Regarding Boundaries:
I am a Christian counselor and I have to remark about the suggestion for the book, Boundaries. I have met many people who are hurting because of this book. I have read it and studied its teachings. Its basic principles are how to say “no” to anyone who says or does something one doesn’t like. It is billed as a Christian book, but its foundations are completely against the Word of God. Those who follow these teachings use them as a means of controlling their peers and even family members in the way that they act, speak, and live. It teaches to demand one’s on way and judges the behavior of others. If others act, speak, or live in a way that is not agreeable to those who follow these teachings, then they are told to step away, draw a boundary, and not allow others in their world unless they approve of everything they do and say. Their loved ones are not allowed to express their own opinions, and if they do, they are dismissed and deemed unsafe. It uses the terms “toxic” and “unsafe” to describe anyone who is not like its followers. It is not about forgiveness. It does not promote reconciliation or healing or even love and compromise. It mentions only to “leave and cleave”, which is what the Bible says. What it misses, is that families are given to each other to support each other and build community just as the church is. The husband and wife leave their family to build their own smaller unit which is still a part of the larger one that God has created. If you look in the Scriptures, there are many good examples of families that support each other all while having separate marital unions. One such example, Noah, his wife, and sons, and their wives were a community that continued to grow with the birth of their heirs. Abraham, Sarah, Issac, even, Hagar and Ishamel, Lot, and his family….all had roles within their family community. Families in the Bible, including much extended family, pulled resources together and supported one another their entire lives. They traveled together from one land to the next with their children growing together and being raised not only by the parents, but also the grandparents and extended family. It was not characteristic for them to “leave and cleave” and separate themselves as if to cut off their own arm. That verse is symbolic and refers to the connection that happens between a man and woman when they are married. They are to become one with its own identity, yet still a working part of the larger group. That union was not created for an abrupt cut for division, but for the joining of families. Just as we are the body of Christ, each of us have our own part and function. The same as it is with families. We are created to be with one another and help and support. We are not to discard our family and seek only strange relationships that fill the void of our own families, but embrace the people whom God gave us by blood and by marriage.
The whole essence of the Bible is to love. Creating boundaries (extreme ones that push away and seek to destroy relationship) is not about love. It is about selfishness, and judging. It is about controlling everyone in one world otherwise one pushes them out. God’s Word says in I Corinthians 13 - "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." God’s Word is clear that God is Love. Mark 3:25 - "And if a household is divided against itself, that household will not stand." If we do not support one another, we will fall apart. I Timothy 5:8 - "If anyone does not take care of his own relatives, especially his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." These are the teachings of Christ, not the writers of this book. The Bible goes on and on about honoring your father and mother and “you shall live long upon the earth.” There are different seasons of our lives. We are taken care of by our parents, then we take care of our children, then we take care of our parents in their older years. The cycle goes on …the circle of life. It does not come to an abrupt end with a marriage, but grows and loves. I really could go on with more teachings from the Bible, but I hope this will make things clearer for you. You must find a way to move past your desire to push away from your new family. It is not worth the pain and suffering that comes to many when this separation takes place.