Image Obsessed Teens

time to get her involved with something outside of school. She is thinking it, cause everyone around her thinks it. My 14 year old niece, was always taller and thicker than her friends. Just her build. She was never fat, she was just a larger frame. There is such a thing as big boned. She started down the path of eating disorders and not the good kinds. My sister ended up with her in therapy, and then they suggested getting her into things outside of school more. It took about 5 months or more, but she did seem to snap out of it a little. She started drama, and community programs. She made a couple new, and IMO better friends. She gained some weight and looks healthier. We did have to trade the eating issues, with Goth behavior now. I can deal with black and morbid, rather than skeletal and dying so can my sister for now. Though the Goth thing bothers her more that anyone else.

you can't make her think anything, and you absolutely cannot convince of her of how she looks by simply denying her own perception. rather than saying 'you're wrong' (yes, i know you don't say that literally but in essence you are), listen to her carefully and help her to elucidate and understand her own very real concerns. rather than saying 'you're not fat!' try 'it sounds as if you are feeling worried about how your breasts/legs/belly look compared to your friends. what do you think is a realistic expectation for you?' rather than telling her that girls she thinks are pretty aren't (and why would you try to improve HER self-image by tearing down other girls?), have a discussion on societal norms and what the media does to distort images and promote unhealthy bodies. explore genetics. look at media images of all sorts of beautiful female forms (including naturally thin ones, who are not stick insects but also beautiful) and help her see the wonderful array of shapes and sizes that all fall under 'beautiful.'
and understand that teenagers ARE subject to intense self-scrutiny, judgement and pack mentality that leads to this sort of thinking at this age. your role is to help guide her through it while gradually building a healthy self-image that grows over time and experience, not to impose your thinking upon her.
good luck! i know this is a tough thing for moms to watch their lovely girls suffer through.
khairete
S.

I agree with Suz T. Insulting the girls whose figures she envies isn't the way to go. Being in the first group of her peers to develop breasts and curves is hard. Her body is changing and she's wishing it weren't. That's totally normal. My very petite SD felt HUGE among her friends when she was 12 and 13, and she was still in girls size 14 or juniors size 0 so clearly she wasn't huge, but she definitely no longer looked like a boy or young girl. For a while, she wore baggy, masculine clothes (especially shirts) because she didn't want to call attention to her figure. She's now 14 and in 8th grade and is starting to make more flattering choices and be more comfortable with her body. She's still a size 0-2 and does mixed martial arts, so she's proud of what her body can do because she knows that she is fast, strong and in shape. Her body is now her friend and a source of strength and pride for her. So it does get better in time.

If I were you, I would acknowledge her insecurities and emphasize that you understand this is an awkward phase, that she feels huge compared to her friends, and reassure her that her friends will all develop as well on their own timeline and in a year or two, she won't care about this as much.

Oh boy. I sure wouldn't go back to '12' for a million bucks!

I remember thinking I was a huge hog back then, and now when I see pictures from that time--I was a waif!

My only suggestion is to expose her to athletic body type images, strong women and people with body images that can be admired for their strength....also a WIDE variety of body images.

Good luck!

I think all your posts today are related. Your daughter is navigating the tweens and wanting to be like others - have an allowance, look like them, talk like them. Is there anything she's into that could give her confidence - a skill or talent? Maybe do some family volunteering so she gets some perspective? It is hard when you perceive someone to be "better" - and it may be not that they are prettier but they are more popular. Middle school is really hard.

There are also sites that show the amount of airbrushing that goes into making a magazine image. I would show her that. It might be enlightening.

I'd also find ways to build her up when she's not talking about looks. "DD, that was really nice of you to help your sister today. She really looks up to you and I love seeing you work together." or "DD, thank you for doing the dishes without being asked. It was a huge help to me today." Or, since you say she exercises, "DD, are you up for a hike? The weather is gorgeous. How about it, just you and me?" Spend some time doing something positive together that has to do with health and not body image.

Man, I loved my curvy figure at 12. I loved that I looked more "womanly" then the other girls my age. I thought they looked like little girls or worse boys. That said, I also hated it to a point because the new me made for some awkward attention form both girls and boys.

