E.B.
I could have been "Faith" at an early age. My mother had a million rules. They weren't very logical, and there was no explanation behind them. For example, wearing makeup was "wrong", even a small amount of lip gloss in high school. Why, I'd ask. She would then get a headache or be very very busy with the laundry and she'd freeze any further questions. We didn't shop in the local small grocery store because beer was sold there (so apparently the lettuce and the cans of vegetables were somehow contaminated, I guess?). She refused to even consider allowing me to accept a date to the prom, and she was so stressed about it, so grief-stricken at just the thought of such sin, that I acquiesced just to avoid the drama. Boys were bad, parties were bad, people who didn't go to the right church were bad, kissing was bad, homes where people talked about such things were bad. It was much different than the way I have talked with my daughter about things that truly are wrong (getting into a car with someone who has had too much to drink, for example). But my mom didn't talk things through, didn't help me understand, didn't have any reasons or a foundation for anything. So I was clueless, and naive, and unable to form my own beliefs or stand up for myself, since I only knew that it was "bad". Certain things were "bad" and she'd be ashamed of me, but you can't just call some things "bad" or say "we will have nothing to do with that, or them" and not have some kind of foundation, some reason for the belief. Otherwise, it's just all meaningless rules, like "the north wall of the room always has to be purple" or "we can never eat carrots on Tuesday". But saying that "we can't have peanuts in the house because little Joey is deathly allergic to them" is a rule that makes sense, and has a foundation. "I won't allow you to sleep over at that house because their dad keeps unlocked guns around and drinks excessively" is a logical, protective argument.
I could never go to my mother and ask her anything, literally anything, of a personal nature. Periods, boys, kissing, dating - all off the table. She didn't even help plan my wedding, when I was 27, (to a wonderful guy that I'm still married to, 30 years later), and told me that my dad would be going with me to choose flowers, etc, because it was all too personal and involved dressing rooms, and talking about wedding nights and honeymoons.
And it was my dad who made me normal and healthy. Thankfully my father was a wonderful dad, and I could ask him anything. I went to him for advice on boys, and needing a ride to the store for tampons, or a dress for 8th grade graduation, and I realize how very very blessed I was to have the dad that I did. He had sisters, and an honest loving mom, and he stepped up, being both mom and dad. I called my mother a "refrigerator mother" - always present, functioning at some level, but cold and impossible to interact with, like a fridge that just keeps stuff cold in the corner of the kitchen.
When I was in junior high and high school, I was absolutely awestruck by my girlfriends and their moms casually saying stuff like "ooh, he's cute" when referring to a boy on tv, or mentioning PMS. I couldn't imagine that ever happening, and actually, it never did. When my mom passed away a couple of years ago, we had never gone out for lunch together, never said a personal word.
I had a few close girlfriends whose families were similar to mine in values, but there was an ability to speak in the way you're describing about how you speak to your daughter - open and honest. And those mothers in those families gave me friendly advice. I don't think they realized how reserved and cold and removed my own mother was. If we were out shopping, my friend's mom would say "here, I'll buy some lip gloss for you girls", never dreaming that something like that had never happened with my own mother. But through learning to trust them, sometimes I'd ask for advice, pretending that I was just seeing if they agreed with my mom. My mother refused to even hear about anything she considered "bad". At one time, in college, I was dating a boy that I knew I shouldn't be dating. It wasn't a healthy relationship, and I asked my dad for advice about the best way to break it off without angering the guy. My mom overheard us, and my dad, being honest, told her that I was a little concerned about breaking up with this particular guy. My mother looked right at me and said "oh, I'm sure she would never go out with him" and left the room. I'd been dating him for a couple of months!!! My dad continued helping me, and I found the strength to end the relationship. My mother never said another word about it. I doubt Faith's mother would have a healthy, objective discussion with you about Faith's behavior. There's this rule, and it got broken, and now Faith must be punished. The end.
So, from "Faith's" point of view, I'd encourage you to speak kindly to her, and not lecture her, but to just help her find the words that she knows are right. "Faith, it's not right to be bullied into a kiss. A kiss is a special way of showing respect and love." "Faith, you know we don't go to church like you do, but we are a loving family and one where everyone tries to respect each other. Men, and boys, and women, and girls, can all be mean-spirited. All people can be. But they can also be kind and polite and respectful, and you can surround yourself with people like that - people who support you and love you and don't force you to do things that are wrong. And you are a lovely young girl who should be respected. And you know that, and if you want me to, I will help you find your own words to stand up for what's right."
And, for awhile, I'd make a point of taking your daughter and Faith out, for ice cream, or a movie, or coffee. Limit the opportunities for problems while Faith builds her strength. Faith needs a foundation, a system for helping herself. If Faith's mom is like my mom, she has never heard those kinds of words from a woman. Even with my dad's honesty and love, it's not quite the same as a mom, someone who used to be a girl herself.
I'm glad you're willing to help. Maybe if you can't talk to Faith, you can help your daughter find the best words, and help her understand that Faith hasn't had that support system. Would your daughter expect Faith to instinctively walk into, say, a kitchen in Hungary and be able to make a meal, not knowing Hungarian, never having tasted authentic Hungarian food? Of course not. She would need a lesson, a demonstration, language lessons. And it's similar to growing up with a mother who just says "that's bad" and doesn't give you lessons, demonstrations, a chance to ask, a chance to discuss, a chance to decide, a chance to learn. And help your daughter find the words to say. "Hey, stop that. That's not ok." It doesn't have to be fluent, beautiful, something Maya Angelou would write. It just has to be bold.
That's just my two cents, for what it's worth.
