I'm Toast.

Another mom that is right there with you......it's amazing how draining it is to be "on" all day.

Can't write long, just wanted to say you are not alone, dont feel bad and i agree, we need to recharge to be better M.'s.

maybe join the ymca, where you can leave them in daycare for a bit and workout, or swim or even sit and read a book! thats what i am gonna do when little one is old enough for the kidwatch.....

You are not alone. My husband works a 60 + work week. More than not, I'm counting down the minutes to bed time. I too, feel bad, I want to enjoy my children more & not always feel that I'm " scheduling" them & wish we had more carefree days. Yes, I struggle with guilt, constantly.

Dear Toast,

You are not alone and you must make yourself a priority in order to function and perform at your best. I am a stay at home mother to three (4.5, 3 & 1 yo) with a husband who travels 50% of the time and works late the other 50% and only contributes to the chaos because he is like a child himself :).

I recently discovered the value of making self-care a priority. My sister came for a visit and knowing how much she loves to pamper herself, I took her to our athletic club as a guest for the entire 3 days she was with us. In doing so, I was forced to pamper myself to keep her company and be a good hostess. BOY was it a wake up call! After taking some time out for myself to unwind and relax and focus on my health, I came home a more happy, relaxed and laid back mommy. Bedtime was a much happier and relaxed time and there was less yelling and fighting and irritation.

But I recognize the challenge of finding the time to make time for yourself. But the reality is, YOU have to make time. One thing that I feel that men are good at is just walking away and tuning everything out. They're incredibly good at this (like not be able to hear the baby screaming in the middle of the night -- how convenient). I'm slowly learning to do this. It's a learning process and I'm finding that I am having to train my husband as much as myself to adjust to this new "boundary", but moms need to learn to let go, walk away and shut it out. And oftentimes dads are not used to this and try to suck us back in to do damage control. But we have to be ok with walking away and letting Dads take over for part of the day so that we can invest in ourselves.

Have you ever heard of a car that continued to run perfectly without any maintenance? The laws of physics apply to moms as well, our bodies are not immune to the reality that everything requires maintenance and upkeep.

Many of us know this but the real test is when we're finally being smart organizational leaders (mothers) and investing money where most Fortune 500s spend hundreds of thousands of dollars -- in their leaders. For the family unit, this mean you, Mom (and Dads where applicable). Why? Because they know that their companies and businesses will thrive and succeed if they are being led by healthy, smart, talented and innovative leaders. You certainly don't develop those skills and characteristics by working yourself around the clock into the ground. If you want your family to be successful, your kids to be healthy and emotionally fulfilled then start at the top with yourself.

My mom always said that love flows down like a stream, never up. If the source of love that feeds into your children is depleted, dry, contaminated by exhaustion, polluted by resentment and bitterness, guilt is not the appropriate response. Its a call to action to realize that you are a fount of love and hope, inspiration and life-modeling for your children. Consider this, would you want your daughter to treat herself and her children the way you do?

I hope my answer to you is encouraging and uplifting, inspiring and empowering. I share these thoughts because they are lessons that I have learned sometimes with significant cost to myself and loved ones around me. We owe it more to our children than to ourselves to invest in our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. I once read somewhere that our mistakes become our children's future. But the encouraging thing is, we can learn from our mistakes and make changes to correct them. I'm still learning everyday and trying to fix some of the broken parts and make small improvements daily.

I write this with much sympathy and hope that you find some reprieve to rediscover the best of you everyday to share with your little ones.

yes...and yes...and yes! I try sooo hard to plow through the bedtime routines because I can't WAIT for my quiet time! I don't know the ages of your children...but I've found that some nights, it really is nice to just sit on the couch with the older 2 (ages 6 and 8) and look at books together...we can all unwind a bit. I have them do PJ's, bath, and teeth immediately after dinner because the longer we wait...the longer it takes to do it! And I still feel like toast at the end of most days. Seriously, I read the title to your post and my immediate thought was, "You and me both!"

