to get him to stop crying and I couldn't "stick him with the kid".

I ended up taking a turn for the worse, probably because of the crying (mine and the baby's) and I just walked out of the house, got into the car and drove to the ER half-blind. If I had been in my right mind I would have called an ambulance because it truly was that bad. They kept me overnight and doped me up. It was the first break I'd had in a long time. I immediately made plans to go back home to stay with family for a vacation. When I was on vacation I got even worse and was hospitalized again necessitating my husband to fly out and get myself and my son.

He soon realized that my stress was overwhelming and causing my health to deteriorate. He started helping more, things got better, but it took a long time for him to gain my trust and respect back. I thought it'd never happen, I was so unimpressed by him in my months of need leading up to that I didn't think I could ever look at him the same. Ever. I felt completely un-in-love. I didn't find him attractive, I didn't have any interest in him personally. But I did remember that he was still there. He was still present, still my husband, still my son's father. He didn't abandon us like many men would do and for awhile, that was what I clung to.

Soon, he started to change and work harder. He worked harder on our marriage, on himself and in his relationship with his son. Now, our marriage is stronger than ever, he's an amazing husband and father, I've found my best friend again and we're having baby #2. He has been there for me 100%, never missing a doctors appointment, bringing work home when I'm or feeling well or having a bad day. He always thanks me for not giving up on him. If only I could fully express how grateful I am for him never giving up on us.

I do not think anyone here is really qualified to answer this question - you should probably consider seeing a marriage counselor. It sounds like you have several different issues to work out here. The lack of passion or sexual attraction is different from the lack of respect or the feeling that you cannot look to him for answers. If you decide to stay, are you going to resent him? Do you realize that, if you leave, there is no guarantee that you will find that spark with someone else? Would you be happy being alone? These issues, and more that I am sure I cannot think of would be addressed by a good therapist. Even if your husband can't or won't go with you, you should go, so that you can help find your own priorities. I wish you luck!

You said he was ready to flip and switch and try; you didn't say you were ready or even willing to try.

You said you have never relied on him; I don't think that's true. It sounds like you rely on him for emotional support.

You say there's no security because you know more than him. It sounds like he provides emotional security.

It appears to me that you are looking for physical/tangible things when what it sounds like he provides you is emotional (untangible) support. That's worth it's weight in gold.

I think you should try to change your mind set and try to realize that the things he does provide for you are extremely valuable.

Then, watch how he interacts with your child. Just watching my hubby be a great grandfather to our granddaughter helps keep the phyical attraction going.

Maybe try changing your thinking and the physical attraction will come naturally.

Good luck! And remember, just because you're not monetarily wealthy, doesn't mean you're not rich!

i totally understand what you are saying and i get sad when i hear all the " i married my best friend" thing. so number one I get you,
number 2 I'm one that believes that unless there is physical or emotional violence I 'm not willing to break up my children's home, You would still be dealing with this man and think of what it would do to your child. If your problem is severe enough that it impacts your child then that might be something to consider, but sometimes being a grown up and a mom is putting yourself aside a bit for your child. That's just how i personally feel about it, you'll need to weight that for yourself.

how is the rest of your life?? do you think you might be suffering from a bit of depression or early menopause?? How do you usually be creative and passionate?? Would a new hobby recenter you and help you to find things you like about DH.

Are you implying someone else is filling these needs? cuz that can be a big mess.

but yeah, I keep trying to think of something we could do if we had a weekend away together and nothing i want to do seems fun for him and i really woudlnt' enjoy what he wanted to do, so we would both suffer and disappoint each other.

just wondering, what brough on the flpped switch for him??? do you question his motives?

sorry that wasn't more helpful just somethign to think about.

We live in the same town and if I didn't know better, I would think you were married to my ex...and his name WAS Eddie! Lol! Anyway, this is so sad, but I understand. I divorced my ex because I felt like he was not willing to make changes and I couldn't go on living like I was and being unhappy. Are you a SAHM? If so, read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I don't agree with it 100%, but it gives some really good insight on men and how they think. Its so sad you have been married so long and have been unhappy. I'm a big believer in not wasting any time being unhappy and doing whatever needed to do that. have you talked to him to see if you guys can get it together? The sad thing is it sounds like you have never really "liked" him. And if that's the case, its hard to get something back you never really had to begin with. I did not take my divorce lightly, nor would I suggest it lightly to anyone else. But life is too short to spend it unhappy. You are 48 and aren't getting any younger. I hope you can find something to make you happy again in your marriage. But if not, I hope you can figure out how to do what you need to to be happy. Good luck.