Try to find out if it is a "fat" issue or a bad attention issue. It might help you to know how to tackle it. Sometimes your growing up stories can help. If you were curvy before your peers that can help her realize that it's genetic and nothing she can really do with out hurting herself.

Help her to realize that she isn't "fat" she's getting her adult figure. She's maturing before the other girls. Maybe going shopping for "adult" items might help, some more mature under things from Victoria's to go with her new body. Of course nothing too sexy, they have cute sets, matching bras and panties, very grown-up. I was in my 12 when my Mom bought me silky material high thigh cut panties and that was a BIG deal for me. If things don't quite fit her yet, maybe taking her there will give her a little perspective. She'll gets to shop there where real women shop instead of the kiddie sections.

Good Luck.

YIKES! I was a stick in junior high (in Newport, right next door to you) and had a curvy friend who was bulimic (sp?), and a couple of years later a boyfriend who did the same thing. Kids take control in the only way they can, sometimes.
Get your daughter some good friendly professional counseling before you find out LATER that this turned into some awful eating disorder. Totally sounds like it could go that way.

I remember a time when I thought my hips and thighs were huge...oh what I wouldn't give to have them back!
Perhaps she is more developed than some of the other girls and it makes her uncomfortable.
I'm not sure that it is recommended for developing girls but a reducing bra or sports bra might help her with feeling that she is too big up top.
Perhaps just reinforce what a beautiful woman she is becoming. Perhaps find some imagery to help make the point in magazines. I'm sure she will love her shapely figure as she matures but it is tough to stand out from the 'norm' of the twig figures.
Look up the dove beauty campaign - they may have some good resources for you...

Dear A., I have a beautiful 16 year old daughter. We've also gone through what you're going through! I agree that daughters tend to think that we "have to" say they're beautiful cos we're their moms! You need to get a respected 3rd party to tell them what they need to hear.

I actually took my DD to our family doctor who measured her height and weight, explained BMI (body mass index) to her and showed her on a graph that she is the perfect weight for her height. Our doctor also explained to her the dangers of being too skinny. After that, every time she made a comment about being "fat" I'd just ask her, what did Dr B say? And she'd have to admit that (medically) she was just right! :)

I've found that the only way to counteract peer misinformation is by providing our children with the FACTS in a very calm manner.

I hope this technique helps. It's worked for us! :) Good luck.

Two thoughts come to mind.

1) take her measurments -- the bust measurment is your base measurment, measure at the fullest part of the bust (a 34 c would measure 37 inches) her waist should be 10 inches smaller (give or take a few inches) her hips the same size as the bust or an inch or two smaller or larger. That is textbook perfect -- for an adult woman. She may vary because she is young. But this is a base to work with. By showing her that even though her body is not model perfect it is perfect for her body type.
2) when is is not home go through pictures of female family members --- make a photo array of as many pictures as you can -- get great grandmas even great-great grandmas on both sides of your's and her dad's families -- get as many pictures of aunts and cousins going back as far as you can --- when you get the array finished --- really look through them and show her that she has eyes like ---- and a bust like ---- and legs like ----- show her that she has a family history of curvey women and then come up with as many stories as you can about why you love each woman -- Aunt Mary had bigger legs because she loved to garden or play baseball with us or whatever and I remember the time when she showed me how to garden or slide into second I will never forget how loved I felt that day ...... You get the idea.
She can when she is older have tons of plastic surgery or she can learn to love her body just as it is -- for it is beautiful and lovely in it's own way.

My niece is 12 and in the same situation. At 12 some girls develop faster. I was the tallest in my class when I was 12 but by 14 or 15 everyone else caught up. You can explain to your daughter that in a couple of years everyone will be more developed and curvy. Meanwhile maybe take her to the doctor or a nutritionist who can explain that she is fine for her age (since she won't listen to you). At 49 I still cry when I go bra shopping and I make my mother go with me.... so I understand your daughter's frustration with that. She seems to be having a hard time adjusting to the fact that she's growing up. Just keep an eye on your daughter to make sure that she doesn't start starving herself over this and hopefully she will feel better about it soon. Good luck!