I feel for you!! I have 2 boys that I am with non-stop as my husband works long hours and some weekends. On top of that I also run a in home daycare, so there are always at least 4 kids in my home. My solution? I started working out every night. I leave at about 7, get home around 9. My whole family is enjoying the positive backlash of my happiness :) Once a month on Sat. I go get a pedi.

Remember is Mama aint happy, no ones happy!

Absolutely. My husband was deployed quite a bit when he was active duty. I had to get them to bed so I could decompress. THey were in bed at 7:30. I also had a mother's helper to help me when number 4 came along.

It helped them too. My kids needed their schedules, still do. They are flexible but food needs ot be at certain times and bedtimes I don't mess with. THe oldest at home is 16.

My god we live the same life! My husband works 7 days a week at least 12 hrs a day. He only sees the kids 4 1/2, 3 and 16 mos in the am for a bit.all my kids are so demanding and I do find myself rushing thru bedtime so I can have some peace! Everyone says enjoy these years cuz they go so fast, but sometimes its difficult when your in the midst of all the chaos. I have no help and that's the worst, no break and its breaking me! I do feel guilty when I rush them to bed but I usually go in for extra hugs and kisses after they are asleep. It helps knowing I am not alone in my madness, lol!

I think if each child has had 30 min of your time one on one and they are all in bed, fed and happy nightly then you are doing a good job. The 30 min does not have to be all at the same time it could be 10 here 5 there etc as long at it is no less than 30 that day. Is a child care program an option so you can have time with ONE of your children a few days a week and not all at home constatnly? I know one income gets rough so if it's not an option it's not but it is something to think about.

Other parents think I am crazy becuase my kids are 7 & 5, and are in bed by 7:30pm. Well, mommy needs her time too and that's when I get it!

Hi mama.

First, you have no reason to feel guilty for wanting to re-charge. How can anyone go full speed without a break? You are not alone AND you are doing a great job if your kids are thriving. But you need to thrive too - if not everyone suffers, not just you. Make sure your husband knows how you're feeling and maybe you two can brainstorm together on ways to unwind. I'm hoping he's willing to help and be ther for the kids when he's not working. Not only does it help you and your relationship with the kids but brings them closer to each other as well.

Depending on the age of the kids, you should feel 100% OK explaining to them, or at least the oldest, that you're only one person and you are doing your best etc. If it helps, maybe keep the oldest up a little later to read for an extra 10 mins? Or during the others' naps? Something extra and point it out so he/she knows you're making the effort and they are getting special time with you.

Curious why you feel guilty and wondering if the guilt is related to the stress/exhaustion. I wonder if you'd feel any quilt if you knew YOU and the kids were all getting what they needed. Do you have a neighbor/friend/relative to "swap" with for some alone time to go for a manicure, shopping or even just a walk. Some time alone. Or maybe your husband? Hopefully he's open to knowing and supporting your needs.

Good luck and forget the guilt and take the time and energy to get what you need for yourself.

PS, Yikes! Just realized I tried to prolonge the bedtime routine by keeping the oldest up for ten more minutes... edit that to - put the younger ones down ten mins earlier!! ;)

I am the same! I am an introverted person. This does not mean shy, but rather that I re-energize by being alone. Extroverts, on the other hand, re-energize by being with other people.

Being with other people constantly zaps my energy. It doesn't matter who they are or how much I adore them...it's just how I am wired. I've known this my whole life.

Like many moms, it is sometimes hard for me to make time for myself. I have learned that I MUST do it, however, or everyone suffers. If I don't make time to be alone and re-energize, I get burned out quickly. And a burned out mom is not smiley and lovey and full of hugs. I am learning to take care of myself so that I can be a great mom and wife.

Oh....I used to feel guilty, until I realized that thus is just the way I am and I need to work with it...not against it. I no longer feel guilty. Everyone will be fine if I focus on myself once in a while. Hubby can handle it. Kids can handle it. We have friends and paid babysitters that can help us out when needed. Taking care of youself too is actually a very good life lesson for your children.

I struggled with guilt for a while until I realized I needed to prioritize and release some of my unrealistic expectations. For example: Does my kitchen floor need swept (and mopped) every day? ABSOLUTELY! Does it get done every day? A resounding NO! Figure out what's most important to you.

I also want to say that routines and schedules are VERY important, especially in the chaos of life! We're in the middle of a move (finally in our new place, thank God!!!), and my kids (5 and 2) have suffered. The first 3 days were awful because their dad and I were the only ones moving. No nap for the 2yo, no structure, no set bedtime. Things are getting better now that we're in the new place and have been getting closer to our "normal" routine.

Bedtime, I have to say, is by far my WORST time of day. As awful as it sounds, I'm with them all day long, and I cannot WAIT to get them in bed and get some time to myself. What I do with that time varies. Sometimes, I clean up, sometimes I take a bath, sometimes I spend time with my husband. It just depends on my mood and what really needs done.

Hang in there. You're so not alone!!!! (although, after reading your post, I may reconsider wanting a third!!! LOL)

No one does it "all" well! I am always toast at the end of the day. I was toast when I was a SAHM and now I work full time and I'm still toast! I HATE bathtime. I try to enjoy it, but by the end of the day I'm just done. I do enjoy reading the bedtime stories. Yes, I think most of us feel guilty about something, but try not to beat yourself up!

I have a lot of unresolved guilt similar to yours right now.

My six (soon to be seven) year old was the "model" child...very well behaved, never really cried, is a super sweetheart, super helpful, etc...you get the picture. For the first five years of her life, she was an only child.

Now, my second child (now 21 months) has been a handful from day one; requires almost constant attention, was very sick the first year of life (but fine now), is kind've a bully (for her age...we try...I don't know...little lost on that one), etc etc. My six year old is the MOST HELPFUL person when it comes to her little sister, and is so loving and giving...

...but as you can imagine, I don't get to devote even 20% of the time I used to with her. I am almost constantly guilty over it. And yes, because my youngest is so trying, I end up a little short tempered and grumpy and don't feel I behave my best.

I'm sorry I don't have an answer...just an "I hear you." :)

Would LOVE to offer some advice but first need to know, where's dad? Is he around? What are his hours, or are you a single mother?

You are not alone. My husband works long hours. I'm thankful he has a job and a good work ethic. It has taken care of us for 16 years and put me through college, so I could become a teacher. Now I have a classroom full of children and one of my own. My son is now 6 and attends school where I work, but yes at the end of the day, I too am toast. I can't imagine what it would be like with three. I fulfill the demands of all of my students, then feel guilty when I don't feel like taking care of my son.

I also feel guilty that by the time my husband gets home, I'm so tired I can barely have a conversation with him. Often I'm either in bed or have fallen asleep sitting up waiting for him.

I don't always stick with the bedtime routine. I used to, but frankly I'm just too pooped to all of the time. I also try to be consistent with dinner. Even if daddy isn't home we try to sit at the table, but yes there are days when I order a pizza and my son and I eat it in front of the magic box (the tv).

All I can say is that I'm doing the best that I can to raise a well rounded responsible child. And I know from example he is learning that it is important to have a job and support his family.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN!! its like a vulcan mind meld.
we have a sort of schedule. It can be inter changeable for certain circumstances. I also have 3 young ones. 3 under 5. They are everything... but some days I JUST have to get away. That or look like the Joker on Batman.

Tonight its a movie alone... The Grey. Ahhhhh popcorn and a big theater seat is calling my name.

I have a similar problem, except that I work full-time as does my husband. The plan was for me to be a FT SAHM but shortly after the birth of our second son, my husband's business was cut by almost 3/4 due to the economy (he was in high end construction). So, hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I went. Didn't matter, we still lost the house and had to file for bankruptcy, but that's another story. Anyway, I have 3 and 5 year old sons. My day starts at 5am. We are out there door no later than 7am, drop at day care, I'm at work at 8, then I get home a bit before 6. Dinner, a little snuggle and reading time, then I need those kids in bed by 8 because I MUST have a little time for myself before I collapse at 9:30. I guess I'm saying that it would be nice to be able to spend more time with my kids. Working mom, SAHM, we're all exhausted. It is fine to take some time for yourself. And be grateful that your husband has a good job. My husband's inability to make money outside of the construction industry is taking its toll on our marriage.